Missing Time

It’s come more and more to our attention that we are missing some time.  Maybe even years.  This would explain some “distortions” in our timeline; our confusion sometimes about when what happened where . . .

You see, this is what’s some to our attention: we can’t remember a single time we moved.  Not once.  At least not until we were an adult.  All those moves between 0-14, 15 years old?  Gone.  Like nothing ever happened.

And here’s the even more sinister thing (or at least we get a feeling of dread about it) – those “missing years” – which we can barely account for.  Those years between five and ten?  (Mikie’s young years.)  Good memory (for we have ‘recovered’ that ‘individual’).  Those years – that day – when we woke up in Germany (at the age of ten – we think!) – THAT day is purely imprinted on my mind (meaning Mikie’s young mind) – we were tired and we were miserable, and suffering from jet-lag – shuffling from one hotel to another (always a German one) – then getting . . . ?????

and that’s it . . . quick snapshots, memories of various places – we are ‘recovering’ memories of that period quicker now – but even so – the going is so very freakin’ slow, jerky – hard, but …

Names of towns roll off my tongue – I know them.   Crailsheim, Schwäbisch Hall , Worms.  Stuttgart, Mainz – tumbling through them like a childish weed; wide eyed wonder – castles, museums, dungeons, people – this from a country child’s point of view – languages he can’t speak, words he can’t read – hell, even some of the letters look different . . . the seven he had learned to once write becomes wrong . . . he’s required to put a bar through it; now it looks like a cursive “T” . . .

I don’t know how many times we must have moved those first few years – I have absolutely NO memory . . . where are the boxes?  the long rides???  Don’t remember a one of those at all . . .

This, we fear, comes from “the incident” which happened (just coincidentally) at about this time of year (October thirtyfirst, of course!) – during our last summer – our last autumn, and our last Halloween during our time in the hood.

We left then a month later

and it was a horrible thing … (okay, yah, we gots the voices fighting and arguing inside, debating the merits and weight and importance of those events in that time, during that day and night, and the days and nights before which led up into then – that night on Halloween . . .)

And yet: Halloween remains one of our most favorite times of years.  But there are troubling aspects around it as well; that one Halloween . . . always comes back to haunt us . . .

as Halloween should.  (no, no . . . we won’t go into that – it’s too dark and dismal and sad and brings up so much bad emotions and things … sad things…)

But this missing “time” – it’s about missing personalities, in some sense.  “These” (there are two definite “times”, or spans of ‘years’ when our memories are very ‘dim’ and fragmented – and there is pain in there).  Two “parts” of ourself that “went missing” some time ago – taking their “times” ‘with them’ (sorry about all the quotation marks – we can’t figure out when or where to use them sometimes!).

The question is: what else went “missing” when they “go” (meaning “they are around here” – stirring around in my head like a wood spoon knocking about in a dark kettle – what did – or do ‘they’ take??  What ‘parts’ or abilities go missing when “they” are not around???

Each part of us makes the whole of us (something our wife sorta reminded us last night) – and if we are “missing” a part – then we are missing something in our emotional/mental makeup, and can be missing out on more subtle things as well.  A depth of love?  A degree of hatred?  We don’t know – you never know until you can figure these things out – and sometimes it takes years.

Sometimes (I reckon) – it’s gonna take a ‘lifetime’.

But this we do know: the “one” from “back then” – is Mikie during ‘his’ transition period to “The Machine” – which is something the teenager ‘broke’ (after basically finding himself trapped within it – having reinforced the creation within himself) – but this would be the ‘birthing’ period of Matthew, so to speak; his background: those transitory years during our time in Germany.

Then again at about 21 – happened again.  There’s some breaks and lapses, but it’s not so bad as at the younger age.  And we have “his” journals to help us: Matthew’s writings (See “The Lost Journals”, menu item above).  But – it’s very hard reading them.  Not “hard to read” as in bad handwriting (which there is) – but hard to read as painful and beautiful and sad and hard and … lost and tortured – yes, even then, wishes for death – so very often!!!

(sigh. . . someone’s crying inside … it’s Matthew and the little one’s also sad; sad for him, Matthew, the burden he has to bring – and allow himself to become – to US, and to him, our little one, Mikie, the one he’s been protecting for so long . . .)

Poor Matthew.  We love him . . . but he has trouble to understand; we forgive – but he turns his head in sadness (shame? guilt, too) – but that’s okay, too . . .

That’s what we’re for…

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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6 Responses to Missing Time

  1. Michael says:

    Good work. Hard is it not?

    Perhaps watch out for who is protecting who and if they still need or want that protection.

