Woke at 0430; not that we sleep. Not good nor well. That’s okay. Sleep hygiene is not longer a matter to me. LOL, and I now see this ‘talking about our sleep’ is an attempt by Matthew to distract me. (Fine, Matthew, we’re not going there. I’m gonna tell.) Matthew is now hurt/angry and ashamed. Anytime I feel shame, I know a boundary has been crossed; therefore, Matthew has crossed a boundary. Mikie feels better.
I woke to Matthew trying to make a plan to ‘end our pain’. Here’s how it goes/went.
“I know,” Matthew said (hurt and angry because a) we cannot afford therapy, and b) we ran out of therapists to take us because 1) We are a male survivor (another reason he “hates” women – while being compassionate towards ALL living beings – except ‘enemies’), and 2) the ones who could take us were either a) incompetent, or b) too rare (4) – of which 2 were incompetent, 1 was just bad (had her own personal agendas), and 1 was a friend of my father, weird, and male and we had a terrible suspicion he would just use us sexually or hurt us). The only way we can get therapy is through Medicare. That requires we do something stupid, eg. a) suicide attempts or b) running through the streets naked howling at the moon – which would earn us 30 days in the ‘brink’ (meaning brink of disastor: we are not good in what is percieved as a POW situation) – where they would give us ineffectual therapy and treat us using drugs (another unusual and dangerous situation for us.)
Did I ever mention Matthew is a highly complex character? He is. More on that later. News at 11:00.
So Matthew goes: “Given this, what should I do?” Briefly thinking (about 1/2 second), he comes up with a plan.
“I know,” he says. “I’m gonna start killing Mikie.” (That being the ‘start’ of our pain, as if it doesn’t go back further. We haven’t yet discovered the ‘toddler being’ – not much and not well.)
And so he thinks about how to do that without destroying us all. While wanting to kill us all – he doesn’t. (That is part of Matthew’s duality in nature.) 1 second passes, maybe two.
“I know,” he thinks (thinking hard). “How do we KNOW these memories he has (meaning Mikie) are REAL? After all, we’re the only ones who remember this. We have spoken to Brother (our real one) about these things: Butcher Knife; Dog thing (Brother was curled in the corner, no way he can remember), Brother being stuffed in a bag and beaten (Bro doesn’t remember that: Bro states: he has ‘blocked’ most of his childhood memories out), and the Playing With Matches incident.”
“I’ll piss on them,” he says, remembering what we know about therapy sessions; training in counseling, etc. ad infinitum. “Since mother denies by saying she doesn’t remember these things; Brother can’t remember them, Father wasn’t there – I’m gonna piss on them. Not just ‘treat’ them as if they never happened – piss on them. (This, I’m guessing, is his term for forced amnesia.)” After all, if we’re the only ones who remember these things – and we ‘force out’ or don’t ‘dream’ or acknowledge what he calls “second hand memories” (meaning anything recovered or that WE don’t remember as ‘real’ hard fact) – “Then I can make it as though they never happened – because they couldn’t have happened if I’m the only one (meaning US) who remembers them.” (Fallacy of reasoning or logic? Not quite. There’s a ‘little’ truth to the thing. Get rid of the ‘memory’ and knowledge; get rid of the pain – Mikie’s pain.)
And so Matthew starts ‘calling’ upon ‘our’ memories: seeing the pages we’ve written listing these things and mentally ‘pissing’ on them.
This is similar to what you do when the therapist tells you to write down your bad feelings, or a letter to your abuser, and then either bury or burn it to help you feel good (as though THAT physical action is going to get rid of the memory.) However, we acknowledge it works – kinda, for some people. You can ‘reprogram’ yourself to a certain extent – just like you CAN be programmed to ‘recall’ certain false memories. By turning those memories into ‘false’ memories (can that be done? I’m doubting it; rubbing my mental chin and staring at the ceiling. Maybe. Perhaps it won’t work. Perhaps it would. Swayed by the Crowd, I go along with Matthew’s plan. Like I have any choice in the matter, LOL’ing. Majority vote and things: we are listening to Matthew’s plan.)
Meanwhile in the background Mikie starts hurting and crying. He can ‘feel’ those memories ‘disappearing’ – only NOT disappearing – more like ‘invalidating the child within’.
“Nooooo ….,” he whimpers, “Please stop doing this.” (to Matthew and us all). We grimace, inwardly hurting; ignoring Mikie’s pleas (while our heart is breaking – how can you ignore a small child like this? Easy: Matthew can.) Matthew, grim, actually enjoys seeing the child in pain. It’s a sort of revenge on the one who created him – and sometimes fills his (and us) with pain.
Matthew grimly (and with a certain amount of joy), plunges ahead.
Memory of mom beating us? No one remembers; not even mom. Brother wasn’t there. Therefore (holding a ‘paper’ in front of our minds with Mikie’s words written on it) – he ‘pisses’ on it. Memory shudders; Mikie shudders; Mikie can ‘feel’ himself ‘dying’ or growing smaller in our mind (being pushed ‘backwards’ and ‘away’). This, we realize, is a way of ‘burying’ Mikie – as we had done before at Matthew’s request, many long years ago.
Memory of Butcher Knife and chasing? Paper comes up and Matthew ‘pisses’ on it. Mikie is crying and hurting and softly whimpering and pleading, “please, no more … ” feeling himself getting ‘killed’.
This is gonna work, Matthew starts thinking. He holds up the next memory (Brother in the bag). Same thing. Mikie is diminishing; cries growing slightly weaker in our mind; we are doing this: the Killing of our Little One.
