Matthew: The Dissection

I don’t know why I didn’t see this sooner.  Here I’ve been concentrating on dissecting the little boy’s emotions (Mikie) – and slowly it dawns on us that we’ve been concentrating on the wrong thing here.  The problem hasn’t been with the children inside.  It’s been with Matthew: his relationship with them, his relationship with ME (M3) – and his relationship for this life we’ve chosen with him.

You see, Matthew’s been misdirecting us all along.  You gotta see: this guy is clever; clever as they come.  He’s the one that started writing “The Boy“; writing his story, and that of the little boy’s (and so creatively! Our hearts and souls and problems are all there to see: written clear!).  And he started that thing 34 some odd years ago; it wasn’t until recently that we’ve come to realize exactly what he’s written.  Hell – HE didn’t even know the outcome of the tale when he’d started it – really baffles me and us: how could he have known so much and at such a young friggin age (17)???  It’s like he ‘saw’ into the futures – far and far ahead – and ‘seeing’ something in that dream of his; knowing something dark and deep and secret: he started revealing something.

I know it caught his Sr. English teacher’s eye: he wrote a similar story with just his own soul caught in it (the death and disease of emotions) – got him a straight A on through that year.

But that’s just to make this point:  THIS guy is difficult.  He’s extremely complex and extremely hard to ‘handle’.  Even the shrinks got blocked by him: as effectively and as firmly as running into a steel wall: shrink wrapped around our heart and his kids.  Tighten that armor – and nothing’s getting in.  Tough kid, tough indeed.  Trained in survival: from 13 on to survive some sort of future on-coming ‘apocalypse’ (that comes from living too close to the Berlin border at such a young age: the military owes me PTSD training or something: I was a ‘dependant’ for 28 years, LOL!).

And this guy … jeez – can you say: ‘done everything’?  Survival camping; spent a week living on a huge lake, camping on the islands and eating the fish and things; rode out a storm that broke a canoe’s aluminum back.  Almost died eating too much Vivarin while working 24/7 going to college full time and working two jobs (1 full time) to support himself and those pesky college bills.  Worked as animal lab caretakers. Began working at the age of 12 or 13; worked ever since.  Allowance was earned: through hard, tough labor.  (Can you say ‘white gloves inspection with fingernails digging in the impossible to clean cracks and crevasses?)

Date: 1977.  Kid goes to the library; always going to the libraries around town, hunting for another book to read.  He reads anything ‘science fiction’ (preparing for potential outcomes and futures ahead, perhaps?  We’ve seen ’em all!).  And discovers then (mid-summer term, I’m thinking): No more science fiction.  None.  He’s read them all.  From the big town library down to the small; on every base he’s read: and now . . . none.  Except on the ‘new’ shelf.  He won’t read those.  Those require 1 week until turn-in.  He can’t ever know if he’ll be there a week later . . .

and so he decided: “I’m gonna wait until I turn into an old man; then I’ll start reading them again.  By THEN maybe something new will have been written . . . by the time I’m 65 – enough to last me until the end.”

We’ll see.  We’ve checked out a few: starting at “Aa- ” and left off on “Lu – “.  Just got other things to do, la-la!

Kid read psych books, lawn books, how to grow yer own books; lab tests and lab reports; scientific data and analysis on and on and on …

He’s read (and we have) every National Geographic from 1967 …. to today.

And remember approximately 80% of them.  All of them.  Including the Smithsonian magazines and Popular Science we get.

He’s an information machine: lean, hungry, always hunting ….

But he stopped somewhere

Frozen in time.

But not quite; not quite enough: he’s still very much alive in us – all the time.

You see, that’s the other thing: this guy’s a ‘former controller’.  As such he has all the ‘hidden keys’ to things; apparently he’s got a lot more ‘brain power’ than I have – and yet . . . we share in things – though sometimes dangerously.  (Yes, he loves outdoors adventures – and so do I – but that’s part of the reason our body has been … anyway).

But some of his ways are not nice.  Like I say: he doesn’t like my wife – not that he expressly hates her, but resents her . . . as I saw the other night.  Yeah, the wife enjoyed ‘me’ loving on her; but hey, I got tired, then . . . HE came out and ‘raped’ her (not that we’re thinking she noticed – but HE was much more forceful and insistent – MUCH more – than I (revenge F***, in his own words) – and I think the wife noticed – but rather enjoyed as well, seeing as ‘we’ were all in this together so to speak.  (Afterwards, when it was ‘safe’, our child came out and huddled against his ‘mom’.  She didn’t know that one, too.  We keep things hidden in our vows to protect the spouse).

But as you can see from the above: that’s a dangerous thing; a dangerous attitude, and NOT ‘his’ attitude; not normally about sex.  “We’re” all into (and have always been into) “we can’t  – and won’t – have sex with someone that we aren’t ‘in love’ with.” (gender makes no difference).  Of course (LO dry L’s) – that doesn’t necessarily mean they love us BACK, but oh well . . . sometimes we can’t be perfect, can I and we and the others.

That’s something we’ve been trying to get Matthew to realize.  He incriminates US thinking WE’RE incriminating him for: A) Getting into drugs and things, B) being rather cruel sometimes to living beings (typical ‘beaten child’ abuse behavior, we understand: that rage had to go somewhere, and it went into the wrong place), C) sealing “us” and “him” off from ‘life’ and ‘love’ (And YET: that was in his JOB description and built into his very own nature: seal off any and all excess emotion (rage and anger – and sometimes love still getting through).

Despair was what he felt the most; that an aloneness.  Not loneliness: aloneness.  There is a difference in that one.

Gee, whut a complicated character.  We’re gonna have to examine him better.

This is going to be like touching one live F’ing wire (okay, we’re acknowledging and he’s warning us: gonna have to tread gently.)

After all: this is the guy; the one whose hurt us before.

In some several very bad and life-scarring ways – and yet – WE find we sorta understand him, and love him.

No matter that he cut us one time (okay, about a couple hundred over a period of a year and a half.  We understand that one, too: the pain was soooo bad back then.)

We will work with him; hug him; hopefully make things better.

singing off (LOL, there I go again, another one of those durned freudian typos)

on behalf of us ‘n all.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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2 Responses to Matthew: The Dissection

  1. Sam Ruck says:

    Matthew is a good guy. I can see he did his best to keep everyone safe when things weren’t safe. Sometimes its hard to be kind and gentle in a thankless job.

    Sam

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      That’s a damn good point, Sam!! Never thought about it that way: he wasn’t thanked (tho’ we: M3, crowd, even the children) acknowledge: he did a damn good job at what he did: protecting us and the crowd; even the children he didn’t care so much for (tho’ oddly enough, he loved being around little kids – BUT – we had to watch him, too, due to his sexual confusion – it was that little boy that ‘convinced’ him ‘making love’ to children was wrong. Realizing that ‘that shame’ was a burden he could never place on another child (he’s feeling he placed that ‘shame’ on us; there’s some weird twisting in his logical processes). We were fortunate: while not a predator, he was open to the idea for some time; again, fortunately, he had no real friends (except one) – and ‘we’ never did anything (I do think I’d kill myself if we did.)
      Thank you for your input, Sam: you have been a breath of fresh air; opening our eyes to small things and details we’d not seen and/or ignored. LOL, wanna take my job as ‘counselor’ for this system? LOL – not, you got enough on your line: give the littles my littles biggest hugs, and karen mine for ‘hanging tough’ and ‘hanging in there’. From one controller to another, I know it’s been hard to do!

      Like

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