Take Two. Seemed appropriate enough a title for someone with DID. So why’d we do it?
The thing with DID (or me. or us. or them) is that you often find yourselves (or self) doing things with no apparent reason. Magic things; things to be done, we have found ourselves thinking (and wondering and guessing why and then wondering some more.) As always, when you are DID there never is just ‘one’ emotion’; ‘one’ state of being.
‘There are many and we are one’ kind of thinking, thinking of a Crowd inside (and wryly smiling at them – Elvis, ol’ “me” – and “them” – M3,1,2 – Matthew, Sarah, et all).
And especially Mikie (he’s such a special one) – M1 we call him lots of times. The very first ‘controller’ being; the very first one of three (lambda lambda lambda – 3 times over. Look it up. It’s a computer term). (Thinking of what I just wrote: “lambda lambda lambda – 3 times over” equals nine. Nine times ten equals 90. Not that I have ‘ninety’ people inside – I just have ‘one’ – or at least that’s what the psychologists tell me. But on the other hand (looking over the Crowd) – it seems like 90. Go figure that one out. I’m still scratching my head thinking it’s my ass kinda thing.)
So why ‘come out’ now?
Well, it’s turning out there are (were) many reasons.
One: it was to help someone. In doing this we help me help someone else helping us kinda thing…
It started like this: woman needs help. Family friend and all. So we do.
We go over there (planned timing was most critical) while her husband was gone on an extended stay and a trip (8 weeks long).
We didn’t ‘know’ he was going. Imagine our surprise when we found out he had left just the day before – and yet?! (wondering if it was sub-conscious knowing) – here we are. 25 hours after he’s left town, we’re over there with friends and family ‘feeling her out’ – knowing that she’s been in pain and things for the last many few years – destroying her family, happiness and things – she is careening on the edge of divorce with him (and he is feeling confused: he has his own issues to scream at and with as well).
So we …. trick(?) her into divulging.
We go over to her the very next day under the guise of borrowing something. (Cuppa tea? Cuppa Joe? Hey, what you feeling there?)
And then it happens.
We ‘expose’ ourselves to her.
Slowly (gently) carefully (not trusting her) going at this thing in an oblique slide . . . slipping into our own issues while gently addressing hers.
That’s one of the things I’ve learned in psyhcology: in order to make someone ‘vulnerable’ (i.e. ‘talking about one’s feelings’) – one must ‘expose’ one’s self instead.
This is taught in pschycology classes as doing something ‘bad’. You don’t want to confuse your own issues with that of the person you are dealing with; you don’t want to ‘bond’ that person TO you (for example, the old traditional twist on the issue “psychologist or counselor falling in love” – or the “client falling in love with them” – or even worse “they fell in love together” kinda thing.).
Psychologists (and trained counselors) are taught to ‘keep their distance’ to maintain a certain set of psychological rules, e.g. “maintaining a clinical” (and therefore objective) detachment; keeping their client (and themselves) from falling in love with their client (or themselves <- more to that than meets the eye; a casual reading just won’t do.) And other things to ‘help them’, meaning the client of course. After all: the goal is to get the client ‘outta there’ (wherever ‘there’) might be – and on out into the world and out of their own office – hopefully releasing a happier and more well adjusted person (like letting a butterfly go free – wings hardened and ready to take flight: a beautiful thing into singing their OWN song of life kinda thing.)
So we did this / are doing this for her. We are maintaining a ‘professional distance’ (we are very good in this sort of thing – thanking Matthew and Mikie on that one; untrusting souls that ‘they’ (not Mikie; he’s just been hurt some by love) – but Matthew is and can be (hater of love sometimes – plus WELL able to ‘control’ his – and our – own emotions sometimes. Former controller being that he is: he is well familiar with the ‘buttons’ regarding this human body.
And then we got to thinking: WHY are we doing this for her – besides the obvious (helping someone).
And so it goes.
The timing was perfect. We have 11 weeks (remaining) to get this thing done. Then it will be time to deal with her husband, and the rest of the entire family – doing it one member at a time (building in them trust for / in us; readying and preparing for ‘acceptance’ thing. Getting them ready to ASK us to do this sort of thing – beginning with them ‘mommas’.
Cuz’ if momma ain’t happy and she’s kinda sad and has been lashing out at everyone for years; if momma is sighing and feeling depressed (and this has been going on as well) – when momma is crying and screaming (and threatening to kill her husband) – the children and ALL around ‘feel’ this sort of thing.
And it’s somewhat damaging. So that’s why we stepped in.
But wait a minute . . . we’re doing it for greedy reasons as well. As I told her: “This isn’t just about YOU doing this; it’s about ME and us inside.” (The coming out sort of thing; she already knows about us by this time – 2 each 6 hour sessions.)
“I want to be happy TOO,” I say to her; “and YOU’RE gonna help ME do it.”
This fullfills her ‘survivor’s need” to be helping someone. This ensures she’s gonna be paying attention to me and the things I’m saying (including – mostly and for the most part – things about HER to get HER on her way towards healing – including that entire family of hers …. bringing them in one-by-one for some ‘one-time’ sessioning – and then we’ll see where we go from there – healing each one individually one time (maybe more) – then bringing them ALL together…
This is called a “family counseling’ type of thing. It’s something we’ve never done. And yeah – we’re gonna be oh-so-much careful in this sort of thing. No falling in love; no crossing of boundaries (professional or otherwise). We are all most adament in this thing.
