On Random Posts:
While topical posts are nice, the fact is life isn’t like that – it isn’t written in neat chapters like a “how-to” book. It’s wild and messy and random things happen. “Life Happens” is one of my favorite phrases, replacing “Sh** happens.”. Much better I think. And Life is a learning experience, too. Therefore, while I hate them (random posts and all) – I find they are useful for helping me keep track of things and what’s going on. Plus they can serve as a record when I come back -when did I do what when kind of thing, because having alters, I can forget – which reminds me of how perfectly my memory became after I came home from PR; when ALL of us were ‘on top’ and working perfectly together.
DID and 3
Big subject for me, and from the above (last sentence), I’ve begun to question everything I know about it. Perhaps we were wrong; perhaps having ‘everyone on top’ IS the way to be. It seems to me that is one of the ways to become integrated: if ‘everyone’ can ‘get on top’ (functioning, able, and aware) – then ‘we’ can quite literally “be all WE can be!”. We did it once; over there in Puerto Rico, and then for awhile after we came home. And then it fell apart. But here’s the thing: it was like having magic. There was true synchronicity and almost ‘magical’ happening all around me – things seemed to go just perfect; people were coming and going as if I had scheduled it – one friend or family member pulling in while another was pulling out. The phone would ring just as I would walk by – and it would be for me – and I would know who was calling. Life and events played out like a synchronized orchestra – even my wife saw it. It was like God reached down with a hand and said: “here, let me give you a hand” – and then left. Or maybe the Science of the Mind folks have it right: I wanted it; envisioned it, and it came true. Again and again and again. It was amazing. But when my doc had me locked up it went away; I blame them (and my wife does, too) for damaging my happiness and me . . .
It has come to my attention several of my alters need therapy. Mostly Matthew – and he’s inclined to agree. (A good point – since he’s my – and ‘our’ – Defender, the former psychiatrists and psychologists had trouble with him.) Whether or not ‘we’ can “therapy” him or whether we’d be better off going to see a REAL therapist remains to be seen. Perhaps my wife can help him if we give her the ‘keys’. He needs ‘raised’, needing to “grow up into a grownup” – if that can be done. Or at least some of his attitudes need changed. Fortunately he’s very flexible as well – we’ll see what can be done. (sighing here . . . just like any father would over his angsty brooding troublesome teenager).
And then there’s Mikie, our ‘inner child’ – who needs someone to hug him; needs a creative outlet towards expressing himself. “He” does artwork; not like mine – and the problem there is he’s been beaten down so much that he hates his own artwork and is feels ashamed of it. He wants us to help by shading it and coloring it. But then it becomes “ours” and not his own (though he had the idea). We are trying to encourage him to come out more and do artwork on his own; to go ahead and ‘play’. Getting my wife to ‘help’ by encouraging him might help. He would like to do some hearts for her (and give her one of my ‘mice’ – a type of super-cute drawing we can do*)- but he’s ‘not going to try’ because he’s sure his work won’t be liked (even if she says she does) because he’s just a little kid . . . one who’s ego and mind got beaten down in the ground. (We’re giving him a big ol’ safe hug; bear hug kinda technique …. smile 🙂
We’ve finally figured out that we need to figure out Jeremy, 13, and ‘the other one’; and someone named 21.
We figured out this:
When we were 11 we were taught:
“Get out if you can. If you can’t – BLEND. If you can’t blend – then fight.” And so we learned. This was in Cold War Germany.
Total time spent ‘in the military’? From birth: 27 years? At least 26 – but I’ve done some ‘work’ since then. Strictly under the table kind of thing; haven’t gotten paid. Or I have, but in intangible ways, such as feeling better about myself and knowing I have done my duty to God, Country, and all mankind. That’s what I’m living for, I reckon – I guess. I really don’t know.
There is no doubt there have been some strange things, events, and times in my life, and the lives of my ‘inner ones’. And while on one hand I want to know more, I remember what some folks have said: that I probably will never know everything or the reasons why of some of what went on; especially if some of what we all (meaning some of my friends and family) think went on – there’s ‘no way’ I could know (programming and training by ???? the US military always ‘pops’ to mind when I was a little child … up until ???) – and so . . .
I hate having mysteries about my own life . . . I really want to know, because I am a learning type of being.
And that’s not a bad thing to be.