One Bad Apple

Actually, we should be calling him ‘one bad apple’ – because he isn’t the only one. Nor is he an apple.  He’s a teen-to-preteen; somewhere in there.  And neither is our ‘little one’ – the face behind the shield.  There’s ‘Mikie’, the boy he wants to be (and have the world accept him); and then there’s ‘Michael’, the true little boy who lived so long ago in a different kind of world than you and I.

He was brave, that little one, and adventurous, too!  “A gregarious child,” my mom has described him – and yet that suddenly changed; within one year – maybe less, but no more.

He changed ‘personalities’ the way you and I change clothes.  He cast one off – looked around to see what he needed – and tried on a new set of clothes – another ‘personality’ to choose from.

Meanwhile another one had begun.  “13” – the now or ‘currently’ infamous personality (Matthew has taken a back seat for awhile).  And we’ve learned some things.

One of them is that “13” is zealous about his ‘number’ – won’t let us call him by his ‘true name’.  That, he says, is because he’s a ‘transition personality’ – and has no name.

But that, folks, just ain’t true.  He just feels he matters none; doesn’t deserve a ‘name’ – or recognition; nor face value, not even survival . . .

He’s the one who has been trying to kill us for such a long time.  Not theonly one, mind you, but with serious intent on his mind.

We can remember that one, too – that very first moment ‘he’ cried.  It was in our room overseas?  We’re not real sure. It might have been right after we came back home from overseas and found ourselves living in our molester’s house (though that family had gone).  But I think it was when I was 12; not “13” – when ‘he’ realized the utter useless and futility of everything and anything – the whole of mankind.

The human condition, in other words, with a few thousand sci-fi novel endings thrown in.

They all end the same way.

Mankind is gone.  No one to remember ‘him’.  No one to remember ‘us’.  No one to remember a gosh-durned thing.

The planet would be an empty graveyard by then  – a prediction bore out by our scientists, who have shown we’ve got one or two billion years, give or take some, before this planet becomes naturally uninhabitable by the descendents of LIFE as we know it due to expansion of the sun, weather changes and whatnot.

But here’s the thing: that’s all in the past.  We’ve ‘woken’ “13” up some to the fact he is in a new life: “ours”.  This has been a new difficulty, because some of his issues aren’t gone.

And as thus, he is infecting us with his ‘bad attitude’.  The ‘bad apple in a barrel’ sort of thing.

And here’s what we’ve discovered:  It takes only ONE.  Just ONE of my alternate personalities to ‘feel bad’, ‘feel alone’, left out, depressed, sad – whatever: it affects the system and it affects the whole.

Now normally this is a small problem.  We just ‘seal’ them off until ‘they’ are done – mourning or whatever.  This is not a ‘good’ way to do things, but it’s how we do it.  (We’re supposed to go in and ‘suss out’ his emotions; FEEL them for our own; but when you’ve got a suicidal personality on your hands: BOYS, you’d better be careful!  Especially with ‘this one’.  Because yeah; we gotta gun (got many of them, actually) – though we would never shoot ourselves through the head (seen what it can do – up close and personal.  It’s like sticking a pipe bomb in your head: it explodes.  Everywhere.  And brains . . . yeah; true Zombie time – just laying around.  Been there done that; had to clean up and search through ‘the thing’ (my brother-in-law’s brains).  Wasn’t much left of him after that – and yes, there was a closed casket funeral. Had to be.  There wasn’t nuthin’ left from neck up but this big ol’ octopus looking thing . . . with one eyeball staring out from a ‘stalk’ that hung by his chest . . . (shudders; gross . . . our little kids inside are ugh-ugh nearly crying and vomiting).  And yeah: we had to clean up and look for drugs; make sure he was ‘clean’.

Ah well: you see there?  That’s where these thoughts have turned.  Because just like in a family or a small business – when you take them on vacation they are all there – but if one gets in a sour or bad mood, it affects the whole thing.  ALL of us get infected; albeit slowly because we are able to ‘turn it off’ to a certain extant . . .

That’s what I told my wife; or asked her rather:
“When you are happy – you’re ‘all’ happy.  And when you are sad – you’re sad.  But for me it goes like this: I can be happy – but sad.  Sad – but with a little bit of happiness inside.  And this goes on ALL THE TIME.”

I can wanna kill myself then don’t.  But as long as I can retain my ‘control’ – maintain a majority there – ‘we’ won’t give in.  Can’t give in.  Because the most of ‘us’ wanna live (yet we don’t know why.  If anything, it is ONLY curiousity about what the next day will bring – and we’re losing that slowly.  It’s like an infection; creeps up slowly – or can slam you upside the head when you are least expecting it.

