Sex With Kids: Forced vs. Coaxed

It’s an issue which has perplexed me for years; confounded me some, gotten me in trouble when people – including survivors who have had different experiences have misunderstood – and how many! times have I thought about it: the difference between being ‘forced’  – that is physically held down, overpowered and/or struggling – or as a smart child once said, “doing nothing because to try and fight them would have caused further trouble – and wouldn’t have saved (spared) me in the end” – and “me”: a ‘dirty’ child; one who was into having sex – plenty and often, especially with my abuser, but often with my own peers – going along with them all the time, over and over again . . .

Of course I know NOW that what I was doing was rather simple: trading my body (sex) for the feeling of being loved, accepted by some others – what I used to call “the feeling of skin” (because as children we were often bare; only shorts, some cutoffs – and we came to associate the feeling of ‘skin on skin’ as something pleasurable and good – and the feeling you would get before, after, and during this act that we did NOT call ‘making love’ – but it sure felt like it sometimes . . .

That’s one of the big things I’ve noticed about the difference between “making love” and “having sex” with someone.  In the first case it is about giving pleasure to somebody – and in the second, it’s about your own.  To ‘me’, I was trained early on, as a young child (about 6 or 7 or so) that ‘giving pleasure’ was the thing; that ‘giving someone THIS kind of pleasure’ was the greatest thing – and I got pleasure from doing that thing: giving someone else pleasure – just so long as they would go on ‘loving me’ – whether that be through physical acceptance, not driving me away – not “USING” me in any way (not that I could tell, anyway) – but there’s a BIG huge difference in doing that – being coaxed and cajoled – and then trained – and being held down and raped – or even being forced to have sex without being asked.

I know from times with my wife (because after 25 years you’ve had these kinds of times) – there are times when you reach out and hug her (or him, if that be the case) – and they just lay there frozen.  Or just don’t do anything: the cold, no-response kind of thing.  Oh, they’ll let you “do it” if you want to or if you insist (or persist) – but that doesn’t mean they’re into doing it.  They’re just doing it to satisfy you and get it over with as soon as they can . . .

Sometimes being raped as a child can be like that kinda thing . . . I know there’s been times – not in my young life; those were to come later – the result of me doing some wrong thinking; some bad decisions – and the inability to say ‘no’ to sexual advances sometimes . . . I wanted to roll out, say NO – but instead I went along with it, doing my thing . . .

However, when it comes to differences between a child like the one I was – kinda trained and learned not only to ‘go along with it’ but to actively seek and crave it – vs. one who is held down and raped – or forced into prostitution, or in any WAY against “their will” (perceived) and instead being led and tricked into wanting it . . . it makes a strange sort of difference: this knowledge we ‘chose’ it sometimes.

After all, we could’ve always said “no” to him – and we didn’t.  Part of that stems from our desire to try new things; discover the world, and all that lay in it (a Commandment given to us at birth almost) – and our inability to say “no” to this kind of person (an authority figure who’d been given power over us) . . . that was a big one right there . . .

Being attacked and raped is a whole different thing.  And years later when it comes to dealing with the ‘abuse’ – it gets rather confusing.  The “shame/blame game” comes into play.  I know this is a real problem with some abuser’s victims: the “I am ashamed of what I did, what I volunteered for; what I got down on my knees and cried and begged for sometimes . . .” (that last one was me, by the way . . . one time.  But I learned.)

I do know in the latter case (of the victim who is coaxed and groomed into loving his molester ‘that way’) the molester can break the victim’s little heart when the molester decides it’s time or he wants to move on.  Especially if he does it cruelly.  Little children don’t understand those kinds of things . . . and it still hurts: outgrowing your abusers; seeing him going after younger children . . . leaving you behind –

and then, of course, you feel ashamed of that kind of thing now; how are people / what are people gonna think of you?

