We Are Having A Little Trouble Today

We are having a little trouble today.  It has to do with our little one Mikie.  He is screaming and things.  It is a very bad time.  It has to do with dogs.  We were attacked by dogs some of the times.  Meaning we were raped by them.

This is bad.

We cannot go on.

This is embarrassing and hurts sometimes.

we were raped by dogs.  we cannot process this thing nor help him vrey much.  it is hard and it hurts inside and our body burns from all the scraches and things it hurt real bad inside

we are having troulbes with this thing and cannot process it very good. cannot do it dont want to go there ever again but we will because i cannot forget it.

it is not a memroy it is very old but we have not forgotten.  HE has not forgotten what it feels like hurting him bad claws and things.  WE know we should help him but we can’t becasue we don’t know what to do about it.

You cannot change the past and there’s nothing good that come outta it.  not this one. not this thing.

it was bad

nuff said.  hurts inside. hurts.

Advertisements

About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
This entry was posted in child abuse survivor. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to We Are Having A Little Trouble Today

  1. p13c35 says:

    jeffsong, Mikie;
    we know. told our main T of a story involving us and dogs, only told him and he said there were others like us out there. at the time, that was little comfort and i really didn’t buy into it, or care. now is different. Mikie, we are so sorry for what you were put thru. we do not know what to say but we don’t know how to be okay with our memory of those times. we forgot until found pics of us with dogs and people around and that day the host split; and has not been able to come together because of the very fact of these animal rapes. we understand only insomuch as children we were done to the same. hey, my main T was right, we ain’t the only one. not that we believed we were, but didn’t think it mattered. but reading your post, the courage to write and post that, a small part of me got lighter. i read “bad claws and things” and said, yes exactly; and i didn’t have to explain it. thank you for sharing.
    jeffsong, thx for the 4th successful attempt at commenting. yours is a brave system.

    Like

  2. Sam Ruck says:

    Jeff,

    Is your wife still trying to help you? She’d be a great help in this instance even if you didn’t tell her everything because Mikie is still in the moment and this is where an outside adult can give a little the comfort the little one so desperately needs. I can’t change what happened to my wife’s little girls but I CAN change the fact when they relive those events they no longer are alone. I emphasize over and over to them when they used to get into panic attacks, “You aren’t alone, Honey. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I love you.” And I stroke their hair and hold them gently and rock them until they feel better.

    I’m so sorry Mikie about that dog. You did nothing wrong or shameful. I’m sorry those claws hurt you. You are a good little boy and nothing that happened to you will change my opinion of you.

    Sam

    Like

  3. jeffssong says:

    It is hard and it is upsetting and it kinda ruined our plans for the day. We are working very hard at getting over it and/or getting it buried right now! (a whole lot of insistence at this thing). Can’t stand that sort of thing; can’t really process it right now, don’t want to sort it out kinda thing.

    We told our T (psychiatrist) that once. She was number 3 or 4 we had seen. She laughed and it seemed like she was mocking us and then she said ‘so what.’. She was kinda a hard kinda T and we gave up on her and she on us, saying we were too resistant to therapy since she had trouble getting past the teenager. She said we were in some kind of a cultish kind of thing; I don’t know and doubt that – unless it was my mom and the “Army cult” of that time (meaning the American military). But we (and the wife thinks so too) think this woman was on some kind of mission; that she didn’t really like adult male survivors, not one and certainly not all, and that she had some issues of her own – perhaps pursuing cult abuse as a result of some history of her own.

    I’m not thinking brave, I’m thinking foolish and sickening and that we really need to get this thing off there (meaning the ‘magic screen’). But we’re gonna leave it on there for a moment and try to forget this moment ever existed.
    That is the safest thing.
    Until later ya’ll.
    system saying ‘bye’ for awhile. Time to go lay down.

    Like

  4. Michael says:

    I was raped many time by animals. It is part of the cult culture.

    I was also attacked by dogs and dogs were used as guard dogs.

    There is often a killing of the animal afterwards. Sometimes buried and then if you go back to see if it was real the dead animal has been moved.

    It is very very hard to deal with. It seems not to effect my daily life anymore. I like animals it is the people that have the animals that are the problem. Sorry your therapist laughed and said so what. Giving him or her the benefit of the doubt perhaps what you head was laughing and mocking as a transference thing and what they were trying to express is it does not make any difference to them.

    Not giving them the benefit of the doubt most therapist can not handle such things and dissociate.

