I’ve been cruising a lot of the child abuse survivor and assistance sites and I noticed they are missing something subtle. They deal with coerced and forced children, the confusion, the effects . . . but . . . is it that there is something different when a child from a loveless unaffectionate and violent family is driven into the arms of a pedophile . . . because that child is starved for affection and love? A sexually ‘groomed’ child?
I don’t see many reports where the child asked for the pedophile to ‘rape’ him. Yes, I put those quote marks around rape intentionally. It is a problem for us. And yet we did that. Why?
Because it’s hard to imagine it as rape; not in the physical sense so much as in the emotional context. We, the child, desired this. We, the child, wanted something that felt like love. We did not enjoy many aspects of it – sodomy can hurt, and hurt bad – but we did love him dearly if for no other reason than he would be close to us then, with us, ‘loving’ us and accepting us as we are*/were.
But in many ways those how’s and what’s are unimportant. What was the effect? We did not hate him. We don’t ‘hate’ him now. We are sad, yes. But the effect was bad, for in our child’s mind, love and sex got inextricably intertwined. We knew sex was something to be hidden from the grownups – we didn’t even know grownups (e.g. our parents) even did this sort of thing. And yet . . . we instinctively knew it was wrong in some way, and it wasn’t until years and years later that we figured out what: it induced a deep seated shame based upon the fact that this one thing – our being molested – was something society didn’t want to hear about, know about, and when hinted at, mocked us for, deepening that shame over and over again until . . .
Well, I reckon until we went crazy, though we were well on our merry way down that path long before.
But that connection – that ‘view’ from a sexually groomed child’s mind that “This is okay, this is good, this is something I desire” – that is something I’ve noticed missing from all the analysis and reports, self-help sites describing victims and their thoughts and attitudes: the fact that perhaps, yes – the child did ask for it – mistaking the intimacy of sex for love; mistaking the closeness as acceptance, and not knowing it.
That’s all I can bear to write on this issue today. As you can imagine, it’s not a fun place for me/us/we to be; Elvis is tired; it hurts him to see hurt children; I am M3 right now. We are okay; the children we understand and love very much. Trust is being built; we could not do this without ‘their’ cooperation. Below was written by Elvis prior to me ‘taking over’ for the poor guy. Such a tenderhearted man.
*are/were: this article was written by ME! – Elvis, with the help of our ‘inner’ children, up here on stage with the dust and piano – plus a lot of help from M3. Thanks, guys!
. . . . and Elvis is getting up . . . dusting off pants . . . and leaving building with our happily smiling children!)