DID Detectives :)

I (or “we”) are playing “DID Detectives”.  I know we’ve got a missing person or two in the system.  This wouldn’t seem to mean much – it might even seem a good thing, because face it: who needs more “alternate personalities” to assimilate?  To get along with? That’s an important one right there: getting along.  Alternate personalities (especially those that are aware of each other) have to get along.

Like an online aquaintence once said, “It doesn’t matter who’s paddling the boat as long as everyone is paddling in the same direction.”  Make sense to me.  But what about when you have a couple of missing paddlers?  Men overboard?  Or in this particular situation, a little boy (or boys), and one or two older personalities – one about twenty-one or so, and another at about twenty-three?

Throw out the life rings.  We’ve got men missing in the dark.  How to find them?  How can we know “who” they are, this missing parts of my personality?

Then it came to us.  Prune.  Trim away everything that is NOT those missing parts . . . and see who (or what) is left.  Kinda reminds me of the situation after the Titanic failed – when the rescuers came.  They had to shut off their engines and look around – listening so hard to the sound of silence – wondering what was there.  And we’ve been “looking” and “shouting” so hard – digging in the ol’ memory banks, trying to dig up these things that despite ourselves, perhaps we’ve been drowning someone out.  The noise of our ‘hunt’ is drowning out the cries of the ‘victim’ – this ‘person’ (or persons) whispering in our mind . . . controlling our emotions and throwing errant thoughts in our way (e.g. the old “Why don’t you kill yourself?” and “We want to die.”).  With the accompanying sadness, loneliness and things that they once felt in that era, at that time.

I’m thinking we can do this thing.  We learned a lot of mind tricks along the way.  One which we don’t like to use (it has caused some damage at times) – is ‘self-hypnosis’.  We had to learn self-hypnosis to defend against our dad’s tricks when we were young (about 14, 15).  He was trying to hypnotize us and then burning us with matches or doing other mean things – so we did our best to make ourselves “non-hypnotic” and we did.  Learning to resist and fight HIM (our dad) – which later proved to be less of an asset and more of a liability when we entered therapy – for we had (and he had) ensured: nobody messes with my mind.  Nobody.  Not even ‘us’ sometimes (for we don’t like to).  But recently we learned to do even more over in Puerto Rico . . . learned to shut ourselves down until not only is “no one” left – but no emotion, thought, or thing.  Even words can disappear (and by that I mean the concept of using words at ALL – even in your head).  It’s a difficult trick, and not much fun.

But the trick is to “shut ourselves off” – one at a time – until ‘no one’ is left.  Call it “zoning”, if you will.  Putting everyone “to sleep” – without a thought in their head, or word in their mouth.  Even our little ones.  Everyone . . . on down the line . . . until there’s nobody left but ‘him’ – the missing person (or persons) inside.  Because someone’s gotta run the system.  And apparently they did, or had a good hand in, running ‘the system’ before, in their (our) young age.  And if we’re not ‘present’ – then who’s there?

A process of elimination, so to speak.  Leaving us – and leading us – to those ‘transitional beings’ – the ones that ‘took care of us’ while the new host was developing (the major host, the one who was supposed to be taking over for some years).  Maybe I’m wrong – I’m not sure how this thing works – all I know is there was some hosting going on; the host got messed up – and a new one came along.  And in this particular case (13) – we knew he wouldn’t last for long.  He couldn’t have.  He wasn’t going to BE there that long.  We were only going to BE there for four years, not five or something – definitely not for the rest of our lives – why would we need a permanent host or something there?  This was just for “the time being”.  To get us through.  Until we could ‘build’ or ‘assemble’ another host-like being.

Most of them were given a hand during their development.  This was by someone who was ‘developing’ them.  Whether that was through outside training or inside rearrangements I’m not sure.  How “they” came about – I’m not sure.  There were plenty of emotional, mental and occasionally physical traumatic events going on.  We had to make a lot of adjustments during that period.  And it appears that when we are in a period of making a whole lot of adjustments, “we” (or someone) makes an “alternate” personality to handle things during the transition period – if that makes sense.  And this first one’s duties including guarding the system while the “transition being’s” in place creating the second one – who will be the third person in line, or the “permanent host” for some time.  (We are eyeballing here “Jeffery”, who has been in on this from the very first; from the very start of this blog.  That’s when he showed up and started this whole thing – on behalf of the system (or so he reminds us) – binding our system with love by making us understand ourselves and our inner beings; our faults and everything – and loving everybody in spite of them selves, because of themselves.  That’s quite a nice trick to do – thank you Very Much, Jeffery Thompson (aka Christopher, aka Mikie and our precious one inside).

and I’m smiling, because our little Mikie’s reference to someone called “Christopher” refers to “Winnie the Pooh”.  He had his own favorite little bear at one time . . .

