No. 9 . . . A State of Mind

We realized something as we began writing this entry.  “We” are one (duh!) and yet ‘many’.  Okay?  You got that?  Now: where did ‘they’ come from??

That’s part of the mystery and thing about being DID: discovering one’s one self.  Or selves.  But perhaps it is self again.

After all, think of it (we are!).  We’ve been breaking things down by the ages we’ve been.  Each individual set of circumstances (read: ‘move from one location to another’) gave birth to ‘someone else’.  Now I’m not saying each day or event gave rise to a new person; I’m saying some major events and changes in environment gave rise to new identities or functions (I presume).  Mostly it seems to have evolved around going places; times when we moved.  Despite what most folks think, the SEXUAL ‘abuse’ did not harm us in this way; it had nothing to do with ‘fracturing’ my skull; my parent’s abuse, however, did.  A lot of it came from there – and the constant uprooting and dumping in a ‘new environment’ – with no guidance of any kind.

We ‘sniffed’ a lot out using a process of deduction – that is, beating around the bush until something flies out at you.  Or defining the bush by what’s “not there” (meaning memories, emotions, experiences – an entire ‘childhood’ gone sometimes!).  I cannot overstate the importance of this thing when it comes time to find missing pieces of yourself.  You wait and you wait; you query and question: you not only find yourself asking “why?” time and time again, you find you must continue asking ‘why?’.  Or ‘what’ sometimes.  Sometimes it means forcing yourself to go into some deep dark place . . . and watch what boogin’s are wandering around.

I don’t mind I lost my mind – not much.  Never had much of one to begin with. (Tho’ some of my professors complained: “The boy’s a genius!  A lazy genius to be sure – but we gotta USE him!”  In some way they did – or might have. . . but then again, I don’t trust THAT pile of memories.  Some things are just too strange, and kinda scary.  Well, not scary, but . . . some things are hard to explain.  Like when I consider the ‘hidden’ memories and/or the ‘recovered’ ones – I feel a strong apprehension mixed with fear.  Many of my ‘selves’ do.  Why?  I don’t know.  Is it a lack of courage on my behalf*?  (musing)  Thinking so . . . a lack of emotional depth on ALL our part?  Again: perhaps (musing) . . . again: no: we have some emotional depth to us.  It just hurts a lot of times.

Which brings us back to this ‘thing’ of “Number Nine”.

The last thing I want to do is split up even further; I don’t want that.  It’s hard enough as it is.  The thing is that it seems I have no choice.  If I’m going to get on to ‘healing’ – whatever that is – then I have to know what happened and why; what ‘effect’ it had on me – not just ‘then’ (and to ‘them’) but now and today.  How those parts got to feeling what those parts do.  (Because their ‘stuck’ emotions are often my own – mixed in with a lot of ‘other’ stuff – like contamination of the mind – only it’s not contamination; it’s hurting.  “They” are hurt and wounded inside – and “I” am going to have to cure them – one by one by one.  (sighing)  It’s a slow process; very slow sometimes.  (I suppose I could do better with ‘help’ – but there’s no help for me; not here, and definitely not for any male survivor in my area.)

But what I’ve found (and here there’s a wry twist; a squinted eyed thing; one of those where you stick your tongue out, you are concentrating so hard) – is that I DO have to divide myself, albeit – and hopefully – somewhat (and albeit again) hoping I can ‘stick’ myself together again.  Can you say Humpty Dumpty, anyone?  Can someone pass the Crazy Glue – cuz’ I’m gonna need some for my head?  LOL’ing!  (that means ‘lots of laughing’ in my own particular parlance).

All the Queen’s horses and all the King’s men . . .
Humpty Dumpty’s on his own again.
LOL.

You see, here’s the thing.  Imagine you’ve got all these sides to yourself, parts stuck in time; little ones, big ones; ones that are . . . well, ‘special’.  Some of them belong on the back of the bus; some ride up front.  (some need kept in cages; they are so violent and sick in the mind.)  All of them are different.  And each was created by the environment and/or time he was ‘in’ – meaning ‘in control’, doing something – “#1” so to speak . . .

And here comes another one.  Number 9.  (Ain’t that the name of a special formula in a song I heard?)  LOL.  Love potions . . . I’ve got mine.

You see, ‘we’ finally figured out ‘we’ know what we’re doing, even if we’re doing it ‘blind’.  I hadn’t a clue to begin with – not so long ago – but today it occurred to me; it became apparent what is happening in my mind . . .

You see, in order to ‘heal’ each one of ourselves; to ‘come together’ – ‘we’ have to have everyone on board.  You can’t have someone hanging out there taking his own swim; you gotta get everyone paddling in the same direction . . . so we’re taking apart our mind.  (Don’t play with that thing!  You might end up losing all your marbles – and never getting any back in!)