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  2. It’s a difficult one – like chasing ghosts. *BUT* – “they” affect our behavior. We know we are missing some things: like math skills and a basic instinct towards “jealousy” (we have none). The math one we are able to overcome through programming. (computers are wonderful math machines). But … (twisted wry smile, not ‘happy’, but frowning frustrated) – we should be able to do the math. Instead we set up spreadsheets and functions … failed first year algebra for five years, LOL – and yet we did well in trig, geometry and such; never had errors in engineering calcs (being very careful with them since we knew that our math sucked). But … there’s a deeper thing; a ‘block’ there – from childhood and experiences ‘in there’.

    We know we should be “diagramming” ourselves out – there are interdependencies and such. This will help us get a hand on a) how many, and b) who / missing years, HOWEVER ….

    WE do not ‘want’ to create a problem – or more problems. Under ideal circumstances we will simply ‘absorb’ or ‘integrate’ the two missing ‘personalities’ (and hopefully their memories, feelings, and skills which we are missing) into two or three of our existing ones – however, we feel in one case it won’t be ‘allowed’ – that ‘that’ personality is too different to us for us to ‘assemble’ – he’s gonna have to be his own self – (thinking – feeling ‘him’ hurt deep inside – yup, it’s a him, and he’s hurting something bad – hmm…) – BUT – if we can, we’ll try to incorporate (or ‘paste’) ‘him’ onto the beginning of Matthew’s personality – (Matt is grim about it, but we’ve managed to help him be accepting about this ‘chance’.) – more pain for him (our Matthew) – but we doubt this can be done. Hard to try; gotta be careful about ‘erasing’.

    We also have come to the realization that we should list all normal human emotions and see what we are missing. Jealousy is missing. Envy is missing. We would “like” something someone else is doing, but we don’t crave it. Pure greed … gone? Don’t know. Shower me with cash and see what happens, LOL. Who knows.

    Anyway – gotta run.
    M.

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  3. Michael says:

    I can not do arithmetic well I can do math. I have discaculia. I only have it at times it is a brain thing. It has all but gone away in part due to my work with the Rubik cube. It took me a long time to do the RubiK cube and it was hard. How I knew to do this I have no idea.

    Just so you know Eisenstein could not count change. I can not either. That one I just work around., I do not use change and throw it in a box and that is what I spend come Christmas. It is a pretty good system as the more money I have during the year the more change I have at Christmas. Kinda a auto percentage of my income.

    I just recently started making math mistakes on my plans that I submit to governments. Ya know it is not really that big of a deal.

    Although you do not have a therapist to tell you, you are dong very very good work and going very very fast. I still think you need that kayak.

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  4. jeffssong says:

    🙂 We don’t spend change, either – not normally (tho’ I am guilty of handing some quarters and change to a small child at the cash register). $1.01? We give the cashier $2 – and the rest either goes into a jar, or the console of my car (for emergencies). Always keep a few quarters in there – just in case we gotta make a call (cell phone lost). Been doing this since we were teens. Like you, end up with a few hundred dollars by the end of the year.

    Same with bank accounts – we would always round up to the nearest dollar, and we don’t balance our accounts – ever. We used to keep 2 accounts – use one for a year, then put it up and use the other. At the time of the ‘change’ we would simply pick up the last bank balance of the one we were about to use from the bank’s register and assume the printed balance to be the amount available, which would always be a few hundred dollars more than we had estimated due to the rounding up to the nearest dollar. Works like the change thing, and we hate the process of really balancing a checkbook – so we don’t. Works out to our benefit as long as the bank doesn’t make a mistake: built in bounce protection – always more in there than what we know, and since we don’t know how much ‘extra’ we’ve put in there due to the round up errors, we aren’t tempted to spend it. It doesn’t exist until the bank statement comes in – the following year, after we’ve let the account ‘rest’ for a year (allowing old checks and transactions to process through). Works.

    Man, I am really wanting that kayak – now’s the time to buy with the weather getting colder (reduced demand for water sporting items). May wait until the Christmas sales begin. Wish I had a partner to go out during the weekends for island hopping and camping, but part of that is Matthew’s plan – he wants someone to ‘go with’ – meaning more than ‘just friends’. (Wry grimace. Yeah, he’s gay – more gay than bisexual, which we are fine with – but we’re a married host and we gave up ‘that’ part of us/our existence up a long time ago.) So maybe just me and the fish would be fine, LOL!!! (Certainly would keep things a hell of a lot less complicated – but as far as Matthew is concerned, very very very lonely being – no one ‘outside’ for him to ‘relate to’.) Always fun having such alternative alters wanting an alternative lifestyle, BTW & LO wry L’s. This is something I think we are going to have to figure out (Matthew says “real soon”.) Why? I dunno. All I know is that it is a growing issue (by leaps and bounds), and potentially self-destructive/harmful. We’ll see, gonna have to ‘blog’ on it. But that kayaking . . . even during the winter it would be good out on the big lake.

