Coming OUT: DID – A Survivor’s Story Part One

We came out.  And we did this to help someone, and save someone.  From themselves, for their marriage; and their children (I hope!) – but the deed was done.

Two days ago . . .

We have been watching this woman; she is a tight friend in the ‘family’.  We have never told anyone – not really – about this thing.  Our wife knows some, but wants to know no more; ignoring in her mind my multiple reality; that kinda frightens her – insecurities fed from the unknown; threatening her basic perceived needs for survival, and that other thing in mind – that human need (and human greed) for something that we have termed “one’s happiness”.  (See the American Constitution; something about the right to pursue – though they should have added the phrase “but not at the expense of other people’s right to the thing.”)

And over the years we’ve watched her fall into depression; lose her job – become dependent upon a loving husband who in his love (and his own issues) hurts her; belittles her; berates her.

And we have stood by.  Waiting I presume.

We’ve offered this woman some advice before; offering the coping phrase: “Apathy is a wonderful thing” and watching her grow sad.  But we knew this thing would not work.  It is but a make-shift device; meant to be used in emergancies.  It’s not good for a livelihood; which means when one is not simply ‘surviving’ but thriving in happiness and beyond.  It’s simply to keep you safe; stilling those emotions and things which make you mad.

Like I said: make-shift stay-safe; not for long term – this thing called “Apathy is a wonderful thing.”  It’s just a starting point – in some cases for people with massive depression and anger.  It takes a lot of doing to do.  It’s hard to let go of some things at some times; we understand that one kinda well (and the reasons behind.)  Done that, been there.  Whut can I say: learning through experience.

And then we hear he’s going away – her husband that is.

“Now is the chance,” some hidden someone in my self must’ve said, and “THEY” began a-planning.  I didn’t know when he was going away, nor for how long – despite this being a ‘best friend’.  All I knew is that she had ‘went into hiding’.

Withdrawing into herself over several years – falling further and further ‘behind’ and away from her own self (the one she loves and treasures) – she was (due to many issues; some stretching way into the past – past her parents and her parents parents, and then the parents of them.  Like any chains or cycles of ‘abuse’ as defined by today’s society and mankind – and as defined by the horrendous harm it does to its victims – loss of ego, happiness, love, and other ‘survival’ traits of one’s soul (just to name a few) – it stretches back quite a number of years.

Thousands of years in time, quite actually.  I’m quite sure of it.  Our ancestors had hard needs; hard times – many of them suffered from PTSD and horrid control issues – they had to just in order to survive.  Don’t believe it?  Read some on ancient human history.  We have.  We’ve read a LOT of things on this … and many others.  We are in a scientist’s frame of mood mind, LOL’ing!

Lets start breaking these chains of abuse things; we are thinking; lets get to doing this thing.  Starting with my own selves inside (loving and embracing each other instead of fighting to survive – embracing our own madness, and our “DID symptomology”.  And it’s worked thus far.

But herein lays the difficulty; especially in DID things: we must ‘come out’ sometimes.  For some it’s hard.  Some play victims (falling into predator’s hands).  Others join abusive relationships – other things.

But to tell the truth: the vast majority of us are ‘fine’ – dealing with it on a day-to-day basis; ‘us’ kinda things surround you.  Not everywere: multiminds – especially ones that are a) aware of themselves, and b) fine with it – using this thing and any advantages to anything (including the things that ‘made’ them) – towards their own good use and things – well, yeah, that’s kinda rare.  Loving one another being key – this gets even rarer than mankind – especially if you are talking about them in general sometimes.  Sometimes they seem rather mean.

Take this social stigma kinda thing.  That’s why we’ve never ‘come out’ – not so someone in particular.  But this time we did this thing.  Coming out to her; our special friend – someone we saw in need.

Well, she’s been seeing a shrink for years; they’ve done some good work (not denying it) – but it has been ‘stale therapy’.  Nothing much has ‘been done’.  One hour sometimes – face it.  Shrinks are overworked (too many patients on schedule) – and the patients can’t afford anything more (insurance demands and regulations – and that’s IF you have insurance, friends.  Do without and you do without anything related to medical care, except for some emergency procedures (usually involving eminent death or serious injury).  The medical care system in America really kinda sucks sometimes – especially if one is poor or ‘just hit the list’ on disability (waiting for the ‘benefits’ to kick in).  Took mine 4 years.

So we get a hair up our buns and bang! – we go driving over there.  Initially I didn’t want to take my wife: it was a ‘big party’ in many senses; a number of people were there.

We secretly ‘felt her out’; doing some impromptu therapy there for someone; two, then three (they never realizing what is going on) leaving us with this: people felt good about themselves despite us ‘spying’ out some ‘things’; one came away believing more in the fact that ‘he is a man’ and capable and confident (where sometimes he doubts his own self); and the woman: giving her some tools; and the dog.  LOL, we are into dog psychology as well (ever study “Animal Behavior” and “Animal Psychology”?  We did … part of masters in things (not an official thing: force fed down our ears/brains/eyes/tests/experiments/ and mucking with by our dad.)).  LOL, they call me dog whispererererer…. LOL!