And it occurred to me that perhaps this is what we are doing: subdividing our mind into ‘compartments of time’; blocks of time when we were one thing or that; another.  Meaning we peel off the layers.  And these are layers in time.  One such layer is “Number 9”.  Meaning the time we were 9 years old and moved off to North Carolina.  What effect did it have then?  The only way to know is to isolate it: and thus: “Number 9”.  That ‘section’ has been peeled off and held up for scrutiny.  What was he feeling?  What all the time?  What were some of the things he did?  What ‘affected’ him?  How did that matter in the future?  How does it matter at this time?

Truth be told, Number 9 is a ‘minor player’.  We weren’t there long enough for me to develop a full blown personality to fit that ‘future’ we saw coming at that time; the ‘future’ changed for us with each and every move.  And ‘we’ changed; changing to fit a new environment – BUT- having to maintain ‘one’ for at home; for at school . . .

A lot like you do ‘personas’ – only with a much deeper level of feeling; their own cognition system, “their” own way of looking at the world . . .

It is my hope that after ‘examining’ them – these ‘little bits’ in my mind – ‘we’ can fix some of them.  For instance, there has been ‘intensive therapy’ in my mind: ‘we’ are into ‘holding and loving’ any child we find ‘inside’ – helping them over the ‘hump’ and changing how ‘they’ feel . . .

Ideally we’ll get to where we can feel one emotion; one set of thoughts for one thing.  That would be nice.  And it might put an end to some of my inappropriate behavior sometimes (we are in the habit of saying what is REAL and what is TRUTH and not sugar glossing or coating it over . . . need some TACT it appears . . . or learn how to lie.)

But ‘we’ found it interesting that (sighing) we found the REASON we are ‘sub-dividing’ our mind – slicing things into ever thinner slices; chunks of time – and then taking them apart and seeing what makes them ‘tick’.

Number 9 is just one of them.  We know there are several more.  Some of them are big ones: 21 and 24.  28 (perhaps) – we’ll see.  One at a time; one at a time . . .

with any luck I’ll get us all on the same page, and all in the same time (now!)

Anyway: if you’re interested in reading what brought THIS entry on you’re gonna have to go to my other blog (The Little Shop of Horrors) and read the last entry I made.  This one gave me the clue: when I discovered that ‘that’ little boy hadn’t any words for the feeling he was feeling back then (it was only yesterday that I found he was feeling ‘lonely’ – a ‘new’ thing for him – and ‘us all’ I reckon at the time).

What is really sort of sad is that I know: I’m going to have to do this time and time again.  I can’t get into it; I can’t explain the ‘sadness’; nor the state of mind it gives: somewhat depressive (but then again: I have all these younger minds in me which are laughing and playing now, so I feel ‘good’ inside overall . . . but there’s this deep dark current of underlying sadness . . . no, it’s not ‘depression’ . . . just a dark black tide, like the ocean at midnight . . .

And I’m hoping the sun will rise and shine.  (As always, my friend, as always.)

 

*DID Lingo: “on my behalf” in my writing appears to mean “doing something not just for a single self, but for ALL of us inside; or to improve our life quality”

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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4 Responses to No. 9 . . . A State of Mind

  1. Marty says:

    Ok. It is very interesting and I am a novice at the multiple thing and did not realize it when I first met you Jeff. We are for you is I am for us. it goes to the who am I? From the Buddhist tradition.

    Saying we are or I am is only recognizing the ego we created. Jeff you have created multiple some how, but they are not who you really are.

    In Buddhas Brain, we are not our ego, in fact it is a golf ball in a swimming pool in comparison.

    I can be present following my breath empty of thought and judgment without bringing my ego out. Therefore, things exist on their own without my ego judging, identifying or disapproving.

    So are you able to use mindfulness and just be without the we are?

    I would think so. What do you think?

    Marty

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    • jeffssong says:

      Being totally present in the ‘now’ is not a problem; very easy to do. Shutting down thought is not a problem. And yes: it is a very easy way to become tranquil and enjoy the world. However, ‘we’ enjoy it best when ‘we’ are able to all ‘be’ there and enjoy the moment in and with a child’s innocence.

      Multiples were created for a reason and a purpose; there is no ‘somehow’ about this. We have recognized in the process of healing we must ‘split’ some more. The fact is you *cannot!* go around through life living only in the present, without thought, for then there is no past to guide you; nor future to look forward to, nor ability to plan (no thought, after all!). We are the products of our past; our past guides us towards our future – considerations must be taken in order to survive.

