DID: A Way of Thinking

If we were to look at this thought rationally and logically, then yes: DID (dissociative identity disorder) is a way of thinking, that’s all.  All insanity is.  Consider that.  Depression, bipolar, psychotic, OCD – it’s all a matter of the mind – a way of thinking.  Even Alzheimers (a diminished form of thought) could be referred to a way of ‘thinking’ (or not).  That’s what makes me not so much different than you.  I just have a different way of thinking – of seeing the world and ‘myself’ in it.  Of coping and dealing with some things.  So in a way you can say “DID isn’t real”.  However (laughing here) – just ask my other ‘sides’.  Ask a psychologist.  They’ll tell you it is real.  For in some ways it is and in some ways it isn’t.  Just a different way of ‘thinking’ is all it is.

I assume no one is born multiple.  But everyone LEARNS to be multiple.  Society teaches you by telling you “this is right and that is wrong”.  Eventually you learn to control your urges.  You know the ones – and who hasn’t them?  Society sees to that: making sure we all behave, leading us on to become good and productive members of their society by teaching YOU how to countermand your desires and wants.  Stray off course and you get punished.  If not by them then your own self sometimes.  Naturally you’re bound to develop ‘sides’ to counterbalance all that and the hypocrisies society has gotten into. The various views, opinions, perceptions . . . it all builds on you – in you – until you’ve got these ‘sides’ and things.

And those ‘sides’ of you.  The arguments that must go on!  All around you, even when you are not listening and nobody is saying anything.  The arguements in the minds of your friends and family; your acquaintances and co-workers; the man you rode beside on the bus with.  You know some of them: you’re the one who’s having them.  Add to that the ones in your unconscious mind.  Maybe in ours it’s a little bit less unconscious; perhaps it’s because we have a debative (and therefore divided) mind.

But anyway, everyone’s family around here, so we’re gonna keep on talking about this thing.

We learned a lot about a lot of things last year – and did it by ‘ourselves’ once again.  Still ‘doin’ it’ – truckin’ on that endless road towards that endless sunset in that Never-never land of ours; us and “the Boy” . . . forever in our minds is imprinted the impression written on the front of our own book.  (sighing).  Forever wandering in our mind . . .

But it’s ‘just a way of thinking’, you gotta understand.  Sure, there’s others that are bound to ‘take over’ from time to time – but who hasn’t gotten eaten up by a burst of rage or energy, not knowing where it came from (or more than likely blaming on some event that is . . .)

We learned a lot of things this last year, among them is our loss.  And the ‘thing’ with our rage – our ‘fear’ based anger – a sudden ‘fear’ – whenever we are losing anything.  Whether that anger is directed towards us or some inanimate object remains to be seen: there have been times when we have torn ourselves up – cutting and going suicidal and things – simply because we lost another human being.  And there’s been times when we’ve stormed across the yard, screaming and cussing because we lost some thing or this and that . . .

And it came to us:  (this during this last July, when we ‘lost’ something then found it: our precious ‘safety box’ and our ticket to freedom during our confinement in some kind of cult ‘headquarters’ – or rather, where they were just keeping me – and panicked so badly . . . it was a sort of terrible thing, but we were so segregated that we knew just WHERE this fear was coming from . . . it was coming from our little one, little Mikie.  Something happened to him – something terrible – and it involved losing ‘this kind of thing’ – whether something precious, a place, or another human being – I don’t know.  But he lost something which put a precious amount of fear in him – and that fear translates into our anger, for that’s when the Defender, our teenager, rants and rages and throws things – expressing his anger over the thing that’s gotten gone – and his own fear.  I guess someone that’s hurting that child puts that fear in him.  Only it is no fear: only raging.

And there you go: that’s a difference between me and thee and all of my friends – I have a different way of thinking; a screwed up way of seeing things (according to the social rules, that is) – however some of my friends (all of them perhaps) – have at one time or another said: you’re the smartest man I know.  You come up with solutions to things; some of them unique, and unthought of.  You make connections other people can see; you get the root of things.

And they come to me for advice . . . because of the way I can think about things, putting two and two together.

But it’s all in a thought or two.

Perhaps a different way of thinking isn’t so bad.

The problem here is (and here’s what I’m thinking) – everyone is ‘DID’ a bit in a way – one way or another, we all become ‘that’.  Having multiple sides to themselves.  And in some cases psychologists and psychiatrists agree to see them.  And then they get told they have these multiple personality issues going on – which translates into a lot of bucks for some lucky psychiatrist.  Issues going on – four or more years of on-going therapy (preferably on a week-to-week basis) – you are funding some psychologist’s kid on their way to college by the time you are done.  And you are never ‘done’ with this thing.

And (from a psychologist’s point of view) – if a person is DID, then there is something ‘going on’ – or something ‘went on’ – or else that person wouldn’t have these issues.  Convince them there is something ‘bad’ with them – that parts of themselves are insane, depressed, becoming suicidal – or that some parts to them are at war – and you’ve got this thing.  It’s called “MPD” syndrome.  But it’s not really a disease.  It’s a syndrome that some psychologist has given you.  And the only way you are going to get out is on your own.

And that’s another thing I’ve learned: you gotta do it on your own.  No matter what anyone tells you – eventually and ultimately, it is up to YOU to solve this sort of thing.  No one is going to step in to save  you; no one is going to make you LEARN how to ‘feel’ things – not at the central core, the central ‘being’ – the part of the person that is ‘you’.  You have to beleive for these things to become real: things like ‘put this thing behind you’ and ‘learn to let go’ – all of which begins with ‘begin to understand them; then you can go on to forgive them as human beings – faulted, haunted by their weaknesses . . . human beings until the end” . . . and then perhaps you can start to love them, and begin loving all mankind.  Starting with yourself . . . one part at a time.

Wishing you luck this New Year – and on into the next one.  Hoping to see you there: healing, going on this journey with me – going on this journey on your own – both of us trotting side-by-side paths; each different in his own . . .

But even with a different way of thinking . . . know you are not alone . . .

(waving from the bushes next to you . . . bound to be a busy year!  Until Doomsday that is!  LOL’ing going on . . . and no, we don’t believe . . . but we are waiting inside to see 🙂

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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