Well, it happened. We finally made some progress on some things: resolving some issues regarding our emotions, why we feel some things – and feel some things we don’t like to feel, such as a hatred of love. This does not extend to ‘all’ of my selves; just a few of them – and like any hatred, it stems from some fear: that we will be rejected again.
This is not an uncommon fear among mankind, and it stems from a survival instinct. The fact is many can survive while one can’t by pooling their resources and talents. That’s what civilization is about. Joining one helps ensure your chances of survival; rejection could be certain death. Think about those tribes and things from our ancient pasts. Our instincts derive from there.
It is hardwired into your chromosomes; your genetics and your mind: man (as a species) is a social animal. This blog – and if you are reading it – is an example of this thing.
But what we have learned is something special – to ‘us’, anyway – because now we can modify our emotion when we get ‘this feeling’ – and perhaps our occasional hatred of mankind (something our mother shares and has taught us; she and we were just talking about it today). I can know where this emotion came from by examining what happened in that tent; what happened before: the competing for our molester’s affections (him making us compete against ourselves for the ‘honor’ of doing him) – the gradual hints of rejection there by someone that we loved – and believed loved us in a very intimate way (all sorts of ways, actually – more than we knew).
And he rejected us: ‘broke up’ – but “mean” – meaning in a “mean” and cruel fashion – like a teenager would. The fact that he was not exposed when he did so while then admitting it in public tells you something about “the ‘hood”. Perhaps, as one of my psychiatrists said after meeting me: “It was a very sick place.” I don’t know. It was my childhood, and I grew up there.
Here’s the thing, though: knowing hasn’t ‘cured’ me. I will still feel that sudden onrush (or slow build) of emotion (due to some perceived neglect, slight, leaving or betrayal) – but now I know the source of this ‘false’ emotion because I KNOW where it came from and why it is there.
Here’s an excellent example, and just one of many in our lives:
Our daughter is grown and gone, and sometimes we have hated our love for her; we feel betrayed.
Our wife sometimes ignores us; we get this bad and angry feeling.
Where did those come from?
Someone gets close to us – we retreat. We do not trust this emotion called ‘love’. Never did. How come?
Some of those questions have been answered for me – finally. I can lay those questions to rest – but the effect remains. Will remain. But at least now I can compensate for it. I can know – as soon as I feel it coming on, I can step back and analyze myself – ‘feel’ the ‘part’ that is responsible for it – and sit down and reason with ‘them’ (or it, or ‘me’ in a way) about what is going on. That this is not “IT” – the thing in the past; and therefore there is no need or cause for this emotion. That “yes, she’ll be coming back,” or some type thing.
By asking why – about a million times – and writing it down about four (and there were four separate ‘events’ or ‘stories’ to be gone through – plus a whole bunch of other stuff – and it took us about ten or fifteen years – and we did it ourselves! (BIG smile there) – we got to the root and hopefully somewhat towards a good ‘conclusion’ to some issues within ourselves. This is a good thing and calls for a celebration . . .
I think I’ll go have some Cheerios . . . with a banana. That’s about big enough for now. (big smile)
See ya later on.