Random: 20242011:1929

Just so you don’t think ‘this’ is all we do:

Last week: Killed a ‘coon.  By hand.  This is a vicious animal: raccoons.  Sure, they’re cute and cuddly – but not in the wild.  I had my first experience with raccoons in the army animal labs.  This one raccoon – we were transferring him from one cage to another – bit the stick so hard it broke it in two.  So we got a metal rod.  It bit down on that so hard its teeth shattered, and white flecks flew in all directions . . .
Case Two: Raccoon.  Caught one in a live trap (was getting into the barn).  Whereas most animals will retreat from you – go to the back of a trap – the raccoon rushes forward, furiously growling and reaching out with its paws for you – trying to grab you and take a bite . . .
Case Three: Same raccoon.  Stop by the neighbor’s on my way to do the wild release (sometimes a dangerous thing to do with raccoons – they’ll swing outta that trap and bite you instead of running foreward) . . . feel something plucking at my leg.  Its the raccoon, trying to drag me – or the cage – closer so that he can bite me.
Fact Three: Sometimes raccoons have rabies.  I had my rabies shots when I was five.  I don’t want to do it again.
Fact Four: This raccoon I killed last week was one my dogs had injured.  They had broken its back down by the hindquarters, and it was a juvenile one to boot.  Had it been a “real” raccoon – a full grown adult – those dogs would have been bitten, and bitten badly.  Raccoons have been known to drown dogs – lead them into water, then grab them by their ears (just the raccoon looking for high land, I’m sure!) – and drown them.  But being as his back was broke . . .

we ‘dissociated’ (putting “Mikie” there in his safe place; going to the teenager, asking him that this thing be done; M3 supervising the operation, and the 4th one, (soldier being?) taking the raccoon up by the tail and smashing in his head (on concrete) . . . because the deed must be done.  Poor raccoon was suffering, and the dogs were ‘on him’, meaning biting at the poor thing . . . so it’s misery and mercy to me . . .

Had a “Pumpkin Party” last week – last Sunday, if I recall.  The fifteenth.  It’s our second annual, created and sponsored by my daughter, taking place at my place.  It’s not for kids (though they can come).  We furnish a pumpkin to each guest, and then everyone gets to carving.  We carved a witch this time.  Last year it was a bat.  We are learning a LOT about carving pumpkins – how to carve them, preserve them, make them last.  Bleach spray goes a long way towards everything.  And so does watering them (our experiment for this year).  And rubbing them – especially the thin cut areas – with vasoline keeps the moisture in; keeps them from drying . . . then ‘shrinking’ . . . and collapsing as well.  Good deal.  Everyone had fun, including us.

We used to throw great big Halloween parties – big fancy ones with everyone dressed up (we always dress as Satan, since that is part of what we are) – and had huge times, special events – projection TV (horror films) on the front of the barn (20 foot wide and cuz’ we own an old school LCD unit) – gunpowder in the fire (makes big “poofs” of smoke; plenty of sparks – safe, tho’.  Trust me: we’re a scientist as well) . . . lots of things.

But that quit now.  Not too many friends anymore.  Very few – they are busy in their own lives.  Part of that is my wife’s doing, part of mine.  Being disabled, I don’t get out much anymore – costs money, ya know! – and having no job, there is no kind of “social life” to speak of – not in today’s society where everyone goes to work from 8 till 10 . . .

Did ja notice more companies are into selling you AIR??  This “whipped” and “fluffed” – they should cut the prices since they are selling you less product – but can you beleive people are actually falling for this one???  Paying MORE for AIR??  As in chocolate, pudding – everything – all the food manufacturer’s are jumping on THIS bandwagon: selling the customers air – making them even demand it! – at a higher price, too.  Less product, more money . . . what a way to make a profit!  What a gullible public you all are . . . if you are putting your money into buying air . . . just because they say it’s good….. (for them maybe.  Want ME to sell you a few liters??  Just send me a hundred dollars . . . and I’ll send you a bottle full of air.  We’re calling it “Coke Lite” here … just so you know ….)

