DID: Opening Doors to the Spouse

We have been working very HARD on lots of things – analyzing our DID system, ‘opening up’ to the spouse, dealing with the holidays, working on “ourself” (or selves), etc . . .

If you’ve been following my blog, you will note that ‘we’ have been engaged in a ferocious interior debate about things these past few days (or has it been weeks now? Look: we keep on switching – if ‘you guys’ don’t settle down, we’re never gonna get this thing done!  LOL’ing.  interior clearing of throat and moving on . . .)

“We’ve” been taking an ‘alternate’ path these past few weeks.  After our experience in PR, we’ve been ‘settling down’ – and ‘suppressing’ the system, and going back to ‘our old ways’ – meaning mostly “M3” (adult being) running the system; dampening ‘everybody’ (including their own memories) down – going back to the ‘same old thing’ in a lots of ways – trying to restore ‘order’ – protect the wife; don’t ‘expose’ ourselves, keeping ‘quiet’ – not wanting to hurt our wifie in any sorta way . . . lots of things.  This would be what the shrinks would recommend: a dampening down of the system, whether it be through therapy or (more than likely) – it would be through drugs.

Little story from this last Christmas.

My wife was having me ‘paint a brick’.  She gets old bricks from old buildings – some of them ‘gone’ – and has me paint a landscape with a picture of the building on it.  I was having some lighting / space difficulties, and became enraged.  In the process I: squirted half a bottle of craft paint all over the brick – in the kitchen we just had refloored with some very expensive flooring – getting paint spatters all over everything – including my own clothes and the brand new wainscoating – on the chair – everywhere – and I had to clean this thing up – AND get the brick clean again – AND do the painting over again . . . just because of some simple and stupid thing . . .

This is just a baby example of the rages I can go into.  Fortunately, I always take them out on myself or something else – like throwing things.  REALLY bad about that one.  Or I’m into taking an iron pipe and beating the corners of the shipping container.  That kind of thing.

But it’s not a good thing.  One can not be happy when one is angry – so we gotta change that thing ‘back’ – get ‘rid’ of this thing – get ourselves into our ‘happy place’ – kinda like we were when we had come back from Puerto Rico – which means REALLY going mad – opening ourselves UP to this thing – and becoming ‘one’ with what – and ‘who’ we are inside.  And not just that but forcing society to take a LOOK at this thing – what do WE care if they don’t treat us kindly – for ‘they’ never did – and we are financially independent anyway – so what’s it matter?  The house is paid for; I’m doing it on ‘my’ behalf – and on ‘behalf’ of everyone – despite some of my ‘parts’ warning . . . and those so many things that we must do . . .

Starting with the spouse is one.

So we went to see her at yesterday and sat down and talked to her as openly as we could, which isn’t to say we were as open as we should be or would like to be . . . there’s trust issues, unprocessed pain and grief – while ‘feeling good’ and smiling – we were close to crying tears of grief and sadness because those personalities from the past were starting to ‘work up’ – but we didn’t.  Not right there and then: can’t.  But that’s okay.  We’ll get there sometime – one day (echo’s of Dorothy’s “Over the Rainbow” going through my head) – and we’ve learned a lot these past few days because we never stop ‘working’ on things.

We’ve been analyzing the hell outta this thing; this ‘going’ DID (LOL, and I was thinking ‘3D-DID’ because we are such a 3-tiered system (somewhat).  But yesterday, while we were talking, my wife (somewhat jokingly, somewhat in seriousness), asked:

“Just how many are you inside of there?”

And boy, that deserves another few blog entries just on behalf of that question – for ‘who we are’ are a lot of things.  That’s the ‘fun’ and ‘part’ of being DID (though it isn’t much like being ‘you’, the normal person out there, you can kinda relate if you think of your sides and parts as inside, semi-independent beings – “the devil in you” or “your inner child” would be some of the examples).  For in ‘us’; well, we were ‘built’ to be a flexible being – able to ‘shift’ our attitudes and emotions, and/or simply damp them down; or closing ‘them’ off entirely sometimes.

And here’s the thing: due to our military past – the things we went through – we became a ‘very special’ sort of being: one with a LOT of flexibility built in.  Each ‘personality’ was adapted to handle a certain ‘situation’, and since we moved many times, the situation (and the environment that came with it) radically would change – and so would “I”.  And in order to cope with it, “I” had to shut down the other – the ‘old memories’ – that weren’t doing me any good; ‘saving’ only that which was needed at the time: learning to turn ‘off’ those emotions like grief, empathy, and love – because “I” (and we – all of “we” have) – been hurt so many times – and betrayed so many times – that ‘we’ learned to hate it (this thing called love).  Or at least some of us did; many of ‘us’ have some pretty severe problems with the whole thing (or is that just my ‘teenager’ speaking right there?) . . .

