DID and Self-Therapy

Whether you have “DID” (dissociative identity diagnosis), borderline BPD (borderline personality), and/or “MPD” (the old term for multiple personality) and you can get no help, what do you do?

Never mind that the help you probably will get (if you get any) is is mostly ineffective – the pro’s can do little to nothing except “manage” your symptoms, maybe give you a few clues.  You might get some drugs to ‘drown’ those voices and remove your emotions while they tell you to ‘hang on’.  Hang on to what . . . I don’t know, and for some of my more troubled (read “abused”) and depressed ‘alters’, they don’t know why they should bother ‘hanging on’ (to life), or ‘hanging on’ at all.  It can be rough.

To give you non-DID’ers some clue as to what this is like, think about this:  You know the internal debating and pondering that you do when faced with some decision – or just thinking.  You use only words.  And while you are thinking about some mundane subject (such as ‘I should take out the trash tonight’) – a ‘thought’ or ‘voice’ pops into your head and says: “I want to kill you.”  Or “I just wanna die.”  Where did that thought come from; coming out of the blue? (and you can take that ‘blue’ both figuratively and symbolically, which will make sense in just awhile).

That ‘voice’ often comes from some alter – and it’s up to YOU to discover why.  Some may want to ‘kill you’ (meaning they want to suicide out); some want to hurt (punishing the ‘others’ inside) – or in my case they might even just say: “I want to kill someone” – but when you examine your emotions and all – there’s no one ‘there’ – no one defined to kill, no reason, no real desire: just this ‘thought’ with no target in mind.  Until you identify which ‘alter’ is ‘talking’ you are just wasting your time.  You’ve got to identify that ‘missing’ self or person inside – and then get to where you can talk to them – and even more important in some ways – them to talk to you.  Not about “killing one’s self” or “killing a self inside” or even killing someone else.  There is no ‘killing’ to be done; you should treat your own alters gently – but firmly, and with understanding in mind.  This is a ‘host’ issue, and I think you other ‘hosts’ out there know what I am saying.  It’s all about ‘getting along’ – not about hating – or blaming – one another for everything – or anything.  It’s about understanding so you can move on towards forgiving those ‘others’ in your mind – which will help you to love ‘them’ and bind them more tightly together – which is what you want to do if you want to survive – and thrive – and BE all you can be.  Because being “DID” can be a wonderful thing as well; trust me on this.  I know: I’ve been there (and trying to recover that state of mind – not of DID; that never went away – but the total acceptance and loving of all mankind – including our own selves).

So what do you do when (as stated) you can get no help with this thing?

Take for example “13”, my latest ‘alter’ to emerge.  He’s a young kid; snide, depressed,  lonely, disheartened, with some serious issues.  He pretty much gave up on life and love and friends when we were thirteen – both physically and mentally.  He was the one who wrote ‘the rules’ on human emotion; despised love (and the pain it could bring) as a human weakness . . . lots of things.  ‘He’ was the one who had such a heavy hand in creating our ‘second being’ – meaning ‘he’ was a transition personality between my ‘childhood host’ (which had been temporarily interrupted during our years in Germany – and ‘Jeremy’, another ‘partial’ host of mine) – and our teenage host who ruled the roost for so long (meaning Matthew, another tough – and emotionally abused – teenager).

So I’m going around with these words in my head.  And for those of you who wonder: why would you WANT to dig up another alter? I can only add:  Because without ‘him’ we are not whole.  Without ‘him’ we are ‘All’ missing something (I’m thinking this is where our envy and jealousy has gone – and who knows ‘who’ – or ‘what’ else is missing?  It’s hard to know if you’ve been so long without the thing – or ‘never had it’ to begin with (which is “me” – I don’t ‘have’ nor know what those emotions really feel like.  They’ve gone ‘missing’ along with some other ‘parts’ of me.  Time to dig in the future; that’s what I need.  And have plenty of. But am somewhat scared of what I’ll find.)

But what do you DO when confronted (or facing, or ‘feeling’) a depressed alter?

Well, you do the same thing a therapist would do: you help them.

