Welcome again to DID 101: how to get along with your system.
Dealing with the “Bad Ones”, the “Hard Ones”, the “Difficult to Get Along”. The “Raging Tiger”, the “Roaring Dragon” . . . the evil ones. The ones that technically have gone insane: psycho, over the edge, around the corner, and have disappeared into some ‘rage cloud’ in the great beyond. You know them. I’ve got one of my own. And we’re calling him The Beast, right here:
(We did that one a long time ago: The Beast.)
These evil ones . . . the best we could do was ‘love them to death’ in order to bring them over to our side – where they are more manageable and controllable. Some of them we managed to reduce to an infant state of mind: howling psychomaniacs, but ours, and we take care of them ourselves. Sometimes they get to howling words out in our head, like “go kill yourself” or “go do someone in” (with absolutely NO target in mind, mind you: just ‘go and do this’ stupid kind of thing). I think they mean “kill a part in myself” – but hey; who knows. These babies are insane. But they are mine. I will not let their words torture me anymore; they are the words of an insane or self-damaging being; I know they are. And if I hear condemnation for us ‘being what we are’; well then I just say: “and you are a part of myself.”
In some ways I ‘rebuilt’ certain personalities; sucking out their ‘brains’ and then taking care of them. In others I delegated certain ‘personalities’ and emotions. This came about from the Great Shutdown over in PR, and the resultant ‘rebuild’ where I ‘shed’ some ‘parts’ or feelings about myself – a Grand Rearranging of bits and pieces. And it was hard and I don’t recommend THAT as a form of therapy. It would break most persons; it drove us insane. I guess. Or ‘right’ – for we’ve been ‘cured’ of a lot of things since we got back from there. A Strange Mystery; that whole G-D trip . . .
anyway . . .
The dragon pictured above we finally put to sleep in a land called OZ; laying him down in that field of poppies while we all sing . . . that’s where we keep him now; in a glade in a forest in our mind where he’s quiet and peaceful – we ‘gave’ him ‘critters’ to chase for awhile until he understood: there was no use nor good in doing it. But he’s got a savage mind; dedicated to our usefulness right now (used to be dedicated towards the Marine, Mikie and Soldier. Matthew controls him; several of us ‘can’ – but two out of three hosts agree: this guy ain’t ‘letting loose’ unless something happens to ‘them’ – meaning Armageddon. (we were trained to try to survive, escape, resist, ad nauseum – here’s the ‘book’ they gave us when we were a kid:
So we’ve got this hard ass teenage mind – with a “Soldier” to back him . . . knowledgeable mind. But we came to love him by making him a) Big brother to several of our ‘friends’ and little inner ones; b) loving HIM like a son (our adult ‘halves’ do; and c) recognizing what he does and why he was built for survival (military Cult . . .ture . . . if one must speak of one), and for Protecting little Mikie . . . and (I think) – some of our even littler ones. But we’ve been ‘working’ with him; this one is ‘curable’. There no longer is a war. He’s not likely to get called out to one (I mean, like, come on now: we’re in our young fifties! – and disabled to boot! still get around; can still fire a gun – can still solve problems in my head . . . ) . . . there’s no need to be constantly on guard for action all of the time (part of “my” PTSD symptom, like carrying a gun). But twenty-six years of military cult-ture . . . hard to overcome.
Getting the beasties and the PTSD’ers ‘calmed down’ – well, we do it through love and understanding – NOT getting so upset when we catch ourselves doing something – and NOT going around beating up ourselves in the head (and heart . . . and soul . . . and things) . . . trying to come to some compromise, and trying to share ‘their’ pain – understand their losses and senses of betrayals . . .
We even have one called “Satan” in here . . . we got him to come around by coming around and sorta seeing things from ‘his’ viewpoint – 666, BTW, has always been our ‘favorite’ number . . . because no one else likes it, and to us it doesn’t mean a thing. (Had it on my ID badge at work – set up the system, knew no one would want that number – it would by sequence eventually come up – perhaps cause a law/legal/HR personnel issue – so I took it myself). Always dress like the devil for Halloween . . . that kind of stuff. “Son of Satan” is often what the family has called me. Just sort of a joke . . . and not so much. They know about some of the ‘parts’ inside of me . . . so we ‘converted’ him to our side by recognizing his loss (There is one, if you think about it: imagine being ‘chief angel’ thrown out of what he had come to regard as ‘his kingdom’ – by his father after he had helped his daddy build the thing . . . yeah, mind of a sullen teenager sometimes, LOL, which gives you a hint . . .)
But yeah: loving and ‘binding’ – sharing ‘ones’ pain with ‘others’ – reaching out by ‘reaching in’ – TALKING, asking who is who and who said what – and reaching out to their pain – not thrusting away – it is hard, but once overcome – then you can begin to heal. Yes, you may never be “yourself” as in being all alone. But all your parts will be around you singing (perhaps) . . . and maybe you can feel some joy in this thing. I don’t know.
Then there are the Shamed Ones; the ones who did things you are embarrassed to mention; things that “make you sick” (As we have done); things beyond desire . . . (sigh . . . it is sad; but we were human back then; a tortured child; devoid of love at sometimes; robbed of it at others; abused in it at times; seeking the real thing, the true one . . . sigh . . . never quite finding it . . . perhaps we are finding it within ourselves . . .)
Mikie’s shame and embarrassment . . . mortification, actually – and having love betrayed not just one, but two or three or four or more times in his young life (he – and we – used to sigh and hear him say “I’m feeling like a used condom”.) The tying and twisting of sex into love; the abandonment and betrayal by his best friend; the constant moving; the bewildering ‘battles’ with his brother and best friend; family politics; evil violence . . . yeah; he had a hard time.
How do you deal with a kid who comes up to you with all that load on his back? An ancient load, yes – he’s been hauling it for years – but there he is. Standing right there on the threshold. Do you lock him up? Walk away? Or let him in? And if you’re letting him in – are you giving him a hug? Or just ‘recognizing’ him . . . and letting him ‘go’ . . . to be out on his own again sometime?
We found recognizing him and giving him a hug was a thing to do; but it was hard: we had to learn to forgive him for “what he’d done” (this in his own Protector’s Words – but his Protector had begun to abuse him . . . right, Matthew? Oh yes you did (we are not being mad; just stern reminder – Mikie is his little brother now; not some ‘evil being’). . .
There are a lot of ‘tricks’ the psychologists might say – one had me build a fence for myself (the image is in my head; quite fixed . . . useless now that we have no ‘evil ones’ to be ‘fixed’, buried, or dead – we love them all right now, understanding what they did – or forgiving ‘them’ for being human despite themselves, ourselves – somebody . . . it doesn’t count.
What counts – and it’s the only thing that counts in this life – is everyone being happy – or as happy as you can. And that requires internal cooperation and recognizing one’s self for being what they are. A multiple being with ‘parts’ and family – that needs to be at peace with itself.(Okay, chuckling a little bit here folks; I’m in a light hearted mood and hope that you can take it as such: anything I say won’t be held against you, so certainly – please! – don’t hold it against ‘me’ and us. If you see something you like feel free to take it and ‘process’ it yourself; if not, leave it alone – just as another man’s opinion. Not an expert here! And Iknow each survivor’s journey is different, we each have a path to take. But sometimes you look up from the path you are making and find others have gone before . . . sometimes it does. What works or worked for me may not apply to all systems.)