Missing Persons Report

For some time we have been aware of a “missing person”.  This person is inside of us, but we have not been able to ‘nail’ it or him (and I’m thinking it’s a him – pretty sure; most of us are) – down.

We’ve been mostly aware of this “missing person” when we’ve sat down and have attempted our lineage – from Mikie to Matthew to M3.  But someone’s missing.  We know this because a) there is a big timeslot in our life “missing” (or rather, so fragmented we can only see glimpses and fuzz … the coherent ‘whole’ is there, I know and we’re sure – but only ‘pieces’ are in ‘my’ head), and B) The Voices.

The Voices (lets just describe this one) – are part of the crowd, but there’s a special one.  This one goes like this:

“I wanna kill someone.”  or “You are fat and ugly.  You should kill yourself.”  or “What’s the use.  You’ve done everything.  Why don’t we lay down and die?”  Stuff like that.

Now we’ve learned somewhat (and we learned it from Jeffery) – when you ‘hear’ those voices in your head, you gotta ask what they are: “who” are they coming from?  I mean this is some totally random stuff: you are chopping some lettuce or walking around in the yard and Boom!  this thought hits you – and sometimes a wash of negative depression; blue funk kinda mood.

So we ‘ask’: “Who is that?” so we can identify who or what is having this kind of problem.  Thing is: we’ve always come up empty handed.

Tell me.  How would YOU like to go around knowing there was a piece of YOU missing somewhere inside, too?

This ‘piece’ we’re missing is from between the ages of 12-13; or 10-14 – somewhere in there.  I’m thinking (examining our memories – who / what is missing???  And there it is …. the period when we went to Germany; overseas somewhere … arriving, then nothing … nothing there for year one; year two getting a little more or less fuzzy; then year three coming in stronger – and the the “thing” happens (when we lose our friend) – and bang; year “4” and “we’re” there – or at least most of the personalities we “recognize” inside as “people”.

But this one …. this is the trick:

It was during a “transition period” – this meaning a period of extreme adjustment to our ‘head’ while we tried to take in a new environment, a new place, a new way of living ….

To get a sense of this, you gotta understand . . . .

Here you got this kid.  Mikie, lets call him.  He’s been raised up in “the hood“.  He’s a country kid and a rural kid; children raised in the South.  He’s grown up barefoot and in shorts for “most” his years (and in some ways this is very ‘real’, since our Mikie wasn’t created until we were three or four or somewhere right in there – about three, I’m thinking, during ‘the’ transition period in that time.)  He’s grown up knowing his neighbors and friends, living on a dirt road, breathing in the dust and fresh air; playing through the pines, digging dirt forts; shooting each other with dirt clods . . . enormous fights and wars – great fun for a little boy (and some that was not so fun). . . .

and then here we go – in a space of 30 days!  Here comes the warning (“your dad’s got orders”.) – then BANG – in the course of one day you are flown a few thousands of miles, dropped in a hotel somewhere, and find yourself . . .

in a foreign land where people speak much different than you, and you cannot read the signs; can’t even order anything to eat! – and NOW you are living in some apartment complex – a military one at that – on some high security base – surrounded by Army and all it’s equipment (and secrets as well: oh, hell – the secrets that were going on!  I saw stuff I KNOW was against the treaties back then . . . and then there was the darker side of what was going on; going on with us kids . . . things involving . . . well, I’m really not supposed to say.  Lets just say some of it had to do with war.  Heck, a lot of it did.)

And so you have this little naive kid (who!, BTW, had JUST gotten out of trouble with his abuser friend – the one who had been molesting him – and was having some BAD anger issues over some stuff …. he’d grown “too old” for the abuse . . . and had started seeking younger kids …. for the abuser to be using.  Good thing we got outta there, didn’t it? (I’m asking my ‘kids’ inside and they are all solumnly nodding.  We were definitely heading down the wrong road way back then, you know …. even as a small child (now feeling some sadness; knowing I was abused . . . and as such it ‘contaminated’ me …. but we are loving and forgiving towards our inner child and are loving him very much for this thing…)

Anyway: there you go.  This country kid arrives “on-base” in a foreign land – and the adjustments!!!  Suddenly living with his father again (there’s one.)  The ‘abuse’ suddenly slackening off (lack of a sexual friend …. something we TRIED – and did sometimes find ‘over there’ – but not for long.  Either they or we were always getting ‘shipped off’ somewhere . . . . always somewhere different, always someone going . . . always losing your friends ….)

We basically allowed one kid to rape us again and again over there . . . just for fun.  Just from loneliness.

Sometimes it was bone cold lonely over there.  Chillingly lonely.  And we were the only kid “like us” . . . none of the others seemed to know what was going on . . . THEY were so naive when it came to so many things – and so were we.  A basic fool in many senses of the word – while at the same time being ‘geniuses’ in other areas . . .