For us it works like this.

Unconsciously we ‘created’ a ‘place’ for dealing with “13”.  “His” room (our room) for therapy is one which unsurprisingly enough resembles the room (or ward) from the movie “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” (which I think is kind of funny, LOL!  Fitting; suitable for “him” and “us” – which is important when you are in therapy.  Both the psychologist and the patient must feel ‘fine’ (not emotionally, but within his own environment).

I didn’t realize we had ‘created’ this room for him until “I” looked around while ‘another’ Jeffery, consulted with him (and in/with ‘us’).  “I” (currently the author) am the ‘adult alter’, sometimes called ‘M3’).  I get a kick out of these things: seeing what my mind has ‘invented’ while I have not been hanging around (so to speak; I see ‘everything’ – I just can’t remember them – often without prompting.  For instance; Monday last week was a week ago (barely, almost there) – and yet to me time ‘stopped’ somewhere around Tuesday due to some interference from “13” and Matthew (who is helping him along).

But during ‘therapy’ YOU (the primary host – or something) – ‘sit’ down in a ‘group’ with all your alters (this takes place in your mind: create a mutually suitable world or room for ‘all’ of them – and YOU – to ‘meet’ and talk over things).  You address the alter who is having trouble – and you address those alters who are having trouble with HIM – or her, or it, a dog or a dragon – it doesn’t matter – sit down with ‘them.  And talk over things.  Paint the sky green if you want to (mine is an ultraviolet blue, fading to an ice blue band).  Find the sources and roots of their fears and address them.  See if they are ‘lonely’ and need some support from the band.  Does someone need some hugs around here?

Sometimes it’s up to YOU, the adult host, to take matters into hand; to ‘step up’ and ‘step out’ – and settle this thing (depression among alters, suicidal thoughts and things).  And you’re not going to do this by brow-beating them, or sentencing them to penance or jail (or burying them) in your mind.  Instead you’ve got to call them ‘forward’ – get them talking to you, ‘feel’ them out, examine their emotions and the reasons for them (which are often ‘trapped in time’; not ‘applying’ anymore) – and realize YOU might have to do something for them – help them recognize those circumstances no longer exist; you are ‘there’ for them; you (and your other alters) aren’t going to ‘mistreat’ them anymore – things like that.  Helping them along.

Helping them – and welcoming ‘them’ – into your own family – into your own mind.

’nuff said.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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4 Responses to DID and Self-Therapy

  1. This is such a contentious subject for us… Your words are clear and well understood though.

    Thank you for your continued sharing.

    Like

  2. Michael says:

    As you know I was able to find a therapist. Only took luck and 7 years of my life to do so. Not bad considering.

    I think you are doing incredible work.

    I do most of the work alone in the context of my therapeutic relationship. It helps me to have someone that knows I am working hard and being successful.

    We have places for us. The shed where things get taken apart and put back together. We have places where things get built. We live in one room and have blankets on the windows sometimes to simulate the years with out natural light. We Spend time at an art school which is kinda the school we never had as we were always in MKULTRA school until age 13. We used to have two vehicles.

    We all like to swim. We have two memberships at different pools. We all like to swim in the lake.

    Hopefully this spring we will get our motorcycle going.

    We had to process the trauma. Pretty much could not heal if we did not know somewhat that which we needed to heal from.

    We do not do the help others thing. They are all capable. We just need to get out of the way.

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      “We just need to get out of the way.” This is such a true statement, Michael. “I”, the adult self, often gets in the way – moderating things, including our own emotions, which is one of the reasons I can not cry. The teenager self is not much help with it, either. “We” just get in the way. But it’s hard to ‘remove’ ourselves from the equation sometimes. As I guess you know.

      Like

  3. DollyPopper says:

    “To give you non-DID’ers…– or in my case they might even just say: “I want to kill someone” ” this whole piece is exactly what I’ve been trying to explain.

    You’re insightful, I really related to the amount i was able to concentrate for, unfortunately my concentration is askew so I can’t read it all but i’m sure i’ll be back.

    xx

    Like

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