The Trial of the Inner Child of Mine
This is the picture of The Trial of the Inner Child, circa Winter, 1996. We lost the Trial, and the Child. He was sentenced to the Ice World and has stayed there until this April, 2011. (Think about it: a long time for a child of mine to be sentenced to that kind of hell – lonely and cold as hell – but it was to protect him – and me and US from HIM and HIS sins (freakin’ child, a part of me is screaming in rage and anger; but we will win this time!)
Things to Note (Symbolic Things):
- There are Demons in the walls.
- The WALLS represent partions (partitions and separations) in my mind; NOTE that it looks like BRAINS.
- The CROWD is represented by the ‘people’ in my mind, or the ‘people’ walking around on the balcony above ‘them’
- “Them” are the child and our defender – MY defender, for it was me in that time – trying sooo hard to save this child of mine; get ‘them’ to forgive him and quit condemning him… and I LOST, and lost BADLY.
- NOTE that the CHILD is beaten and bruised; he’s even worse than that; I just couldn’t draw him ‘straight’ (meaning all the cuts and bloody ass gouges).
- NOTE the “Main One” in the center of the background; the one with his hand pointed in the air. THAT is our Main Prosecutor; HE is condemning the child to DEATH, and trying to convince the crowd.
- NOTE that for the most part, the CROWD is going ‘about their business”, meaning running normal ‘operations’ in my mind (this is part of ‘processing’ – the handling of the state of affairs – PLUS they were busy ‘doing this thing’, creating this art of mind.) So you see them ‘running’ there; consulting with one another – all while this part of the Trial is going on my friends. (even right now I am in a VERY DARK PLACE in my mind, fearing what may lay ahead. Will we be dead when we are done? I don’t know, I haven’t a clue; haven’t a clue what’s going on … just that another kind / type of “Trial” is going on.)
- Finally note the hidden “rooms” in the illuminated background behind the balcony walls. Those are the ‘places’ that remain hidden in the back of my mind; some of them no doubt hold memories; others injuries (and others?) within.
Just another glimpse into the DID mindset: worlds and worlds within – and ‘we’ live in there.
I’m (and at least some parts of me) – are really really scared of going ‘in’. My frightened child is shivering; I am scared as hell as well.
Wondering (almost tears in my eyes; this is really an F’d up thing, my friend) – ‘are we going to make it this time?’
Wishing me luck for not self-injury, my friend, do you. Will you do that thing for me? (talking to you now, my dear friend and good reader.)
For we are having a hard time – and it’s about to get much harder. And we will be safe; oh yeah; we have love in our hearts: but this thing is going to be hard; harder even than last time – that Winter of ’96.
(ps: just noted: we ‘tagged’ Social Stigma – and why? Because to me this is a “social thing”, meaning my ‘society’ that is on the inside. Sorry if that disturbs you.)
Also note: we have been using “trail” every time we have attempted “trial” – a Freudian thing, no doubt: meaning “the trail of tears” stretching back through time, and “the trail” that led me here on this mission of self-love and helping others (I’m hoping right now) – and “the TRAIL” of self-abuse, undisclosure, and about a dozen other things. (sighing) I’m getting tired of these multiple meanings in just about everything I say – but I wouldn’t be without them; for they are the product of a multiple mind, thinking (and seeing and saying) multiple things at once.