Really, I don’t care – we’ve gotten ‘over’ a lot of the shame/blame kind of thing – no longer ashamed of us or what we were led into; what we did, how we were doing it.  In some ways (meaning the splitting of our personalities) – it did no harm. “WE” did not split because of THAT sort of thing.  It was the physical / mental / emotional e.g. social abuse and all the moving around … having to rely on our own resources all of the time.  There was no help for us kids back then; or at least none of which I was aware or am aware of at this time – though I suppose there was . . . but nobody told us and we never thought to ask – another kind of child abuse ‘thing’ . . .

But I can’t help but wonder: would I feel more rage and anger as some of these survivors do?  Would I feel more – or less ‘ashamed’?  (A lot of shame, you must remember, is based upon your personal perceptions about how OTHERS see you – another issue in which we don’t care anymore.)  Would I feel more or less guilty about some things?  How has it changed my life, my perceptions, my own reality?  How is it different from “yours”?  Only by comparing the differences do I know how close I am to ‘baseline’ (or ‘normal’, in other words).  Just some of the questions I wonder about and ask.

Ah well – the differences even among us survivors (and you thrivers out there!) as as unique and different as each one – and yet there are, I am sure, some commonality among differences – e.g. the twists and turns between being abused, raped, molested, “going along with it” or forced and held down . . . makes all our paths a bit different . . .

and yet – intertwined.

 

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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10 Responses to Sex With Kids: Forced vs. Coaxed

  1. They say “hind sight is 20/20, actually it is as blind as it chooses to be. I say you were still in the midst of survival mode. We are made to survive at all costs. And we do what any of us have to do to survive. rest gently please. dusty

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  2. Friavida says:

    I cannot click the “like” icon. Simply because this is a very well written piece, about someone’s life – your life, and the painful process of growing up that you went through. This is something we can’t change but how I wish you did not have to go through that. It shaped you. It made you a better person. It also broke you somehow. But then again, do we really need to go through these ordeals to be able to live a straight life? Sad. I admire your strength, faith, and courage to move on and survive. Viva to you!

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    • jeffssong says:

      (wry smile) . . . ah, but what would we have become? Given the proper encouragement, love, support – the educational background . . . talents galore, some IQ – could we have been better, HAPPIER? I don’t know.

      I do know that the effects have been and still are bad in some ways; really bad. There are ‘parts’ of us we have to restrain, smother, cover, ignore, ‘put away’. There are things we don’t like – but can’t seem to dispose of; however, recognition of what was done keeps from from harming someone, which is important to us. We strive to be the best we can be; even more so than some other folks. Perhaps sometimes we ‘swing’ too far in the wrong way: too loving, too trusting, too kind, and way too forgiving (e.i. “understanding”) – that last according to my wife. But . . . while it hurts, it seems the human thing to do. In everything it seems there is a lesson – and a burden – and a blessing to be had. It’s just getting it … better. That’s about all I can say, LOL! Thanks for dropping by, and your kind words. When I look at some aspects of my life I can but shudder, thinking of what we could have been: something a whole lot worse than we are.

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  3. Noel says:

    Very delicate topic. I used to work with some children who have been sexually abused in the past. It involves a lot of therapy.

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    • jeffssong says:

      LOL, Noel – you know us: Devil’s Advocate Extraordinaire! LOL. Can even argue “pro-abuse” sometimes – but “I” frown on it. A logical argument assumes no harm comes to either party; arguing that one can get ‘me’ into trouble.

      To me the big question revolves around the “guilt” thing so many survivors often feel; the shame and self-blame for ‘asking’ vs. the physically forced. “We” as a society are taught rape is when sex is forced upon someone (although that definition just recently extended to men – a long time in coming – and ‘we’ will ignore the ‘pun’.) If I had been held down – physically restrained – gang raped or something – I could see the anger and the hatred I see sometimes by victims. But with males, men – I see sometimes some of us “went along” – and as a result it gives a certain set of problems, or a hard twist on a set of common survivor symptoms. I know some survivors have blamed themselves for being ‘passive’ – not resisting – and THAT I can ‘see’ sorta well. “We” went ‘passive’ … I don’t know because there are times/things I don’t know about – but to ‘know’ what it felt like without knowing the event? We stay confused (bemused).

