As you can see, the ‘helpful’ definitions given above aren’t helpful – not very much. We’ve been “zoning out” quite a bit here the past few days – which is one of the reasons we haven’t been doing much writing. And then there’s the novel we’ve been thinking about – we have from Nov. 1 to Nov. 30 to get it done; 50,000 words, fiction, no less. So then there’s that to be done: Mikie and Matthew are “writing a script” (meaning manuscript to some) – so we can ‘take off like a bullet’ when it comes time to get this thing done.
Then there’s the puzzling matter – that from the “missing person’s report” that we gave earlier sometime. “Parts” of us are working at that sometimes . . . there is a weird sense of ‘vacuum’ or ‘something missing’ in my mind from that time (ages 10-13) . . . so we’ll see where that one goes . . .
But zoning out – that has been the main problem for the last few days. It makes it hard to hold a coherent ‘chain of thought’ for sometime or get something meaningful done. It doesn’t help that it’s raining, since this means we can’t go outside – see the work we’ve been doing; what we’ve done – maybe putter around in the barn some, seeing what can be done . . .
We ‘laid in’ a 44 foot retaining wall yesterday . . . that is, we directed that it be done (while wielding a shovel and giving a hand; swinging a sledge sometimes) – running 3 “crews” on various jobs we had ‘out in the field’ (meaning our yard) – ranging from painting a barn (given to a cute teenage girl with a spicy attitude and a doting father) – her father and our son (helping ‘string’ that 44 foot wall of ours) – and our ‘two sons’ (or grandsons) – 8 and 11 respectively, replanting some bushes from the back yard to the front . . .
The wall was a steel wall – continuous, no seam – for our pond in the back yard – scavenged from a construction site where it had been thrown (it was destined for the trash – the landfill, as a matter of fact – when we found it) – decorated like a cement wall, and it is now going to serve as a retaining wall at the back of our pond. The spillway blew out some years ago; we got the thing done in about 8 hours. Hopefully now our pond will fill again, and it will be beautiful outside . . . hopefully we can now build our bridge to the far bank without worry about erosion collapsing the bank beneath our bridge . . . we’ll see. This is one of those projects that takes a few years . . .
But we’ve been zoning . . .
Zoning means sorta flat, not able to ‘think’ in thoughts real well . . . in the ‘now’ but NOT in the ‘now’ – sorta somewhere inbetween. It’s not a ‘good thing’ nor is a bad . . .
It’s flat and ‘gray’ emotionally speaking ‘inside’ . . . as though some have ‘gone to sleep’ (which they may have, as a matter of fact; certain ‘portions’ of me can go to ‘sleep’ sometimes, and when we get up in the morning, it’s only “one” – maybe ‘two’ – usually the soldier or Matthew or the M3 being . . .
zoning as we write this, too… hard to do; write and zone …
we can just sit here in the darkness staring “in the zone” . . . sometimes for an hour and a half or so if we aren’t careful . . . just sitting ‘in the zone’ – ‘things’ going on in the back of the mind that ‘we’ or ‘i’ am not consciously aware of … but am ‘hearing’ or ‘feeling’ … like a roiling roar in the back of our mind (picture in our head of a gray overcast sea with a breaker rolling in …. beautiful, toneless, and yet sad) …
This is what zoning is ‘all about’ – not ‘being there’; hard to focus on anything . . .
with that thought in mind (and gently fading, like a tolling bell) . . .
we into “the Zone” again . . .
gently dissociating . . .
and listening to the mumbling murmuring
of the voices way deep inside . . . (not knowing what they are say . . . but simply that they are there – discussing and murmuring something …)
And that’s the state of DID
today in this world.
(smiling . . . and fading out right here) ….