Okay, I hate using the word “patient” to refer to myself, but >I< am one of the primary ‘controllers’. I married our spouse, and in doing so, inadvertently put her in harm’s way. That was 25 years ago, and we didn’t know who or what we were, though we’d always had ‘parts’ (I prefer ‘souls’) in us then, and often thought in terms of “we” and “us”.
Currently I am protecting my spouse from … things. “We” hide the alters, try to keep things under control for her benefit – because I love her, and our littles love her. (That wasn’t always the case.) However, there is also some distrust -as always. (Will she hurt us? they wonder. Will you make us have sex with her? – as we have done in the past. Hurtful things – to all of us – and in the end, it hurt her.)
Lets backtrack. In the beginning, after popping the big question (Will you marry me?) – I wrote a ‘story of my life’ for her, telling her I’d been abused, that we’d need help raising her children (she came with 3 – a dream for us) – and we had no references to what a childhood was supposed to be like. And I gave her a way out, if she wanted to cancel the marriage before it began. She didn’t.
Then in the mid to late 80’s we hit another crisis – things fell apart, depression, MPD, abuse, alters, self-injuries, suicide attempts – the list goes on. We sought professional help which didn’t help. But slowly . . . ever so slowly . . . we got the system re-stabilized. Our spouse, resource-less, struggled to understand. Our biological daughter, then 5 to 8ish, was very wise for her years but also had trouble understanding why daddy ‘hurt himself’ and was so sad sometimes (but God, how we all love her, this real child of mine!).
But our spouse tried – oh, how she tried. Even though it broke her heart when we flew from one coast to another to see a sole survivor friend (a girl, woman) – because our wife has issues, too. (Made love at 12 with a 21 year old, baby by 15, doesn’t have problems with it, you understand, but . . . her last husband of 10 years turned bad and abusive and broke her trusts.) Everyone has issues, I take it. Understanding them goes a long way towards mending and healing a relationship, don’t you think?
Anyway – again at about 5 or 6 years ago ‘WE’ tried ‘full integration’ – and failed miserably. Again – the wife was hurt, devastated. WE lost friends. We made a fool of ourself. I made a fool of me, thinking: “This is IT! We’re doing it!” – when in fact we barked up the wrong road, wrong tree. It was a major setback for all of us.
So now (starting about 3 months ago, hidden even from me, M3) – we started trying it again. 2 weeks ago the responsible entity came forward: Mr. Jeffery. We are doing much better this time. However, we (meaning me, M3) – is the protector for my wife, as well as system (though there is the old controller, M2 – a hard, grim, sardonic, critical piece of work whom we love – and who distrusts all of this – he protects US alone. The shrinks never could get past him; one even said she hated dealing with him. Good news to us/him; he laughed in bitter satisfaction, still hates them.)
But . . . there’s something in the ‘air’ of my mind; a whispering. We’ve learned to listen to such whispers (as Jeffery has taught us) – for they are a part, a piece, a soul trying to say something, and it’s usually important. And in this whispering are hints that we need to come out, say something to her aside from “Yeah, hon, you know . . . these little voices in my head.” She knows of the littles, or at least one – yet we keep all voices shut off from her – both to protect her, and because we love her, and to keep us all under control. (Bad things can happen say, if one of the ‘littles’ emerges during making love.) Not to her, but us. Very bad.
But . . . >I< insist on ‘keeping her safe’. We saw the mental stresses, emotional … sadness? distress? pain? – I don’t know, haven’t the word – that it put on her – over and over again. We won’t go down that road again. As a matter of fact, the Majority ruled: “She must ASK; you can not TELL.” And even then there are self-imposed limits – we don’t want to overload her. However, we found Sam’s Blog, “Loving My DID Girl(s)”. And we know we wish she could and would approach this as Sam has – with an open armed embrace for all of our alters, even those like Matthew, one of our ultimate protectors. (Thanks for the ID there, Sam! We always have wondered why he is the way he is: so hard, mean sometimes, and sometimes even vicious towards all us and outsiders. He also used to hurt our littles in some ways, until I protected them.)
Any suggestions on how to breech this security wall we have in protecting her (the spouse) while still maintaining a sense of security for ourselves? We’ve made a few inroads – she knows about our past, that we have parts – but never any personal inquiry – for I feel she is afraid to know too much – while inwardly she is probably very sad yet curious as to how she can help. After all – she’s proven her love to us many times – if only by sticking with us through thick and thin. Better than what I’ve been able to do, BTW, LOL!!
Anyway, just something to think about. I will read comments. Always able to see things from other points of view and angles – thanks to my many souls and persons I carry inside.
Thank you very much! >wink!<
and yeah – Elvis signing off for the ‘kids’, myself, M3 and all
….. and walking out the building. Head hurts, LOL! (not enough room for all this thinking!)
Your buds in the flower garden; loonies in the bin,
M3 and friends.