      You always have a very astute observation, and we want to thank you for that. It is a very delicate subject – unfortunately so. I wish people felt they could be more open about it, their opinions, what happened . . . ah well, people are people, eh? What’re ya gonna do? LOL!! Thanks – and until later. 🙂

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  4. Michael says:

    I really work with I have to go with how it was for me. The abductions off the street when I was brought back to the same place were easier. It makes sense to me. Less confusion and more of a feeling of escape.

    Standing up and then getting beat down further is something I am glad we did. We have that.

    I was OK with the prostitution. It was much better than before that. The way it is for me. I remember once they brought in an out of towner. He and she were Asian. I wall all put out that they got the attention. Jealous of another child prostitute

    There the aspect of a body that is not at all normal. It is not producing the same hormones in a body that is developed the same. In my case I was the smallest kid out of 250 in the 9th grade and that included the girls. I am now 5′ 8″.

    It seems that sooner or later I come to how it really was for me. I grieve and then it is on to the next thing.

    Lets face it not many people get to evaluate which is being better raped by force, a group, etc etc.

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  5. jeffssong says:

    “I have to go with how it was for me.” A statement that tells the truth of it all. Each person’s experience is different. I did not go through prostitution, therefore I can not have a clue as to how that is except through my own experiences in being ‘used’ (which we understand a (bit). The jealousy I can understand; we were jealous when he chose another over us. We detested recruiting children for him. But we did get a laugh – not at you, but simply at your situation through a benefit of understanding the ‘jealousy’ thing; being jealous of another child getting all the “attention”; albeit sexually so.

    I was fine with the molestation until “he” started to push me away; then betrayed us. That betrayal messed us up but GOOD; glad it didn’t happen more often, otherwise we’d really be a REAL mess, LOL! Kids don’t understand breakups; being rejected by one they’d loved in ‘that’ way – who not only let them ‘love’ them in that way, but taught them, trained them, and led them along into ‘what feels best’ kinda thing.

    We cannot do grief very well because we can not shed tears. It feels too much like pity; and we can’t stand pity. Ditto “Self-compassion”. We have gotten a little bit better at being compassionate towards our inner selves (children). But we have to be careful. We can get into trouble. Too much leads into the self-harm thing; plus it HURTS and doesn’t feel good. But . . . that is the purpose, eh? Bleed it out quick and ‘easy’ . . . or slow and painfully. Either way it sucks, and we can see no purpose in the grief. It’s too late now is our understanding of this thing; no sense crying over milk spilt over the damn dam kinda thinking

    That last sentence you put is a real kicker. “Lets face it not many people get to evaluate which is being better raped by force, a group, etc etc.” LOL, we’re not looking at a “better” here; just a difference in effect

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  6. subtlekate says:

    Does the guilt every go away? I don’t think so. I don’t think they want it to.

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    • jeffssong says:

      Yes Kate, the guilt can go away. We’ve managed to remove all of it, or at least 99.8% of the “guilt” of having ‘been abused’ (as society wants to define it), or ‘going along’ (as we tend to see it sometimes) – because we know the reasons for ‘their’ (our inner child’s) behavior; why they and we did ‘that thing’. Understanding it helps a lot; internalizing that knowledge, however, is difficult to do. How we did it? I don’t know, not really – it ‘just happened’ – but in part is was by embracing our inside selves – understanding THEM; their reasons, their environment. Now we just feel really sad for them and try to provide the best ‘house’ and loving hosts that we can. After all: ‘they’ are us and ‘we’ are them; just a family in a way, and ‘seeing’ those parts as little children in MY (the grownup part’s) family … well, I would never treat abused children the way I did “mine” – and it took some work, but the ‘other parts’ agree. I guess our teenager ‘Matthew’ grew up some and now sees these little children as his little brother, friends – hurt children (just like him) – and understands what they did they did due to a loss of love – and now we give it to them. 🙂

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