DID Detectives: Curse vs. Cure

DID Detectives: Curse vs. Cure(s)

Being DID, I have a vested interest in learning what I can about dissociative identity diagnosis in general, and ‘myself’ in particular.

What I’ve learned thus far is that every DID ‘victim’ is different, therefore unique – and in asking “why?” the answers become very obvious: everyone is different, we’ve all had a different set of experiences, we come from different genetic backgrounds, and the Ten Percent rule throws in a certain degree of variability in the system. Therefore it makes sense that just like anyone else, DID persons are going to be unique – not just from those around them, but those in DID circles as well.

Therefore it follows that there can be no ‘standard’ treatment following someone’s DID diagnosis, which also makes sense given the above – and the below. Some people are “more” DID than others. While I don’t consider myself a ‘high level function’ DID – I obviously am (something that has become somewhat more apparent to me – I’m still investigating this phenomena). For instance, in some DID systems the ‘parts’ don’t communicate with each other; in some they do. In some they don’t get along; in others they function and ‘hand off’ tasks, functions, influences, et cetra (in terms of what is going on in the world today and around them) – readily and easily. And in some (like mine), it’s a mixture of a little bit of both and all, depending upon the pressures I’ve been under and the environment I am in.

So – facing these differences, what are we to do? Therapists and counselors have only a little bit of training giving them general guidelines – and society says “this is wrong: there is only one being; multiples can’t be true” – and thus the medical system follows the general rule of “eliminate what is wrong” – and therefore ‘we’ run into problems.

After all: who really wants to be “eliminated”? It can be done through drugs – the medical profession has made a fortune off of prescribing them – and given their side effects, the results have been questionable. No doubt: in some cases they work, but they shouldn’t be meant as a long term solution. Plus, as “I” and others have found – if you ‘eliminate’ a part of the system, you eliminate a part of that person’s “self”. A quality in them will be gone – whether that be an emotion or a physical skill, or (again, as in my case) – a little bit of both.

I recall reading what the psychologists described as a “cured” DID being. They described the persons as being “emotionally flat”, rather like a two-dimensional being. Being emotionally on ‘neutral’ all the time – neither loving nor hating, raging or in joy – just ‘stuck’ right there in the middle . . . of nothing. Their “cure” kinda reminds me of being in a totally “dissociative” state – sorta dead within staring at the world moving past outside my eyes – being more of a robot than a living human being – barely ‘there’, just going through the motions . . . and they call that thing a ‘cure’. (And I say this quite bitterly, because that is basically ‘the treatment’ for many DID beings . . . wonderful creatures that they are, shut up and shut down and merely a fraction of a shadow of themselves . . . them ‘self’.)

If this is the kind of loss I must experience in order to be cured . . . I’d rather remain crazy, then.

Then there are those others (psychologists and friends) who try to help the DID system by encouraging the system ‘parts’ to get along; share the human hosting mechanism (the main ‘host’ or adult being), helping the host to understand he or she must not only ‘maintain’ said system – but help it get along by functioning as a mediator between ‘living’ parts – helping to arrange the function by consciously becoming aware of “them” and what they are and what they are doing there and how they contribute to the overall sense of well-being, happiness and joy – what their pains are; ancient griefs and things – help them get over and through their mourning . . . there’s a lot of things that must be done.

No wonder psychiatrists so often prescribe the drugs. It’s much easier than doing the work that must be done.

I’m leaning more in favor of ‘giving into’ my DID system (once again – this is a debate I’ve had with ‘We’ off and on for a long, long time) – simply because I am and feel more ALIVE with ‘everyone’ moving around – there is more emotional, spontaneity, depth of feelings – no more ‘dead’ inside or ‘dead spots’ (where we don’t feel any emotion at all towards a particular event) – more liking and take towards artwork, more playing with my ‘friends’ (my grandchildren, actually – the adult ‘half’ speaking here – but to my ‘little one’ they are my friends) . . .

