Hindsight is not always 20/20.
When you are examining yourself to try to find out what went wrong – where, how, why, in order to understand how it can affect you today – sometimes you have to stand away from the Timeline, start seeing the forest and the trees for what they are: one gigantic structure. Only this one is called “your Life” (and mine – I must include myself in these measurements, for I am human, too).
We have been doing that somewhat; albeit in a different way; a side-long sort of manner – by beating the bush we’re hoping to define it and see what comes flying out our way.
You see, for a long time ‘we’ have known there is something ‘wrong’ with us; something fundamentally went ‘wrong’. It has to do with love – and our hatred of love (despising it sometimes); hatred of women (pretty sure where THAT one went wrong; has to do with our mother; our shining example of that thing (the hatred of love) when ‘we’, our inner selves (“13” is included; he ‘dreamed up” this sort of thing) decided to build The Machine which housed our teenager self (Matthew being one) which excluded all kinds of emotion. Except hatred, loneliness, despair (sometimes) – rage (not very often; we learned to control that one fairly early – though we could – and still can – fly into a prime example of ‘raging’ – though we never lose control. Not completely, anyway. Not 100% into it.
But where? What went wrong? Was it the way we were raised? Okay . . . maybe that has something to do with it, being as we were – or so we’ve been told, over and over again until it makes my ears hurt to hear this thing: “you were an abused child. You grew up in a hard and terrible environment, and some pretty weird shit happened to you. Over and over again.” And on and on ad infinitum ad nauseum ad despair ad frustration and add a few other things.
And so many things ‘went wrong’. Just to name a few: one of our parts hates women; really a passionate desire – not to hurt them in any way; just despises them – but actually loves them quite passionately beneath the surface. Talk about your angst torn teens! Then there’s “13”, devoid of any emotion but grief. And that teen . . . getting back to this thing . . .
You see – you can get into examining the trees so close – looking at your Timeline and saying: “Here. Here. And Here. This and that happened.” And examine the consequences of each thing. Saying “Yeah, right here I learned not to trust in this stuff, this person, this sort of thing.” Or “Here he comes again, get ready for (fill in the blank right here with your own notion or description of something abusive that happened to you. Or fill the “he” in with “she” and you got another difference of opinion, insight into ‘our’ thing.)
But each one – taken together, they can form a larger chain of events in your life than you realized; some major impact – little bits at a time.
Just like they say healing can occur in baby steps, abuse can too. Little baby steps taking you – this young child, by the hand and leading you down this wrong road. The abnormal one. The one most people didn’t experience – and most people don’t want to. (And yet they envy me sometimes: “How can you know this or that?” Simple: I went through it too. It got wearisome after awhile, being in the chat rooms, and seeing so many of my own issues reflected in the words of so many others – and how cruel! – those were not the only issues they had, but mine . . .
However, we have been looking into things, taking it one step at a time. Looking at this; poking at that – like a blind man. But gradually we got our sight. At least some of it. And now we can see what was going on – at a long distance from the timeline, over a long number of years. How one thing led to another – which led to another, then another – which finally led to us ‘doing it’ – shutting down and shutting off some things in our life.
And it went on for nearly twenty years, off and on. It affects our lives today. It has affected the lives of everyone I’ve touched or met or even been with and talked to. It gives me ‘feelings’ in a different way than ‘you’, the “norm”.
And there are so many issues. What help is it to know my aversion to touch is because I’m seeing it as something sexual sometimes? I still can’t change that thing: that initial inner flinch and jump (it used to be on the outside, but I’ve grown a bit more inured to that thing). A stare in the eyes. Don’t do that to me; not if you want to remain friends – or want to get a whole hell of a lot more friendly in a hurry than I am. It’ll make me distrust you. And while I don’t lie very often, I look all around almost all the time whenever I’m in a new environment – checking EVERY detail. Looking for items of interest, resources, and threats. Even while I’m talking to you. (It’s got me in trouble before. They thought I was lying. My body said not, though, by the time they were done with their physical examination of me. Just a note they made: doesn’t make eye contact for very long. And that’s because I have better things to do. Like situational awareness in my environment – an old hanger-on from early childhood.
But stepping away – for instance: we have found where a set of major issues came from: our distrust of love, and our ‘acceptance’ of the fact that “Everyone goes away. Every time.” Cuz’ they do: they always have, forever and ever, every time. (All except my wife: she remains a long constant in my life now; 25 years and counting.)
And that getting mocked after making love to him: how was a child betrayed by his own love supposed to see this thing? It affected his own desire to have love even more than to give it. It made him hate himself for this thing: wanting some love sometime, or something that might have given him a little comfort . . . and then the teenager used him; scorned him after rejecting what he, the teen, had ‘made’ and created in this lonely child . . .
It’s taken us a long time to see this thing. And it explains quite a bit: failed relationships; relationships that never got off the ground due to ‘us’ and our fear; our hatred of the ‘softness’ of relationships (soft was how you got hurt); hatred of love – using and in some ways abusing somebody one time; hurting others by refusing to love them – or show our love for them (which hurts more than you think. We lost an entire family of children that had come and saved us in some ways due to that thing).
It mucked us up big time in a lot of ways – and a lot of it’s water long gone. We’re not drinking from that well again. It’s been capped and closed – by Father Time if no one else. (sighing with a bit of despair: have YOU ever lost a family? One that you cherished and loved more than life itself? We have. . . . it was a gamble and a choice and we took it and lost in many ways – lost more than we gained).
Another crippling blow from life; it’s like running around without a leg. Laying in a ditch somewhere wishing you were dying. But you can’t. You just gotta pick yourself up and keep on walking . . .
to wherever the road leads you . . .
Hindsight’s not 20/20 . . . when you are half blind.