It was a hard row to hoe; meaning it was a hard transition – and we’re ‘missing’ the ‘person’ or ‘persons’ from ‘then’ to some extant.  There are those missing YEARS for Christ’s sake.  Just the dimmest of dim, fuzziest of fuzz memories – year ONE???!!!  Keep wracking my brain – “we” can remember waking UP over there – the first few DAYS . . . and then fading into fog … flicker flicker flicker – we traveled a LOT back then …. then settling down (year 3) … then 4.  Four was a wonderful period and a bad one.  Started off good – and ended up killing us inside . . .

And then Matt was ‘born’ – transition period maybe 6 months?  A year?

Then M3 at about 21 – sharing second hand custody with the Matthew being until about 23, 24 … somewhere in there (Matthew’s Journals – the “Lost Journals” that we should be transposing online here to his journal (see menu above) – cover THAT period …. then M3 definitely has pretty much ‘upper hand’ . . . shared custody since then.  Mikie takes a wayside seat most of the time – and we HATED him HARD for many many years (see our earlier blog entries – it wasn’t so long ago that this has all changed – while we were in Puerto Rico this July, as a matter of fact, WE changed!) – then again there is the “toddler” being (done at 3), and the “baby being” (very unimportant to us on most levels – very few memories left from then, but from parental reports and deduction, we can deduce the abuse began at a very early age indeed; probably at birth by some German nurses there . . .)

 

But there’s definitely a someone missing . . . and while I got time, I know it’s gonna take awhile to ‘dig’ this someone up – this ‘missing part’ of our lineage . . . he’s resistive and stubborn, and a lot like me ‘and me’ – and about a half dozen of my other selves – and therefore gonna be tightlipped (“as a clam!”) and hard to open up . . .

But we are patient and we have learned . . . the first step is in the knowing . . . the asking of the question . . .

For asking the question is the beginning of finding the answer . . .

and we’re on the trail . . .

(and yah, Michael, if you’re somewhere out there: this is where we might could use a good therapist, LOL’ing!!!  If only we could find one!)

Until later,

Jeff & Crew
and apparently
a Missing One!

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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2 Responses to Missing Persons Report

  1. Michael says:

    I have had some success with finding out where one came from, The origin might be a way to describe it. Often once I know that than we can start to understand. It is not going to work if you go with anger. Start there is a good reason for them being. You needed them for some reason and it was likely not your choice out theirs.

    I sometimes draw and write on the same paper. Way way not art and we stay away from that.
    None of us came into being just for the hell of it.

    Like

  2. jeffssong says:

    🙂 Michael. We don’t / aren’t antagonistic towards any of our ‘strangers’ in “there” (visualizing and seeing our “Crowd”, the dark masses) – certainly we are expecting to be welcoming them! This one’s hurt for sure – they ‘all’ are in some way … but it’s hard. It’s like having an angry young boy who’s locking himself in a room. “We” are all gently becoming family inside – no more rejection (we’ve had enough of that from outsiders!) – no ‘leaving anyone alone’ – making ‘them’ make it alone and ‘by themselves’. We welcome any new addition into our ‘household’ with open arms and joy – that’s the ways its supposed to be being, I’m supposing on many levels right here. Otherwise how can we come together?

    Voicing his hurts is going to be one way of ‘getting it all together’ (Jeff’s Song; the Song of Life; Us All Singing together) – but it’s gonna take time. This one’s younger and confused. He lived in a confusing time. Things were going on all around him. He was thrown on his own a time or two. He had many experiences . . . some perhaps he should not have had (hit suddenly with an image there – had to pause; this one hurts; in a bathroom; PX; Stall, with someone … o’tay) – we can see where we’re gonna need ‘help’ – or at least sit a bit and talk to ourselves – processing that one – and several others. And here’s (this kid) where a lot of the Germany training came from; started; this was an initiation point for a lot of things.

    And I also agree: we need to ‘attack’ this thing from the beginning – end, mid-stream – I don’t care. But we’ve gotta be careful and we gotta be kind. Since (as I am writing this) I feel tears in my eyes and a strong desire to cry (but can’t; someone’s holding me back) – I know there’s problems in ‘the system’. But this fact also lets me know that we’re healing somewhat – albeit very slowly, stumbling, making progress and then some – but pulling ourselves along.

    Really starting to wonder about giving that therapist a call . . . might be she would do some good; but we’d be extremely cautious (not a good thing going in) – fearing her terms and conditions, such as perhaps insisting we need to ‘cure’ our ‘condition’ by taking some drugs and forcing us to think in terms and things of ‘oneness’. We’re really not sure we want to be “one”. When we’ve tried we’ve nearly destroyed the system – wreaking havoc everywhere. But on the other hand – as we have discovered from PR – being “all together” – each ‘person’ and ‘thing’ working ‘as one’; minds ‘melding and blending’ readily, fluidly, functionally, and quickly – well boy, that was heaven indeed. Such joy I have not found ….

    Anyway – gotta go – we gotta 50,000 word novel gotta knock out for November. Just a POS and for something to do – but it oughta be fun.

    Until later – and thanks for keeping up!
    We’d like to regard you as a ‘friend’.
    Sincerely,
    jeff, et all, and Friends.

    Like

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