Action, Reaction: “You’re Nuts”

I don’t know how many times I’ve gotten into trouble for having the “wrong” reaction; that is to say I have gotten into some VERY serious trouble sometimes simply because I don’t react the same as a normal man.

I was once listed as a crime suspect after being robbed while working at a gas station) – because of my reaction.  When the cops pulled up (after about an hour), I was washing my car.  I guess that’s not a ‘normal’ reaction after getting robbed – but it was for me.  After all: my car needed washed, and there was nothing better to do while I waited for the cops to show up.  Right?

And then I find I am a suspect, though not the one they wanted.  (They had in mind a different man – Detective Beard kept pointing at his picture and asking “Is he the one?” – and despite the fact we told him “no” at least a half dozen times, the man was charged with the crime and found guilty – though we were never asked to court . . . Southern law and things . . .)

As one cop told the detective: “If someone had been pointing a gun at me, I’d of crapped my pants.”
Well, fact is, that was HIM and this is ME, and my reactions aren’t the same.  Never have been, never will be.  My ‘associations’ are different (due to being sorely abused in the past).  And the fact is: I’ve had guns pointed at me so many times it doesn’t make any difference to me.  A gun is a gun, and in this instance (a robbery), the gun was small caliber, rusty as hell, probably wouldn’t have worked, and had the robber pulled the trigger, it probably would have blown up in his hand.  Plus,  – I had also recently graduated from the Marine Corps.  Having guns around (even pointed at me) – was old news.  Old news indeed.

Loud noises.  Most people jump at them.  I don’t.  I learned early on: don’t jump.  Then they’ll find out where you are – or worse, they’ll shoot or hit you when they had been intending on missing.  Nothing like ducking into a bullet I’d say.  And having faced explosions and nightmares (you don’t wanna know) – guns going off in my ear – I’m kinda innoculous when it comes down to loud noises.  After all: if you hear the noise, you ain’t dead, and it ain’t the noise that is gonna kill you.  It’s whoever (or whatever) is making the noise – not the noise itself.  (Kinda like abuse therapy: the feelings won’t kill you – but the past sometimes can, making you wanting to kill yourself.  That’s not a good thing.  But the thing to remember is that the “noise” of feeling and emotion – that’s not going to kill you.  It’s your reaction to it that cares – and counts – since if you can’t learn to accept it, you might just end up doing yourself in, or punishing your own self for “feeling” what you feel about the things you felt and know.  I know we have – time and time again, damaging our self in some way.

When I took martial arts (informally, ranging from 13-17; much more formally since then) – “they” found I had a problem.  I couldn’t stay still.  I couldn’t just stand there and let someone hit me.  I’d always blocking the blow.  I couldn’t make myself “not” block it.  Every time.  Once they even taped my arms down along my sides trying to keep them still.  When the blow came I ripped them away, blocking before it landed.

I don’t “do” pain the same as other folks.  I usually grin and laugh.  Or look down and go “Oh well.  I’m leaking again,” in a absentminded voice (because I am “going away” and “zoning down” the pain to a point to where I can still bear it and get on with the job, whatever that ‘job’ may be . . . thanks to my ‘training’ as a young child a long long time ago . . .)

When my father told us he and my mother were getting divorced (this when I was 15 or so) – I laughed – a big ol’ belly hearted laugh.
I suppose I was supposed to be mad, like my brother was – because of my laughing.

When the barn roof blew off one day, I turned to my wife smiling and said: “Now! – We’re getting a new roof.”  Courtesy of the insurance company.  Got a new one on the house, too, that way . . . a hail storm came along, I went out, inspected the damage – and smiled….

I forgive too easily, apparently.  Trusting, too – too much so, some times.  Untrusting at others (inappropriately, it seems).  And loving – lets not even go there.  My daughter says I’m the only one she knows (“in the world” – her own words, not mine) who can  unconditionally.  I don’t give ‘punishments’ or get “revenge’.  I teach instead.  Sometimes I have to use hard cold methods to do so – but I teach lessons in life – sometimes to my friends, some of which have been liars and thieves.  And yet they are ‘my friends’ – I can get along with them well indeed.  Even people who have “ripped me off”.  This is something my wife and others don’t understand: my ability to do this thing.  And yet . . . it comes natural.  I know where their weaknesses lay, and take care not to tempt them with temptations they cannot ignore . . . unless (perhaps) – it is to serve a ‘lesson’ in their life . . .

