Matthew: The Duality of an Alter Being

Since (apparently) Matthew gives us the most trouble (he doesn’t like that; preferring the term ‘grief’) – he is the one most in need of anaylzing.  As any good shrink will tell you: the beginning of healing any ‘alter’ is to anaylze that being, see what makes him or her ‘tick’.  And as WE know, the beginning of being able to love any inner being which is giving us ‘grief’ (or problems) – is in understanding that thing, that alter, that being.

So here we go.

First: Matthew is highly complex, highly trained in literally hundreds of topics, able, willing and ready to ‘take this ol’ world of ours’ on.  Including us.  Meaning he is a fighter, and also our “Public Defender”.

Matthew also like to use double meanings in words.  Triple or quadruple (or at times, if he can pull it off, quintuple) meanings at times.  He likes that.  Thus my constant warnings to be on the look out for double, triple, and quadruple meanings in my writings and words.  (Even in spoken speech we do this.)

He is also highly artistic, extremely wounded, and his social skills are about zilch.  Unable to date, he avoided the problem (using shyness as a tool.).  Ego?  Not so much on one hand; great on the other.

Matthew is a highly ‘dual’ being.  We have often wondered if perhaps Matthew is two beings in one.  If so, then he must be a combination of the little child in us – and himself.  We use ‘twinning’ or ‘blending’ to describe this thing (what we like to call our “Tinkertoy System” – the ability of one alter to ‘blend’ (around the edges) with another, taking on the skills sets, attributes, and emotions of each being.  One will be ‘on top’ with two others directly ‘below’ him – ‘feeling’ them, their emotions and thoughts.  This, perhaps, gives reason for his duality in nature.

Matthew is a very strong being inside of us.  We are unable to control him (most of the time).  We think that is because for the longest time, he was the primary ‘being’ – the ‘host’, so to speak.  (We are trying to ‘ignore’ him at this time due to issues over the past few days; therefore, we will try to avoid his double meanings for clarity on the part of our audience members.)  Matthew ‘ran the show’ from ages (approximate) 10-13 until we were in our mid to late 20’s.  Somewhere in there M3 appeared; he is the adult individual; he is the one (with cooperation from our fellow members) who married that wife of ours.  Matthew is troubled and has troubles with our wife.

Matthew is also highly bisexual.  We don’t mind that thing; though there are some problems with it.  You can’t be married and be a bisexual, not unless you have a very free-wheeling, tolerant, and accepting partner in the plan.  Hence his sexual frustration (and ours) as we ‘tolerate’ this thing; our bisexualness.  Imagine having half your love life missing – all the time.

We made the decision to avoid homosexual sex due to the following reasons:
1) Social Studies indicate a high level of unhappiness among the homosexual population.  This, we feel, is driven by the Social Stigma thing, the apparent promiscuity of many in the homosexual population (drifting from one partner to the next one), and the general unhappiness we’ve seen.
2) Homosexuals are often demonized and horribly abused here in the South (much more, say, than that kid over in Wyoming who we read somewhere was lured, dragged outside, and killed by a couple of his ‘friends’).  Horrible thing, that.  I would like to kill his friends.  See how THEY like it.  After a good round of anal sex in their a**.
3) We have seen evidence of this, passing a car parked on the road (under a hot summer sun) for several days near a bar (The Dew-Drop Inn), out on 278.  A lot of folks wondered after 3 days why this car was still parked there.  A person, investigating, noticed a foul odor coming from the trunk.  A homosexual, lured into and out of the bar by a couple redneck ‘straight men’, was beaten until killed, and placed in the trunk.  This type of behavior is NOT uncommon here in the South, but is often ‘hushed up’.  This part of the country doesn’t want the rest of the country to know how barbaric they have become and are being (150-200 years ago, homosexual behavior – as well as sex with small children – was not an uncommon thing, and was just regarded as ‘weird’, ‘odd’, or a man’s personal tastes.).  See the Traveler’s marriages in South Carolina for more on this persistent tradition.