I found myself last night with the little ones – remembering little hand tricks and things. Do you know the one of ‘waggling your fingers’? The middle ones, I mean – folding them over, inverting and rolling over your hands, then waggling your fingers? Grossed the littlest grandson out when he first saw me do it – and then he just had to know HOW – especially when ALL the adults in the room began doing it, demonstrating that they knew how . . . passing on “little skills” to my ‘young friend’ – something I had not done in awhile. Heck, I didn’t even remember I knew how to do the ‘trick’ until my little one remembered – and ‘he’ had to come forward a bit to show ME how to do the thing.

But if I was ‘cured’ I would not remember doing that. I would not have known how. I would have just stared at him with a vacant eyed adult stare, wishing he would go on. Or perhaps loving him and hugging him – but just as a ‘thing’; something that needed to be done. My ‘love’ wouldn’t be near so vibrant and alive for him (or anyone – everyone) without ‘that thing’, that ‘bit’ of DID being within me – the little child.

The thing is – a DID system (or being) can only do so much – especially given the social stigma they will face if they “go there” (meaning ’embracing the system’ and opening themselves up – or giving in to – the ‘madness’ that society says this sort of thing is). What if I came up to you and said: “We are here!” (Which is the truth – and, by the way, something I do and have done . . . usually can be confused into ‘we’ as in ‘we – me and you’ . . . we hide by not stating clear . . .)

Which just goes to show you how much we DID people fear being ‘found out’ – persecuted by the society we live in (and the professionals as well) – so in order to remain ‘normal’ we keep our mouth shut about the thing.

And yet I can’t help but think: in the ‘old days’ people with multiple ‘people’ or personalities inside were regarded as ‘touched by the hand of God’ or made someone special . . .

or burned at the stake as witches, tortured until they were almost dead (and then burned at the stake or on some woodpile for good measure) . . .

and even now if someone comes up to you and says “I talk to God” or “I have angels living inside” – you are going to be looking at them kinda funny – I know I do. And I’m one of those folks! I swear: you just can’t win with this system . . .

But I’m much more likely to hear them out nowadays; listen to them. Another wonderful thing about keeping the “DID system” alive and well and functioning (without anyone being ‘put down’, ‘locked out’, or in other ways not participating within the ‘self’) – is that we have cued in a lot on a person’s speech and mannerisms – looking for subtle hints of this thing – and if nothing else, it helps us realize we are not all that abnormal from anyone else: we’ve just got ‘parts’ that are a bit better defined is all – and the ability to ‘shut them down’ and ‘turn them off’ if need be.

And that is something else in the DID system I’ve noticed: not just in ‘mine’ but everyone else’s. You remember me saying something about them all being different. And then I read somewhere how some DID’ers will switch to their ‘inner ones’ – the “littles” – when placed under too much stress, and it occurred to me that is almost exactly opposite of what WE will do: we protect our ‘innocents’ by ‘putting them away’ – erecting the guards and shields in my mind, Matt coming forward; the Soldier arousing; scientists and sharp mental functions coming to the fore – and the rest all fading to the background. We can grow hard sometimes – sometimes in an instant – going from laughing and joking and smiling – to hard hard Marine, with Killer instinct just behind the shoulder . . .

But we don’t like doing that. It kinda sucks because so many of ‘ourselves’ get ‘left behind’ – shoved in their foxholes somewhere; heads down and ducking – protecting the ‘littles’ and more sensitive parts inside.

You have to do that sometimes. Especially when you’ve been abused. Especially while you are being abused. Which brings me to a quality of my system here: Why we were developed and who we ‘are’ in ‘this kinds of stuff’ – meaning a nasty situation. Because it appears that was we were ‘developed’ for.

And that’s the key thing to take out of this, if you take nothing else: everyone is different, including those with DID. It is no more of a descriptive label than that of “human being” – it encompasses a variety of things: states, being, emotion and behavior – all within a single ‘system’ or being . . . just like anyone else.

