LO sorta dry laughs, yeah decided that yeah, while ‘the others’ are in big who-do conference I’d hang out back in the back of my head and wonder a) who the freak am I (switching is a lot commoner now today whenever we are (hearing Jeff sing) – in ‘the freakin’ zone’)
And yeah, I know what it’s out about; meaning ‘coming out’ I reckon (Freudian slips are common at this age and state of mind I’m reckoning, feeling the ‘push’ as the others sorta ‘keep me under’ which is more like ‘keeping me in suspense’ and not a good ‘suspension’ either.
For some odd-ball reason ‘things’ have been coming ‘up’ on me; meaning ‘the child’ (we’re okay with him, sorta; one still having his ‘issues’) – regarding some connections we made.
Funny thing about ‘child abuse effects’ and things: just when you think you’ve got things solved and figured out: BAM! Something else hits you and you wonder: what else?
And I’m gonna have to look into that whole thing: asking.
We’ll see. Coming up: Next Blog: Why Me? – then “Why Ask Why?” about why even bother examining the effects of childhood abuse in yourself.
The Zone: wanna know what it feels like?
It’s like walking around in a fog kinda like: separated from your body; Ye Ol’ Body being on some kinda remote control kinda thingie, Oh yeah, we are ‘in control’ – can go make myself a cuppa coffee, do something: not too intense, not too much ‘brain wise’ – this is about it, extreme focus (and gobs of typos which I’m sorta OCD about; can’t stand ’em.).
But: automaton. (Can you say it with me there, folks: “Aww-toe-matt-ton”.) As in aw well, oh hell, here we go again; must be something cookin’ on the back burners; flames on high; I can only see them dancing; can’t make them out, LOL! Like looking into a boiler which is fixin’ to explode – with what, I don’t know. Hope it isn’t those dreary suicide attempts again: won’t go there; no folks: no worry there. But hey: it happens: part comes out (usually teenager) mad as hell about something; but this time it’s about the children; I can feel that, know that; knowing the issue.
But hey; such is a controller’s life sometimes: in a daze, sorta shambling around – TRYING to stay in focus and control (despite the ‘hum’ in the background) – and you FEEL this weird twisting anxiety – NOT fear or something (though there are touches of that one, too) – NOT bad and certainly not GOOD at all: just this … weirdness.
Maybe it comes from being ‘disconnected’ from the system; I dunno, I don’t mind it at all, but … LOL, just thought ‘it’s like a part of you is missing’ – and like UH-DUH man! It IS: a LOT of them are ‘missing’ lost in action that pow-wow or something.
Anyway, just gonna do some ‘posting’ while the pot is brewing (I can still access the Scientist and Prof, my ol’ pals, and Elvis is here standing by, waiting on his spell – we’ll see.) These kinds of things tend to resolve themselves fairly quickly (usually in a matter of days), though sometimes they go on for months. Gotta ‘good’ theraputic feeling about this one: we’ve been trying to get along together.
I know this all has to do with a cross-examination of Mikie: looking past the brick wall we’d found. We’ve posted a few questions here and there on the net looking for the answer (something we VERY rarely do, BTW! LOL, I am a MAN, I’m not going to bother asking for directions . . . am I?? You’re damn straight I am!
Okay, laughing my way out onto the deck where we can feel a conversation going on; probably gonna have to be there myself (uh – DUH, where else can a controller go but with this dumb body of mine, LOL!)
Have fun guys and guyettes out there in “Duh Cloud” . . . drifting away lo … laughing