ABUSE PHOTOS: Or How I Got Abused for Being Abused

As promised, abuse photos.

This photo shows what we looked like a week after we got home … we’d recovered about ten pounds of the thirty pounds we’d lost after being starved in Puerto Rico by this “MKULTRA” trainer/handler dude (who, BTW, WAS a Lt.Col. in Army Intelligence (South America) and had/has connections with the CIA.  It’s no big secret – he married into the family 20 years ago and its long been known he has these connections as he frequently had to “take off” to South America when he was in the Army and would be gone for months on missions . . . and he claims he still is ‘engaged’ in completing secret missions.

A Week After Losing 30 Lbs

The following are pictures I took 3 days after I got home when I began to remove the medical dressings I had applied.  The silver looking stuff is a (very expensive!) silver iodide ‘sheet’ often used in a burn ward to stave off infections.  I am lucky I had some as our doctor gave us NO CARE OR TREATMENT for these injuries when I arrived at his office – instead he had me locked up for undergoing such a strange adventure and for having been abuse.  Go figure. IF YOU ARE A MAN AND HAVE BEEN ABUSED AND GO AND TELL SOMEONE ABOUT IT – ESPECIALLY A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL – EXPECT TO BE ABUSED FOR HAVING BEEN ABUSED!  I’m mad and sick as hell about it … really sick (at heart).

And Remember: This is after we had walked SO long in our cheap Walmart slip-on loafers that OUR FEET HAD LITERALLY STUCK TO THE BOTTOM OF OUR SHOES.  We had to RIP them off our feet . . . go walking some more …. slip them BACK on … and walk again.

You can NOT imagine how painful it was to be ripping these bandages off!!!  These photos come from some videos I made … before I realized that “HEY!  I’VE BEEN ABUSED!”  and should be making a report on this thing.  I went to the local city cops that evening.  They were cool, took my report, and lost the evidence I gave them (I think they just threw it away … you know – (them saying): “Nutcase.  Throw it away.  Anything he brought is of no value.  After all: he’s a nutcase.”  But they didn’t take me in because I was open, friendly, kind, courteous, cooperative, and did not at any time present a threat to anyone (including my own self) – a fact which is noted in their own records….

And these photos were taken about a week later (which include the first photo you saw on this post – taken by my wife.)  I HAD TO SUGGEST THE IDEA, MIND YOU – NO ONE THOUGHT TO SEE THIS AS ABUSE, YOU KNOW – probably because I am a man …. and men don’t GET abused, do they.  And if they DO – well, all righty then – they’d BETTER KEEP THEIR MOUTH SHUT – or else someone is going to put them in the NUTHOUSE – the way they did ME – for telling what was done …..

Anyway, enuff of the anger and raging (I and WE all get very upset at this thing – this WHOLE thing – which BTW includes how society has been treating me ever since I’ve gotten back here – like an F’ing VICTIM that is – BY ABUSING ME LIKE A VICTIM.

grrrrrrr…. very upset here.  But oh! Wait . . . I’m not supposed to get upset or ‘agitated’ because I’ve been abused … that must mean I’m “mentally ill” (to get so upset about it) . . . but then again, if I DON’T get upset then I’m “avoiding the issues”, “dissociating”, and certainly must be insane because I’m not letting it upset me so …. but then if I get UPSET they tell me “calm down, you appear agitated” – so I must be insane …. you see how this works??  Once they’ve “got you” – there’s no “HUMAN” way out … you are not ALLOWED to be human or even express human emotions (about the events which upset you so) – but if you DO NOT express human emotions . . . then there’s something wrong with you as well …. go figure.  There’s no winning in this losing proposition of a game.  F’ing Society.  F’ing morons.  I won’t say what I think “they” deserve …. or else they’re gonna lock me up again ….

Anyway … on with the show….

From a week after I’d come back, healed, and recovered – and right before I went to my doctor, who had me thrown (involuntarily) into the loony bin ….

Even my Pinky Toes were blistered and bled.

Even had blisters between my toes from my toes rubbing together for so long … and that ‘big’ blistery looking place had been one blister stacked and top by another . . . and another.  Blisters on blisters and then some ….

