I’ve had a long time to think about this. Actually, “we’ve” had a long time to think about this, given my ‘alters’. Ever since I was 25 or so – when we first identified ‘shame’ as a living factor in all our lives. And it wasn’t ‘shame’ over having been beaten, or mentally tortured, or the scars in our lives. Despite the personality shattering effects, those things are . . . bearable. No, the shame comes from something else . . .
It was the shame that comes from having been molested as such a young child by someone I loved, and someone I’m pretty much certain loved me in his own way (not only sexually, but in his heart as well) – and who treated me good and like a brother sometimes.
It could have been a ‘good thing’ – except for society. It was society that brought shame crashing down – beginning with an experience when ‘he’ publicly ‘outed’ me in front of all my friends – and his – as a little boy who would perform oral sex ‘on anybody’. (Not that I would, not even then.)
Shame burned in, and since has never left – though I’ve reduced the fire down to a simmering sort of ash. Still hurts inside, sometimes.
And sometimes I feel like screaming: “THIS! THIS is what you’ve done to me, you damned society of ours!”
For in this I know: Things could have been different.
Thousands of years ago, things were different. I’ve looked at and studied ancient civilizations since I was just a kid. Things happen. Have been happening all the time. Ever since the beginning of mankind. And sex with kids is just one of them. It wasn’t until ‘recently’ (in anthropological terms) that sex with children became ‘taboo’. In some societies it was (and still is) politely accepted; in others ‘the norm’. Having a ‘young lover’ – and in some times, cultures, and places, very young – was acceptable, and sometimes even socially expected thing to do. Princes marrying princesses – old men marrying young girls. Happens all the time; still does, did in the past.
In a perfect society; a utopian society, this would be okay. There wouldn’t be the shame associated with having sex with minors. Minors would be able to say, “Yeah, I had sex with my lover last night” – and there would be no shame. We survivors could sit around and say, “Yeah, I remember my first love. I was ten and he was sixteen, and he gave me love when no one else would.” And there would be no shame in that. Yeah, in that utopian society such kinds of shame would be gone. In that type of Utopian society, there could be this kind of thing: where a man or woman loves a child, and ‘awakens’ that child’s sexuality ‘prematurely’ – just so they can share that sort of love and experience. With love and tenderness, with the child in mind. Not hurting them – not in any way! – but loving them only, and doing what they do solely out of love for that child. Showing them this thing we’ve learned to call love in every way and fashion – and never hurting them in any way.
NAMBLA is a social organization whose aim is to change society’s views towards sex with minors; addressing just this issue. They advocate “the love of children”. Pedophilia, after all, literally means “love of children” – and not the abusing of them. I cannot support those folks, though. Because they are missing the point.
And the point is: it’s a utopian ideal, and will never become a reality. And that’s because like any utopia, it involves people. And people always muck things up.
You would have the same thing you have now: child prostitution and rape. Someone forcing sex on a child. You would have people ‘using’ children solely for their own pleasure (and not the child’s) – and abusing just as they’ve been doing for the past four or five hundred thousand years (and further back, if you want study our early ancestors, or even the apes: chimps and bonobos and such.) You would have all the problems we’ve always had since day one. Children used as slaves; children bought and sold – the ‘profit’ margin outweighing any social mores – or those children’s love, and the love of those who love on children. Their little bit of ‘good’ would be rapidly outweighed by the horrors in people: the desire for ‘something else’ – and usually that something has nothing to do with love.
So while in that utopian society the shame would be gone, the problems would persist. And I suspect not only would they persist – they would become even harder to solve and address, for within legal activity would be lurking all the illegal ones – it would be even harder to identify those who were simply loving children – and those who were abusing them.
The other utopian scenerio: The society in which you live lets your sexuality bloom naturally, and on it’s own, leading and funneling you naturally towards a set of sexual mores which you have no problem naturally desiring.
Problem is: that society doesn’t exist. Again: the problem is people – for once again you run into those problems listed above: the slavery issues, the prostitution issues; the issues of people ‘using’ children to meet their own needs instead of the other way around (the people meeting those children’s needs and wants.)
And given what I’ve seen, our society is headed down that ‘second path’ – problems and all. Part of the problem is that this society we live in drips in shame – for those who have abused (read ‘molested’) children – and those who’ve been molested. There is ‘something wrong with them’, some would say. I recently read a new report where a child had been molested and everyone was writing in saying that that child’s life (a 7 year old) was “ruined”.
How would that make YOU feel, if you were that 7 year old, and everyone was saying “your life has been ruined”.
It would make you want to kill youself, get it all over. Why not. After all: there’s apparently nothing left to live for – that’s what they’re telling you. Your life is ruined, and you’re damaged goods, and so you might as well go on and take the easy way out by offing yourself.
What a nutty world we live in. And while I’m sickened sometimes to be able to see ‘both sides’ – I am also glad that I can. It allows me to see the fallacies in outfits like “Nambla” – as well as the difficulties imposed upon our own children by our own civilization. But the world’s beginning to wake up a bit – there’s something going on. I accredit it to Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs – only applied as a social solution. And in this up and coming society child abuse is going to be a sin. So is molesting them – even if it’s all done ‘in the name of love’. I’ve read* some of the ‘testimony’ on Nambla – and understand them. In some cases perhaps a child or two was ‘saved’ by someone with some love. But the fact is that overwhelmingly, the evidence is against them. The shame will continue; society will go on – and folks like “Nambla” will fall to the side (though there will always be some like them – not what I call an evil thing NOR a good thing – just a thing; an objective factoid.) Part of me understands what they are doing – but the Social Scientist in me sees in them – and the society they are attempting to change – the fallacies in their own arguments.
After all (looking around at this world of ours, and looking very closely at us both as a people and a species of human beings) – we are headed down that path into that second type of society: one which condemns the abuser while protecting the condemned victim – condemned by the very actions that people like NAMBLA represent as true love for children – a shame that society places (whether indirectly or not; intentionally or accidently – or not) – that shame continues, and is going to continue . . . for a long, long time. It’s going to always be an uneasy society; one which looks inward upon itself with a scrutinizing eye; more laws and things to come – always watching carefully for those violations of social mores. It doesn’t take a genius to see: look at the trends and the charting; what 2nd and 3rd world countries are saying and doing, and you will see: NAMBLA and societies like them are on the way out. A ‘new’ way of doing things is on the horizon (just like it always is – and always has been – and according to social dynamics and things like Maslow’s pyramid – will always be.)
Not that there won’t be problems – for as long as there are humans, someone is going to be using someone sometime for something. And in some cases those somebodies are going to be children. And in our society – this society of mine – that’s going to be prohibited. So “they” (nambla) needs to get with the program and realize: while their aims are lofty and true – they are never going to be.
Because children are going to be children, and people are going to be people – and there’s always going to be those who abuse them.
People at NAMBLA? If you truly love those kids – then you won’t ‘do’ them – and place that burden of shame that society bears upon such children. So please – if you truly love them the way you say you do – then just don’t do it. Please. For the benefit of our society – and theirs.
* Know thy enemy . . . an old Marine Corps adage – plus: I am a ‘fact’ based person, who must see all sides to come to a conclusion: a technical strength which, no doubt, upsets and infuriates some people. But an objective scientist (social or otherwise) – NVER lets his emotions interfere with the facts. So again: ’nuff said.
PPS: In that book I wrote, “The Boy” – this whole ‘thing’ comes up . . . along with many other ‘things’ . . . should be seeing a paperback on Amazon sometime in late May . . . guarantee you ain’t never read nuthin’ like it before; trust me, we knows: we put our heart and soul into it….