Why Ask Why Again

Well, it happened. We finally made some progress on some things: resolving some issues regarding our emotions, why we feel some things – and feel some things we don’t like to feel, such as a hatred of love.  This does not extend to ‘all’ of my selves; just a few of them – and like any hatred, it stems from some fear: that we will be rejected again.

This is not an uncommon fear among mankind, and it stems from a survival instinct.  The fact is many can survive while one can’t by pooling their resources and talents.  That’s what civilization is about.  Joining one helps ensure your chances of survival; rejection could be certain death. Think about those tribes and things from our ancient pasts. Our instincts derive from there.

It is hardwired into your chromosomes; your genetics and your mind: man (as a species) is a social animal.  This blog – and if you are reading it – is an example of this thing.

But what we have learned is something special – to ‘us’, anyway – because now we can modify our emotion when we get ‘this feeling’ – and perhaps our occasional hatred of mankind (something our mother shares and has taught us; she and we were just talking about it today).  I can know where this emotion came from by examining what happened in that tent; what happened before: the competing for our molester’s affections (him making us compete against ourselves for the ‘honor’ of doing him) – the gradual hints of rejection there by someone that we loved – and believed loved us in a very intimate way (all sorts of ways, actually – more than we knew).

And he rejected us: ‘broke up’ – but “mean” – meaning in a “mean” and cruel fashion – like a teenager would.  The fact that he was not exposed when he did so while then admitting it in public tells you something about “the ‘hood”.  Perhaps, as one of my psychiatrists said after meeting me: “It was a very sick place.”  I don’t know.  It was my childhood, and I grew up there.

Here’s the thing, though: knowing hasn’t ‘cured’ me.  I will still feel that sudden onrush (or slow build) of emotion (due to some perceived neglect, slight, leaving or betrayal) – but now I know the source of this ‘false’ emotion because I KNOW where it came from and why it is there.

Here’s an excellent example, and just one of many in our lives:

Our daughter is grown and gone, and sometimes we have hated our love for her; we feel betrayed.

Our wife sometimes ignores us; we get this bad and angry feeling.

Where did those come from?

Someone gets close to us – we retreat.  We do not trust this emotion called ‘love’. Never did.  How come?

Some of those questions have been answered for me – finally.  I can lay those questions to rest – but the effect remains.  Will remain.  But at least now I can compensate for it.  I can know – as soon as I feel it coming on, I can step back and analyze myself – ‘feel’ the ‘part’ that is responsible for it – and sit down and reason with ‘them’ (or it, or ‘me’ in a way) about what is going on.  That this is not “IT” – the thing in the past; and therefore there is no need or cause for this emotion.  That “yes, she’ll be coming back,” or some type thing.

By asking why – about a million times – and writing it down about four (and there were four separate ‘events’ or ‘stories’ to be gone through – plus a whole bunch of other stuff – and it took us about ten or fifteen years – and we did it ourselves! (BIG smile there) – we got to the root and hopefully somewhat towards a good ‘conclusion’ to some issues within ourselves.  This is a good thing and calls for a celebration . . .

I think I’ll go have some Cheerios . . . with a banana.  That’s about big enough for now. (big smile)

See ya later on.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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2 Responses to Why Ask Why Again

  1. Marty says:

    Jeff it is fine to let that go, accept you survived and are here with us, living in spite of what you have endured, please relish the praise I have for you.

    celebrate you get up and risk, strive to be and live life. relax, it is not what we achieve, it is what we endure and keep our true self, unharmed, untouched by any of their crap.

    no one knows how much you have overcome but I have a damn good glimpse and you have great willpower and courage.

    marty

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      Letting the incident go isn’t a ‘big’ problem; we are no longer ashamed of our abuse history and past. And we were ‘cured’ of a lot of things this last year – accidentally, I am sure!. But I’ll take my cures where I can find ’em, LOL!

      But you say a key phrase: “Keep our true self unharmed . .”. And that is the thing. Our true self WAS harmed, and grievously. Certain emotions, perceptions, and feelings were ‘warped’ into distrust, hatred for and despising love – correcting these ‘warps’ in personality – it’s more than just shuffling it back to the past when it affects your behavior today. It means building a system of self-correction whenever our thoughts or behaviors go wrong. A ‘part’ realizing that what ‘they’ are attempting to do is a response to a past event, and not the current one – the one before ‘them’ and ‘us’, I mean. It’s a very important thing to me as I keep my eye on the end goal, the brass ring: true happiness (or at least contentment) that springs from inside – ALL the time. Because I know it can be done – and thank you. We are working hard on this – a lot, LOL! Until later . . .
      Jeff & Friends

      Like

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