(a reply to someone we hold in high esteem who is having momma problems – thought maybe ya’ll could use this one. Take what you need; leave the rest behind . . . .)
We have to deal with mom … almost on a daily basis. Yup, right there in our face. To say parts of him (me/us/whatever) don’t like her is an undervalued understatement. THEY (my parents) used to live 800 miles away; nice and safe sort of. Now they live 4 mi. away. Had to make some adjustments, to say the least!
However, (and I guess this is one of the wonders and advantages of being DID): I don’t care. “We” hide and protect ‘him’ (him being the child we once were) – and respond with a method of apathy.
In short: we don’t ‘care’.
We allow her words to go over us; we nod our heads, grunt in agreement – hell, sometimes we even come out and try to adjust her attitudes: getting her to sing something different (her life is full of pain caused by paranoia; anger at all mankind – she can not be happy, she knows she is not; and yet she struggles to be/is?) And so, like any survivor, we point out where she’s gone ‘wrong’; how to think ‘better’ lead her on her own road to happiness – and yet while she listens, she does not understand; while attending classes in ‘Science of the Mind’ on understanding and acceptance, she still does not ‘get it’.
And seeing that; we find: we are not caring. It is in her own choice to do these things; not ours.
We submerge those memories of what she’s done to us while she is around; so those things cannot hurt us: we probe into our pasts; questioning her own mind (asking her about the past – in a general, vague sort of way: and we have found things.)
But your mother like all mothers is so different; she has lessons to learn; sounds like she’s not learning them. (sad for her, even much more sadder for you; knowing the effect it has: her troubling you; her making you ‘feel’ things you do not want to feel – and perhaps don’t want to confront. We understand that one, too – for in that is the reason we ‘hide the children’.)
What can I say: Apathy is a wonderful thing.
And in that I mean: if you care about something, then it has the value in it to upset you. You gotta change that. For me it was changing the value in the thing. Originally I hated my mom. Now I don’t – no longer. Pity, perhaps; but I recognize her as a being which must move on. And when she says something hurtful or mean to me: I don’t care. I know who (what?) I am. I don’t let her decisions and attitudes affect – or infect (better word) – me.
For now: either a) throw those letters away, or b) (my most favorite) – stack them aside somewhere – outta sight, outta mind – until you are ready to deal with them; knowing you are strong enough to deal with the unknowns within them.
And remember: please do not let another person affect your emotions; do not let them ‘define you’ or give you feelings you do not have. And for that we have this blunt tool: apathy. Telling yourself “I don’t care; I don’t give a D*** what she thinks about me or the rest of the world. She is but one person in this universe of mine – and I don’t care!”.
We find that often helps us when we are getting upset about something; then move on towards . . . other things.
And yeah: it’s GOOD to take a break some time – no matter where or what stage you are in your healing. The mind needs rest sometime – to do that invisible processing (or at least ours does: always working in the background: we can hear them in our sleep
Take care, be GOOD to yourself, and once again the phrase that has helped other survivors sometimes; drill it into your brain:
“Apathy can be a wonderful thing . . . except when it comes to me, and how I feel about my own self.”
(Hope this helps someone out there . . . if not; not quite a useless posting – but hey: I ain’t perfect; never been, never will be – and I’m okay with that one!)