Random: 09292011.1642

(LO quiet laffing going on . . . check out that date.  And yah – we’re a Star Trek fan, BTW … Matthew here 🙂

So …

What if when you die you suddenly wake up to someone unbuckling your body from a ride and saying “Have a nice time?  How was the trip?” . . . and finding out it was all a dream anyway . . . Matrix style :O !!!

Even stranger still to find yourself an “alien” or some blue skinned many armed tenticled beast . . . or something like that.

You never know.

It might all be just a Dream 😀

We made friends a bit with the wife this month . . . more than a bit.  We (meaning me, Matthew, and a few others) are slowing (trying) to ‘train’ the wife to accept us a bit much more … ‘ourselves’, as individual beings.  Thus far, all we’ve done is let M3 ‘out’; he’s the one who ‘manages’ her.  A bit a lot more ‘adult’ than me, oh and but whut the hell, eh?  (LOL!  Oops …. just REALIZED I’m using M3’s ‘blog name’ and should be writing in the Lost Journals, which is MY blog instead …. but M3’s given me permission to do that this time.)

LOL’ing.  M3. Whudda bitch.

(and then had to “wait a minute” while ‘someone else’ opened the address on my other blog and ‘linked’ it to here or whatever… jeezus.  Wanted me to link that up there, too.)

Yeah, we (get ready for another link … sighing right here, waitaminute) …. okay, copy’n’paste it, right … we’ve been reading that book again, which is part of the reason I’m “out” (“there”! LOL’ing – punny)… we get to read it and he gets to come out kinda thing))…

Okay, you see how crazy it gets in here (Matthew again).

But here’s the deal: that book is so much about ME and my kid (He’s yours as well: addressing ‘ourselves’ or ‘the others’ right there – some need reminding some of the times).  It really brings me ‘out’ reading it ….

jeez.  I did say “Random”, didn’t I???  Well . . . then … you were forewarned, eh??  LOL coming from us!

Anyway: less crazy.

We’ve slowly been introducing our wife to ourselves; albeit very slowly and very cautiously.  We do what Michael would call “regressing” somewhat to when we were little right there in bed with her; nowhere else; only then can we (and he, our littlest ones) feel ‘safe’ enough to ‘come out’ – albeit a little.  And never any talking (but once).  And she seems to be okay with this; I think she ‘knows’ (in fact, I and “we” all pretty much know she does).  But that’s good, too.

Anyway . . .

We made her feel good – we bought a book for her today – that same book.  It’s still got some errors – and we ‘cut’ it’s original length (trim trim trim!  A rule in publishing.  “Every word a jewel,” our English teacher used to say.  “To where you cannot take one out or put one in without affecting everything (in the sentence or phrase).”  A good rule for writing, but obviously not one we use in our blog!  (and, I imagine, somewhere in heaven an old English teacher is gently nodding and shaking a finger of disapproval at us and chuckling – because we certainly wrote plenty of stories for her to read!).

But now we have to sign our book . . .

and that means ‘giving us away’ (coming ‘out’, in some senses of the word) – and we HATE doing that to / with someone.  It helps them HURT us sometimes – can be used in hate sometimes – to get ‘even’ with us…hurt us in some ways (sudden tears springing into eyes – why? who’s crying (or attempting to) – and why?  dunno, won’t ask … but … is a bit of a SURPRISE …. someone in ‘us’ was ‘hurt’ with that thing sometimes….thinking….)

Okay, a bit later.  This would go on the “Resolve” pile.  Maybe I should steal a little trick from a fellow blogger and start a pile.  Hint: you know who you are.  Thanks to you we are doing this. 😀

okay, got it written down.

Two issues thus far that have remained a mystery to me.

When we lose something (a tool, an item) – or it is simply misplaced and we cannot find it where it should be – we go WILD.  And it works like this:
First, little Mikie becomes SCARED.  VERY SCARED.  A lot of fear; anxiety goes on; which then triggers the ‘others’ (mostly Matthew and me, M3 – been here for awhile) – get angry . . . because (I guess) the ‘loss’ or a loss like that represents some kind of threat . . .

I’m thinking we were severely abused (Beaten, probably, several times – yes, Mikie’s – damn! ouch! – can even ‘feel’ a bit of physical pain .. gee..)

Okay, try again.  Apparently our little one (putting his poor hide away for some time) – was beaten and abused for losing something; probably several times, which leads to this fear in him.  Unfortunately, this fear is misplaced in “today’s world”.  Many of the items which he loses are non-mission critical; not needed; not wanted or something like that – and he expects to get beaten about them …. comes from our training somewhat and perhaps, I’m thinking….

So problem one: fixing Mikie’s fears about ‘losing things’ so WE don’t fly into such a rage when such things happen, because when Mikie feels fear, we go into “self-defense” mode …. of course, and it makes sense ….

Well, we’ve reached the 800 or so word limit, so we’re gonna ‘shut down’ right here to go think about things ….

Third Issue is this one, and It’s An Important One!!!

There is the ‘third’ among ourselves; somewhere between 10 and 13 … the ‘mystery’ one … another layer of transitions …. something we’re gonna talk about in the future: these “transition beings” …. because there’s one in me….


About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
This entry was posted in Alters, child abuse survivor, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Matthew, MPD, Schizophrenia, The Lost Journals and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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