Sometimes . . .

As you can probably tell by our previous post, some of us are upset.  (Thank you, M3 and Matthew, both which are pretty darned mad right now … I’m sorta functioning as an intermediatary, but I’ll forwarn you: this ain’t gonna be pretty, folks (wincing and grimacing . . . and stepping offstate, the Creative personality (or at least a part of him (here, winking at Mikie)) – saying “Goodbye for now!  More news at 11:)
Okay here goes (“Elvis” signing off right here) ….

Sometimes . . .

oh well, the hell with it.  Elvis done made me laugh; Noel posted a comment that made us rethink things (like we’re gonna be mean and all that) . . . but here goes:

Sometimes . . .

It seems like I was born to get kicked in the teeth.

I got screwed when I was a little kid (for real!) and screwed as an adult again.

There’s no damn way I’m gonna be paying four thousand dollars for medical services I did not want, did not request – and in large part (as in ‘helping me’) – receive.

All my life I’ve gotten screwed like a kid – that kid being me and the molester being that giant old monster we’ve got called “human society”.  I’m not complaining (yes I am!) – I mean, after all – I pulled myself up by my own damn bootstraps (abuse and all) – got myself my own house, and (thank gawd, SSDI, and a whole lot of jobs) – enough income (barely) to get by (as long as the wife keeps on working.)

I’ve served my country, done my duty – got injured a few times (long, wild stories – won’t tell ’em right here), ended up disabled (24 years later – some injuries take time to take you out) – but due to a snafu in the paperwork (meaning: “they were cheating”) – I got screwed out of my disability.  I get $128 a month in benefits, and supposedly I’m eligible for VA care.  Around here you go to the VA to die (And get this – no joke!! – It’s a standard joke here in the CSRA: you go to the VA to die.)  They’ll kill ya for sure.  No matter what you got.  Had a friend or two die out there from “professional curiosity”.  Damnest thing to die of after fighting a war, if you ask me.

Despite being in constant (and worsening) pain for 26 years; I served my tour, did my duty, didn’t complain (much).  I was the Unusual Marine – to say the least!  But graduated with honors … ’nuff said.)  Made a new career or two for myself . . . didn’t complain (again – much).  Delighted in my family and wife (and lets ignore the fact that one of my daughters got preggers by a 67 year old man when she was 15 …. things are done different down here.  And no – I didn’t approve.  And it wasn’t my ‘real’ daughter – I had ‘inherited’ her from my wife (she was 12 – my step-daughter, not my wife, LOL!) – but she went off to live with her father – where she went wild.  They all did.  And the ‘law’ allowed this ….

Jeez, whutta society we live in…

And people: so many are so scared, so ‘selfish’ in and of themselves – their time, their conduct – and especially their expectations that no one be too different from them … in thought and attitude, perceptions and behavior – and then ‘locking them up’ when they prove to be ‘too different’ – never mind they are a danger to nobody, including themselves – and then turning around and billing them for it!  . . . .

But sometimes we get tired of being ‘good and kind’, of being ‘gentle and loving’.  Sometimes we get mad . . .

and mostly it’s at “you”, the general society . . .

while pitying you at the same time …

Would it take so much to be gentle and loving; a little tolerant of the differences in one another (just like ‘me’ inside – having to be loving and tolerant of my different personalities inside – despite their ‘wrong-doing’ in your or society’s mind?).  I dunno.  We’ve ‘been’ like that ever since we were a little kid: a server, always doing something for somebody . . .

and then getting screwed either in or while doing it (again, literally sometimes) – and the pain and betrayal just goes marching on . . .

Wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t see you ‘all’ doing it to yourselves (and each other) sometimes – not all the times!  Not saying this applies to everybody!  But I’m certainly saying it probably applies to someone you know . . . or some part or thing inside yourself . . . just like ‘me’, sometimes . . .

Except the ‘selfish’ nature – I don’t ‘get’ that thing – I understand it on an intellectual and psychological level (“I want it all to be mine because if I possess and control all the resources then I will be the one to survive . . . anything!”)  I’ve got just enough to survive (I also earn some from Social Security Disability – 100%, plus Medicare – thank you very much, my income earning taxpayers.  I was just like you one day . . . and then this shit happened.  Not my planned form or terms of retirement.  Just something I had to do.  Doctor’s orders . . . LO bitter L’s.  Fought that one for a while . . . then the Body won….)

But . . . greed . . . and walking through litter today (I kicked it ALL back into the road.  Why should I have to walk through litter when it’s YOU out there throwing it from your cars?  And why ARE you littering this planet so much with your litter and filth?  Pure sheer human laziness??  I mean, come ON . . . throw it in the back or something, then clean out your car at home.  Damn human beings . . .)

Did you know: human beings are the only species on Earth that are litter bugs?  None of the other animals can make litter and/or ‘pollution’ – not like us.  And we do.  Knowing it is bad. You don’t crap in your own nest.  Even a dog knows that one.  Why is it that people don’t?