Abnormal indeed (I reckon).  By “today’s” standards.  By anyone’s standards.  But it’s just the way I am.

I always see some “weird” side in the news – some effect unforeseen – and my wife and daughter have gotten quite tired of my predictive nature, meaning I can often predict what is coming next . . . in “True TV” and Reality shows – as well as in more ‘formal events’, such as politics and military things, or how people will sway and react to some thing (while always maintaining a shadow of doubt, since nothing ever goes fine – and nothing is perfect in nature, especially ME, LOL!)

But what gets me – and I see this happening more and more in our society today – people are judged upon their reactions – and if you don’t “react” in a proper way – they are going to lock you up.  Either in a mental institution (“you aren’t like us!”) – or in a cell (you screwed up).

A good “for instance”: someone near to us dies.  Do we cry and wail and tear at ourselves??
No.  We never have and never did.  Inside we grieve – but we never ‘let it out’ (or at least not where anyone can see).  We keep a formal, serious calm: “just the facts, ma’am” kind of approach.  Especially in emergencies and when things go wrong.  That’s just like us . . . and apparently NOT the ‘normal’ thing to do – and so when we do it (“dissociate”) – people think there’s something wrong with us and we oughta be locked up . . . we are ‘guilty’ because we don’t act ‘the same’ as THEY would – because we ARE different from “them” – and so the police officer comes and escorts us off . . . for being “too sane” – in an insane situation.  Go figure . . . it hurts, this one really hurts – being punished for what we are (which is a “DID” being).

I watch this every day: crime investigators relying on “normal” reactions to judge their victims (or suspects. Or defendents.)  Saying  “if he doesn’t show fear, then he’s abnormal – there’s something wrong – he’s either lying, or he did it.”

Fact is – we have no ‘fear’.  That thing got burned out of us a long, long time ago.  About when we were five years old.  Literally burnt out – light that candle up on one end and burn it down the middle – that’s what our mom and dad did for us (but mostly our mom) – inducing such a soul-rendering fear in us that it quite literally “shattered us” (mentally) for a long time to come.  (According to the psychiatrists, that’ll the the day I die.)

But it ain’t right to use someone’s “normal” reaction to events to judge US.  After all, “we” aren’t normal in any way – not by society’s standards – though we function quite well (better than most of “them”, them being the average human being) – and we are “wonderful” in an emergency (which makes sense – after all, what’s an ’emergency’ when you lived the first decade and a half in “emergency” situations, lockdowns, lockups, and were beaten black and blue?  After you’ve been awaken with a gun to your head and someone screaming they are going to kill you – after about the twentyth time – don’t you think your reactions might not be the same as “other people”???  Do you think a body AND a mind can live in perpetual, total fear / panic / rage – ALL the time???  No – you adjust to things . . .

Especially when those things seem “normal” – after all, they were a part of our existence for so long! – the fear, the terror, the desire to be loved; the craving for some kind of acceptance by our own parents??   A life where we lived and everything we did wasn’t all “F’d up” as our parents say?  After all, we can do nothing ‘good’ – just ask them – for that’s the way it was when we were a small child – nothing was good enough, and mistakes were common – and ‘they’ or ‘it’ was always our fault in some small way – or more commonly, a large one: purely our fault and things.  And then we’d get beaten.  Beaten to a pulp.  Can you say “animal”, folks?  We’ve become that sort of thing sometimes, back in ‘the day’ – when we were getting beaten so bad we nearly lost our mind*.

It’s a frustrating thing, this “being different” and all.  It can be kinda hard and definitely lonely when you are the ‘only one around’ who thinks like you do . . . is so ‘insane’ . . . that they love people when they should (by society’s definition) be hating them; forgiving and being kind . . . and yet being able to turn around and “teach them a lesson” (sometimes viciously) – and yet . . .

loving them nonetheless, even while you are doing it (and it makes us sad) . . .