This was cut into my heel by the heel of my Walmart loafers …. it hurt like a SOB!!!! (and imagine walking with it …. that heel constantly digging in …. while you have miles and miles to go …. nothing to eat for days …. no water …. ninety degree heat and down in the tropics …. fun, huh? (said sarcastically!) … and this was a week later! – and NO, the doctors didn’t do a THING for ANY OF MY INJURIES in ANY of the hospitals (mental, physical, and otherwise) that we went into … they were too busy incarcerating me for telling a story as one wrote “is hard to believe is true” … and because THEY would not believe me, they decided I was crazy instead … never MIND what happened or the evidence we presented!  And those physical injuries??  Imagine wearing chains and ankle shackles on THIS (the injury above) – rubbing and scraping at it … after they took me in (marching down long hall ways …. chains and shackles dragging …. yeah – that’s how they treated me for this kind of thing – with even more abuse!!!)

And this damage – (varicose capillaries on my ankles) is, I think, unfortunately permanent (and VERY ugly) and will never go away … comes from walking so far, so long, and so hard for so many miles while starved, underweight, and dehydrated for so long …. just another thing the doctors and cops ignored …. along with all the physical evidence I presented ….

Instead of wanting to “hear” my story …. they just decided I was insane … and then in the hospital (mental) … the doctor told me:

“I’ve read about this kind of shit – MKULTRA and all – and to quite frank – it scares the shit outta me!!!!  But I’m gonna be ‘holding’ you (keeping you here against your will and wishes – including those of your family) – because you are so darned interesting!!!”

Go figure.  I knew I was kind of an ‘interesting’ man (LOL’ing going on inside; we are several, we are explaining) ….

But I certainly never expected to be locked up for this kind of thing.
et all

(AND PS: WANNA DO ME A FAVOR?  SPREAD THIS THING AROUND.  I want to get the word out: IF YOU’RE AN ABUSED MALE – THIS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU.  You can be locked up and detained – simply for having been abused.

I should know.  After all.  It happens all the time.

(Update: 8/26/2011 – 1610 hrs)

I’m sure there are some who are going to say: “Well, you abused your own self . . . by walking all that time until your feet got so blistered they bled.”  But here’s deal:

The guy we were staying with (a family member born and bred in PR who we respectfully admire – and still love – while keeping him at a distance) – told us (over and over again – and sometimes in violent and threatening ways when we became insistive):

“If you leave this yard – you will DIE!  They are going to KILL you . . . them and my friends,” (and here nodding with his head and gesturing with his hands, indicating the neighborhood around us – which included more than just a lot of his family right there!).  Then, glaring at me and shaking his hand (and his fist and his head and whatnot, he’d go on, stamping towards me in his humorously threatening Puerto Rican kind of way – and YES, we were amused by him, knowing that we could take him down in a heartbeat …. our commando training and whatall ….) “You won’t make it past the river,” he’d said, gesturing with his fist.  “You stay in the yard.  YOU don’t go ANYWHERE.”

And from there he forbade me to sing, dance, pray anymore, cry to myself, cry to someone else, do anything resembling artwork; there was no TV; no internet communications to speak of (except on his own laptop computer, which he was very … stringent – about me using) …. forbidden to talk to myself, ask any questions; explain anything – even MENTION the letters “MK” used in conjunction with one another (much less mention the hereto hereafter dismayed sort of program which was once called “MKULTRA”); suspicious that the walls had ears (and even his own cell phone when it was turned off) …. we espied wires (communications and power) leading from one house to another (meaning his his to the folks across the street) …. while there were no other wires leading in (they do construction “cement roof” style ‘over there’) in PR, which means typically all the wires are fed down the same route (through a metal pipe; maybe two in these days of internet communication since you’d want to avoid phone interference) ….

Anyway … lots of strange ‘stuff’ was goin’ on…

So I ran for our lives.

Hence the running (walking mostly, though and actually) … getting away from him (even his family and friends have agreed with the statement: “He has a toxic personality” – including his wife and his own daughter….)

Leaving to escape with our own lives …. that’s what we did.  And if you want to call it “abusing one’s own self” for doing it – well then, let it be so.  We don’t care what you think.

But we know this ….

If it had been YOU . . . and YOU had been there . . .

you would have gotten away somehow ….
or you simply would have died.

’nuff said … and ‘go figure’ while chewing on that one….