We had a barn painting ‘party’ – that is, we hired a man and his 2 kids to paint our barn.  Its two stories high and about 30 feet wide (one section) plus another 12 ft. x 40 ft . . . this is the second time we’ve had them out (they helped on the pond retention wall – and one of them painted).  Thus far it’s cost us $240 plus the cost of paint, which is high – however, we don’t mind paying them and we determine the pay scale.  Fed them too, one day.  See, this is an old friend of mine and he’s father to two basically motherless kids (teenage daughters, no less) – and as poor as a church rat.  Living day-to-day hand-to-mouth.  So I figured they could use a little bit of money – and the barn’s needed painted for a long time.  Plus, this guy’s a psychologist to me; a ‘good therapy’ person: he’s smart (I consider him much smarter than me, just not as well trained in all the areas I’m trained in) – holds a psychology degree (though he’s never pursued it) – and has helped me see a lot of things about my trip to Puerto Rico (most useful of which was: “if you go looking for coincidences – you will start finding them – even though they may not even be there – or may just BE coincidences, and not some conspiracy plot.”  This is the guy who introduced me to my bride, so I gotta give him some room and respect, right?  Good deal.  But at the same time he is liberal (or open) minded enough to look at what happened with an uncritical eye and say, “Yeah.  Something happened – that much is for sure.  And it smells suspiciously fishy – like someone’s messing with you . . . but the fact remains: you’ll probably never know for certain exactly what was going on – whether it was part of some conspiracy, some cult type of thing; this MKULTRA sort of thing – or just a hallucination.  You’ve gotta learn to live with that.”  And that’s a tough rock to handle folks.  Trust me – it really is.  How would YOU like to go through your life knowing you’ll never really know what happened – and find yourself questioning what was real and not . . . and what about all those “coincidences” and “signs” we saw and followed??  Certainly seemed much too real to be ‘unreal’ . . . we’ve had our experience with ‘false memories’ and hallucinations before (the latter being drug induced through LSD) – but what about this???  It certainly seemed to be real – and facing facts, we got out of Puerto Rico “on our own” – by hand and on foot, which is (from what I understand) – and taking 3 days – unheard of in that country.  You just don’t go walking around like that . . .

So maybe I am crazy.  (shrugging).  Oh well.  What fun; what an adventure it seems to be . . . though sometimes it makes me mad (as in being crazy) . . . not knowing for sure how crazy I am . . . compared to all of “you”.

We haven’t eaten since 8:30 pm Friday nite.  We started eating again this morning at approximately 11 am.  We are still not very hungry.  Once we go a certain time without food (about 3 days) we are no longer hungry.  It is a defense reflex we built up against hunger …. maybe did it as a small child???  I know it was priceless when we were poor . . . going hungry for days, weeks even.

We are down to 158 pounds.  That is approximately 20 pounds below our registered (normal) weight.  We don’t know why the weight loss.  But it is good.  We view food as “the enemy sometimes”.  We are six foot high.

We’ve had to go 10 days with NO painkillers so we could have a buttscope today.  Now they say we have to go 10 MORE days with no painkillers.  That’s a killer.  We are in 7-8 range of pain (mostly lower back/hip, right hand shoulder blade, and the center bad vertebra in our back from attacking that machine gun one night while in the Marines … it HURTS) – but been putting up with pain for 27 years; what’s one more day??  But it feels like someone is driving a nail through the nerve in my shoulderblade . . . and that mid-back thing: you ever have “running stitches”???  You know that pain you get from running sometimes – the one that doubles you over???

Imagine having that one going on for days on end.  Months and weeks even.  Sometimes . . . it feels like forever.

It’s our response to pain we can’t block anymore that gets us; especially neural pain: it’s the one which makes us nauseous.  The rest?  Poking cutting scraping?  Not a big problem.  But nausea from nerve pain really sucks sometimes . . . puts the “DIS” in “Disabled” .  . .

Kinda wonder if beer is what they meant by “clear liquid diet”.

Still mad at our doctor; general GP.  His wife betrayed us; committed something illegal.  We are mad as hell at him . . . but (sigh, makes me SICK!) – are still going to him.  After all, he’s got our records from the last 24 years . . .

We are going to sue him, sooner or later.  Had to figure out the right legal language and find precedents (Cases) online to figure it out.

In RIDGEVIEW INSTITUTE INC v. HANDLEY The findings of the GA Court of Appeals, “Thus, this Court has established the rule that “[w]here one is taken into custody pursuant to a procedurally valid certificate of a physician authorizing involuntary mental treatment . . .” would seem to give credence to the idea that the 1013 I was subjected to would NOT be illegal; however, IF THE 1013 PROCEDURE WAS INVALID – which it was, to wit: someone impersonated my wife in order to meet the conditions of the 1013 (2 people needed: physician and a ‘witness’) – AND the reasons given on the 1013 for involentary commitment are not only invalid, but go against every other written statement (e.g. “He posed no threat”, “He expressed no threat”) – and there it is ON the 1013 that “The client has recently expressed threats towards himself or others. (Example): “Bought guns.”) – which, by the way, is an American right if I recall . . .

But the big one is someone impersonating my wife . . . and THEN the medical facilities confusing it in the records and saying it was my DAUGHTER (later on) . . . and then the cops never filling out the second half of the 1013 (a sheet which says they picked so-and-so up at such-and-such a time and they behaved ‘this way’ . . .) . . . the list just goes on.

And then catching my doctor lying to me not just once, but THREE SEPARATE TIMES . . . to protect himself, his practice, and his wife (good reasons, but he shouldn’t have allowed the reason to protect them to exist in the first place . . . allowing his wife to DO this on ‘the side’ – with or without his knowledge, apparently . . ) . . .

I’ll be seeing him on Wed.  With any luck, it’ll be my last visit to him.  Because I’m gonna steal my records (after all: they are MINE – I paid for them, every last page of that 500 page “book”) – and get out, find a new doctor and move on . . .

and then I’m gonna sue him.