And therefore I can see no clear ‘need’ to shut this thing ‘down’ – indeed, even if I could. It would do more ‘harm’ to the system – or myself – by ‘losing’ or burying some parts. For some people this may be key, but for others it’s the wrong way to go. It’s something to bear in mind when dealing with a DID system – whether that be someone else’s, or even yours. Whether to ’embrace’ the system as a whole – or to try to ‘shake off’ and ‘destroy’ those beings inside . . .

Of the two I think I’m going to forge ahead with the former – while knowing I’ll probably give in at times towards the latter – and realizing from harsh experience which is the best of the two – for ME.

Next (maybe – maybe a few posts later on): DID Detectives: The Evolution of Being, where I (and we!) examine ‘how’ (sorta) and ‘why’ (maybe) ‘our’ (some, anyway) ‘internal beings’ arrived, were derived at (and for and from) – and what ‘they’ are for . . .

 

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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4 Responses to DID Detectives: Curse vs. Cure

  1. Michael says:

    Hey Guy,

    I have been reading. I have not been commenting a I do not if I am to busy to follow up.

    This is my read on DID. Multiplicity is rare. DID is common. I do not think that there was ever one and then any split with multiplicity. I think that is DID. Different parts developed separably and then more parts were created.

    This is not a better or worse thing it is just a different thing.

    I think there needs to be life threatening trauma pre-verbal to not become one at all., For me it was at birth. Not unreasonable to assume that as you were “missing” the first month of you life this is true for you also. Much of the MKULTRA thing was to try and have you have no bond at all. In a way trying to create a psychopath that could be controlled. They do exist. I knew one and he really had no mind of his own. He was not low IQ as much as he really did not know what to do if someone did not tell him,

    We have done much good with with finding out when, where and with who if anyone one of us came to be., It is crazy hard work,

    One of the key aspects of multiplicity is that one can be fine and if they are out everything is fine., It can become the goal only to have those out that are fine., It does work. I did it for years. Just something is missing is all.

    I can tell you this. A $100 Philips goLite has changed my life. I still do better with the sun. The blue light really makes things easier. It can be dangerous as it can get me to wound up. It took a while to get use to that is for sure.

    In a way what I used to do do stay even sometimes now helps me heal.

    You are doing really really good work and have zip for help.

    There never has been any destroy in any of this for me. It has always been the opposite. To let us all be and then we heal. Somethings are harder than others. Some of us know how to do horrible things due to the training. We do not want to destroy them or even put them away for later. They have to be in there own way with out doing horrible things. This means horrible things to other people not ourselves.

    We do not work on the multiple aspect of the results of trauma. We work on expressing. Understanding our whole “system” at one time is not logically possible. We can go with each other in different ways. Take a small number of 12 and run the combinations. Then each of those combinations can go with one other etc. I did it long about and never did it again.

    We are the same way with no way in the world are those from before age 3 1/2 going to be out if there is distress. They are totally protected. That is part of the problem they do not want to be they want do be them. Which means one with us.

    As an example. We were sitting on the bottom of the pool. It was fun. We really do not sometimes get we can not breathe underwater. We are that comfortable. So some of us thought we should scuba ect. Some just plain wanted to sit down there and look around. It was fun. Does not exclude scuba. It is different. There are issues. They figured if they stuck their head in the ladder than they would not have to hold themselves down. They are right. Not a good idea. Some would swim out in the middle of the lake to go see something with out thinking. Some would grab a hot marble that we were making. That is about the only time we really worry about the multiple stuff. As far as the driving goes. One that is young is the best in the snow. He can feel it in a way the rest of us can not. So he drives if it is snowing.