One bad apple in my mind.  Only it’s not a ‘bad apple’ – its some hurt kid; this one who hides behind a number, who feels so damned depressed that at only 13 he was wanting to take his life . . . but couldn’t quite muster up the ‘courage’ (little Mikie – and some others in my mind – were holding him ‘behind’ – and once little Matthew got hold of him, that was the end of suicidal idealation, thoughts, and desires.  That was the end of ‘everything’ emotional in my mind, minus anger and rage (And some like – and occasionally we fell into the pit that was called love – and got hurt EVERY time . . . sighing – which is what made Matthew ‘lose his mind’ – and his nerve – or something).

But hey: we don’t ‘fear’ this because while “13’s” motivations are quite strong, we are able to ‘control’ him – riding roughshod over him if need be; putting him in the ‘time out’ classroom; talking with him – trying to remove this infection in my mind – only it’s not an infection, it’s a “hurt person” – a hurt kid – and so we MUST be kind – while sealing our ears to him; trying to bottle the depression a bit (it’s been affecting – and infecting – our little one) . . . and (LOL, because this is a funny one in a bit): just like Matthew was pissed off at him (“13”) for creating HIM, “13” is a bit tired and sore at Michael (the inner one) for ‘giving up’ and ‘letting loose’ and letting him (“13”) run our mind.  Not that “13” didn’t give up, too – he was supposed to (Being a ‘transition personality’).

So here’s the long and short of a rather complicated situation:

We have an alter who is depressed. Suicidally so. He can do nothing to us except ‘infect’ us with his depression a bit (it’s like having this sad bubble inside).  And this is NOT an ‘idealization’ suicidal thoughts thing; this is the ‘real thing’ kinda thing.  He would blow off our head (or take some poison; or do something equally stupid – and impulsive, which is where he could ‘take control’ – by impulsively coming up and ‘oops!  I took too many Percocets!’ – and then “we’d” be paralyzed to do anything – which is why we have to be careful.  It’s like playing with dynamite that might just be a dud – or not.  But we’re pretty confident of ‘this thing’ (repairing him) – because of what we’ve done and gone through in the past (much much worse depressions with much, much, much MUCH less help and knowledge of our condition).  So we’ll be good.  (Or good enough I suppose.)

However, ‘this’ is what working with alterscan get you: a surprise depression; a feeling of malaise, an apathy towards life, your own life – living at all (which is a good thing; better an apathy than a hatred, which we have had before: Matthew’s problem at one time – and sometimes even still).

We’ll do better, of that I’m sure.  But meantime . . . well, if we’ve withdrawn a bit, I’m sure you’ll understand, eh?

If not . . . (cocked and crooked smile) . . . we’re gonna do it anyway – healing on, moving on, and carrying our little ‘family’ inside towards some better days.

~ An addendum to this thing, posted a little while later:

We went and sat out on the front porch, rocking on our glider – smoking our smoke and looking at our pretty yard (for it is the prettiest one in the neighborhood, with bright twinkling lights and a glowing well with flowers) – and thinking and talking to my alters.  (After all, suicide and depression are serious issues with me – I don’t want them.  You can’t be happy if you are depressed and suicidal and all that ‘stuff’, ya know!)

So we came up with this one (just to reassure you, if not me, myself, and all the “I’s” inside 🙂

It Runs Both Ways.

I’ve got to let “THEM” take care “ME” sometimes – let ‘them’ hold ME, let ‘them’ care for “ME” –

for in all this while of ‘taking care of them’ – I’ve forgot about the “ME” inside; the current ‘hosting’ system; the . . . lost self?  The strange self, for I have no ‘control’ to speak of ‘over’ the system; I just ‘tell them’ – sort of – interpreting the rules, maintaining ‘control’ for the majority.

I am “M3” (the adult being) in other words (LOL’ing here, because I am such a ‘powerless’ – and yet ‘powerful’, for I make many of the decisions) – being in here – trapped alongside in a madhouse sometimes . . .

and just like we were in the insane asylum – I’ve got to let ‘them’ (the ‘patients’ in here) take care of ‘me’.  After all; they did (and do) such a good job. (and they really did ‘in there’, meaning the insane asylum).  Not the doctors and nurses so much – but the patients; we all banded together . . .

So I’m gonna let ‘them’ – and gotta remember TO let ‘them’ – ‘carry’ me for awhile, when need be, when I get tired and raggled with all that is going on (for Life continues after all; there’s things to ‘get done’ … tho’ I haven’t done anything in a little while.)

So . . . cheering up, throwing on a friendly face; realizing that I’ve got more resources inside than I thought I had (meaning all of my ‘friends’; and my little ones sometimes – who I try SO hard to ‘protect’ from these things) . . .

It’s a hard life, but somebody’s got to hoe it.

’nuff said.

Until later on.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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4 Responses to One Bad Apple

  1. The Hobbler says:

    Even if someone doesn’t have DID, I think a lot of us can relate. Just please remember that you are doing an important thing here, and I’m sure in real life too. You survived for a reason you know…don’t let it defeat you now.

