We’ve been oddly silent on our blog for dayz and I think that deserves a bit of explanation. Long story short, it involves our postings in the Little Shop of Horrors: The Groomed Child Rejected Part I, Part II, and then the third and final time. Only that wasn’t the final time; there was more: there was that Halloween (which we have not been able to even approach), that death (not written about), then another betrayal besides (us betraying him) – just more and more, leading up to a whole string of events which have affected my life beyond measure.
But we’re trying to – or getting ready to (we hope!) – to approach these subjects once again. I cannot even begin to tell you the effects of Betrayal 1, 2, and 3 (that “Groomed Child Rejected Series”). Even in that (what we wrote), we didn’t and have failed to analyze this thing. “Go through it”. The emotionals there – they are outstanding. It ‘feels’ like enough to ‘kill us’ – but the fact is, emotions won’t kill you. Your reactions to them, however, just might. (Try flying off into a suicidal frenzy, or a frenzy of self-destruction sometime – it’s not fun.) And being DID means ‘we’ can’t quite control EVERYTHING all of the time. Too many alters get depressed – we’re in trouble. Too many ‘personalities’ put down (euthanized in a sense of speaking; or at least struck senseless) – and we lose all control. Oh, someone always remains to ‘run things’ – but you don’t want someone who is a cutter, or suicidally depressed. That can ruin the whole thing. (We don’t want to go back into the hospital again!)
So were kinda ‘stuck’ with fighting this thing until it is over – only you can’t “fight” it per se. Fighting it will just get you into trouble. On the other hand – we can’t seem to ‘leave it alone’.
I’m the only guy I know who can die laughing and suicidal – both at the same time. LOL. (Kinda wry there.)
But . . . we do know this much:
The events that happened then – betrayal 1, 2, 3 and 4 (were there more? I doubt it. But I don’t know) – those affected my relationships not just ‘some’ – but to a MAJOR degree forever on. We learned not to ‘trust’ someone; nor trust their love. We learned ‘intimacy’ can be a terrible thing: it can lead to someone hurting you, and hurting you real bad.
We learned some other things as well: things to do with painful rejection – things a CHILD should never have to learn.
We’ve been circling this issue (And here – the above sentence – HURTS – the emotional pain) – like an anxious shark nursing her children – wondering whether to eat them or let them be (meaning ‘put them out’ – an unsuccess notion that we have tried in the past – or travel ‘through’ the pain with them – a new frontier; and therefore hard and scary, both.)
Part of the problem is nobody is here. And I mean that quite literally. This is something a ‘therapist’ would try to handle; our wife, however, is unqualified for the job, and in many senses, so are ‘we’ – since “all of we” must experience this ’emotions’, these losses, this pain – and take a good rational look at what it did to us down the line – and figure out how it affects us even NOW, today (our social isolation thing – while at the same time being quite gregarious sometimes) – because it put quite a hole in our relationships, it affected us quite badly and quite sadly for a long time to come; it hurt us in other ways which we have not discovered, it led us down some really bad rabbit holes (where we just got hurt, traumatized, and abused even more) – had some sex with some guys we shouldn’t have – didn’t have some we might have – a lot of ‘things’ went wrong.
All from these little ‘instances’ – a chain (quite literally!) of abuse – happening time after time; a slow escalation – the ‘change’ – that slap-in-the-face kinda thing that happened in that puptent (you oughta read “A Used Condom” for our state of mind – how it felt – on that) . . .
But what occurs to us most is THIS is one of the reasons you don’t have sex with children; why it hurts them so much:
Because when you ‘break up’ – they don’t understand.
I know we didn’t. And because of that – we got hurt.
After all: what’s a ten year old boy know about ‘growing too old’, drifting apart – things like that? All he knows is someone who loved him – hurt him in every way imaginable to his young mind.
And it happened over and over again, time after time – until it stopped happening at all. And in some ways – that total “loss of love” (no matter how wrong) – the teenager dumping us for someone other (because we were too young? too old? his taste changed? just the times we were in?) – that hurt.
You should never harm a child. And forced good-byes – rejections by scorning “their love” – making them feel ‘they’ aren’t good enough – they didn’t ‘perform’ good enough – then sending them on (sighing) – with a kick in the ass to go and recruit more kids …
None of this is good.
And so you see: we’ve been ‘tied up’ in our mind – working on working out a story or two for the wife that’ll address this thing (though she never says nothing about our childhood) – so we’ll see.
It’s just a ‘hard time’ for me and some of my ‘others’ – injured (emotionally) children inside – and yes: when I “feel them” – I feel right back in THAT time – and it is working with ‘them’ in my mind – showing them that “I” won’t dump them (again – because I “buried” the F outta them a long time ago; when I was a teen) – giving them that faith and hope to ‘go on’ and be a kid – and be an okay one – is a really hard thing to do.
Wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But (wry smile again) – that’s what I was ‘built for’ I reckon – curing my own mind. If I got to – and have to – I’ll try.