Oh well I guess if that’s insanity, then that’ insanity must be mine – can’t change it if I would, and wouldn’t if I could.

Life’s a “B” and sometimes me, and lets just be happy all around . . . and instead of condemning, learn to see – because the person you are condemning . . .

might just be me.

 

 

(* Actually, we DID lose it, in that we had gone “D.I.D” (dissociative identity diagnosis) – a long long time ago – apparently when we were three and four years old.  You don’t get that without ‘something’ going on – look it up – since it takes a young mind to break in that sort of fashion . . .)

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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5 Responses to Action, Reaction: “You’re Nuts”

  1. Michael says:

    i don’t like threats. Gets my adrenaline going and it has no where to go. Danger is fine.

    A classic. I am in an ambulance after crashing through he guardrail and gong into a river. Ambulance attendant says. “I just dragged up out of a river and you heart beat is slower and your blood pressure is lower than mine is all the time”

    Now when I had to pay some state hack to fix the guardrail that got my blood pressure up.

    I don’t have a lot of fear. Mostly I fear someone will make a mistake and I will kill them.

    You might like to use this line when people start talking trash. “I abhor violence. So much so I am willing to kill you to prevent it. Your call.”

    If someone threatens my property I say “That is unfortunate. Now no matter what happens I am going to hold you responsible.

    Another one is. “Good news is I have no assault charges in the last three years so that will not be an issue.” That is one of my favorites. I have never had any assault charges. Still true isn’t it.

    Realty is those that have killed to not threaten. It is not a nice thing.

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  2. Michael says:

    I was in a rush and did not read what was in italics.

    Although I do not dissociate it is my understanding that multiplicity will not happen unless there is life threatening trauma before a person is verbal. That is what prevents the brain from developing in a way it would with out the trauma.

    Although commonly seen as trauma caused by others and in most cases will be I accept that it is possible that a person could experience trauma to the body that is not caused by others with the intent to harm. Such as a baby that has to fight for their life due to being born premature.

    The focus on healing from trauma is emotional or in some cases ignoring the emotional and trying to change the cognate reasoning which is appropriate for a person who had to fight for their life pre-verbal.

    8 years ago the common perception was that DID would not exist unless the person experienced trauma before age 9. It has dropped over the years and I expect this to continue.

    I do not expect that DID and multiplicity to be separated rather as the understanding how to treat trauma with psychoanalysis and expressive therapy is seen as successful the focus will be that it does not matter and the way to heal is to process. I do not expect this to go mainstream any time soon as there are many obstacles.

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  3. jeffssong says:

    Hi Michael,
    I don’t “do” threats, either. Never make them – never say “I’m gonna whoop your ass” – because we won’t. We quit fighting after the Marine Corps. Fact is, we won’t fight; don’t fight. We just kill the person opposing us. Too much training along that line; what can I say. The bad/sad part is that we don’t always have control over it (as we found a long time ago). When we flip/switch – that’s it. Games done before it arrived. And never have been arrested – period. For anything. Ever. We obey most laws; do what is ‘right’ – a ‘responsible, productive citizen’ in other words. For that we’ve been punished as well.

    DID: A mixed bag. From what I’ve read it covers many ‘disorders’ or ‘diagnoses’. We are not as ‘multiple’ as you (I think) – somewhat more ‘well formed’ or ‘well defined’; our ‘system’ gets along okay sometimes (despite the missing pieces). I have little doubt we were almost killed ‘preverbal’ based upon my parent’s behaviors and stories. If what they did to us when we were little counts, then what they might have done prior to me “remembering” probably holds to the pattern – memories of them ‘trying’ to kill us when we were three and four. (Just a few times – or at least just a few that “I” or any of us inside can ‘remember’; though the ‘toddler’ … yeah, there was terror back in then as well.)

    However, this post is about the results of the abuse: the effect. How it made us ‘abnormal’ in terms of our reactions – we don’t (as you probably don’t) react in the same way as an “unabused” person – a ‘normal’ person.