This isn’t something I (or we) can do lightly, this ‘zoning out’ and shutting down.  It’s dangerous for one thing – we cannot respond too readily to any adventure or disaster coming our way.  We are slow to pull “out of there”.  It takes time to bring the ‘others’ and the system online.  And afterwards . . . well, afterwards it’s difficult going as well.

The last time I did this (last night) – I found myself uncontrollably ‘zoning’ and losing myself – it puts us in a damn near catatonic state, to be quite truthful.  Which I go into every once and awhile anyway: a near zombie like state of being – you can pull my hand up and it will stay there, slowly descending . . . it’s weird and not a ‘fun’ state to be in.  There is no ‘mind’ in there – it’s like a huge emptiness . . . a hollow . . .

and you sit and wait inside: listening in the darkness, feeling for this thing, this kid, and ‘his’ missing emotions, thoughts, and things . . . becoming ‘in touch’ with ‘him’.  Softer than a butterfly’s kiss – and just as likely to get damaged if we do something wrong – this goes for the other one, the more ‘adult’ and missing selves of mine.  I don’t really want them: who needs another ‘mess’ around? – but they are part of me that’s missing (which explains some missing ’emotions’ on my part; e.g. “jealousy” – we think we lost that one ‘over there’ while in Europe) – but we don’t know.



About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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3 Responses to DID Detectives :)

  1. p13c35 says:

    Hey There
    you wrote: “He wasn’t going to BE there that long. We were only going to BE there for four years, not five or something – definitely not for the rest of our lives – why would we need a permanent host or something there? This was just for “the time being”. To get us through. Until we could ‘build’ or ‘assemble’ another host-like being.”. we want to thank you for that. we’ve had a similar problem with the host for 17 years now, it was supposed to be a patch to last a month. our T will say “well why doesn’t he/she . . . ?” well, had we known that we were creating someone on a long term basis we would have done things differently. it’s just nice to read a similar feel.


  2. Michael says:

    I often take a piece of paper and write and draw. It is not art. It can be dangerous and I always allow time for sleep afterwards.

    I also go with we did not create any parts just for the hell of it. For us we always end up sooner or later finding out when some came into being and why. It is crazy crazy hard work and exhausting. It also messes up the brain for the now.


  3. jeffssong says:

    Thank you, P13C35. This is our 4th attempt at comment, BTW – a ‘good’ thing, NOT a bad thing, trust me! We’ve been figuring out something here in the ‘comment’ field – where ’13’ came from and perhaps Matthew aka/ “the Machine” (in the beginning of things – of ‘him’; the ’emotionless’ being – a hard object to the world, but not a hard man to get along with . . . and in a way it was the end of “13”, for his parents were getting divorced and there were other bad things going on – both at school and in going home and getting there and everything (sighing right here. We’ve been dipping and switching and zoning a lot now – cuz’ of this weekend. LOL, gonna blog on that. Life called . . . had fun, and had an interesting time at it in the field and things.

    Hi Michael.
    We’ve used art and writing as a form of self-expression since we begun (apparently), going back to 1st grade (I’ve got a 1st grade assignment after I’d seen “Bambi” – and in it I can now see the fear I felt as a child who’s father had gone to war – Vietnam – mirrored in the concern I express about Bambi’s father dying.

    We started ‘officially’ journaling for self-therapy when we were about 21 or so. Due to my dad pretty much forcing me to get an ‘education’ in psychology when he was getting his Masters, I knew journaling could be used for therapy; and it was a good fit for us because we had ‘journaled’ plenty before – just without knowing it. Through poetry, writing, a bunch of other stuff. Got a poem published by a sideshoot of “Time” when I was 13 or 14 which clearly shows my opinion on the threats of nuclear war (bad and a terrible thing). I think they also picked one up on loneliness. Hell, I can pick up stories and a couple ‘novellas’ I did during high school and such which clearly show how dead “I” was inside – they were about the emotional deaths (so to speak) of kids and teenagers through war and such . . . WW3 type of stuff, science fiction . . . no wonder our H.S. Senior English teacher (who was to go on to be school counselor the following year) was so interesting in reading our stuff, LOL!!! That’s how we ‘skated’ through English that year . . .

    LOL, writing as therapy: As you would say: we just ‘discovered’ that about our teenager and the english teacher. That maybe she was also into it from the psychology point of view, though she did encourage our writing and soon had us working for the school newspaper (short stories, fiction – won an award even).

    Well, I want to thank you – realized a LOT just here in this comment (and been at it an hour – you don’t wanna read the ‘writing therapy’ we wrote in this box when we were zoning) . . .
    And thanks for that.
    Between the two of you, you have helped me figure out some things somewhat.


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