Well of Memory; Well of Pain

For many abuse survivors the well of memory is a well of pain, and we all go through periods when we drink too deeply from it.

It is a dark well; a shaft, a hole (appropriately enough) – stone lined and mossy grown; over set with a ancient wood-planked roof – or at least in my head.  The inside is slick with burning slime; too hard to climb out sometimes . . .

There is a dipper there – but no: I used to throw myself down in this hole; this Pit of depression and despair.  I used to go sinking, sinking down into the darkness, without a breath of air nor hope in sight; nothing to carry me on.

And I’d drink from this well of memory; this poisonous well- in draughts and great gulps I’d drink; trying to swallow it in.  I was convince that somehow this would ‘cure’ me – knowing everything.  And then at up in shame and despair I’d vomit up my pain, expressing it though in self-harm issues.  Twenty whacks; thirty whacks – forty at a time – sometimes I’d lay my arm bare like a weed-eater had wild on it with razor blades.

And that was the thing I learned.

Don’t drink drinking from it too deeply.  Like so many survivors I drank so deep I got lost in the Pit of Despair – and girls and boys?  I spent years in it; not a little but a LONG time – every day on the verge of suicide – except when I got high, or was on some adventure that was about to take my life.  I substituted ‘excitement’ and mind altering substances for the word ‘happiness’ – until then even that failed . . .

Drinking from the well of unhappiness; the well of memory – The Well of POISON.  It’s required.  After all: what else are you going to do?  It is a part of you; who you are.  You can’t just shove it aside.  Eventually the waters in that well will rise – and drown you.  And you won’t even know why.

After all: you can’t live without water – (you need those memories; they made you what you are) – but like water, it can kill you inside.  As certain as poison, it can kill you – taking away your emotions, your happiness, your sunshine; your life, your appreciation of beauty, your loved ones, your friends, your job.  Your house, your . . . everything – lost in that well of pain; that well of shame, that absorbed sense of non-forgiveness towards everything in your mind.

I see this so often: ‘new’ survivors (and some of us older ones, too) – ‘drinking’ from that well of sadness, that well of memory too deeply – sinking into it, the Pit of Despair; the feeling of lost and loneliness; the groping in the dark – feeling like the only light that comes is the one that’s gonna hit you with a train, and wishing it would all be over . . .

It can be a painful place.  But then again: drinking from poison often is.

The trick is not to drink too deeply- just a little sip at a time.  Especially when you are first beginning.  Too many survivors want to THROW themselves in – not wading in hip deep or chest deep – but going in so deep they drown – and drowning in the poisonous well of pain is not fun.  It’s really kind of painful and takes a long time.  Poisons of the heart and mind often do . . .

But a sip at a time can make you more immune to this poison – not too much!  You don’t want to lose your mind (that’s usually the first thing to go; right after happiness and desire to stay alive).  Just a little sip at a time.  And when you feel it begin to sicken you – step back, recover your mind.  Come from ‘way back when’ and ‘back then’ to the current time – think about your future.  Think about your mind.

Learn to work within yourself – a little bit at a time.  There’s a such thing as taking too much – and sometimes it’s hard to judge! – but by taking things one at a time (when you can) – and processing them – allowing your feelings to go with them – and if you’re DID like me, helping ‘them’ (the others in your mind) – accept them as well; as truths about you and what they did to you.

A little bit at a time.  That’s what they meant when they said take ‘baby steps’ – drinking from this well of poison, these memories and points in time – immune yourself first – realize: it’s gonna take time.  Don’t go jumping in with both feet ‘researching’ your awful past; take your time with it.  Learn to digest before moving further.  Sure, there’s going to be things on your mind – but don’t ‘concentrate’ on them until the time has come to concentrate on them – unless they are the type of issue you need to concentrate ON to survive. . .

A little sip at a time.  That’s the best way to go.  Cuz’ I don’t want you falling into the Pit of Despair.

Sincerely,
Jeff, et all, and friends.

Advertisements

About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
This entry was posted in child abuse survivor, depression, mental health and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Well of Memory; Well of Pain

  1. The Hobbler says:

    Good advice…I love how you paint pictures with your words. Even if it is a painful picture.

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      If you like that sort of stuff, you should read our book “The Boy”. I’ve been told it’s VERY good; descriptions and characters both. If you would like to peruse it for free, we put it on Fictionpress for folks like me with (little money): http://fictionpresscdn-fictionpressllc.netdna-ssl.com/s/2966002/1/The_Boy I can guarentee you haven’t read anything like it – and like I said: everyone says it is VERY good; a real roller coaster of an emotional ride. And a good love story included. As well as a whole lot of other things. And hey: who knows? Maybe someone will buy the thing (LOL!) Thus far we’ve made $20 – earmarked for child abuse (gonna buy teddy bears for the police to give abused children here in our own city as part of their emergency ‘kit’)

      Like

      • The Hobbler says:

        How much are the books to buy?

        Like

      • The Hobbler says:

        Nevermind, I found it. I’ll probably just but a copy, but I have been putting off housework all week, and am finally doing it, so I’d better not look today, I’ll get too distracted. I’ll look tomorrow, but if I haven’t told you that I bought it in a few days, let me know…I probably forgot. 😉

        Like

      • jeffssong says:

        I priced the durned thing as cheap as they would let me go – there’s one on Kindle as well. Or hey: go for the Fictionpress thing. At least it’s a free read. I know if you’re like me – on disability – the pay ain’t nuthin’ to crow about. LOL – I have a hard time pitching this; part of that damned abuse thing. Can ya tell, LOL! But I sympathize with folks; know how it is. I just think you might enjoy the story; it’s a strange read. But it really IS (between the lines) the real life story of the fight(s) between my alters which took place for years – and yes, we had a battle with love as well. Very nearly lost our life in that one; several times. 😦 Still sad about some things; issues of mine. But hey! (smiling again; DID is fine) – we’re just as happy either way.

        Like

      • The Hobbler says:

        I think I will just buy it. There is another blogger’s book I want to buy too. It sounds like something I would enjoy reading…well, maybe not enjoy, but you know. I’ve had quite a few battles with depression too, but for other reasons. Came close to killing myself before, but I don’t even know if I really wanted to…sometimes things just get overwhelming.

        Like

  2. Michael says:

    For me I had to be in some sort of distress to do the work. This was needed for years. As a multiple if we were not in some sort of distress than we could not do the work as those of us that knew not of trauma would take over.

    It was not about getting to place of total despair rather to live there was a reason for us being so unhappy and we did not know what it was.

    We are not saying that is the only way just that it was the way for us. We had to take the risk or the work would not get done.,

    We often had pros tell us we needed to pace. Those pros never helped anyone heal from extreme trauma.

    Like

Go Ahead. You were thinking . . . ?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s