So we’re off on an impromptu trip . . . there’s reasons for that. Just a spontaneous kinda thing, tho’ we’ve been thinking about it for a ‘long time’. We’re off to see our daughter and a few other things – just for something to do – and avoiding issues.
LOL, we could write several blogs a day as some of our blogger ‘friends’ do – “we” have so many subjects bouncing around in our mind all the time there’s been times we wished we carried a recorder (we have one; an MP3 that holds several hours . . . we should think about using the dusty old thing. We used it to record several conversations when we got locked up last fall . . .)
But the truth of it is, we’ve come to a ‘standstill’ in our healing; a balking at going ‘forward’ – getting a gasp of air after the last step we’ve been through.
I sometimes wonder what the world would have been like if there were no ‘childhood survivors’; if everyone had had the ‘perfect life’.
Getting abused as a child is like getting a kick in the nuts at the starting gun – after all, how in the hell can you ever win ‘this race’ if your down on your knees vomiting and holding your groin at the starting line? Us childhood survivors have a lot of ‘making up’ to do – lost time due to time (and money – another loss to us that others don’t find: therapists don’t come cheap; neither do the drugs) – time spent in having to ‘heal’ – a lifetime perhaps; lifeTIMES even in some cases (which in a way is what us DID’ers are doing; the true ones who have several lives in you; not just the plain old dissociation thing (you know; the fuzzy feeling of being disconnected; ‘we’ can get that way, too . . . )
But you start out missing a knee or something; a foot to stand on; your heart. “We” could’ve been brilliant in the science field (we’re still pretty good) if we’d had the right ‘direction’ and hadn’t had to struggle to survive – ‘we’ didn’t have any help. “WE” pulled our own selves up by our own bootstraps – from the gutter of poverty; from meth addiction; from childhood abuse, from a bad and poor education; from having no ‘homeplace’ to call our own; very few friends to rely on, and then never very long (we kept on moving) – we have the bankruptcy papers from when we were 19 or 20 or so (and discovered to our astonishment and horror that bankruptcy actually COST something – we were too poor to go bankrupt! – not having the money to pay the lawyer, we found a lawyer who took one look at our situation and finances and said: discount – you do the paperwork – which mostly consisted of big “X’s” and “N/A’s” . . .
and when it came down to it the judge looked down at me and said:
“According to this you have three dollars and fifty cents in your pocket, and the clothes that you have on.” And that was it: no job, no car, no place to live; only my boots . . . I got proof of this thing.
Funny thing: it wasn’t over money; it was about the law. We had to pay a 10K fine for driving without insurance – or lose our license for a year – and no license, no job. So we did an unusual thing. And it set a precedent that had to be sent and decided in Atlanta. It was the first time we changed the law (accidentally, albeit!).
But . . .
what if . . . what if my father (and mother, I am sure) had not spent our college education fighting their divorce war – only to get remarried one day after it was declared – almost a year to the day their fight had begun. That sucked. I really wanted to throw stones instead of the rice we were supposed to carry.
That kick in the balls during childhood: no help with the homework (father would get MAD . . . and momma was quite helpless) – flitting about (often without warning) from culture to place to thing . . . 6 moves in one school season? . . . and the grinding, grinding to “do good; get all straight A’s” – and getting beaten and restricted to my room for months at a time sometimes . . .
The surprising thing is that we did okay anyway. “We” learned fast, and learn what we read. And we read a LOT of things; mostly science articles. Used to read only science fiction until ’77 – then we could NOT find a thing written we had not read. (we can only read a thing one time; after that we are bored; we remember the thing too well for years and years at a time; some things forever: can you say ‘semi-photographic selective memory geared towards technical details?” That sort of thing.
But there’s a lot of science in science fiction – Sagan, Asimov – they were all scientists. And the fact is science fact makes for good science fiction – and science fiction drives science fact finding! (Just ‘see’ what Star Trek has done to the physics industry. They are looking for ‘transporters’, ‘warp drive’, and ‘Bussard engines’ (which star trek engines are based on) are a factual theory. LOL! Thought about that one long before I READ about Bussard engines; dreamed them up on my own – THEN read about the damned things. LOL. Someone beat me to the punch again . . .
But you see there? There’s been a LOT of things like that; it’s like after reading all that science fiction we can see those ‘paths’ – those ‘future societies’ that were long ago written about converging; diverging. “There isn’t a thing that’s been built that hasn’t been dreamed up by man” – and there’s a deeper ironic truth in that that goes beyond the Yogi Barra like saying, in that many of these things were dreamed of long, long ago. “Univac” was the computer that would dominate the universe; “I Have No Mouth and Need to Scream” was an early version of not on the Terminator theme, but the fact of the internet . . . (can somebody reboot the internet, please? my wife used to ask. LOL.)
Well – we’re on a random tangent; and here’s the thing:
We’re avoiding some of our issues because the time has come along now to deal with them. There are ‘storm clouds on our mental horizons”. “A storm’s a’comin'” (refers to some artwork you haven’t seen). It deals with a (we paused here for a long time) ….
It’s that damned Halloween to be sure; but it’s a mess of other things; and by that I mean a real confusing jumbled mess, and what came after – the sudden ‘jolting’, being yanked from this land (meaning we left the good ol’ USA here) … some really ‘bad’ things – but they weren’t ‘bad? were bad? make me feel uneasy, sick, and nauseous, for we were with the US military back then and it was a ‘bad thing’ some of the times; 2 culture; 2 civilizations living side-by-side; 2 things causing some splitting; some sexual things?
aarrghh. LOL. I’m glad it’s spring.
We’re off to see our daughter; going to a zoo (Riverbanks, cute little beautiful thing); botonical gardens (just for the joy – LOL, you’ve seen my flower pictures, haven’t you?) – and yes, our daughter’s named after Love – and maybe we’ll see a 3D movie (John Carter? appeals to 13; our kid appeal) . . . but internet access is awkward if not available at all, so we’ll see (McDonald’s, anybody?) . . . oh well.
So this is just random stuff . . . but while it sounds ‘fun’ . . . inside there is this ‘grinding in the dark’; ‘demons’ (of old memories) dancing . . . lol, gotta write about that . . . shadows against the campfire . . .
Until later; ya’ll have fun.