Which brings me ‘up’ to him.  (You in the DID world know what that means; we’ve kinda ‘switched’ right in here; we often do when we are writing about these kinda things).  Matthew.

I’ve yet to give my wife the ‘keys’ to handling him – speaking ‘directly’ to him; though she does a lot of the times.  She says she ‘gets the sense’ of him (and the child) when ‘they’ are up and around.  He can be the smart-ass some of the times; given to being rude; and we won’t even begin to get started on the inappropriate comments he can make sometimes.  You are talking here about a teenager who’s been abused – emotionally, physically, and sexually sometimes – wise in many of the ways of the world, and ignorant about human relations.  Cruel but kind; he’s killed a lot of animals in his time – both willingly and voluntarily as part of his job as teenager working in the animal labs.  That was when he was ‘in the army’ and this was animal labs in the VA.  Go figure: he was into that kinda thing – studying to be a veterinarian.  But he saved some, too, and treated them kindly until the end.

(sigh) . . . that’s another story; and before ‘he’ became the Marine – who, we are beginning to suspect, is “21” (that missing personality) – IS “The Marine”; which is putting two and two together and boiling it down to one.  Which in our case is a ‘good’ thing – this means “21” is sort’ve a ‘split personality’ unto itself – which explains some things (and yes, ’21’ is confirming a bit; he “is” a Marine; but only part of him; Matthew is the ‘other one’ … in the ‘end stages’ of the Matthew being, Matthew became a Marine – which makes sense – when we enlisted we were seventeen.   Or eighteen.  But seventeen ‘in mind’.  Relationships issues and whatnot and so-on.

Did I mention that I was kinda molested one or a couple times by an uncle?  I’m not sure if it counts as ‘molesting’.  But that’s the kinda kid I am.  And it wasn’t the ‘molesting’ – he was almost my own age; I was only a few years younger than him – but the way he did it.  He was a transvestite and things.  Some really nasty stuff went on there.  But we were a teenager and we knew no better and we went along – for after all inside us we are all almost to the one (except for the religious man) bisexual in some kinda way – some to a certain extant one way; some another; but Matthew is the most ‘sexual’ that we have in some ways (it makes sense; he was a horny teenager sometimes – LOL; quite a few times sometimes: we made love to our wife the ‘first time’ seventeen times in one night until my wife stopped counting . . . wore her out, my friend . . . even still sometimes we ‘go’, repeat, go again . . . just to get her off.  That’s ‘little Mikie’ my friend in some ways: he loves to ‘get her off’ because he was TRAINED to do that: ‘get people off’ . . . yeah; he was trained . . .

Which brings us to another thing – and we suddenly realized: “We” had never really ‘made love’ to our wife, not in the way we were ‘trained’ to do.  And “I” wondered: ‘where’ did that training come?  When?  “13” responded – but ‘he’ also said some of it came from ‘before’, meaning from when we were a child (is a 13 year old a child?  he IS 13 years old in my mind . . . but so very knowledgable about this SEX sorta thing . . .)

Long post, huh.  Well, I’m gonna break it down.  Probably need to do a number of post today . . . which reminds me of another thing . . .

We’re supposed to meet another male survivor sometime.  To talk to him; and he to us.  Another thing (wry grim but willing but hesitant but not needing to know this . . . it’s the proper ‘path’ we need to be on . . . but gritting teeth and grinding jaw; parts ‘scared’ and going to have to be ‘dragged’ into this thing . . . really REALLY hard thing to do.  We’ll tell you more about him and me and this and that . . . some time alter on.  (That Freudian typo was supposed to be “later”, BTW – never knew “alter” was in the word ‘later’, LOL!)

Until later,
Jeff & ‘things’ (LOL’ing!  We’re in a good mood, actually – time for some work again.)

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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3 Responses to DID: Opening Doors to the Spouse

  1. Michael says:

    The Shrinks would tell you to repress or suppress your brain with drugs. Things is the mind can not be repressed only the brain. The few therapists that help those that heal would tell you the important thing it to let all express. The good ones do not put the expressing second as it is OK to express as long as you do not hurt anyone. It is important not to hurt anyone if that is the main goal that is the main thing that gets done.

    Throwing things is good. It is always good. There are best ways to do it.