    Journey on,

    Michael

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  2. jeffssong says:

    As far as ‘pre-verbal life-threatening’ – I can hazard a guess based upon what I remember at age 3 (death threats that seemed real to ME), my mom’s behaviors at the time (psychotic, paranoid-schiz, given to violent rages), the fact that she proved she WOULD stuff a rag down a crying baby’s throat (by trying to do the same to my own daughter) – and that she was left alone with my brother and I – totally alone, no friends, no family, dad gone off to war and/or work – leads me to assume that if not literally brought to the edge of death, I certainly thought so (and can feel that one’s ‘panic’ – including an accelerating heartbeat, adrenaline, nervousness – despite having no real memory of that (but do I? I think I do, but a) just avoiding, and b) refuse to give into ‘recovering’ any memories since those could be chalked up as imagination). As far as bonding: father refused to have anything to do with me for the first 6 weeks, not that he took care of his children (except to fund the mother, who was supposed to take care of the family – and his funding was poor due to his circumstances and greedy attitude.) Mom was never the ‘bonding’ kind. While receiving some hugs, all affectionate gestures were very rare, and stopped by the time we were 8. Dad used to hug and kiss us goodnight – proper father in many respects, just given to ‘closet cruelty’ and a mindset that led him to seek experimenting on us in different ways – most of them psychological. LOL, we were the “studied mouse” – we got the book learning – and used it against him in many different ways. By the time we were 16 he was convinced we were technically insane – and we challenged his religious authority by proclaiming ourself “God” and asking him to disprove this. He couldn’t, not really. (We are a really good debater / devil’s advocate in that way – we can argue for or against anything at all – including child abuse, as you well know. Not that we believe in all our arguments – but a small part of us do. Each and every time. That’s what makes for an effective debater: the ability to believe in what you are arguing for. Pain in the ass, really, but makes us a VERY effective problem solver sometimes.

    The pool. We envy you that to a certain degree. We love being underwater – just love it. Have since we were a little child. (The Blue Lagoon, BTW, was one of my favorite movies; Lord of the Flies our fav book ‘back in the day’ – can you see the ties?) We also tended to ‘stay underwater’. At one pool we’d pick up the heavy grate off the bottom and go ‘gliding’ using the grate as a plane, a weight, and a wing. Often sat on the bottom – letting all our air out and just sitting there. And yeah – got my leg wrapped up in a ladder a time or two; got scarred on one leg for quite a while getting out. (you know those cheap folded steel channel rungs; sharp on the bottom). Would love to scuba – even better perhaps aqualung – even better to be a fish for awhile 🙂 I think it’s the weightlessness and the lack of sound (to a degree: a pool and a pond can be a noisy place to be). I’ve often thought of building myself a sensory deprivation tank (salt based shallow immersion) but it’s a pain in the butt – getting the water temp just right; quiet, a good place (under the house would be best – LOL, would look like Dracula’s coffin – with a whole lotta plumbing). Yeah, that’d get me 1013’d again, no doubt, LOL. The neighbors around here – the Southern neighbors – just wouldn’t get it. It’d be that ol’ “That Southern boy is WEIRD” sorta thing . . . but everyone’s pretty aware of that anyway I reckon.

    Yeah, those SADD lamps (or reasonable substitute) can make a huge difference. Glad you found one to help you. We’ve found they do a bit, not much. Had one for a year (therapist issued it to us to see if it would help.) If I had my druthers, I’d probably go on Paxil for the seasonal depression – it was the ONE drug that seemed ‘okay’. But won’t most likely. Numbing the effects doesn’t deal with the root causes of the ‘depressions’. We’re working on that, though, and DO go outside when it’s sunny – and into bright locations when we are feeling excessively blue. That’s helps a bit as well. Wish I could recover that feeling that I had coming back from PR – even better, while I was there. There are simply no words to describe it except perhaps to say I was ‘walking with God’ as best I understand. Really good time in a lot of ways, despite what we went through (and it took going through it, I think, to get to ‘that point’- total destruction and rebuild of ‘self’ again . . . in a way. Strange. We lost our shame of our child abuse then – but don’t know why. Just ‘saw’ it, said “don’t need it” and threw it away. (Rummaging around in the mental attic – I’m sure I saw it around here somewhere . . . dinged, dusty and dirty . . . like an old rag muffin . . .) But I wouldn’t recommend that ‘form’ of therapy to anyone: it was really bad. But good in a way.

