Matthew on his “Others”

Okay, so I really don’t want to be here and I really don’t like mashing all of those buttons posting / sending this to all those tags and stuff but I reckon I gotta do this thing; kinda like ‘doing my homework’ they are saying.

Yeah, I’m Matthew and I don’t care … about much of anything.  Or at least I think I do.  I know sometimes I’m that kinda crazy kinda guy M3 and so, but I’m Matthew.

And I’m supposed to be talking about how I’m feeling about the ‘others’ in my mind.

First there’s Jeffery; he’s the one who said come on lets do it and things.  Jeffery’s cool; I mean, really like — and he’s cool.  Don’t know no other way of saying these things; I mean he’s like ‘dude and shit’ and okay with it all; kinda ‘loves us all’ and I don’t know why in the fuck he loves me I don’t care about anyone anymore.

Jeffery’s telling me ‘hey man that’s kinda bullshit you know better than that tell them what you are feeling.” I guess I can kinda ‘feel’ it hoping you folks can help them help me out here I’m guessing; it’s kinda unclear exactly what they’re meaning and *hit you know but I’m sensing some kinda concern

do  you know they threatened to ‘bury’ me for once and for all?  like can they do that kinda shit to me?  that kinda scares the f’ing sh*t outta me guys you know and I’m not kiddin’.

Jeezus these guys some of them are serious in their intentions; just listen to them mumbling about this and that and so-and-so meaning me and him and him and him – lots of discussion going on; some wanting to ‘throw me out’ (laughing like that’s gonna work never worked for me never worked for them anyway) – laughing even harder inside now kinda hard cuz’ I’m knowing what they’re knowing: Jeffery’s saying: come on guys, we’re gonna make this kinda thing work and we’re gonna HAVE to take this one along: singing “we’re all in it together” and I’m assuming that’s true.

Do you know I didn’t even know I had an MPD kinda mind until my early 20’s or so?  I never suspected the ‘children within’ but I damn sure knew about that Beastie kinda guy; the one within that always had that goddamn deadliest rage I kinda had to kinda put down sometimes by beating my hands against things; head too sometimes – no wonder the brain is wrecked.

Okay guys, I’m done rambling, I”m supposed to talk about you then.

Mr. M3: he’s kinda my ‘daddy’ right now; yeah, good ol’ f’ing father figure, but a ‘good one’ if you know what I mean; nice guy and all of that; kinda the guy you’re gonna be meeting if you ever see him; he’s the one that handles outside and social affairs (tho’ I said “f-it to some kinda lady on the phone wanting money and shi* for something we did some time ago; months ago and even years ago for real, but only some time ago in my mind; back when we were trying ‘re-integration’ before M3 put a hold on that kinda shi* because everything started going all wrong and things and really put us in kinda bad place.

But M3 keeps things going; I was outside looking at the things he did; the huge playhouse and building and stuff and ponds and gardens and crap he’s done some working and worked his (and my) ass off.  A real slave driver kinda man in some ways but quit doing that kinda shi* once he realized how useless and futile it was.  Seems there’s more to this happiness thing than just flowers and fun cutting lumber and things.

He’s kinda cool guy I’m reckoning M3 is; a lot calmer and cooler now that Jeffery’s come onboard; at least he’s letting me out sometimes like on here that’s a rare thing; I haven’t really been able to write anything in a long time except when we were working on that book of his (which is mine by the way.  I’m the one that had the dream and things and IN the dream I was taking care of my own kid never realizing LOL dreaming that he was my own inside.

Okay, took a break and came back and I know why I had to do that thing now.  I wanna (no, they’re telling me to) – a little bit of both – tell ya about ‘my kids’.

Actually, there’s just one or two of them; or five or seven, depending on what you’re counting, but only two of them matter to me.  The ‘others’ came around later and we aren’t going to go into them.  I’m kinda all right with that one … and that one, and that one, too.  But anyway, THIS one, this “Mikie” child of mine

He’s so friggin’ painful pain filled for me to hold – and yet I love him – and yet he’s kinda ‘made’ me love him for he’s so special and the way he is – so f’d up in so many kinda ways but we understand him and I do too now sometimes – and then I can hold him and it’s okay.

But there’s other times I just want to push him and his little ass away; it becomes too painful; ya know what I mean?  Like he’s some kinda lost kid; no matter what we do its gonna come back to him and yet he’s always THERE no matter what we are doing… (sighing)

Jeez, just look at that they’re feeling what I’m feeling and I guess that’s part of the problem there, yeah guys?  I’m feeling kinda sorry for them; I did the best I did with what I can do; ya’ll sorta know I can see ya nodding.

ahh well hell … it’s always kind of a sad thing dealing with my own children and I’m kinda sad and gonna quit right now.

thanks for attending any bored ol soul out there.

matthew

(and NO I won’t say your friend like they keep encouraging ME to do cuz’ I don’t KNOW you any of you at ALL and don’t CARE for you anyway people have done enough hurting on me to last us all a couple dozen odd ol lifetimes.)

sincerely
Matthew.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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