Matthew hates love (due to the pain it gave him) – but wants love.
Matthew despises love in others (see’s it as a weakness), and hates it. See the above.
Matthew is quite capable of seeing many things from lots of angles.
Matthew is well read, having read literally thousands of books, many more magazine articles (Technical data; scientific progress, and such ‘real life’ things – but not those horrid “People” type of magazines; we don’t care for them.  We aren’t the type that makes famous people famous.)
Matthew is a survivalist; loves playing war games (for real and in fiction, meaning we loved being out in the field as a Marine – and we were GOOD and deadly.)  He has sought solace in war video games (Doom, Heretic, Duke Nuke’em 3D”).  We gave up those games when we realized they give you nothing but a high score, which is easily defeated, means nothing, is non-productive in a very real sense of the word, and can be deleted off the screen by simply turning the power button off.  Dancing pixels not longer fascinate us; we did enough ‘pixel dancing’ when we were a graphic artist and 3D Designer.
Matthew can be an excellent driver if you don’t mind road rage.  He has had over 5 years training in drivers schools; plus we were a mechanic (8 years schooling. Yes, we know everything there is to know about anything rolling on rubber – which gave us tremendous knowledge on fixing things – everything from automobiles (and all their sub-components – and sub-sub components, ad infinitum, down to machining our own screws and making our own wire – to electric razors to washing machines; can even build a xylophone.)

Inside Things: (meaning US)
Matthew often hates us.  But he also wants to protect us.
Matthew wishes he was dead.  But he also wants to live – as a happy, fullfilled being.
Matthew despises the child’s pain – while also wanting to comfort him.  But the child’s pain drives him away; then he ‘seals off’ that inner child of mine.  We respond quite often by attempting to seal off Matthew.  However – he is a strong being.  See above for some of the reasons for that (former Controller).

We are thinking Matthew is an intergral part of us.  Matthew may be as closely related to the core as the child is.  Instead of looking to integrate Matthew into the system, perhaps we should be looking at integrating the system into Matthew (novel, new idea just thought of and published here for further thinking).  However, since he has ‘distanced’ himself from us (and us from him, relying on his role as “public Defender”), this will take a lot of work to do – if it can be done at all.  (I’m sure it can – it’s just gonna take time and skills we don’t – to the best of my knowledge – have.)

There is more, but this is just some of the insights into Matthew.

By the way: Matthew would like to get a canoe (we have one), but is willing (and wanting) to trade one (ours) for a kayak.  Anyone know anyone or where we can get one cheap?  Social Security only pays $750 a month after taxes.  And yes -we’ve managed to save up money despite that fact.  (can you say ‘cat food’, anyone, meaning we’re having cats for supper?  LOL’ing!  Just kidding.  We eat normal food as well.  Haven’t had to have cat for a long long time.  Nor lizard, turtle, and woods chicken, either.)

Until later.  Tag & bag and move onto another Crowd sort of issue.  (Including one that, unfortunately, affected – and still affects – Matthew very badly.)

Category Tag: Social Issues: because for us it affects our ‘society inside’.  ‘Children’ due to Matthew’s habit of abusing our child inside.  We wanted to select “war” due to the war inside.  Did not.  (BTW, was that Russian that that one site tied into our site from – the blog posting on “Cold War Child“, written by Matthew?  He is concerned somewhat.  See war issues on that one.)

Children Tag Selected: We see Matthew as somewhat of a child inside.  He is willing to accept that designation.  Most of the tags are self-explainatory; however, we picked “Psychiatry” specifically because the Psychiatrists we saw were very frustrated by him; giving up on him sometimes (he refused to move ‘out of the way’ to let them talk to the inner child.)  In the end the bad one (shrink) yelled at him; he refused, she threw up her hands and gave in the towel.  Attacking Matthew is the wrong thing to do; but you still must be forceful with him.  See that “duality of nature” thing again.


About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle ( ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
This entry was posted in Alters, child abuse, child abuse survivor, children, Counselors, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Education, Happiness, Matthew, mental health, Mental Health Professionals, MPD, Psychiatry, psycho-analysis, Psychology, Schizophrenia, social issues, therapy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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