Condensing and Consolidation; an Information Thing.

I don’t know where this one came from: “Information Condensing and Consolidation”.  Nor do I know why I put that title in: “an Information Thing”.  Really haven’t got a friggin’ clue.  Nada, nothing there. (searching my head.  Matthew is tight lipped and watching … very very  closely.)

I don’t know how I know how to do this thing.

Two years ago my dad handed me a military training manual.  I have no idea what I did with it.  I’m thinking maybe I gave it back to him.  My mind is a total blank on it’s final disposition.

It was about 30 pages long.  It was a publicly available documentation, issued by the Army for training young Officers.  For some reason the initials OCS comes to mind.  Officer Candidate School.  The manual I think was from there.  I have never been an officer and never will have … been?

Okay, enough about that thing.

Here’s the news.  This is something that upset my wife and things.  It upset a lot of other people as well.  I circulated the results among some old good friends.  I lost those friends IMMEDIATELY.  I nearly lost my own wife playing this war with this deadly old ball game.  I do not know why I think that thing.  I know it scared the beejeezus outta them.  What they came and read – and of ME.  They are just civilians.  Why should they care?  Why am I thinking like that: “they are just civilians”?

I took that manual, and redacting it, reduced it to one paragraph and two lines.  The whole manual kept saying the same thing; embedded within.

I do not know why I feel I was trained to ‘do’ this thing.  I have no training in this sort of thing.  I’m just a normal guy.  So don’t go blaming that on me.

I was raised in the Army.  Maybe that has something to do with that.

All along, while reading this manual and redacting those unnecessary lines to get at the core of the truth I kept thinking:

I’m supposed to be reading military speeches and enemy leader’s speeches and those kinds of things to derive the truth of these things: find out what they are really saying; what is hidden behind those lines.  (re-reading I think: To see when and if they are intending on attacking.  Attacking WHO?  US?  Or someone else.  I don’t know.)

I don’t know where that came from; that sort of and style of thinking.

It makes no sense to me.  My dad …. I know he handed me another manual.  Maybe he took the old one away.  I was supposed to be redacting the thing: ‘consolidating’ and ‘shrinking’ into those few words.

I don’t know about these things.  As far as I know I was never trained to do those things.  I do remember my dad trying to hypnotize me.  And he did my brother.

Strange daze indeed.

PS: I am not ‘supposed’ to tell what I found.  I sit here trying to type those things to the general public …. and I can’t.

I can tell you this: it was about terrorism and the terrorism threat and the government’s greatest fear. (irregulars and all of that; using unconventional means).  It had something about preserving the American Way.

Just telling you that and typing this has gotten me VERY upset right now.  What someone told me not long ago is “adrenaline pumping”.   And yes it IS.  A frightening thing, but now (jeez, relief!) – recognizing it, I can ‘put the panic down’.  Some.  And Matthew, that (thing?) is watching.  Watching me very closely now.

why is that?

I am very upset today; we have been fighting; me and one inside (Matthew).  A lot of ‘them’ in a way; but just only that one.  He is in our own mind the very most dangerous of the lot, ignoring the Beast inside.

I’m confused and can’t figure it out and am thinking “it’s no big thing; you were just bored and did with this manual what you were trained to do.”

Why am I thinking this thing?  That I was trained?  I was NOT, according to my own knowledge.  As far as I know, this is the very first time I Condensed and Consolidated … anything.  But … weird.  whispers.  Okay, going back to ignoring them.  (Odd I think M. told me that thing. To go on ignoring it.)  Makes no sense to me.

I haven’t a f’ing clue.

And yeah; the suicidal impulses are there, but I don’t think I’m going to be suiciding on out.  LO dry L’ing, at least not today.  Not ever if I have anything to do with it.

that’s the way it goes sometimes when you are a DID being.

Strange days indeed.

(Now coming back to this moments later – a few minutes – I’m feeling even more paniced.  This is a PUBLIC thing and a PUBLIC forum.  Why should that be bothering me?  It was just a THING.  Why am I capitalizing that?  Why am I concerned?  I’ve told persons worst things; things about my past.  Why is THIS one upsetting me so … again?  Haven’t got a clue.)

PPS: I got lucky.  My dad came over at 1735.  I wrote this at 1656.  I asked him: “have you ever heard the term MKULTRA.”  He did not hear me at first. He has bad hearing (hearing aids). I repeated my question. He did not know it; seemed totally unfamiliar with it.  I can usually tell when he is lying.  He did not appear to be lying at this time.  He asked me where I’d heard the term.  I told him I had seen it online.  He was a CWO4.  He worked on military spy planes (communications).  I don’t know anything more.

That’s the end of it.  I am thinking I am just weird.  I don’t know which is fine by me; I never suffered cult abuse, which is perfectly and very fine by me.  I really feel for those who do

I also have only 2 memories from my toddler and pre-toddler times.  I think.  Not sure, not knowing, not knowing if it really matters, and really don’t care.

The end.

(and now thinking: reporting for duty, Sarge, LOL’ing in my head.)

Good deal.  Back to things, business as usual.  The business of healing that is.

But I’m still somewhat disturbed and something in me is highly disturbed.  Don’t know why.  This is BS to me.  I must have just been bored.  The manual must be around here someplace.  Have looked but do not find.  Don’t know why.  I generally don’t misplace those kinds of things.  Not military things, but any manual at all.  Never.

Why this one? (troubles with wife? unpleasant experience?  really haven’t got a clue.  Again.  sighing.  LOL’ing inside.  Oh well.)

end of line


About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle ( ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
This entry was posted in child abuse survivor, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Education, Matthew, MPD, Schizophrenia and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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