    You have fun – must be colder than a witch’s titty stuck up some miner’s butt – and hopefully that new heated suit is doing the job for you. Glad the SADD light is helping (from what I can tell). Maybe this winter won’t be quite as bad as you fear – and hopefully the fearing it won’t lead to what some call a “self-fullfilling prophecy”, since expectations can sometimes lead to realizations based upon those expectations – whereas a more hopeful look might lead towards the same.

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  5. Michael says:

    I have talked to many people since you and I started writing back and forth. about the kayak. What I have found is the most important thing is that it is easy to transport. Everything else is minor for the most part. This is because of the rotomolded plastic which allows a shape that works. People who buy an inexpensive package with vest and paddle have just as much fun. A word of caution if it is cold and you do not have a skirt than it is uncomfortable as your legs get wet. In the summer it does not matter and the water just evaporates.

    Seems to me likely Mathew can work it out if you can get out of his way., Not saying it is not complicated. Not saying I understand.

    The sef-fulfilling prophecy concept does have merit. It not a concept that should be applied in this case. It is often used as an explanation in lieu of understanding. This is about how our body reacts to the sun. In a real way understanding it takes some of the angst away. Mind over matter is not going to change the way our body physically is.

    Damn did not think of the rounding up thing. I just round off to the nearest 10th of a dollar. I do the two checking accounts thing instead of balancing the check book. Think how much time I have saved. I still use cash for the most part. I added a third account for ordering things on line. There is only the amount in there that I spend. I switch accounts every 6 months. I put the ATM card away so I do not make a mistake. With the using cash I can pick up bank mistakes.

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  6. jeffssong says:

    Ease of transport is a big thing, seeing as we have a Mustang convertible – or we can borrow our MIL’s old truck: a short bed rice burner. Scrapes and dings are okay on the MIL’s truck since it was an old farm truck from the get-go. And so is the ability to get out and hump it over some log (we’ve done that in the swamps; get out ‘midstream’ (or marsh channel) – with cottonmouths and copperheads all around (floating islands, too) – to stand, balanced on some log, afraid to fall in – tho’ intellectually we know the snakes would run, cottonmouths are inquisitive snakes and will come back to see what fell in – and then there are the mating balls – instant (okay, not instant – you will suffer horribly, quickly, and THEN die) – death if you fall in . . .

    So a light, easy to transport unit: yeah – that’s key. Especially when we get into the swamps, LOL!

    We used to keep a Paypal account for online (and real life) transactions, but quit eBay after eBay changed it policies and started screwing the sellers (and allowing the buyers to screw them, too, without punishment and with impunity) – as a result of which we’ve got about $10-$30K tied up in ‘inventory’ (industrial supply, antiques, what nots). And we keep a savings account.

    BUT . . . and here’s the thing: when we got locked up in the mental museum, our wife closed all our accounts (they were joint accounts) and reopened them in her name.

    Now I am “no account”, LOL. Really and truly. It was done for a number of reasons, but still sucks. Main reason was I was locked up in a mental institution (invol) – so … away the money went. I had to agree: protecting my assets – but it still sucks. Now I have to run mainly on cash – using my wife’s ATM card when necessary – can’t cash my own checks (SSDI, VA) – and if I wanna write a check, I’m gonna have to forge one – in my wife’s name.

    LOL, “protective custody”. Did ja ever notice: when they say you are crazy (1013) – you must “prove” to them you are sane?? Not like a criminal law, where you are innocent until proven guilty. It’s the other way around. And you have NO rights … (sigh, bitching again. Gonna have to write a blog on it … again. LOL).

    The problem isn’t ‘us’ or ‘me’ in the way: that’s been the problem all along, dude. It’s Matthew. He (he wants to type – NO, I have it MATTHEW, jeezzzz) …. okay: here’s the deal. Matthew HATES violent emotion of any type, including love and rage – though rage is fine by him okay sometimes. And THAT’s why he doesn’t want to let anyone ‘come through’ – cuz’ if it does, it’s gonna hurt him. (yup, that’s true <- "me", addressing him) . .. . LOL, as you can see, we are doing 'therapy' online, right here and there. And this "13" dude – he's a hard hand to handle, we/you know?? So … yeah, thinking "T" again: meaning therapy. (sigh). Never did any good before….(okay, enuff – see Michael, see how "we" are arguing? Soft and with consideration and love – but it's hard. As you well know I think.)

    If you liked the way we handle our checking, you should see how we do our taxes. Actually make some money off of them. It just takes self-discipline, especially when things go bad. You can ask if you wish to know; otherwise …

    Have fun; have a good swim if you can, and one again, glad the SADD light is of benefit. Doesn't matter if you don't use it "normally" – you can hang upside down like a bat in your oven and turn it on for all I care – as long as it is doing you some good and all. We'd like you to have a good winter – good all the time, actually – but that's just the way we are.

    Until later.
    us and crew

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