“Success!” Matthew is thinking. He is also thinking that we should print these stories out and physically burn them: following what the psychologists said. (Not about the memories, but about our parents and stuff.) Because while things are growing ‘fuzzy’ (meaning invalidating our inner childs memories – and thus our inner child – and thereby ‘killing’ little Mikie – yeah, we can kill young innocents in our mind, it appears – with a grim sort of way: see that thing on Soldier, which falls under the heading “Beast” – not that Soldier is a Beast: he’s just a Soldier, and will do anything he’s ordered to do).
And then we run across the next one. (Trying to remember what it is: Matthew is ‘blocking’ a LOT on this, okay? He tries ‘distracting’. anything to get us away from here and this topic we are on. Good thing. We realize; ignore.)
He remembers the snakes under the building – but wait a minute. Others (real people) remember them as well. That won’t work, he’s thinking: there’s someone “outside” to back our memory up on this.
Ditto the … dammit. Can’t remember. We just had it.
But anyway, here’s the thing (and then we start softly laughing; we have tried this one before: burying little Mikie – and there’s a conundrum – we might be able to ‘pull’ this off on some – but not ALL of the memories of little Mikie.)
Brother remembers the Match Incident (only one; Brother has a faulty memory; he admits he is actively blocking. Brother cusses and grows mad and red in the face, cursing father whenever this one comes up (our real brother by the way.) So how are we going to be ‘blocking’ (eg. the ‘pissing on’) of this particular memory?
We can’t. Brother is there to remind us. (And no, Matthew, we’re NOT going to kill brother. That’s his sudden and secondary backup plan. Remove the reason for remembering; remove the threat to me; eg. and i.e. the pain.)
And rolling forward we realize (and Matthew does, too): this won’t work; isn’t going to work, can’t work.
For while we might be able to invalidate Mikie’s little memories (we call it that, we just realized, because Mikie’s memories are in the “little shop of horrors”) – we cannot invalidate the things that others (real people) remember as being real – the REAL ones. Those we can’t just ‘set aside’.
The pissing ‘done stops’; meaning we stopped this process Matthew was attempting as Matthew himself realizes the futility of his effort – not that he isn’t tempted (and us, too!) to go on – invalidating those memories which we know (through family conversations with our real family members) – are true, and yet which only we remember. (complex, ain’t it?).
And so …. frustrated by us and his plan; knowing it isn’t working, Matthew states his reasons: I want to BURY him (since this is what he did for about 15 or so years, off and on. Buried things are like zombies; they come out and eat your brains.)
Tada. Plan over. Frustration and pain kicks in. Mikie (even now) is screaming and writhing in pain (we’ll try to take care of him; it hurts. Imagine holding an freshly and newly abused child in your arms who is ‘bleeding’ (pain). Imagine it is your own child – 6-8 years old: cut with bloody cuts; knots on head; hurt hurt hurt. He was ‘almost’ invalidated until Matthew ran across those things ‘other people are knowing’.)
Now hears the deal (yes, we will let typos stand; this is a form of healing through Freudian slips and it helps us laugh a bit; albeit hurt and softly.)
Matthew made an agreement; we sort of made it with him:
“If you don’t tell the general public what I tried to do …. I’ll let you TELL this thing,” thinking government journals. Go to this post: we will date what ‘we’ found; and spill his great state secret. We have redacted the agreement. Yes, we are ‘betraying’ Matthew. After all: he’s hurt us more than anyone. To paraphrase an old saying: often your worst enemy lays within. So I guess you can call us ‘hurting him back’. And we don’t care (and gee, guys, MORE pain? Sorry; we are of a firm mind on this.)
I reckon we can’t. (funny how quick that sort of things happen; censoring, altering of alter’s agreements; things like that – and then negating them – going back and forth.)
Tends to get a little frustrating, to say a bit and LO sorta bitter L’s.
Well, on to the next one (after I get done setting up the links – we get EASILY distracted right now; it’s a form of ‘betrayal’ and ‘blocking’ and a few other things (the words fade out of my head as rapidly as they appear; blocking, dodging, setting aside; distracting and things.)
Stop. The end. End of line. Set up links now and move on.
Therapy/Self-improvement and other tags: the tags I choose often have meaning to US (if you think about it), e.g. “Happiness”: Matthew’s desire to be happy; “Family”, meaning our inner family, “therapy” – meaning a botched therapy attempt (not the first time therapy – including real therapy – had damaged us in some way; e.g. this time by hurting Little Mikie – he’s usually the one who gets punished or hurt in some way, though we love him very much – and Matthew does too, despite what you just read. More on that at 11:00) So you can use the tags to kind of ‘figure things out’ and see the interconnections within us. “Child Abuse” was chosen because we were abusing Mikie. Yeah; I’m an abuser: it’s okay as long as we’re only abusing the one inside. (while knowing in professional terms – and in terms of the GREAT pain I am feeling inside – little Mikie – that this sort of thing is never good …. yet feeling that desire again to just ‘bury him.’. Whatta ya think there, audience? (talking to YOU, Reader). Should we bury this little rascal, scoundrel, and bastard? I’m thinking we should … and should not … given the plan and our therapy options. (pondering). Or love him like the little child he is? First plan didn’t work so well the first time (thinking of those long … what, 10, 15, 18 years?) We just tagged “war” in the category section. Think about it: you’ll see.
I’ve also noticed our blogs tend to run about 1800 words. 1000 words more than optimal.. Sorry folks, if you can’t pay attention that long, I feel bad for you. You’ll never learn a thing about me – or anyone – or anything. Tough titty – on you. Go fry your fries at McDonalds; that’s all you’ll ever be good for – if you can’t read more than 800 words.