We have been working very HARD on lots of things – analyzing our DID system, ‘opening up’ to the spouse, dealing with the holidays, working on “ourself” (or selves), etc . . .
If you’ve been following my blog, you will note that ‘we’ have been engaged in a ferocious interior debate about things these past few days (or has it been weeks now? Look: we keep on switching – if ‘you guys’ don’t settle down, we’re never gonna get this thing done! LOL’ing. interior clearing of throat and moving on . . .)
“We’ve” been taking an ‘alternate’ path these past few weeks. After our experience in PR, we’ve been ‘settling down’ – and ‘suppressing’ the system, and going back to ‘our old ways’ – meaning mostly “M3” (adult being) running the system; dampening ‘everybody’ (including their own memories) down – going back to the ‘same old thing’ in a lots of ways – trying to restore ‘order’ – protect the wife; don’t ‘expose’ ourselves, keeping ‘quiet’ – not wanting to hurt our wifie in any sorta way . . . lots of things. This would be what the shrinks would recommend: a dampening down of the system, whether it be through therapy or (more than likely) – it would be through drugs.
Little story from this last Christmas.
My wife was having me ‘paint a brick’. She gets old bricks from old buildings – some of them ‘gone’ – and has me paint a landscape with a picture of the building on it. I was having some lighting / space difficulties, and became enraged. In the process I: squirted half a bottle of craft paint all over the brick – in the kitchen we just had refloored with some very expensive flooring – getting paint spatters all over everything – including my own clothes and the brand new wainscoating – on the chair – everywhere – and I had to clean this thing up – AND get the brick clean again – AND do the painting over again . . . just because of some simple and stupid thing . . .
This is just a baby example of the rages I can go into. Fortunately, I always take them out on myself or something else – like throwing things. REALLY bad about that one. Or I’m into taking an iron pipe and beating the corners of the shipping container. That kind of thing.
But it’s not a good thing. One can not be happy when one is angry – so we gotta change that thing ‘back’ – get ‘rid’ of this thing – get ourselves into our ‘happy place’ – kinda like we were when we had come back from Puerto Rico – which means REALLY going mad – opening ourselves UP to this thing – and becoming ‘one’ with what – and ‘who’ we are inside. And not just that but forcing society to take a LOOK at this thing – what do WE care if they don’t treat us kindly – for ‘they’ never did – and we are financially independent anyway – so what’s it matter? The house is paid for; I’m doing it on ‘my’ behalf – and on ‘behalf’ of everyone – despite some of my ‘parts’ warning . . . and those so many things that we must do . . .
Starting with the spouse is one.
So we went to see her at yesterday and sat down and talked to her as openly as we could, which isn’t to say we were as open as we should be or would like to be . . . there’s trust issues, unprocessed pain and grief – while ‘feeling good’ and smiling – we were close to crying tears of grief and sadness because those personalities from the past were starting to ‘work up’ – but we didn’t. Not right there and then: can’t. But that’s okay. We’ll get there sometime – one day (echo’s of Dorothy’s “Over the Rainbow” going through my head) – and we’ve learned a lot these past few days because we never stop ‘working’ on things.
We’ve been analyzing the hell outta this thing; this ‘going’ DID (LOL, and I was thinking ‘3D-DID’ because we are such a 3-tiered system (somewhat). But yesterday, while we were talking, my wife (somewhat jokingly, somewhat in seriousness), asked:
“Just how many are you inside of there?”
And boy, that deserves another few blog entries just on behalf of that question – for ‘who we are’ are a lot of things. That’s the ‘fun’ and ‘part’ of being DID (though it isn’t much like being ‘you’, the normal person out there, you can kinda relate if you think of your sides and parts as inside, semi-independent beings – “the devil in you” or “your inner child” would be some of the examples). For in ‘us’; well, we were ‘built’ to be a flexible being – able to ‘shift’ our attitudes and emotions, and/or simply damp them down; or closing ‘them’ off entirely sometimes.
