I (or “we”) are playing “DID Detectives”. I know we’ve got a missing person or two in the system. This wouldn’t seem to mean much – it might even seem a good thing, because face it: who needs more “alternate personalities” to assimilate? To get along with? That’s an important one right there: getting along. Alternate personalities (especially those that are aware of each other) have to get along.
Like an online aquaintence once said, “It doesn’t matter who’s paddling the boat as long as everyone is paddling in the same direction.” Make sense to me. But what about when you have a couple of missing paddlers? Men overboard? Or in this particular situation, a little boy (or boys), and one or two older personalities – one about twenty-one or so, and another at about twenty-three?
Throw out the life rings. We’ve got men missing in the dark. How to find them? How can we know “who” they are, this missing parts of my personality?
Then it came to us. Prune. Trim away everything that is NOT those missing parts . . . and see who (or what) is left. Kinda reminds me of the situation after the Titanic failed – when the rescuers came. They had to shut off their engines and look around – listening so hard to the sound of silence – wondering what was there. And we’ve been “looking” and “shouting” so hard – digging in the ol’ memory banks, trying to dig up these things that despite ourselves, perhaps we’ve been drowning someone out. The noise of our ‘hunt’ is drowning out the cries of the ‘victim’ – this ‘person’ (or persons) whispering in our mind . . . controlling our emotions and throwing errant thoughts in our way (e.g. the old “Why don’t you kill yourself?” and “We want to die.”). With the accompanying sadness, loneliness and things that they once felt in that era, at that time.
I’m thinking we can do this thing. We learned a lot of mind tricks along the way. One which we don’t like to use (it has caused some damage at times) – is ‘self-hypnosis’. We had to learn self-hypnosis to defend against our dad’s tricks when we were young (about 14, 15). He was trying to hypnotize us and then burning us with matches or doing other mean things – so we did our best to make ourselves “non-hypnotic” and we did. Learning to resist and fight HIM (our dad) – which later proved to be less of an asset and more of a liability when we entered therapy – for we had (and he had) ensured: nobody messes with my mind. Nobody. Not even ‘us’ sometimes (for we don’t like to). But recently we learned to do even more over in Puerto Rico . . . learned to shut ourselves down until not only is “no one” left – but no emotion, thought, or thing. Even words can disappear (and by that I mean the concept of using words at ALL – even in your head). It’s a difficult trick, and not much fun.
But the trick is to “shut ourselves off” – one at a time – until ‘no one’ is left. Call it “zoning”, if you will. Putting everyone “to sleep” – without a thought in their head, or word in their mouth. Even our little ones. Everyone . . . on down the line . . . until there’s nobody left but ‘him’ – the missing person (or persons) inside. Because someone’s gotta run the system. And apparently they did, or had a good hand in, running ‘the system’ before, in their (our) young age. And if we’re not ‘present’ – then who’s there?
A process of elimination, so to speak. Leaving us – and leading us – to those ‘transitional beings’ – the ones that ‘took care of us’ while the new host was developing (the major host, the one who was supposed to be taking over for some years). Maybe I’m wrong – I’m not sure how this thing works – all I know is there was some hosting going on; the host got messed up – and a new one came along. And in this particular case (13) – we knew he wouldn’t last for long. He couldn’t have. He wasn’t going to BE there that long. We were only going to BE there for four years, not five or something – definitely not for the rest of our lives – why would we need a permanent host or something there? This was just for “the time being”. To get us through. Until we could ‘build’ or ‘assemble’ another host-like being.
Most of them were given a hand during their development. This was by someone who was ‘developing’ them. Whether that was through outside training or inside rearrangements I’m not sure. How “they” came about – I’m not sure. There were plenty of emotional, mental and occasionally physical traumatic events going on. We had to make a lot of adjustments during that period. And it appears that when we are in a period of making a whole lot of adjustments, “we” (or someone) makes an “alternate” personality to handle things during the transition period – if that makes sense. And this first one’s duties including guarding the system while the “transition being’s” in place creating the second one – who will be the third person in line, or the “permanent host” for some time. (We are eyeballing here “Jeffery”, who has been in on this from the very first; from the very start of this blog. That’s when he showed up and started this whole thing – on behalf of the system (or so he reminds us) – binding our system with love by making us understand ourselves and our inner beings; our faults and everything – and loving everybody in spite of them selves, because of themselves. That’s quite a nice trick to do – thank you Very Much, Jeffery Thompson (aka Christopher, aka Mikie and our precious one inside).and I’m smiling, because our little Mikie’s reference to someone called “Christopher” refers to “Winnie the Pooh”. He had his own favorite little bear at one time . . .
This isn’t something I (or we) can do lightly, this ‘zoning out’ and shutting down. It’s dangerous for one thing – we cannot respond too readily to any adventure or disaster coming our way. We are slow to pull “out of there”. It takes time to bring the ‘others’ and the system online. And afterwards . . . well, afterwards it’s difficult going as well.
The last time I did this (last night) – I found myself uncontrollably ‘zoning’ and losing myself – it puts us in a damn near catatonic state, to be quite truthful. Which I go into every once and awhile anyway: a near zombie like state of being – you can pull my hand up and it will stay there, slowly descending . . . it’s weird and not a ‘fun’ state to be in. There is no ‘mind’ in there – it’s like a huge emptiness . . . a hollow . . .
and you sit and wait inside: listening in the darkness, feeling for this thing, this kid, and ‘his’ missing emotions, thoughts, and things . . . becoming ‘in touch’ with ‘him’. Softer than a butterfly’s kiss – and just as likely to get damaged if we do something wrong – this goes for the other one, the more ‘adult’ and missing selves of mine. I don’t really want them: who needs another ‘mess’ around? – but they are part of me that’s missing (which explains some missing ’emotions’ on my part; e.g. “jealousy” – we think we lost that one ‘over there’ while in Europe) – but we don’t know.