Until later (and NO, I ain’t mad …. just explaining …. since some folks don’t seem to understand.  Love ya very much anyway; and there ain’t no forgivin’ to be done: you were forgiven and you were blessed when you were born ….
and ’nuff said on that one, too.

G’day, and see ya’ll sometime soon!

Matt and Jeff and et all, His Crew.


About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
This entry was posted in Anger, child abuse survivor, CIA, DID, DID Advantages, dissociative identity disorder, Education, Happiness, Life, mental health, Mental Health Professionals, MKULTRA, MPD, Project ULTRA, Psychiatry, Psychology, Schizophrenia, social issues, social stigma, survivor and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to ABUSE PHOTOS: Or How I Got Abused for Being Abused

  1. Sam Ruck says:

    So sorry Jeff and all,
    I hope you are doing better now. I wish there was some way to right this wrong…



  2. Michael says:


    Just being practical here, I know you did not abuse yourself. Fact it if you had you still should have received medical treatment any where along the line.

    Something to consider in playing the game. Your Dr. who from here seems like a asshole at best my inadvertently be a help. If he gives you a letter about your injuries and that he assumed you would be helped by the hospital than that might be a legal hook.

    You can do what you want. I would stay away from this Dr. at this point other than with a credible witness. Credible in that they are not directly related and make a statement afterwards. You are at risk of having him say you threatening him as a way to discredit. Does not matter that you did not nor ever have.

    Although I would go with that you treated yourself I would downplay that you knew what your were doing unless you could be specific with the training. Commando is not descriptive.

    As far as the lost weight unless they treated you differently than the rest of the hospital population it is a non starter.



  3. jeffssong says:

    Hi Sam! Thanks … but trust us: we ‘righted the wrong’ in terms of this man in many ways – cursing him, telling him “we” would put him in a “living hell” right here in his own life – and I guess in many ways we did, for his momma died a few hours later …. looks like she didn’t have a will and his family down there is fighting rather nastily over the house he’s always called “home” (but which isn’t his) – and so he’s fighting a losing battle to save his home ‘over there’ – while his wife has gone down there to inform him that she is divorcing him and so he is gonna lose his home HERE (North America) – while his daughter hates him and refuses to talk to him – and is ‘whoring around’ with her boyfriend (something else he can’t stand) – so yeah. We’ve made his life a living hell in one way or another (call it coincidence, call it Fate, or call it God Was Listening and said “Hell Yeah! I’m With You On This One, Dude!” – and helped me and us out in F’ing this dude.

    Michael – Thanks! Good info. We are going to ‘use’ our GP Dr. to get one more prescription refill (so we have a 90 day supply vs. 30 day) – before springing the ‘trap’ (letting him know anything). We think he is expecting us to just go on our way and take this laying down – and we’re being really quiet and cool with him – treating him friendly and all (because yes, indeed, we do love our doctor – even if he is a bit messed up) – and strictly speaking, this is about business and not ‘pleasure’ (personal revenge). He or someone in his office committed some offenses and simply must be punished. If it takes a few hundred thousands of dollars from him, his wife, and his practice; if it causes the insurance company which covers his medical group to have to cough up a few thousands more — well, we have plenty on our list (about eight potential defendants thus far) – for you know the deal: it runs like a lottery, and the more people and organizations you sue, the better your chances of actually getting something – and we have evidence of neglect, mistreatment, misdiagnosis, a little cop mistreatment by the county . . .

    The doctor noted on the records from our original visit “infected blistered feet” and “sores”, and there is no record of any treatment for the physical wounds. We do worry about and that this doctor (or any doctor – or ANYONE, for that matter!) – can have us committed again on just a whim and a lie. For all we know (and my wife and I have discussed this) – he may have me locked up again simply for prosecuting him. After all, we found out that ANY doctor (even your foot doc) – can have you locked up on ‘these’ (mental health issue) grounds – simply by making up some lie and sending a fax in. Wonderful 1984 World, huh? (“Brave New World”, eh?) However, our doc won’t hear anything about what we are doing in terms of prosecution until the lawyer contacts him – let him think we’ve simply tucked our tails and run. Good for him, and good thing for us as it works towards our advantage.