And here’s the thing: due to our military past – the things we went through – we became a ‘very special’ sort of being: one with a LOT of flexibility built in. Each ‘personality’ was adapted to handle a certain ‘situation’, and since we moved many times, the situation (and the environment that came with it) radically would change – and so would “I”. And in order to cope with it, “I” had to shut down the other – the ‘old memories’ – that weren’t doing me any good; ‘saving’ only that which was needed at the time: learning to turn ‘off’ those emotions like grief, empathy, and love – because “I” (and we – all of “we” have) – been hurt so many times – and betrayed so many times – that ‘we’ learned to hate it (this thing called love). Or at least some of us did; many of ‘us’ have some pretty severe problems with the whole thing (or is that just my ‘teenager’ speaking right there?) . . .
Which brings me ‘up’ to him. (You in the DID world know what that means; we’ve kinda ‘switched’ right in here; we often do when we are writing about these kinda things). Matthew.
I’ve yet to give my wife the ‘keys’ to handling him – speaking ‘directly’ to him; though she does a lot of the times. She says she ‘gets the sense’ of him (and the child) when ‘they’ are up and around. He can be the smart-ass some of the times; given to being rude; and we won’t even begin to get started on the inappropriate comments he can make sometimes. You are talking here about a teenager who’s been abused – emotionally, physically, and sexually sometimes – wise in many of the ways of the world, and ignorant about human relations. Cruel but kind; he’s killed a lot of animals in his time – both willingly and voluntarily as part of his job as teenager working in the animal labs. That was when he was ‘in the army’ and this was animal labs in the VA. Go figure: he was into that kinda thing – studying to be a veterinarian. But he saved some, too, and treated them kindly until the end.
(sigh) . . . that’s another story; and before ‘he’ became the Marine – who, we are beginning to suspect, is “21” (that missing personality) – IS “The Marine”; which is putting two and two together and boiling it down to one. Which in our case is a ‘good’ thing – this means “21” is sort’ve a ‘split personality’ unto itself – which explains some things (and yes, ’21’ is confirming a bit; he “is” a Marine; but only part of him; Matthew is the ‘other one’ … in the ‘end stages’ of the Matthew being, Matthew became a Marine – which makes sense – when we enlisted we were seventeen. Or eighteen. But seventeen ‘in mind’. Relationships issues and whatnot and so-on.
Did I mention that I was kinda molested one or a couple times by an uncle? I’m not sure if it counts as ‘molesting’. But that’s the kinda kid I am. And it wasn’t the ‘molesting’ – he was almost my own age; I was only a few years younger than him – but the way he did it. He was a transvestite and things. Some really nasty stuff went on there. But we were a teenager and we knew no better and we went along – for after all inside us we are all almost to the one (except for the religious man) bisexual in some kinda way – some to a certain extant one way; some another; but Matthew is the most ‘sexual’ that we have in some ways (it makes sense; he was a horny teenager sometimes – LOL; quite a few times sometimes: we made love to our wife the ‘first time’ seventeen times in one night until my wife stopped counting . . . wore her out, my friend . . . even still sometimes we ‘go’, repeat, go again . . . just to get her off. That’s ‘little Mikie’ my friend in some ways: he loves to ‘get her off’ because he was TRAINED to do that: ‘get people off’ . . . yeah; he was trained . . .
Which brings us to another thing – and we suddenly realized: “We” had never really ‘made love’ to our wife, not in the way we were ‘trained’ to do. And “I” wondered: ‘where’ did that training come? When? “13” responded – but ‘he’ also said some of it came from ‘before’, meaning from when we were a child (is a 13 year old a child? he IS 13 years old in my mind . . . but so very knowledgable about this SEX sorta thing . . .)
Long post, huh. Well, I’m gonna break it down. Probably need to do a number of post today . . . which reminds me of another thing . . .
We’re supposed to meet another male survivor sometime. To talk to him; and he to us. Another thing (wry grim but willing but hesitant but not needing to know this . . . it’s the proper ‘path’ we need to be on . . . but gritting teeth and grinding jaw; parts ‘scared’ and going to have to be ‘dragged’ into this thing . . . really REALLY hard thing to do. We’ll tell you more about him and me and this and that . . . some time alter on. (That Freudian typo was supposed to be “later”, BTW – never knew “alter” was in the word ‘later’, LOL!)
Jeff & ‘things’ (LOL’ing! We’re in a good mood, actually – time for some work again.)