The Mind of the Sexually Groomed Child

I’ve been cruising a lot of the child abuse survivor and assistance sites and I noticed they are missing something subtle.  They deal with coerced and forced children, the confusion, the effects . . . but . . . is it that there is something different when a child from a loveless unaffectionate and violent family is driven into the arms of a pedophile . . . because that child is starved for affection and love?  A sexually ‘groomed’ child?

I don’t see many reports where the child asked for the pedophile to ‘rape’ him.  Yes, I put those quote marks around rape intentionally.  It is a problem for us.  And yet we did that.  Why?

Because it’s hard to imagine it as rape; not in the physical sense so much as in the emotional context.  We, the child, desired this.  We, the child, wanted something that felt like love.  We did not enjoy many aspects of it – sodomy can hurt, and hurt bad – but we did love him dearly if for no other reason than he would be close to us then, with us, ‘loving’ us and accepting us as we are*/were.

But in many ways those how’s and what’s are unimportant.  What was the effect?  We did not hate him.  We don’t ‘hate’ him now.  We are sad, yes.  But the effect was bad, for in our child’s mind, love and sex got inextricably intertwined.  We knew sex was something to be hidden from the grownups – we didn’t even know grownups (e.g. our parents) even did this sort of thing.  And yet . . . we instinctively knew it was wrong in some way, and it wasn’t until years and years later that we figured out what: it induced a deep seated shame based upon the fact that this one thing – our being molested – was something society didn’t want to hear about, know about, and when hinted at, mocked us for, deepening that shame over and over again until . . .

Well, I reckon until we went crazy, though we were well on our merry way down that path long before.

But that connection – that ‘view’ from a sexually groomed child’s mind that “This is okay, this is good, this is something I desire” – that is something I’ve noticed missing from all the analysis and reports, self-help sites describing victims and their thoughts and attitudes: the fact that perhaps, yes – the child did ask for it – mistaking the intimacy of sex for love; mistaking the closeness as acceptance, and not knowing it.

That’s all I can bear to write on this issue today.  As you can imagine, it’s not a fun place for me/us/we to be; Elvis is tired; it hurts him to see hurt children; I am M3 right now.  We are okay; the children we understand and love very much.  Trust is being built; we could not do this without ‘their’ cooperation.  Below was written by Elvis prior to me ‘taking over’ for the poor guy.  Such a tenderhearted man.

*are/were: this article was written by ME! – Elvis, with the help of our ‘inner’ children, up here on stage with the dust and piano – plus a lot of help from M3.  Thanks, guys!
. . . . and Elvis is getting up . . . dusting off pants . . . and leaving building with our happily smiling children!)


About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle ( ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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3 Responses to The Mind of the Sexually Groomed Child

  1. Just me says:

    I know that at least on one occasion I “asked for it”–mom sent me downstairs to wake him up for breakfast and I hopped into his bed fully aware of what he was going to do. I was so messed up. I was five and I wanted just some human touch, though it hurt. My mom’s touch was rough for her burdensome expensive daughter. His touch was rough, too, but at least he wanted something about me, even if it was only my body. I’m still messed up, but I’m getting better.


  2. Just me says:

    His name was Herman. Fortunately that’s not a common name.


  3. jeffssong says:

    Hey Just Me.
    sorry I took so long. It’s just … well, you know how it is sometimes, looking at your own issues – and then seeing “hey, poor guy/gal/girl – they’ve ‘got it’, too”. Wish I could help; remove that ‘thing’ from memory. Yeah, ‘asking for it’ – I don’t think we (you included hon) – we ‘wrong’ to ask. “They” were wrong to say “yes” to us on that thing (that’s what the shrinky-doos told me – and I guess it’s so.) If they’d loved us, they would have never placed that burden on us, huh? But I reckon they did so it’s ours to bear. Five. Yeah; that’s about when it began for me. Lucky thing tho’ – not too much incest for me and us to bear. Just a little thing (I keep telling myself while trying not to puke, o’tay?). (sigh). Just keeps getting harder sometimes; but I hang on, knowing it’s gonna get easier one day again. You do the same, dear. Wish you had a better ‘name’ than “just me”, but I know exactly how that feels hon. Really do. Thanks for writing in.


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