So we are ‘whispering’ to this woman across the room (not really; concealed in our jokes: she is an ‘open’ woman, meaning her mind is open – but we are knowing this one:

In her soul she is dying; her heart feels dead (to her); she hates her husband (she makes no secret of the fact) – but ONLY thinks so some times (rage and hatred and anger covers her own love – for they ARE in love; only buried down deep – hidden by these years of frustration and anger and pain and control differences and her ….

lacking boundaries as a young child; finding herself overrun in one abusive relationship (of some kind; some were ‘mildly’ – in that the man just basically ran over her boundaries – others severe (you know what that means) . . ..

squashing her tighter and tighter inside until (as I said and she agreed) that she felt herself ‘disappearing’ … emotions, everything just going down into a deep pit of sadness (she loves him deep down, remember) – wanting this thing called love – seeing it in some things he will do — but all torn up inside.

Ready to explode; we caught it in time: her see-sawing on the brink of leaving him (tearing their family apart – a mild one; no “young ‘uns”  just teens – not that that doesn’t destroy THEM as well (I know, I was a ‘victim’ of divorce … but then my parents remarried again . . . using us as tools all the way (I wasn’t; I gave unexpected responses, LOL!  Saw the end before they even saw the beginning; 365 days ahead of schedule.  And hated them for that thing; spending all our college money on lawyers and things.  Good ol’ dad.)

So we stepped in.

And in doing so we led her to this thing:

I am a multiple.

And she was fine with it.  Took a bit of explaining to do – using the “family analogy with family problems” worked as well; she being a she young kids she can understand – though we never ‘let loose’ with that thing – maintaining a professional and personal personality – we got her to tell us a LOT …. beginning from her early childhood: rejection issues, love and loss – ignored child; giving up .. seeking someone … being abused (sexually molested) … finding love in wrong spots .. finding some ..

Lots.  Including the things about her anger issues today.

All in all we’ve spent 12 hours in two days – this is “rush therapy” before her husband gets home.

What I want him to find should help him towards finding himself a trained (and changed) man.

Learning new things about himself that he didn’t know.  Not ‘bad’ things: just things.  And about her.

For I know he loves her dearly – he has told me so – he is in lose and confusion and running away and turning to drugs; this is a bad thing in my mind: this is a man losing it – losing it all if he isn’t very careful in things – wife, family, friends, life, livelihood … ending up … bad place.  Ya know??  We can see it comin’ – slow train wreck a’happenin’ – we’ve been seeing it for years.

And now to step in.  I have 11 weeks to make a change her her.

Like I and we told her: this can’t be done.  11 weeks: too short.  This kinda thing takes YEARS.

But get this: we managed to help her skip the Pool of Unhappiness and SHAME on ‘being molested’ – we pointed out the reasons for it ….

and it was good.  Not great then, but just good.  She’s wrapping her head (almost got it) – and getting there . . .

skipping the pools called “Anger” and “Eternal RAGE” (at those abusers) … avoiding entirely the ’embarrassment thing’ – (we are good at this thing?  we shall see.  It was a wide risk on our behalf, still IS – we know this too.)  And are moving her QUITE rapidly into “acceptance and forgiveness” (especially for her own self: she was coerced with all that THAT means.)

So is that doing some good?  2 Days; 10 hours in 2 days?  Are we doing good?

She is thinking so.  She says I seem to know how she feels; helping her ‘open up’ by giving her someone who obviously (when I showed her my arm scars) has been in some hard times; explained a bit of MY own story (the abuse and things; some details … I’m/we’re thinking her eyes got wet but no tears) – FEELING for HER all the time (and yet no pity; just compassion and UNDERSTANDING) – and explaining to her in terms she could understand . . . .

“You have known me for years.  Don’t I look the same?  Don’t you see the same ME?”

And she did.  She laughed and she did (almost clapping her hands.  child part? we’re wondering; delight was good.)

“And did you ever suspect this thing?” we asked her, already having informed her of our DID.

“No,” she said, still laughing (feeling SAFE, you see; she KNOWS me and I am the same; therefore ‘not different’ and ‘not known’ – thereby removing any perceived threat by her to her own personal survival aka one’s one happiness.)

We slyly smiled, and wouldn’t doubt there was a twinkle in our wrinkled eyes.

“We hide it well,” I recall saying.  And then we both busted out laughing

She handles it well.  Now for the pain and rage issues; the issues with fighting with her friend – we done good I think; got her thinking about boundaries and things; drawing some lines in the sand; realizing  …. a lot – too much in fact (that we know: crash course in therapy, going full blast: like I told her – we’re trying to strap rocket engines on something that should be a scenic train ride going about 10 miles an hour!)

But she saw the reasons for my schedule; goals have been laid; traps are being fixed (to do some improvement); boundaries and tools to use them – we gave it all.

And she left today (after 6 hours of ‘training and therapy’) – new tools in her hands; hope in her heart; along with a sense of purpose and resumed soul (we are hoping) … homework to do (start blogging somewhere – on HERE, wordpress.  In time we will allow her to ‘introduce’ us in her blog (Good thing -we got our own work to do; she has hers; we’ll all be fine – as long as we work together).

For in the end, it’s a family thing: one and all.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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