DID: Spirituality and Forgiveness

DID* and Spirituality

This is for my DID friends out there who may be struggling with their others . . . perhaps a path to peace and happiness, perhaps not.  The choice is up to you.  But it’s helped us – a lot.  We are much happier now; much less fighting.  It’s taken awhile; we aren’t perfect – but the following perception change helped us . . . greatly, and we’re grateful for this ‘knowledge’, this theory of mine – about us – a DID person . . . A DID Being.

On April Fools Day, God spoke to me.  Okay . . . it wasn’t God, but it was a part of me.  And he said:  “What if . . . what if these aren’t broken ‘parts’ . . .  but God’s way of making more souls.  What if, like pruning a tree, God ‘prunes’ your personality so that he can make more beings . . . what if that was true?  What would you do?  How would you look at ‘them’, the insiders?”

And it came to me; what if we started looking at ‘them’ as souls instead of “it” or a fractured part of myself.  Of ‘us’ looking around at ‘us’ and each other with fresh eyes.  Taking account, learning to listen and FEEL and forgive one another.  Could we do that?  It would mean embracing this ‘illness’ – if it is a disease at all – by opening myself up to them; not being ashamed of them; supporting them just like ‘me’; hugging them when they needed it . . . a whole lot of things . . . and it’s been good, even if we still have hard times once and awhile.

It took looking at “us” like a family – a family of kids, some of them abused, and some of us as adults – and yes, we have our “angels” 🙂 After we gave into it – gave into the idea of being DID, of treating our insider ones as angels and human beings – things got better REAL quick.  There was a lot of fighting going on.  A lot of it has stopped.

It took a lot of doing.  Looking at all my ‘sides’, coming ‘in touch’ with my core (but only briefly, for a moment – it was like looking into a fire; only different this time) . . .

And yet . . . it wasn’t always this way.

We treated ourselves in ways we would treat no human being.  None!  And yet there we were; doing it to our own selves: Locking the Beast up in a cage; locking up Mikie for (arguably) – his ‘own protection’ (and for many years – he was ‘there’ and we could ‘see’ him . . .  ‘feel’ the cold cold winds of loneliness and pain arcing through his little body . . . he’s right ‘here’, in our “Ice World”:

This Is Where We Kept Mikie for Many Long Years

Now, I ask you: is that any way to treat a child who, denied love, beaten some, abused much – grown up poor and torn inside?  To stick him right ‘here’, in this horrible hard cold world?  To be “alone” for the rest of “OUR” years?  This, a “living” child – in US?

I think not; no matter what he did – because he was driven into needing it by his own needs.  He needed love; WE gave him hate; ONE of us ‘putting him aside’ for his ‘own protection’. . . I treated ‘him’ like an IT – as a sick “part” of me – (same with Matthew some of the time) – as in “IT needs to go away; HE needs to die . . .” (that along with parts wanting to kill themselves, others wanting to die; others wanting to “kill” others – warring, but unable to do that, they damaged “me” and the body instead.  That kind of thing.

No wonder the ancients once thought we were possessed by demons – or gods.  Sometimes they fried us at the stake.  Sometimes they burned us alive; or put us in pits, or drowned us, or threw us in stocks, or hanged us for witchcraft, or for being ‘possessed by demons’ . . .

In modern society they’ve locked us up sometimes; put electrodes on our heads – burning ‘them’ out with modern electricity – shoving rods in our heads (it’s called a “lobotomy”, folks) – locking us in tight cages; binding our arms (there’s “restraint therapy” – it can go on for hours and days sometimes).

You don’t want to go there.  And part of not going there is becoming happy with your selves; to ‘get along’ in such a way that you can function – and feel like you are functioning – happily and normally in today’s society and world.  Part of that is being happy with yourself – embracing your ‘others’ and getting them to embrace you – forgiving yourselves.  I know it’s hard, but forgiveness starts “at home”, so to speak – by forgiving your internal “family”, the souls that are living in there.

Look at “them” – the internal children.  Does the phrase “sure, but they did bad things” echo through your head?  (It does mine – I still have a long way to go, but getting there all the time.)  Now look at them again and now FEEL them . . . feel their hurts and needs.  Does it matter how they got them?  Does that matter at all?  Would it matter to you in a real living breathing human child?  If a child came up to you with the same pains and issues YOUR inner child has; if one of your grown parts – knowing he or she has been abused – came up to you – would you ‘throw them out’ and turn them away?  Or worse, would you try and shoot them?  These are ‘you’ – parts that need nurtured into living souls . . . parts that need

Well, that’s what you ARE – only it’s a part of you: a living soul to be cultured; brought up and loved; cherished by the other inner parts of you – for giving you life, and you them – for surviving when there was surviving that needs done; for sheltering themselves when there was sheltering to need done – and perhaps, like me, occasionally finding love in all the wrong places (and then finding that it wasn’t love at all . . . he just used me . . .)