    We handle ourselves differently than other DID patients in some ways – and are similar in some ways (for instance we’ve found that most DID folks say “3 on top” or “3 present” is their “maximum” for most times). We don’t have the amnesic episodes many DID do have – though we have ‘timeslipped’ a time or two – have lost days, weeks, months – only to ‘recover’ or ‘remember’ them later – a matter of communication between “selves”. Effective communication between ‘selves’ has always been somewhat key to our survival – you gotta know what you did yesterday in order to avoid trouble tomorrow – but on the other hand, lack of effective communication (and involuntary switching) has led to other problems resembling basic forgetfulness, misplacing things – stopping in the middle of what we are doing and going on to another task – ‘forgetting’ what we were doing in the first place, etc. ad nauseum.

    As you (and the pro’s) say: stress can contribute to ‘separation’ of selves – as the ‘selves’ separate in order to protect someone, inhibit emotions, and survive. Emotions are a bad thing in an emergency – so we ‘get rid’ of them. Being put into a brand new environment brings out our ‘younger selves’ – intensely curious beings who study and learn as much as they can about the world around them in order to survive. (smile – “we” are making progress in that we have identified some of those elements as belonging to one we (or he) calls “13” or (as a whole, for ‘he’ seems to be three as well) – ‘he’ keeps calling that conglomeration “Jeremy”. We are still figuring that one out.

    Anyway: not a good day for us: we woke up in a rage. Still going. Against our doctor. Cuz’ we gotta see him today – and nobody wants to. Time to change docs I’m thinking. Made the wife cry today … not a good thing. But it gives us hints as to her triggers . . . something to do with me, and what “they” (the medical community) did to us; how they hurt us. Real bad thing . . . no help – so…gotta gun? LOL! We do. (Many, actually – about 20). Not that we’re gonna use them. But a part of us sure wants to (two parts, actually). Not that we will. But this rage has got to go: it is unacceptable – which means we must end our 25 year plus association with our doctor and find a new one. But boy – do we want to rip that old doctor of ours a new asshole – for he certainly needs one – and drop his wife right in (since she’s the one who ‘cheated’ by impersonating my wife over the phone to the authorities in order to have me ‘picked up’ on a 1013 – using invalid and illegal procedures to have it done – NOT RIGHT! Not right at ALL. And we’re madder than hell about that thing.)

    time to go hunting, LOL. See my friend in the woods; drop a couple dozen rounds. Might help us out with our rage issues somewhat . . . until we can get out of here.

    Until later.
    Michael

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  4. jeffssong says:

    Gee we forgot. We always forget, Michael.
    We were (according to our mom) born dying in a Germany hospital where I stayed for 30 days. During this time I “disappeared” – they could not find me for several days. Supposedly I was dying of bronchitis. This was 15 years after the end of WWII, the Germans were still rebuilding their nation; there were still quite a few pissed off ones right there; my father and mother were a military couple; the German hospital just happened to be the closest one in the area (small shhh-shhh! base … suspected of harboring tactical nukes during the big One (cold war)) … who knows: maybe the nurses decided I needed some fresh air out of the window – German winters are cold – or something like that; then father refused to have anything to do with me for the first 6 weeks (I was supposed to be a girl, not a boy) and thus ignored me for a very long time (except to discipline, punish, sadistically torture – and play as well. He was an ‘okay’ dad despite being a closet sadist and F’ing up the family sometimes) … and my mom’s favorite method for silencing a crying baby was to shove a rag in its mouth – down its throat if necessary to keep “that damn brat QUIET!” … yeah … might of been some preverbal issues in there I think, even if I can’t really remember them . . . oh well.

    Until later dude. (put me into a solemn mood all of a sudden, LO sort not L’ing anymore.)

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  5. Michael says:

    There are some therapists that would have some understanding about the first months of your life. This is not a well come in sit down and this is what we are going to do thing., They are gifted. It has a huge huge effect those first days. Very much fighting for your life from the get go.

    Psychoanalysis and expressive therapy can make a huge difference. I am not pushing it just stating it can as few people know it can help with experiences at a young age. It is a long term thing and now idea how long.

    MKULTRA started at birth for some of us.

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