    I do not have a marine. I went to college instead of being drafted. I have Red Beard. He works for money and runs men. He has not been out in the way that he used to be for a long time. That is why we are poor. Smile. Kinda. Thing is he takes over so that is why he has not been out and about. That is not needed right now.

    I do wonder about your wish to go back to the place you were at in PR and how it is not connected to what you went through when you got back. I wonder if it is not an adrenaline thing.

    Very clever with the later alter thing. Perhaps alters are a way to not process until later? One of so many many possibilities.

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  2. jeffssong says:

    Suppressing is not good – however, we cannot be happy when we are mad, LOL. And we – or ‘he’ – can fly into a rage in an instant. We try not to do this when people are there. It scares them. It scared our fellow Marines.

    I was not drafted; I volunteered. It was a way to escape what I had done to myself; escaping my parent’s wrath after what I did to their house (we had a 3 month long party – the house was fine but they were not, and came home on emergency leave – from Europe). To pay (and escape) some bills. LOL – we never do anything major with one decision and one reason behind it. There usually have to be several.

    We were taught to lead men. We were taught sabotage and subterfuge early on. And we were born into military manners and ways. Our Scientist halves handle the other things – they are the logical decision makers; facts and data kind of things.

    One of the things we have discovered and have not written about is our ability to assimilate into a new culture. Apparently this was one of the things we were trained for: being dropped into a new environment and a ‘new one’ being formed – taking over and making friends. Becoming friends with the enemy. Recruiting friends – and then turning on them when the time had come. Leading into guerrilla warfare. Because it was assumed we’d be behind enemy lines: a group of children who had come together to do something. Resistance to the enemy kind of thing. We won’t go into all our training in the Marine Corps and some other things – things we’ve only become aware of in the passing years. However, we try to discount those memories. With some – we don’t even know where they begin. Too many military applications in there. Just gobs and gobs regarding . . . everything. Military strategy and ‘stuff’. Troop deployments; memorizing information; ‘seeing’ things. Stuff like that. And I think you know what I am talking about. Gotta remember: we lived there: right on the front during the Cold War period, with the East Germans just miles away. There were nuclear bombs and stuff. Really dark times back then.

    The PR thing: it is about that ‘togetherness’ (and no, it was not ‘one’ – it was ‘us’ belonging together – operating smoothly and without malfunction – the happiness and joy and stuff – it was really good, a religious type of experience, but far beyond anything I have ever beheld. Really – it was. I experienced infinity and things – the ‘loss’ of . . _everything!_ – down to thought; the ability to form words – words were ‘gone’ – everything ‘went’ – one at a time. Amazing experience – and even better when we ‘woke up’ – I can not even begin to describe it to you. The closest thing I can say is that it was like being God – but without any control over the physics of the situation. Everything went perfect from then on – for awhile – especially when we went home. It was wonderful. Even my wife said: something’s happened. You are not the same being as before. You are happier – far happier – than you have ever been before. You forgive everything – it’s all about ‘the other one’ (meaning other people) – and we loved and laughed and lived so good . . . and then it happened. The 1013. Which really threw a wrench in things – but it also brought some good. It brought me and my wife closer together. It helped ‘us’ realize: we should be okay, embracing this thing; our selves, each other. – who what was for; what they were doing; what their ‘job’ is. Just so much . . . too much to ever explain.

    But that ‘self’ – that feeling . . . no description except to say: it was like god. Or what it feels like to ‘become’ one inside – knowing you are trapped by your limitations and inabiities – but not caring. We had no name – any name would do – time meant very little, for what was time in the face of the infinity we had seen? . . . and the knowledge pouring it – it just came pouring in – about the universe and souls and gods and the purpose in life … so much, too much to explain. And I’ll never ‘get over it’ – nor forget it – for it has given us much peace. We don’t fear death (nor will embrace it) – yet recognize that it’s just another beginning – and who we are. Just made everything better on so many levels, that thing in PR and on …. (smile). I think it was rare – a rarest sort of thing – a kind of gently understanding. And so we’re good to move on.

    Take care, have fun, and will (hopefully!) – being seeing you in a new year.

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  3. Michael says:

    I was trained to lead. I was CIA who thought and still do as military as expendable. CIA controls the drones. They have success if it is a screw up than it is military. Same old same old.

    Some times you have to be very sad before you can be happy and sometimes you have to be really really angry before you are not anymore.

    I have been to what I call the center of the universe. I found it was not where I needed to be as a human and there was always a correlated crash.

    Journey on,

    Michael

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