(sigh)

But like I said in a post long ago:

“Life is about abuse.  How much you can take.  And how much you learn from it.”

I just feel like (sometimes) – the world (society) – and ‘you’ (the general perception and public) – are trying to teach me something else.

And it damn sure ain’t about “being good”.

It’s more like “grab for yourself, take advantage of – abuse, even! – other people to get what you want”.  It’s like “go screw the world!  Waste everything, throw it away.”  Greed, greed, and more greed.  And suspicion and fear when anything else comes along that’s the least little bit different.  A little bit too much ‘not you’.  And with that suspicion comes rejection, avoidance – more fear – and then sometimes anger – and sometimes a knee jerk reaction . . . all based on this ‘social stigma’ and such …

Don’t be who you are, god damnit, “they” seem to be saying to me.  “Keep your mouth shut – we don’t want to hear about it.”  Go and F yourself, in other words.  And then (LOL’ing right now) – they go and bill you for it. (Not that I intend on paying that one – or any other.)

But . . . I’ve gotten where I hate doctors (another effect of being abused) – distrust them, think they’re all dishonest (knowing perfectly well at the same time that they are NOT; they are each individuals) – even more P.O.’d at my Dr’s wife, who “we” (the family) thinks initiated (and lied) this thing (the involuntary incarceration at some mental museum, where all the shrinks were fossils) . . .

The wife feels betrayed; I feel betrayed; there is so much evidence that they did not follow the system; the last lawyer I talked to said the case was “too messy” and anyway: “the medical mental (side) has a lot of leeway and leniency that the (physical) profession doesn’t have . . . they can pretty much do anything they want . . .”  Which they did – not even following their own ‘stuff’.

Which is strange.  Even the clerks and a probate judge, as well as a few law officers and others in “the system” have said there’s something ‘strange’ and ‘weird’ about how much paperwork can’t be found . . . about how the whole thing was apparently done.  Everything is wrong with it.  There is evidence of lies, possibly forgery – my doctor (and the law officers who came to my house) – lied.  There is no paperwork (incident reports and whatnot) that they ever came or dropped me off at the hospital.  Nothing.  Somebody evidently poised as my wife.  Things are screwy enough that the people we are talking to (the officers, the probate judge) say we should get a lawyer . . . but . . . (jeez, shaking head) . . . more money, more cost . . . and who can trust a lawyer?!!!  (old joke, I know. But would you trust one?  Hell, I don’t even trust my doctor anymore!!!)

It’s just one thing after another, and like I said (and told the doctors) –

“I get screwed as a kid, and now YOU are screwing me.  Victimizing the victim.  Abusing the abused for telling their story . . .”

And really, that’s what it was all about . . .

(dark clouds of brooding anger and brows; ya; Matthew’s thinking ….)

But anyway (cheering up, M3 here!)

That’s life.

And sorry for the long post.  We’re just venting again.

grrr.  (baby ‘grrr’, like a baby lion or tiger . . . just for Mikie inside!  LO Smiling going around ….)

 

Advertisements

About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
This entry was posted in Anger, child abuse survivor, Life, Marine Corps, social issues, social stigma and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Sometimes . . .

  1. Sam Ruck says:

    Is there any free and competent legal advice available??? Sorry that the crap just keeps coming.

    Sam

    Like

  2. jeffssong says:

    Thanks Sam. We are hunting legal advice. Thus far what we’ve got is a mess. “They” didn’t follow proper procedure (that’s for sure!) – but as a lawyer told us: “The mental health institutions have a LOT of leeway in what they do . . .” – meaning they can do whatever they want – and you can NOT refuse treatment (after all, supposedly you are ‘mental’ and unable to make the decision) and it’s OKAY to lie, commit forgery and identify ‘theft’ – whatever it takes to make a “mental patient” ‘go away’ (meaning putting them in a mental health institution) – it’s ALL okay and fine, apparently, when it comes to mental health victims. ALL of it. You can even starve them and abuse them – and that’s okay as well! Amazing, isn’t it. Lie, cheat, steal (ya – we had some stuff stolen by the staff while at the hospital – had to give it to them – never got it back – and when asked, they ‘couldn’t find it’.) Go figure. It’s a bloody F’ing racket, and sooo! unfair to mental health VICTIMS. Cuz’ (as we found) – you will certainly find yourself victimized if you enter the mental heath care system. They aren’t there to help you. I know they didn’t help US – they damaged and hurt us in so many ways we can’t even hardly keep count – our wife is STILL hurting (depressed, crying for no reason) cuz’ of this crap. Wasn’t like this before we were involentarily committed – and then the doctor lying about having us put away (to our FACE!) – and not answering our wife’s calls . . . the list just goes on and on. We are really upset and angry. Gonna take the machine gun out today I think . . . go wipe out some squirrels. Might make us feel better. But we (minus Mikie; he’s not into this crap) will be picturing the Doctor’s face on every one . . . .

    Like

Go Ahead. You were thinking . . . ?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s