Fork In the Road

We’ve tried both paths: battling DID and embracing DID (dissociative identity disorder).  In the first we fought ourselves; in the second we learned we must understand one another, love one another, forgive one another, and pay attention to how ‘they’ feel.  We learned we must embrace our children, not thrust them away; bear their shame, not bury it inside us – and if we can, cry with them by letting them cry through us.  (As a male survivor – and with our inner one, Matthew, this last is hard to do.  Very hard – but not impossible, as we found this last July.)

We learned the concept of “eternal forgiveness” – they were forgiven before they were even born – extending it towards all mankind; and we must work with or counseling those who have bad issues to be dealt with.  We’re still working on that last one.  Adult (or near adult) minds are hard to ‘change’; and our teenager must change his perceptions as well.  It would bring peace to us all.

I remember the days of therapy and pain; drugs; drugs and combined therapy; cutting, feeling suicidal; hurting one’s self; restraining one’s self while at the wheel to avoid plunging into some bridge abutment . . . having the wife take away the guns . . . because “I” was scared I was going to use them . . . an empty box of sleeping pills laying beside the bed . . . stuff like that…

Don’t wanna go back to them old days/daze.  (sorta wryly – and softly laughing.  Lets not get maniacal here . . .)

But then there’s that other thing . . .

Embracing my DID means embracing what society defines as an “insanity” – going insane.  Becoming more of who and what we FEEL we are and should be: an aware and ‘cooperative’ multiple being.  No more ‘shouting down’ others; no more struggling for a ‘single mind’ – just ‘letting go’.  I did it before when we were functioning fluidly, and it was pretty good . . . of course then they locked me up for being ‘too damned happy’ (as one doctor put it), and scaring the crap outta another (he had heard itmight be an MKULTRA type of ) . . . oh well.  Go figure.

NAMI CIT training has a chart.  If you are “too happy” or “too sad” – there is a problem.  I agree being too sad is a problem, especially if it goes on too long.  But too happy?  Please.  Happiness is rare.  Let it survive – while it can.

Living in ‘social stigma’ – having society “try” to make me unhappy while I try to be happy within?  You can’t ignore them – they’ll lock you away.  Or make society happy by trying to ‘kill them all’ myself – or with some drugs (again).  They were starting when I got out – prescribing drugs that would drown out the voices . . . drugs I would have to be on for the rest of my life, inwardly numb and everything . . . that’s a ‘dead life’, no happiness at all . . .

I know this.  I was – and am – happier when I am “one” – meaning not “one person”, but ONE BEING . . . with all my souls inside – singing like a chorus; everybody joining in . . . it can be so beautiful (and I can even now hear them singing inside; we are learning this sort of thing – all over again) . . .

And I think . . . I think . . .

We will become “we” again; as we were and are – loving it and embracing it, because the “other” did not work.  Allowing our inner children to survive and to thrive; encouraging them ‘outwards’ instead of shoving them in; expressing and exposing ‘them’ to the outside world.  Getting others to help would be nice; we have been contemplating this for a long time: feed the wolf or treat it with respect – love ‘him’ and make it my friend . . .

Embracing DID . . . embracing myself.  Screw the social perception.  Try it from my end; my point of view – and remember the old adage:

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.  You might find you are among your best friends.

 

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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