So here we were wandering around in the yard (1st freudian typo was: “the years”; aptly put) and we ask ourselves:
Why even bother examining the effects of childhood abuse?
So why ask why? In order to understand and heal ourselves – and to understand ourselves better; our motivations and the whys and hows of things that were done; burnt bridges, to be sure, but their skeletal remains affected our paths, much as a downed bridge would affect your own.
You see, we’ve had this nagging question come up as a result of looking at our past and little Mikie. Yeah, we understand the shame and stuff: we’ve not ‘gotten over it’ but we’re well on our way there. However, it/we/him/ – system? – we became aware of an even deeper set of issues; ones which have affected our lives profoundly, and in so many different ways (one issue spawns two; then four, then like a hydra-headed monster: eats the person up.)
And that’s the deal; what we’ve been realizing; what happened to ourselves, what happened IN Mikie that fateful day: the breaking, the skewing, the ‘mis-analysis’ of results – both our ‘fault’?? – for not being able to ‘see this’ in ourselves, nor the effects on the followup teenager (2nd control system); nor that ‘breakage’ within that child of ours. And we’ve been ‘tracking’ and ‘tracing’ the effects of that fateful day on up into our advanced childhood; teenage years, and even on into adulthood. WE can ‘see’ them now … faint glimpses and glimmers – in our every day behavior. And that’s something that we need to ask ‘why’ about: in order to understand them; identify what is ‘false’, knowing what is ‘true’ – and understanding the reasons.
We are examining this system; seeing what those affects are, were, and are going to be while attempting to negate any negative impacts nor emotions; while at the same time attempting to ‘soothe’ things over with Mikie and even more importantly, that teenage alter that has been giving us so much trouble (NOT your fault, M2, and you should be realizing that yourself!)
Anyway, this question comes to us:
Why be asking “why” when it comes to abuse and stuff: what it did to you and all. Where ‘those’ motivations come from; where ‘those’ feelings originated.
After all, I hear it all the time: “I’m validating my emotions!”
Well, fine, dear, lets hear all about it. But I’ve got one question for you: Where did those emotions come from? And why did they come from THAT? And where did THAT come from? And so on and so on and keep on digging and digging until . . . you finish reaching the ‘source’ from which all those bad emotions and whatnot spring – including, sometimes, the wonderful ones, like love and things: where’d THAT come from and why am I feeling it and I don’t MIND but . . . do I really wanna have sex with that guy? – okay, so there – you can see how it all adds up in me.
So in us abuse survivors it’s a critical thing for us to be asking “Why am I feeling this one way and not the other? Why am I so mixed up inside? Who is feeling that sort of thing? Why are there all these questions?” – that sort of thing. We grew up in a skewed world; a world of a different ‘nature’ than you ‘normal’ sort of follks (okay, trying not to laugh here at that world (2nd freudian slip, should have been ‘word’). We have to KNOW in order to a) survive in your world, and b) be happy in this world, and c) understand ourselves so that we don’t make future mistakes and either punish ourselves again (or some more) – or let you do it for us.
Because we can identify with you normal people in some ways: we don’t want to be asking those questions of ourselves – but come to think about it: everyone should. There’s a lot of truth about things in survivor’s minds – a lot clearer I think sometimes than they are in ‘normal’ minds (softly chuckling, knowing there isn’t any such thing as ‘normal’ anymore.) Knowing why: deep down WHY – you are doing such and such a thing (9/10ths of the time related to making you happy – even if it’s about making someone else happy – and the other 1/10th of the time deciding what you want or need to do to achieve that goal.)
And it helps us draw boundaries. A lot of us survivors – our ‘boundaries’ are kinda weak, or screwed up: imagine a fence blown down, or with a lot of holes in it – or worse, one drawn up by the wrong contractor (the pedophile in my mind; there’s a lot of it) – angled and crooked insanely across some even weirder countryside – yeah, there, that’s only descibing the half of it (it’s a 3D thing, ya know, LOL!)
So why keep asking ‘why’ of my self and my child and the others inside of me?
To find out about myself, that’s why. “To know one’s self . . .” someone said (I can’t remember the rest of the quotation) – but it’s important.
At least to us. And if you don’t understand why:
Then maybe you should start asking yourself