Being Different

I suppose we all knew we were running a little bit out of ‘normal’.  Like Bill Engal says about cool: running about fifteen degrees off kilter.  It’s always been like that.  It’s always been normal.

Being beaten as a child (regularly and fairly often) was normal.  All the punishments were ‘normal’.  Even the six week restrictions were ‘normal’ – though my friends at the time didn’t think so.  They just thought it cruel, and that our parents were being ‘weird’.  Overly strict and things.

Having sex as a child … hmmm.  Yeah, that seemed kinda ‘normal’ as well – just the kind of thing a kid would do.  Nothing unusual about it – something to “hide”, of course (lest the folks find out and get mad) – but normal.  Yeah.

Getting bounced around . . . yeah, that seemed kinda normal – living in one place for a few years, then another for a few months – and then a half dozen moves in a few months after . . . leading to living in a place for some years . . . yeah, that was kinda normal.  Mostly is for any kind of military dependent family … especially for young kids.

But folks have always said I’m not ‘normal’.  “You know that Mikie!” they’d laugh, “Always getting into trouble!”  Then later, as a teenage kid: “You know M.  Always into something weird.”  (Like science and survival and camping and stuff.)  Coming up with unusual things to say: unusual outlooks, perceptions, jots and notes . . .

“M.  Come to my office please.”  Another kick in the pants – or another raise.  I never knew which.  Usually (come to think about it – and to come down to it) – it was another project that they were wanting me to “add to your plate”.  Sometimes I was juggling as many as twenty-five projects at a time.  And this was in engineering.  The Big Stuff.  And Pharmaceutical.  You know that one’s big – and we worked for one of the biggest…..

“You aren’t normal,” the guy said, looking at me.  We’d just gotten the results of our “herman something or other” brain dominance test.  I’d scored impossibly – in two ranges – diametrically opposed to each other.  Analytics (science, logic) – and Creativity.  Lousy at those human skills, tho’ . . .

Voted “The Most Honest Person” in there.  Also “The Most Laid Back” as well as “The Easiest To Get Along With”.  (Informal polls, those – most of them, anyway.)  Along with being honest.

But being different . . . being multiple . . . being ME.

It kinda sucks sometimes.

No one can truly understand you.  From what I know, I represent something like 0.o1% of the population.  Now that’s truly rare.  And I’ll tell ya something else.

It’s also truly ‘lonely’ in this ‘cage’ I’m in – this one of mind and matter; this body I’m in; these people I “possess”.  It’s really weird – here I am, “DID”, multiple personality – so in a sense, I’m never truly “alone” (I can be friends and hold conversations with my ‘selves’ – “we” entertain ourselves a LOT that way … listening without a sound, nothing on but the crickets outside.  We find music and TV a … distracting was to live.)

But – who truly knows me?  Who truly knows anybody, for that matter?  Who knows what thoughts and ideas lurk in those heads; what emotions they are feeling; what they are THINKING . . .

no one does.  Not unless they tell you.

And they don’t – not most of the time.

And when it comes to “this stuff” – this “DIDism” and “MPDism” and (old) “PTSDism” and all that … blending it up, mixing it together – managing to stay in control ….

Well, it’s a wonder that I do, I reckon, except I know so many other people are doing better.  And worse, I suppose.  And everywhere inbetween.  It all depends on where they are in their journey – this Journey of Life we’re on ..

But it gets mighty “alone” in here – not to be confused with “loneliness” (which “we” sometimes feel) – but we’re never “alone”.  Not inside, not ever.  Not by a long shot.

And we kinda like it like that . . .

But imagine:

You can tell nobody how you “feel” – because you feel so many things.
You can’t tell anybody who “you” really are . . .
Nobody can really get to truly “know” you . . .
they are usually confused when you try to explain,
and when you go into those issues about child abuse . . .

Well, it’s more than likely they’re gonna tell you “just hang on” – and walk away like so many other did, never intending on coming back, or ever talking to you again.

Even the abused ones do that sometimes . . . when you give too much sometimes.

And so ….

the therapists and shrinks we all saw – all of them – one by one (except one) – they “quit”, threw their hands up….

for we were indeed “too different” and “resistive to therapy” because
A) they didn’t know what they were doing;
B) they didn’t realize what it takes to keep the system under control;
C) they didn’t know who they were dealing with;
D) and they refused my help in helping THEM understand ME so that they could help me help me help myself somewhat better . . .

Cuz’ that’s what’s gotta be done.