    Like

  5. jeffssong says:

    Funny how this came about – we were writing about our training in “The Lost Journals” Matthew keeps here (at least I think it was there; the events of yesterday are somewhat fuzzy now; almost absent there). And we began writing about the dog training we had. We were into fighting dogs – not by choice, but necessity. We’ve killed them with their bare hands. We’ve bit into their throats, subduing them and things. It got pretty bad. (We were also pitted against teenagers twice our size. We almost always won. Either that or they let us win – building up our confidence and things – but I doubt it. Some of those teenagers truly hated on us for being so young . . . so alive sometimes I reckon. Either that or we were just a nosy kid. Doesn’t matter. Writing about that training (not published yet) brought back the whole thing; the whole ball of wax. And it HURTS in some kinds of ways; we are trying to handle and cope with it right now.

    Part of our problems with this is we let it happen. In some ways that’s worst of all; letting it happen. I don’t remember us ever fighting it, not one little bit, though it hurt like hell (can still – thinking about it – feel those phantom sensations) – as those dog’s claws all dug in. We were happy to give in; happy to give someone pleasure, and into doing what we were told. You didn’t dare do anything otherwise. It might get you hurt. Even more than those claws. I don’t know. Maybe it was something bad.

    Part of the problem is two of my alters – Matthew and the Mikie being. In a way Mikie blames Matthew for not being there to protect him (though it’s not Matthew’s fault. As far as I know he wasn’t even in existence. Or maybe he was, but just as a kernel or germ of himself. Matthew is very much the “Protector” of the system – he is hard and he is very good at protecting himself and ‘others’. And he wants to protect Mikie for this thing – but it’s too late; it already happened. And in a way he blames Mikie for what he did – knowing ‘why’ (the search for some acceptance and some love; a WEAK being in Matthew’s eyes and estimation) – but being unable to ‘hug’ and/or ’embrace him (Mikie) due to this thing when our system needs it the most. We are working on that thing; embracing the two of them together; trying to comfort themselves, ourselves, all selves, and each other. It’s a hard thing to do with several of the pieces missing in my mind.

    And so that’s the problem with the rest of the system. We reacted as any parent would in this thing (Matthew both mortified and horrified that we posted it online); he ‘reacted’ naturally, striking out at ‘us’ and others in the system, including his own self – ‘pushing’ Mikie away and sentencing him to his dark hole (where we are comforting him). Having two hosts in a body is hard – there’s ‘me’, M3, the more adult being, and there’s HIM, Matthew, a hang-over from ex-childhood, and then there’s Mikie, the original host being. (We’ve come a long way in figuring out some of the things; still trying to work on how I’m going to be charting it.)

    And that shrink? She had a problem, man. I definitely think so. Don’t know what it is; but she was cruel some of the times. A very cruel person indeed; however, in some ways she was doing the right thing – trying to spur us onwards. As you know, it takes a very special shrink to deal with these types of folks (the inners, the inner child – and especially “him”, our Public Defender being, LOL! Good name for him.)

    Well . . . as always, good advice, things to think about. We are doing better. It’s just gonna take awhile . . . .you know how it is when a big storm hits the boat. All kinds of driftwood and wreckage everywhere; a little patching to do behind. But we’ll be fine, I’m sure. As always.

    Just another storm to get through . . . ridden out the main wave . . . . and headed for shore, LOL!

    Like

  6. Author has many informative facts, I’ve learned a lot. I’m confused as to why I didn’t add it as a bookmark before because it’s surely a url I want in my daily visit list. Thanks again, keep up the good work

    Like

  7. MG says:

    It truly is impossible to use the word let and rape be in the same sentence. I know I can hear a reaction but we didn’t fight, sometimes the smartest thing to do as a child is just that do it get it over with. Would you really be choosing to be with an animal and both of you being abused if you had other options? Say like options kids had.. to be at a park plating with your friends vs being in the situation with the dog? I bet if you had a “free”choice you would be anywhere but where you were.

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      “It truly is impossible to use the word let and rape be in the same sentence.” Good point! And yes: you were right on the money all along. We much rather would have been playing – doing anything else. The ‘choice’ was stolen by our parents when they taught us to never say ‘no’ to an authority figure, always do what they said needs done; and obey them in any and every way, all the time, no questions asked. And we did it. Fortunately we can understand that ‘little child’ right now – and have been forgiving him for anything and everything always – from the day he was born. 🙂

      Like

Go Ahead. You were thinking . . . ?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s