Yeah; we all have those sorts of issues; us DID minds.  But that’s okay; that’s family, them and me – all in this together . . . muddling along . . .

a bunch of human souls on the path to life . . . and somewhere else beyond.

I wish I could put this all better; there is even some science behind all this (I was a scientist FIRST; had to reconcile my mind, but the ‘evidence’ is there if you wanna believe it – or not.  But having some faith in your souls helps – helps a lot.  Treat them like living beings . . . and find happiness, I hope.

Sincerely, written by Jeff, Matthew & M3
et all.

(*DID: Dissociative Identity Dx3** – under which falls BPD: Borderline Personality Dx3.  A person with BPD who is under stress may illustrate symptoms of MPD (Multiple Personality Dx3.
**Dx3 – Diagnosis/Disorder/Disease.  When a person with DID is “functioning fine”, it is merely a diagnosis – the person is reasonably happy, functioning, and productive, and society perceives no problem.  It becomes a “disorder” when the ‘inside parts’ begin ‘fighting’ each other, or the ‘system’ has becomes unstable.  It is a “disease” when the person enters a self-harm stage.  Most DID sufferers present a threat only to themselves if and when this happens; rarely is it ‘about’ the outside world.)

About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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2 Responses to DID: Spirituality and Forgiveness

  1. Elizabeth Owens says:

    As I read this I sit here and cry. It hurts my “souls” to hear this. I feel like it is in response to my blog post I wrote just a few days ago about fighting with alters. I really appreciate this post. It allows me to look at myself and especially those inside differently. Would I ever send away a child that was hurting and in pain? ABSOLUTELY NOT! So why in the world do I try and do it to my little ones. Thank you for posting this today…Just as I called one of the little ones a name and she became very upset and told our therapist. Things in our system aren’t working out so well right now and struggles are constant it feels like.
    Again…thank you…


  2. jeffssong says:

    Hello, Elizabeth and others. We learned we need each other – the adults taking care of the children, counseling the hurt ones; taking care of the ones who are insane. We managed to regress some of the ‘bad’ ones (insane beings) to infancy – and when they ‘scream’ we’ve learned to ‘gather around’ and comfort them, ignoring their threats and rage. After all: it’s just an insane child – driven insane by what it’s been through, and some of the ‘grownups’, too. It’s hard to do – a hell of a management system, but we do it to not only survive – but thrive. Fortunately our best ‘trick’ was loving them until they finally realized: we DO love them; have forgiven them all their issues – have tolerance (And laughter) for their ‘tricks’ – and ‘they’ have become better behaved in some ways.

    We learned each part has different skills, emotions, talents, tricks, preferences. WE don’t feel jealousy at all: it’s a ‘missing’ emotion (tied to “13” we’re told). Don’t know. But I know without, say, our teenager, Matthew – we could not survive. Not very well. Especially in the woods. (He’s a survivalist – big time – as well as being able to ‘control’ our military mind – which has 2x personalities in right there.) And . . . again, it’s like living at home – both for him and me. He’s the sullen teenager sometimes – and he’s got problems (we’re thinking of taking him in for ‘therapy’ if we can find a therapist who will cooperate, and not try to ‘destroy’ us and prevent us from becoming “all we can become” – if we become a living cooperating being . . . living together in love, harmony, and faith in one another – all the time.

    We learned we have to *understand* WHY they did what they did – they were each seeking happiness and love – as best they could with what they knew in the situation they were in. They were *trying* – trying to remain on an even keel – in their ‘own’ lives – and even now. They haven’t advanced as much as “I” in terms of growing up – and that’s okay. We’re gonna love ’em anyway – and when they get ‘hurt’ – we’ll hold them – just like we would any child; when they scream out their pain . . . yes, it’s hard, being an adult; teaching our teenager to handle ‘those kids’ – that they are his human brothers – he’s gotta help watch out for them. Ditto our “evil” ones and our bad ones . . . after all, that’s why they are there. Originally created to ‘protect’ this kid – and ourselves . . . and the ‘system’ just grew from that..

    Creating living souls . . . having them: not so bad. Just ‘family’ now inside – like I said: abused ones; children needing a playground (we have an “island” in our minds) . . . safety ‘nets’ and fences . . . wonderful souls, once you can get past their pain – learning to love and forgive, just as you would any child . . . and in our mind it’s like God making the ‘germs’ of souls – splitting us off from the very beginning – so we could become our own beings in the end of time . . . who knows? We are of a spiritual bent; saw ‘the light’ this last April and July. Sort of.

    Anway . . .it takes time. We will hope for the best for you – and here’s a ((((( hug ))))) for your inner children . . . for when you can’t find one for them. Been there, done that – and cross my heart hope to never to do it again 🙂 Wishing love and hope and happiness for you and your others – all the time.
    Jeff, et all, and Friends


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