If you’re gonna be doing something, do it right – all the way down the line! And for us that means establishing professional boundaries from the start – and carrying them straight on through.
I’ve seen professionals do this kind of thing – and I’ve seen them not. I’ve even had one who was trying to ‘make me sicker’ in order to fullfill her own needs and write her own kind of book (whether the ‘song of her life’ or some other, deeper darker thing … I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. I’m ‘outta’ there.)
So going in we did this: made ourselves vulnerable. Let her know: “I’ve been there, done that.” Showing her our scars and things. Telling her some stories of our childhood (she was shocked, but not so shocked as to be damaging to us; that was good; though she didn’t start crying as well, which was good – it might have carried us over the edge into the pool of emotion we all fear: the edge of grief sort of thing – the one where MATTHEW steps in – and she doesn’t need to meet him in ‘that’ mode right now – maybe later when we’ve had her trained.)
Not too many clinical psyhcologists out there willing to take on a DID individual, so we’re gonna ‘build’ one.
I discovered: we’re into this “building of people” – building this one that way; another one another. Even my own daughter was ‘built’ in such a way – with tenderness, love, and patience (though our patience was not so outstanding in those days).
This came up as well.
Turns out this woman (even older than I and we and they) – has developed a special bond with my daughter.
“She’s the only one I can talk to,” she said, “Though I’ve always felt I could talk to you some. She was (is, has been) someone special I can talk to.”
There’s a reason for that I said. She has been ‘built’ to do this sort of thing: taking care of others, loving them, understanding – listening – analyzing, taking care of them – and doing it some more.
My daughter has a beautiful streak in her that runs a mile wide. And it’s called ‘compassion and empathy’ for all living things; along with a healthy dose of ‘understanding and love’ – as well as a good ear to listen – and sympathy for those in need – US cutters and things; the mentally ‘insane’.
After all, her daddy was one of them. Stands to reason she’d feel this ‘need’ to help someone … kinda like her daddy does …. sub-consciously being driven by her own need (inspired as a very young child) to “help daddy some.” She’s not been doing it for me (we are too close right now; she must get some ‘distance’ first – moving away living life large; becoming ‘her own person’ – the one we’ve been training her to be – while allowing her complete and total own control over her own freedom and lives and things.
Weird, huh, how we go about this simple molding. Carving in the details – subject is unknown – but we’re going there: building this thing to ‘take care of us’ – while taking care of her own self as well.
It’s a wonderful thing.
But here’s the golden ticket:
We discovered in our A) Timing, and B) reasons, that what we are doing is ‘bringing my wife to me’ – the one we care mostly about (but not always) – for we are thinking (and planning and doing and wondering et all) –
This woman’s husband is going to come home. He’s going to see a ‘changed household’ (or at least the very beginning. Done right – he’ll simply be confused as hell.
Then he’ll come storming over here wondering ‘what in the hell have you done to my wife? She seems so much happier and being well adjusted! I can’t get her to FIGHT anymore (at least not with me.) Every time I go to FIGHT (and control her) – she just simply ‘slips away’ – telling me how much she loves me – and how I can be a better man (sort of thing; we are in training with her, telling her how to do this sort of thing; making things wonderful for her. For her husband? Here at the beginning? Not so much. He’s the one with a lot of the problems: domineering issues, the “he is the one” type of things; “nobody can do me no wrong” and “I’ve got to do everything right” and “you are doing it wrong; you don’t matter; you aren’t ‘involved’ you need trained your opinion don’t count” type of thing. (Sound familiar girls? I sense some of you nodding. We’re gonna help him out – it’s a ‘manno-a-manno’ type of thing.)
And then there’s her. Our wife and such.
She’s gonna see this ‘stuff’ going on. Thus far we’ve been keeping it under the table. Our wife has some very special issues of her own (making her feel less like a woman; body issues kinda things – as well as a whole host of other ones: insecurities and doubts and things).
And she’s going to see this woman – her dear, dear dearest friend (who she has done battle with sometimes – hurting them BOTH and the entire family all round in all directions) — coming to life right before her eyes.
Like I said: eight weeks is what we are planning; 12 weeks is when we have to get done; 12 years would be more like it – but we’re in a hurry.
There’s things to be done.
And so you can see: it wasn’t just about me (but it was) – nor my own healing (but it is) – and a way to make things ‘good’ (for everyone, including my own selves – getting some ‘healing and treatment done) – even if I have to ‘build’ someone(s) to help me take care of my own tasks.
It should be kinda interesting (clinical sides speaking). Even if it all does blow up in my face (which it won’t; these are human kinds of people). Explosions do happen; we’ve done it before. Though going into ‘repair mode’ is never as easy as preventing the explosion before hand (e.g. this wife thing killing her own husband.)
It’s easy to be insane.
I’m kinda liking the thing. (gently smiling). It’s enabling us to get things done.
Even if sometimes we don’t know what we’re doing (thinking: soft smile: yes we do but we do – just take a look around … at your past and present and future – you see: we’ve been doing it all along.)
Wonderful thing about DID: you never know if you’re shooting yourself in the foot –
Or taking that “One big step for man – one big step for all mankind” kinda thing.
Toodles and later ya’ll.
Jeffery and friends.