    I honestly am on a big crux – still standing at that proverbial crossroads of ’embrace’ or ‘reject’ the whole ‘DID’ thing – if I can – and by that I’m meaning ‘killing this thing’ – if I can – and I doubt it. I’ve tried it before – over and over again. Once when I was 21, then 13? – both times I failed. Always have done BETTER and felt better and more alive ’embracing’ everything – but its really hard to do. Too many *conflicting* emotions, thoughts and things. That was something we’d overcome in PR as well: had a singular goal to latch onto I reckon, or just a few of them. Trying to get everyone to “row together” with the final destination being “heal” depends a LOT on this thing; this decision – and to tell you the truth? I don’t think I CAN “kill it”. It has always left me really messed up when I (or one of my alternate hosts) have tried. It almost killed me every time – quite literally. LOL, I can get suicidal quite easily sometimes. But NOT when “everyone is alive” in me. That’s when things get wonderful. Otherwise, they do not.

    So there, you see: am I better giving ‘into’ the madness – slip down the slippery slope? I am financially ‘independent’ (living on 1.1K a month), house paid for, even able to set aside a bit every month. Don’t have to work if I don’t want to (and am limited anyway bodywise by my disability – can get around just fine – but not consistently. Some days are bad and it’s Mr. Gimpy. Others not so bad. LOL, should be used to it: been going on for over 24 years – but it’s always getting worse. Dr. says that’s the story: gonna get worse until I die. We’ll see :/ But the point is: I can afford to do this: say screw it, screw everybody – and if they don’t like it, that’s their problem: I’m gonna be ‘me’ even if ‘me’ means DID (or MPD – or whatever flavor of this thing we’ve gotten). However, it also means a lot of social rejection and isolation (as if I don’t already have that going for me anyway, LO not so bitter L’s). Whutever . . .

    LOL, it’s Christmas Eve morning; really gotta get moving on . . . thanks for the comment, you have a good one; don’t let the family disturb you too much, see ya on the flip side; on the other end, keep on journeying, keep on truckin’, keepin’ the pedal down
    et all
    Jeff & Crew
    LOL’ing all the way (sung to Sleigh Bells)

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  3. Michael says:

    I could call what I do giving in to DID. We let all of us express as best we can and then we heal and integrate. The integrate is a result of letting us all be.

    There is a cognitive thing with CPTSD. Call it connecting things. You want the experience of PR and yet if it was connected to what happened afterwards would you still?

    Good news is the only option is not to not have the feelings you did in PR so you do not have what happened afterwards. It is about having them all and staying with them. You can put some off here and there. You do needed to get back to them.

    I love the people that are always present. Go nose to nose with them an there being present goes away. They live in a protected world and call that being present. It is Bullshit.

    I envy myself for having the pool. Here is the thing. I got 6 other people together and got the membership for $84. I drive 30 min to get there. I figure $8.00 a trip is my cost. I make it happen is what I am saying.

    Make a soaking tub. The neighbors should be able to handle that. Just a tub with a coil in a fire box. Do not write and tell me how to do it. I know how. Just do it. Hell tell the neighbors the Dr prescribed it. Hell see if your insurance will cover it. Just watch the monthly costs of a hot tub. That is around $60 a month if you know how to count.

    The letting yourself fall apart which is how I would term what you call self destruct it part of all this. You do it over and over and over again. It gets easier the more you do it. Not so much you get used to it or learn how to do it. Each time you do it there is less work.

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  4. Michael says:

    I wanted to mention other than sun there is no substitute that I have found for the blue light not can one be made less expensively that is adequate.

    I would not consider using a light when in therapy to be a good use of the light nor would I consider having done so a credible evaluation.

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