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      We (hopefully!) – won’t let it ‘whoop’ us. And (smiling) – yes, “DID” isn’t that far off from ‘normal’. Everyone who is ‘normal’ has their sides, their ‘parts, and engage in inner dialogue. I think the main difference is in the degree of separation, that’s all. DID is just an ‘extreme’ – and mainly built for survival. We’ve been thinking it’s a pretty durable sort of system (it had to be when we were young!). But (sigh) – even now I can hear 13 saying “what reason? what for?” and feeling that pull of his depression, a hopeless sort of outlook. But (Again smiling) – that’s where the self-therapy comes in (another benefit of having a DID system). “We” can jump in, ‘rescue’ things (parts) – and as we’re discovering, have ‘them’ rescue us a great deal. Again: what the ‘system’ was built for (I reckon) – just fine tuning this ancient old mechanism, LOL!

      Like

  2. Kat & Crew says:

    Just to let you know that we are dropping by and we have read all your posts, we’re just rather behind right now. Kat is in agony over her husband/ex, he says he loves her but he can never be her husband again.So he’s sticking with his girlfriend whilst we clean up after him and the destruction of Kat’s desire to live. Its not good for us, not with Kat being this depressed and such, she has most control, and as we have this damn ice wall up we’re so afraid of not being able to step in and stop her should she really lose it. That, and there’s someone else in here who is feeling ‘off’ and well, is constantly suicidal – you know, completely desolute. She’s been there since 15. Oh, and the little, little Ella Mae – you wouldn’t believe she’s 11, she speaks and behaves like a 3 year old, when she speaks – she hates living where we are, and she will physically stop us walking into the bathroom, which really doesn’t help kat’s depression – or sense of self worth. Its odd, thinking about your ’13’ – we had/have one like that, when asked her name she replied, “it doesn’t matter, it’s inconsequencial” (spelling?) – she was nicknamed connie by J (husband/ex).
    Gone. can’t write any more because my/our head has gone dead, my parents have come home, and i am suddenly concious of this big white screen infront of me.
    With love

    Like

  3. jeffssong says:

    Sorry to hear you all are in shambles. Relationship issues are, I think, one of the most difficult things to deal with, DID or not.
    I’ve learned that parts have parts, or can. I’ve learned a lot about parts; the different types and varieties. I almost wonder if your 11 yr old, Ella Mae, contains a 3 yr old within herself. It might even be a case of projection: our little one, Michael, ‘projects’ this persona of himself (in a way – the persona which he has created has taken a little life of it’s own) – one which reflects how HE would like the world to see him, so they will ‘like’ him a little better and not hate him so much. Yet – get this – he is NOT hated at all – but he *really* believes he is, if for no other reason than our mother hated us (and men in general) so often. Some parts are ‘ghosts’ … hmm, have I blogged on this? Yes – but not published! (groan . . . more work to do.) LOL.

    I know Kat is somewhere ‘in’ there, listening, reading, whatnot. I hate to say it, but it’s time to take a realistic look around, pick up the pieces, rebuild – move on with the LIFE thing. Make sure the bills can get paid. A door has closed. That also means a door has OPENED. A new world & life awaits – however, it is up to you ALL to step through. When these *big* doors open – ones like death, divorce, moving, loss of job – it’s a scary (and nasty sometimes) new world ‘out there’. However, you’ve ALL got to have it together before you can actually step through and make a successful transition into a new life. And it can be a better one if you chose it to be. It just won’t be the one you’re leaving behind. Like a friend once said, “It doesn’t matter how many people are in the boat as long as they are all rowing in the same direction.” If you can get the kids – everyone – to look at this ‘loss’ (which it is, and a hard one) – as moving on into a new life – and not concentrate so much on the death of an old one – exploring it together, helping one another (Because you ALL are going to need one another’s assistance and help – big ((( hugs ))) to all of you!) – you can “re-hatch” into a newer – and different – life than the one you’ve had before. And yes: it will be a rough hoe to row sometimes. But accepting this is the “now” – and firmly making a group decision that you ALL want to pursue getting some happiness – and that it CAN be done (I’m proof; I’m pretty much happy, though like any person, we have our bouts with depression).

    I really hope the best for you all because I know it can be done: a DID system *can* get along really well; ‘we’ all can be happy, or at least good and content. It helps a LOT when ‘someone’ is hurting if the ‘rest’ can get in and hug them and help them. There is no ‘sin’ among them (after all; they’re ‘us’, you see) – so we forgive and smile – and work on the tougher issues with them (we have one we really need to work on now – it hurts real bad – but we’re okay, you see? Cuz’ we can ‘get in’ and help that one some. Just gonna take some time <- us reassuring him right there.)

    Anyway – we do need to move on – springtime is a lot of work to do, plus we've got some writing we need to get on. We want you ALL to take care of one another – we know each has their own pain. But sometimes littles gotta help the grown ones, too – help them in moving on; and the big ones . . . well, they got their own job to do. Like living life, and living life large, so everyone can join in some fun. 🙂

    Until later, Kat & Crew.
    Ya'll take care.
    Sincerely,
    Jeff & Friends

    Like

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