Not revenge so much as teaching him a lesson – his wife a lesson.
Don’t overstep your bounds.  And don’t ‘step’ on my boundaries.  Not like that.  Fair and legal all the way – or no way at all.
It’s time someone learned that.  And how not to lie.

Until later . . . more things “this week”, including my GP Dr. visit, take old man to VA for PT (I hate doing things for him; I HATE him sometimes …. grrrr) … my brother and I have been corresponding on ‘our issues’ – he just wants to forget and be “calm” (that’s the best he can get) – we haven’t told him about the DID thing . . .

Should we tell him???  (Audience?  We are asking?  Would YOU want to know your brother was abused to the point of breaking his mind at an early age . . . forming multiple ‘personalities’?)  Should we try to pressure / pry / goad him into remembering more?  (He denies remembering much … he was a drunk for a long time during teen days . . . but he has cued us in before on things . . . some of his quotes giving me shivers down my spine: “I could hear you scream and scream and scream” (from the next room) “until you would stop screaming . . . didn’t scream no more.” . . . and (shudder) – okay, we’ll ‘forget’ the spoon thing for right now .. …

But I’m wondering: if your brother, whom you always felt was somewhat normal (while being somewhat ‘strange’) – was “DID/MPD” – would you really want to know?  When you have suffered the abuse yourself?  When you are trying to ‘forget it all’ and put it behind you?  Trying to live another, better, ‘normal’ life – while having to fight to overcome what they did to YOU??  Would YOU want to know – to have this extra ‘burden’??

Inquiring minds want to know.  Meaning me and mine and ours.  So if you have an answer and/or an insight . . . we’d really like to know.  Get tired sometimes of engaging in ‘non-normal human behavior’.  It’d be nice to get it right sometime.  Wanna help a guy out? Lend a hand?  Then feel free to leave your input.  I will understand . . .

until later,

Matthew and “beings” and a lonely brother
who happens to be somewhat confused
as to what to do.


About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
This entry was posted in Mental Health Professionals, social issues. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Random: 20242011:1929

  1. Michael says:

    You are incorrect that the records are yours. It is your Dr.’s intellectual property and if you take them it is theft.


  2. Michael says:

    I failed to answer about what you brother wants. I do not know.

    Perhaps it is about what you want? I have no idea what your reaction of you brother would be. The typical response is not positive.

    I would not at this point want to listen to my siblings if they wanted to speak to me about trauma they experienced. Not my responsibility. I would speak to them about choosing a therapist. This is kinda a trick as they likely would not accept and I could be comfortable with letting them find their own way.

    Although not as severe as mine I would say that all my siblings experience PTSD. They can handle it anyway they want as far as I am concerned. Actually that goes for anyone who does not really attempt to do the work.


  3. jeffssong says:

    The way I see it, I paid for those studies, those reports, that PAPER – thousands and thousands of dollars – and so it is mine. Screw the law on this one. We will take the records if we can. And if the doc calls we are denying it. He lied to us (3x) – so we can and will lie to him: often and frequently. They have ‘misplaced’ my records before. I guess they can ‘misplace them’ again – permanently. Into my hands. Screw that fat bastard and his wife as well. Screw them both. Screw them to hell and back.

    My brother: therein is a difficult issue. What HE wants is to be happy, just like anyone else. But like me, his reactions are not fitting for his position (high level business exec) – his ‘friends’ are all dweebs and rich boys who have not experienced ‘our’ culture – he wants to blend in. And he wants to forget – forget it all, I think. However, his memories are key to mine: he was the one who refreshed some of our memories in his talking when we’ve met person-to-person. This is what I’m looking for; however, he just wants to forget … everything. Everything that ever happened. However, it affects his life today. And as far as therapy: no way, not this man. I don’t think he would because it would be an indication of ‘mental weakness’ – something which was to be preyed upon, scorned, and con-damned by anyone in our family – extremely so. I reckon that’s because our mom was so crazy (and dad, too, in his own way) – that the idea that they might ‘need some help’ would be insane . . . it’s like “the crazier you are, the more you need to hide it” type of philosophy – and so they do.

    However, I wonder if my brother would want to know about me, his only brother . . . that what they had done had driven me ‘insane’ at such an early age – would explain a lot about him and me, his own problem brother sometimes – a hell of a lot. Might help – might hurt, so we’re at a crux as to what to do.

    So the question comes back: if one of your siblings was DID, would YOU want to know? Especially if you weren’t DID and had this sort of training (that the mentally ill are weak and sick and deserve to be shot sort of thing??) On the other hand . . . he has a hugely compassionate heart buried deep down in there somewhere . . . but he worries so much about EVERYTHING – takes it all on as his own responsibility . . .

    Given that, I don’t think we oughta talk to him. 1) he can’t do anything, and 2) it would just worry him, and 3) it would just add to his current load of precious burdens..

    Oh well. Gotta go NOW: time to hit the Dr’s. Grrrr. But we’ll be well and we’ll behave.

    This time, anyway. (sighing …. and ‘shutting off’ our anger and nausea at him) …. until later.


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