Developing DID

They say you aren’t born ‘DID’, or with a dissociative identity diagnosis.  And, I reckon, neither were we.  ‘We’ were made that way.  For the purposes of this discussion, the how’s and wherefore’s are unimportant.  The fact is, we were born as ‘one’ – and then something happened, something which changed us.  And even that is unimportant when you are looking at the effects, for it is the effects which are important, not the manner of abuse – though the manner of abuse may give rise to certain effects, and understanding those details can go a long way towards deciphering and understanding this sort of thing.

So here we have this child, age of one, personality? – probably one.  Though we don’t know.  There was abuse going on from the moment we were born – we are sure of it.  Born of US Military parents in a German hospital fourteen years after the end of WWII, kept in said hospital for a month – where, it is said, I ‘disappeared’ – ‘misplaced’ – something the Germans rarely do (they are a methodical people) – for awhile (days on end) – then father rejecting me outright at birth – yes, these are the things which can lead to problems later on in life (or so I’ve been told).  A lack of nurturing, holding, and love it seems can have an effect on a child later on.  I don’t know.

But we ‘sense’ there is this  ‘primary’ host from way back then: a Toddler perhaps.  He was getting . . . well, shall we say ‘sexually experimented on’ by the little girl next door – one his age – by ramming a stick up his bum and having him walk around with it.  And then the true abuse begins – the girl is ‘lost’, the beatings continue – getting even worse, not better as time goes on – and the ‘Toddler’, at a loss for what to do, and realizing he is smarter than his brother (who led them into a trap one time – the Toddler knew he was going to die by doing this – but went with his brother instead . . . not really offering a sacrifice so much as standing in the way.  If Death was coming, he was going to be the first one outta there . . .)

So (dissociating) – the Toddler builds a new identity – the one we call “Mikie” (though his name is Michael sometimes – but that is all our hosts, being as it’s our proper name).  This new being is a ‘stronger’ one – able to dissociate at will, and much more freely.  Able to ignore the outside world and ‘go into’ the one(s) inside of him – escaping the ‘abuse beyond’ (his outer perceptions).

This occurs again at 21, 7 years old, 13, 14 somewhat – again (perhaps a bit) at 26, 33 . . . who knows?  I’m really at a ‘loss’ with some of them, the ‘missing years’.  Only they aren’t missing – I can remember bits and snatches of them . . . just today I smelt a scent I hadn’t smelled in such a long time – a cross between french vanilla toast and canvas – and I was “in the military” – my body fooling me one more time – standing on the back deck as ‘someone else’ looking around – and I realized it was “21”, the alternate personality – and realized: Hey – he’s in the Marine Corps – which means the Marine is ‘part’ of him – or perhaps he IS the Marine . . . I don’t know.

But I do know this: every once and awhile we ‘transition’ into a different host.  New ‘hosts’ have been ‘built’ over time.  And that’s a trick in and of itself: building a new host when the old one isn’t getting along so well – when the old one is either a) emotionally sick of this place, or b) unable to continue due to outside (and inside) pressures.

During this period of building a ‘new host’ an alter must be formed.  After all, ‘someone’s’ got to manage the store while the building is going on – you can’t just collapse and ‘die’ right there – you (the old host) has to continue ‘moving on’, providing input and things – ‘forming’ the new host to come – and then you ‘retreat’ and gradually you are ‘outta there’.  Getting the picture?

Now . . . you’ve got this old host – and you’ve got this ‘alternate personality’ you used while ‘arranging things’ (building, retreating, and all that mess.  You gotta remember: the old host is in trouble while he’s doing this – he’s doing this to survive.  Things have gotten so bad for so long that he’s ‘outta there’ – getting on the run.  But he’s gotta make sure someone is around (or left) who can ‘run the course’ (stay the course?) – while he is not around.

Needless to say, we get extremely catatonic sometimes – ‘zoning outta there’ – while the ‘building process’ is going on.  It might just look like we’re a lump on the log – but actually we are thinking – burning brain cells left and right, and a whole lotta discussion (and rebuilding) going on.

We don’t always get it right, either, such as the one in 1986, ’96 or so . . . and then again this last July (but that was the State’s – and our doctor’s fault – he had us 1013’d – ‘institutionalized’, in other words – for being ‘too happy’, buying some guns, and telling him the strange story surrounding our Puerto Rican adventure) . . . bad news; that – him having me committed (and he broke the law doing it – his wife lied – but you have no rights under a 1013 – even the police don’t have to follow procedure – just take you in, any way they can . . .).

The point is: when you are done ‘rebuilding’ – and it can take a year sometimes (simply guessing right here; I really don’t have enough info to know) – you have these ‘left over parts’ sometimes – useless things, but they contain memory.  (For instance, one of them must contain memories of me moving – but ‘no one’ does – because apparently I can’t tap into that part of myself.   All those moves . . . should be at least ONE memory laying around . . . but for the life of me I can’t find it!  LOL’ing all around – kinda bitter in the end, though.)

And that’s the point of it: the evolution of being(s).  It doesn’t just ‘happen’ overnight – not usually – though the ‘kick-start’ can take place in moments – “I” was ‘born’ in less than fifteen minutes on a fair ride a long, long time ago; my other ‘alter’, “the Machine” – ‘we’ can remember intentionally going along with the Teenager’s (or was it 13’s?) plan and ‘forming him’ – things like that.  Intentional “forming” (which, by the way, ‘we’ were built for – another topic for a different day) – when need be (as we were doing in PR – before THAT process was interrupted) . . . giving rise over time to this thing: multiple personality.  Or at least it was / is for us – this process is still going on  . . .

and so we can’t help but wonder . . . what will Jeffery become?

a good question to answer – and be looking forward to in the future . . . we’ll see.


About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle ( ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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