Lately over this past week I’ve been dealing with the ’emergence’ of a ‘new one’ – or actually an old one – “Thirteen”, one of my alternate personalities. It hasn’t been an easy transition; 13 is a left over from my ‘childhood’ days – the person I was between 13 and 14 years old.
He’s been around a long while (laughing at that; of course he has: ever since I was thirteen – both the age and the personality). He’s the one ‘most’ responsible for developing Matthew, our alternate personality “teenager” who ran things (meaning in professional psychology terms he was the ‘host’ during that time). As a result I’ve got some difficulties – because Matthew has some ‘issues’ with him. After all: he was the ‘father’ to Matthew though he is/was much younger. And I’ve become increasingly aware of him over this past year.
This is something people should realize about someone with “DID” – a ‘younger’ version of gave ‘birth’ to the older versions. My wife has slowly been wrapping her head around the idea; it is (I suspect) confusing to her: that a 13 year old might have ‘given birth’ to a 14 year old (we are suspecting that, too, is an alternate ‘personality’) – who in turn gave birth to our ‘true teenager’ – a guy from 15 until we were 21 (and “21” is indeed another ‘personality’, as well as an indication of our approximate physical age at that time).
In short, “Mikie”, the ‘youngest’ alter (and previous – and childhood – host) gave ‘birth’ to Jeremy (another one of our alters. He was made to live in Germany for a few years) – then “Jeremy” was ‘collapsed’ (or put up, hidden away, made ‘nil’) – while Mikie – now grown into a 12 year old – came back from Germany.
The thing was – things had changed. Read “Culture Shock” – and then read down to the part about “reverse culture shock”. That’s what happened to him. So he made “13” – a temporary personality (though it wasn’t supposed to be one; Mikie thought it would be a permanent thing – wasn’t even aware he was creating ‘them’!) – to handle the stresses at the time.
What stresses? The old neighborhood (“The Hood“) – was gone. Everything had changed. I was living in the house of the guy who molested me for a number of years (we were renting, our old house having been sold.) Our nightmares when we were overseas had come true: everything had changed and all our friends were gone.
Couple that with being in a new school (again). Only this time they placed me in the wrong classes: remedial reading (which I did NOT need; I had a college level vocabulary and reading comprehension at the time) – and advanced math (which I was waaayyy underqualified for – I could barely convert basic fractions to decimals – and never the other way around). I needed remedial math and advanced reading. Somewhere they got it wrong.
Things were difficult and then we moved again. To our new neighborhood; a modern up-to-date one, one with paved streets and things – things like streetlights, kids, a modern supermarket – stores! – just a short walk away. And then again: a different school. God how tired; so tired I’d become of this thing . . .
and then my parents started divorcing.
and then I went insane.
(thirteen) <- the above written by.
(sighing: adult self right now. This is hard.)
But it is “13” we are most concerned about right now – because “he’s” emerging from his cocoon of the past – and with him he’s bringing emotions, feelings, and memories of that time. But he’s a quiet one; comes from a physically abusive childhood (as well as mental torture, social inequality, social mores – everything ‘wrong’ . . . again, from an abusive mentality being inflicted on him). He doesn’t ‘say’ much of anything – but he’s been ‘out’ again (last night), as well as doing a little bit of exploring.
He made love to our wife (accidental, I’m sure! – our fault more than his) last week.
Now: you imagine in your mind a thirteen year old making love to a fifty-five year old woman. And it’s his first time.
Of course we were there to ‘coax’ him – though he’s quite aware of all the mechanical aspects of the thing since he studied it so hard since early childhood. (The school library back then had a copy of “Everything Boys Need to Know About Sex” – and we read the thing, then read the inverse of the thing: “Everything Girls Need to Know About Sex” – because we are Bi and curious and all).
sighing again (adult self again). That’s okay that we’re switching like mad: he’s exploring his new environment – and we are exploring ‘his’. And he’s got “Little Mikie” under the hood driving him on (what a persistent little beggar!) – and our inner ‘child’ self is . . . hard sometimes. And driving.
This is really hard to explain. But it’s so simple to me and some of my ‘selves’.
Look at it this way: you suddenly ‘forget’ and revert to ‘childhood’ – or one of your childhood selves. You have all his (or her) personality characteristics inside, but maybe not so much on the outside (DID persons are expert at hiding this; we have to in order to survive; people will hurt / take advantage of children sometimes – we KNOW.)
And so (it’s funny . . . in a way) – we are standing on the deck last week looking at our house – and suddenly we’re confused (in a way) – we know this is our house – but at the same time looking at it with fresh new (and confused) eyes in a way; going “this is our house?” – and knowing damned well it is – but it feels strange, like something that is not ours. This goes for everything we got / had / done AFTER the age of 13.
Which means our wife is not ours. We don’t even ‘know’ her. And 13 didn’t know her. At first he thought she was his mom (and was leaning towards that feeling) – but WE stepped in and changed to (we are hoping) – or else he has ‘grown’ (we are forcing that as best we can – and trying to ‘merge’ him with another self so we don’t have so many on hand) – but now he see’s our wife as “kinda our/his girlfriend”.
The first time he made love – it was a surprise to ALL of us: he did NOT like it, but went along with the plan anyway – because (in part) little Mikie was ‘driving him’ (because little Mikie – and 8 year old personality, WILL do anything – and is quite used to it – including sex – to please someone. And he loves our wife. Like a mom.). But it was so mechanicalistic, so ritual . . . ‘we’ really didn’t have much fun (no fun at all, actually; it did NOT work out again) – so halfway through we’re ‘done’ – giving up, throwing it in; “he” didn’t like it – so we stopped.
And we learned something about him (he doesn’t like sex, and he likes it ‘straight’ if he’s gonna do it at all) – he’s highly ‘learned’ and ‘skilled’ in giving someone pleasure – but finds it sort of disgusting himself. But he’s getting over that thing (because we are trying to ‘age’ and ‘mature’ him as fast as possible – without pushing ‘too hard’ at this thing).
It’s a difficult ‘life’, a difficult task, balancing this sort of thing. We have to treat our system good – and “Matthew” is/was quite mad (and still is a good bit) that “13” created him – kinda like hating your father sort of thing, because Matthew is quite convinced “13” wimped out by ‘throwing in the towel’ so long ago and creating him; making HIM (Matthew) go all through it – have a ‘life’ and things.
It’s a situation we’re going to have to deal with. How do you deal with an alter who is mad at his previous alter for creating him? We are asking on our behalf; we want to deal with ‘him’ (both Matthew and this young ‘teen’) – so that they both get along and love one another. Thus far they are only uneasy ‘brothers’ in my mind (not a good thing; my brother and I were trying to kill each other all the time) – and “13” is still out and exploring his environment (he came online several times and has typed some of these things). And we are exploring his . . . trying to find out more about this ‘man’, this ‘person’ inside – and wondering what he brings.