Educating folks.  Yeah – people like you, and others – what this “DID” means … that we’re not some kinda Dr. J and Mister Hyde ….

and then maybe it won’t be so lonely anymore . . .

Maybe it would be nice to finally be able to get up and introduce myself as ME – one of many who happens to be one . . . one body, that is – without getting laughed at, thrown into the mental museum, or listening to the shocked silence of “get out of here.”

For once it would be nice to be free . . . of the social stigma, the concerned looks, the gasps and incredulous eyes; the pointy questions – to be able to talk FREELY and say “WE” . . .

and not feel so let down . . . by those all around us.  Not their fault; but ours . . .
and I hate it.  On behalf of all my selves . . .
for we are all alone.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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2 Responses to Being Different

  1. Michael says:

    I might be wrong. i really think that a therapist would enjoy working with you. They like to work with people who work hard and progress.

    That being said. Make sure you are not your own worst enemy. You may start with telling the therapist what you need them to do. You do come off as an expert at times as in that is how you start most writing.

    You don’t know what the therapist needs to do, That is their gig. You express not teach.

    Not a big jump to assume you have issues with authority in that you think there is one and you are one.

    If you knew what you needed than you would not be considering a therapist.

    i am on a new kick which is really a I am more aware of what others are doing and that is therapy is about discovery. Some things really bad. Some things really good.

    Like

  2. jeffssong says:

    Excellent reply, Michael. Factual, informative, and as far as I know, right – though to be honest, we see-saw on the therapist thing, wondering (now; before PR we would have had more doubts) why we need a therapist at all. Basically happy (except about the involuntary committal thing – my wife and I are both very angry about that for many reasons, not the least of which was someone impersonating or misrepresenting my wife over the phone – our Dr.’s wife, we suspect – as well as evidence the 1013 was not procedurally valid – yeah; we’re learning law (boring).

    We do have authority problems; always did I reckon. Maybe not so much as a kid. Growing up military might have had something to do with it. Getting screwed over by “the authorities” over and over again might have something to do with it. More than likely, it’s a combination of factors, including our own parent’s training – we are feeling that that has a lot more to do with it as our mother was always somewhat of a radical and father … well. I had (actually “we” had to) train ourselves to resist him when we were 14; he was getting into psychology and all that kinda “stuff” – and our only best weapon was to use what he taught to us (and we learned on our own) against him, and to resist his efforts. As a result my brother came out skewed, and I fared only slightly different (having been broken at an earlier time). But think lab rats: one is given the training; the other is held in control. That’s what he was doing. And he ‘conditioned’ me to resist any kind of ‘training’ or ‘therapy’ and attempts to ‘screw with my mind.’ Very much so.

    As a result, most therapists I’ve found find me extremely hard to deal with. That being said, it’s not that I’ve given up on therapy – it’s that I’ve almost given up finding a good therapist in my area. There is one I’m kinda interested in looking at – she specializes in hypno-therapy (in which we’ve been remarkably unsuccessful, due to disinterest and fears on several parts of my being) – as well as expressive and other things (art included). This may be a good thing; it may not. First there’s the question of “do we need therapy?” And for that you would have to know how we are doing. For the most part we are doing well. We are financially independent (though admittedly lower income than I’d like to be) – don’t need a job; get along with everybody; am pretty much a “happy person”. Do we have issues with some stuff? Could we benefit from an GOOD therapist? I have no doubt – in a lot of ways. But finding one around here has (historically speaking) been hard, the ones we found fairly useless – and they cost money. You usually have a several hundred, if not thousand dollar investment in a therapist (and/or their own drugs) before you can realize “this therapist is not for me” (or as happened, ‘you are too resistant’). (shrug). Life is life; part of our adventure – we’ll see.

    We are glad to hear about your new ‘kick’ – sounds good! And yes: therapy IS about self-discovery – we’ve done a lot of that ourselves – and PR was a voyage of self-discovery that really opened some of our eyes – and as you say, some of it is good (Very Good!) – and some very bad (made us cry … first time, 2nd & 3rd – in 38 years … worsen’ any baby ….) – and you’re not wrong: we probably need some, and I’ve no doubt.
    Under good therapy: we’d probably benefit some. Probably a whole “lot”, together.

    Just so you know: we haven’t given up on the idea of it. But also realize: we’re basically a happy man. Except about what happened when we came back from PR. That really PO’s me & the wife – big time. Given that she’s PO’d as well – I reckon it’s not so bad. Just the normal thing. Which is good. 😀

    Until later … we’ve got a lot to do.
    M&M&Crew

    Like

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