Yeah, I’m gonna cheat a little this weekend (Easter Weekend, why not?) – and post a post I posted waaay on back on ’09 on Tokoni (before that site folded – one of the reasons I chose it was it was a small site, and had the suspicion it might fold one day). Yeah, we’re weirdly self-destructive in that way . . . but knowing what I was knowing (that it would fold) – I ‘saved’ each of my postings. Below is one of them.
The reason I am cheating isn’t just a ‘timing issue’. Its to show folks: this goes on and on and on and on in one’s mind – it isn’t some kind of ‘flash in the pan’ thing; it’s “FOR REAL” (thinking of a real estate sign posted in my head, saying “This Space for Rent, LOL!)
So there: you child abuse folks: this stuff DOES in fact linger on for a lifetime – so stop doing it! And for those who have already ‘been there’ – this is for you, to show you and encourage you in your own healing – and to let you know: the job might never get done. Not completely. And I reckon – not for someone like me. (BTW, you’ll find more of my Tokoni Postings under “Little Shop of Horrors”. That’s where the really bad (meaning ‘potentially triggering’) stuff goes. To protect you kind of folks from accidentally hurting themselves. Anyway, here goes: Tonoki, 05/12/2009, 13:49:49:
I had a bit of an interesting experience today. Just to rehash; the shrinks once told me I have DID (but not MPD). See “State of Mind” for more on that. It’s about my madness. Okay, lets be real. It’s about being a tad bit insane, because I am. Yeah. Really. No lie. Medically diagnosed quackers. Around the corner. Cracked. A functioning malfunction. Nutso. Dropped my marbles along the way. My screws are loose. I lost a few cards in the deck. Call it what you will — it won’t offend me. Really. I learned to laugh at my madness back in my late thirties, early forties. I don’t mind if you laugh, too. (Quick, run everybody! There’s an insane guy on this site!)
I’ve been working really hard on getting a story out; four days running, and each time I get to a certain part – well, I managed to write it, first sitting. Okay, *I* didn’t write ALL of it, just the forward to it, allowed a ‘switch’ so that what the shrinks call an ‘alter’ to write the ‘bad’ part, then I ‘came back’ and wrote the end. Not that I wasn’t “there” for the writing of it all. It’s just . . . man! . . . this is so HARD to explain — I’ve tried now today about a half dozen times. So I’m not going to try explaining it anymore today. (throwing hands up in frustration)
Now, trying to read that story I’ve been working on — I find myself skipping over the ‘bad part’ . I can’t focus on it, or I otherwise ‘switch’. This isn’t to say I didn’t write it – the part is there, written – by another part of me. I just can’t focus on it. Keep . . . shifting inside when I get to the ‘bad’ part. I’ve written around it – but can’t write “in” the part that other part wrote. I just end up sorta zoning out, letting it slip past my eyes – even when I did force myself to read it, it was with a sort of numbness that won’t let me take it “in”. I feel basically nothing when I read it. And I know that ain’t right. Otherwise, I wouldn’t of written it. It’s a really nasty story. It’s a bad thing. But . . . I . . . just . . . can’t . . . go there.
So I decided, hey, lets go take a look at the psych sites; maybe that will help others understand this mental disorder. Maybe help me a bit, too.
I was doing okay, but as I kept reading . . . ol’ heart starts beating faster . . . fears with no focus . . . and this is really hard to explain, but I’ll try: imagine trying to stay in control while other ‘parts’ or factions of your personality try to come ‘forward’ – but fighting them because I recognize that I need to do this – but then again, not quite able to stay ‘in control’ and ‘up front’. Not a battle for control; not a battle for dominance – just . . . a weird, uneasy, screwed up (okay, F-d up) feeling with a lot of internal struggle and fighting going on. Sort of a panic attack – but not. Or maybe it was – I just bailed before it got too bad. I had to. For me and my own safety.
Before I bailed out of the psych sites, I did read this: that some of that comes from those parts struggling NOT to become incorporated. A struggle to survive. And typing THIS makes them – me – all of us – uneasy.
For more on DID, you can visit this website: http://allpsych.com/journal/did.html
That’s where I was, there and here: http://www.helium.com/items/1367116-how-to-understand-dissociative-identity-disorder?page=3 before I had to bail out.
And know that the primary treatment doesn’t work on me because my dad inadverdently made sure I would resist that type of treatment. I do the pre-cog stuff, the reworking of attitudes, instead.
Oh well, I’m fine with that. We’ve ‘fought’ before. No need to worry; not a chance ‘they’ll’ injure me – or help me in this goal. (Is this me? Okay, sort of …. and sort of not. There’s a lot of another here, talking to you.) Not going to take it out on someone else, either. But I am going to take a wee bit of a break right now, write something ELSE, maybe something more pleasant – and NOT about DID. Or better yet – go lay down, take a nap. This sort of thing is exhausting. Perhaps I reintegrate better when I nap.
Apparently the other parts don’t like me messing with it. Or them. Or whatever.
Like I said: weird. Has left ME feeling weird, anyway!
Just a little story about TODAY – and inside the minds of madness. Gotta have at least one insane person on this site, I reckon! Just so the other nut cases know they aren’t alone.
(Asking myself: Why post this at all? and I come up with the answer: so people know what it’s like to be ‘quackers’. Or insane. And the “fun” of it. LOL and ha ha ha. If you sense a bit of bitterness there, it’s because there is bitterness there. But also my great sense of humor: I laugh at myself and my condition a LOT. Even if it hurts sometimes.)
Question: Does this fit this site’s goals / purpose? You’ll have to tell me. Did you learn something? (I didn’t — or rather I did. Stop poking before it gets too bad.) Does it help / inspire you? (one of Tokoni’s stated goals). Was it, or is it of benefit to anyone? Would be nice to know.
LOL, time to move on – and thanks for ‘listening’.
[End Tokoni Posting]