    As for our own first aid: well, we will tell the truth. “I did the best I knew how – but I’m no medical professional – I knew I needed more help, which is why I went to my doc. To get something better than first aid. But instead I got nothing.” (Which is substantiated by our medical records.) This casts a disparaging light on him – and the whole issue of how society treats those with medical and mental ‘issues’. Should be interesting at least!

    The weight loss thing: we recognize that the delays in feeding was due to inprocessing. However, in the 2nd hospital on the 2nd or 3rd day the doctor there told the staff that we were to be on (or given) “double rations”. However, they didn’t start the double rations until the last two or three meals (right before we were due to be released). This can be looked at as an attempt to ‘cover up’ their error by ‘fattening me up’ before I was due to come home so that my family wouldn’t know that they weren’t feeding us properly (and the food WAS short rationed and terrible at that particular hospital – many of the patients were losing weight, and rarely did those on ‘double rations’ receive double rations.) We suspect some of the food was being stolen and sold ‘out of the store’ by the staff – but of course we have no proof, and won’t be making that particular allegation unless evidence turns up proving otherwise.

    Anyway – great to hear from you guys – Sam – give your girls my love – and Michael? Hope all is going well and that you’ve managed to avoid that ‘crash’! … Off to life – got a trip today!


  4. Michael says:

    You seem to have a pretty good handle on it. Watch the defendant thing. It can not be personal unless you prove the action was done with intent to harm. Negligence is what I think you are looking at. As far as having more is better I disagree other than if one falls the others tend to settle.

    The hospital is a class action case which are only good for the lawyers and the courts that get paid to deal with them. There is not a psych hospital in the US that could stand outside scrutiny.. To be fair I never ran a company that could stand it either.

    I keep telling you crashes are the only way for me to heal. No better way to avoid them than staying multiple.


  5. jeffssong says:

    I think you are right, Michael: the suits would be for negligence in several of the ‘cases’, and there are indications of illegal or at least unethical medical behavior in others; and then there is the one doc who said (but did he write it? I doubt it …) that there was no reason to keep us but that he *wanted* to keep us because we were so “interesting”. LOL! They even had me attending some of the depression groups there at the end – to help the patients, of all things (the doctor, a different one – the one who released me – said). Which we did. LOL, by the time we left one of the patients who had refused to talk or interact with the other patients was at least talking a bit to me and trying to give me his snack time snacks. 🙂 We enjoyed and loved helping others.

    Got it: the crashes are beneficial. Did not “get that” (being dense) but got it now. 🙂 We are conditioned and used to thinking of crashes as “bad”, hence our misunderstanding. Sorry about that.

    Until later – busy day – wiring up some low volt lighting (woo-hoo! Got 1200+W of DC power on tap – finally! Great fun!) – plus some art stuff, cleaning up the shop (about time) – and doing some online research … LOL! Always got too many projects going … bouncing from one to another – and getting only a little done. Hope the hurricane leaves ya’ll alone, and that you get to enjoy a swim real soon.

    Until later
    Jeff & Krew


  6. found your blog on Google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.


  7. L Maillet says:

    Those are some horrendous injuries! How long ago did it happen? What made all the circle injuries all over your legs?! It is inconceivable to me that you were not treated well medically!! Those foot infections look very serious. Thinking.. Advancing to gangrene, flesh eating disease.. Or being infected in those wounds by random bacteria/viruses you could pick up in a hospital!! That is criminal! Why, why, why were you locked up there in P.R.? Why all the gestures, looks, etc. what does this mean?!?!


    • jeffssong says:

      Going on 3 years now I think? And we weren’t locked up so much as ‘kidnapped’ by a so-called ‘friend’ who used to work Army Intel under the CIA over in S. America – and who we suspect may have been groomed as a handler . . . and ‘our’ background’ (some sort of military program?) made us suspiciously easy for him until ‘we’ caught on, used psychology . . . some, we suspect, was drug induced tho’ we never did much more than smoke some reefer & eat the food. We wonder if we weren’t given PCP. The funny thing is in the end it all worked out, and we saw / heard some amazing things. “We” as a DID system have never worked better before, learned a lot about a lot of different parts, & got a lot of sh** all sorted out …. weird stuff here as well when we got back. Even my wife was freaked out – not by ‘me’ so much as weird coincidences & proof of stuff.


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