      The ‘splitting’ was due to time and circumstance – abuse issues, and some of it is permanent I’ve not only been told but ‘feel’. There are 3 “primary alters”; actually ‘hosts’ in psychology parlance terms; two left over from ‘the old times’ and the most current one. Hosts don’t have ‘control’ so much as they operate on terms of agreement (and endearment sometimes). “We” all run by majority rule. Imagine: you take a child and beat the crap out of them ALL THE TIME; you never hug them nor let them display nor have affection – and then you rapidly shuffle them from one environment to another – say a high tech facility to living out in the woods; then back again. What you are doing is forcing that child to develop ‘new personalities’ or new ids/egos to deal with each environment – especially when you punish them whenever they exhibit a behavior or characteristic NOT suitable for the current environment they are in – and then change that. It happened all the time; over and over again.

      I came to the conclusion last year that it is more ‘souls’ than a personality defect. I have to learn to take care of ‘them’. I had to learn to view ‘that child’ within as a treasured child; one who had been done wrong before I could love and forgive him – or myself – within. You know the shame/blame game us survivors play? I’m no longer in that situation. I don’t care what happened: I can ‘see’ the abused child/children – and learned to accept and treat them just like I would a real abused child – and put ‘them’ into a type of group therapy with all my ‘other selves’ – one by one.

      This ‘multiplicity’ has been going on since I was very young. I remember dissociating very ‘hard’ when I was 3; by the time I was 7 or 8 I had ‘multiples’ going on. (soft smile) Thought it was a normal thing: voices in my mind, unusual impulses and loss of control. I’m not really looking for a ‘cure’ anymore; never really did. Just wanted to be happy, not sad, suicidal, depressed, angry, enraged – mixed with all the ‘good’ emotions as well. And the cutting had to stop. But . . . the shrinks / therapists (so few out there for male sexual abuse survivors, tho’ the sexual abuse didn’t ‘hurt’ me that bad – it didn’t split me; my the environmental switches and constant hammering of abuse did. The sex actually helped me! – because it was the ONLY aspect of my physical life where I received some love – or something that felt close enough to love that I was more than just ‘okay’ with it – I wanted some! And I’m smiling right now because that was ‘okay’ – I ‘understand’ that child and can love him now. Before? I never did. Some of my parts tried to ‘kill’ him – and nearly killed me several times.

      I rarely suffer from all-out all-over through and through depression anymore, tho’ some of my ‘parts’ are having a tough time. (smile again) One of the good things about being DID. But to cure I must ‘think’ – consider the past, the present – what went on. It cannot be ignored (Which it is when I live ‘all’ in the present.) And of course changing your focus to something like your breathing – or flexing your big toe – helps put you ‘into the moment’ and suppresses the mind – which suppresses those feelings as you are so right in claiming! And I recommend that approach when, say, your fear gets ahold of you; or when things get overwhelming (unless you are in an emergency situation; in my case ‘freezing’ would mean instant death, or some extreme injury, or punishment of some kind.). That’s one of the things about ‘fear’ – we lost it. It got burned out of us a long long time ago. (A child that faces certain ‘death’ over and over again gets inured to it; I know we did. Quite a bit. This was part of our military training – AS A Child! – as well. Our fears revolve more around ‘fear of emotion’ – grief and sorrow were not allowed, and we have some serious barriers to overcome before we can ever really cry. Plus (soft smile again) – we still have some issues with ‘missing persons’ – because we also lack certain emotions and chunks of memories.

      But getting back to the main point and question: Yes – we are able to be quite mindful – while being ‘mindless’ – and live completely in the “NOW” – with no concerns, no heartaches, just a deeply contented feeling

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      • Marty says:

        Amazing Jeff, I understand and agree with a lot and other things I do not know, It is incredible you have found a way.

        I spent a couple years on daily strength PTSD discussion board before starting my blog. The main reason for almost, well on DS discussion board the healing was under 5%.

        They would not take any action to heal. Fight flight or freeze is the norm. Women have a problem with joining with others venting and firing their cortisol dumps for daily release. The end result was behavior that was damaging to all. They suffered and then made others hurt by attacking them.

        The sexually assaulted girl grows up to be the resentful ranger. It is an issue and effects a chunk of the discussion boards. Those who entertain feelings of poor me do not want a positive voice around.

        You have figured out a way to exist and look at your challenge. I do not understand all of it but I realize from what my childhood was like to understand what you have accomplished.

        Now how do I know who I am addressing at any moment. How diverse are the emotions of the different parts.

        I have some great posts from a book. Coping with Trauma related dissociation.

        Here is one of a series

        http://ptsdawayout.com/2012/03/09/coping-withntrauma-related-dissociation-parts-of-the-personality-fighting-each-other/

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  2. jeffssong says:

    A long time ago I used to go to the AOL Mental Health Chat rooms; I made some good friends there. It was where I posted my first question ever: “Is it normal to want to kill yourself a dozen times a day – EVERY DAY?” The answer was a resounding “NO”. That (and a few other things) led to a path . . . the first thing I identified was mankind’s most common goal; the ‘root’ of everything: the desire to survive AND be happy.

    Over time I saw what you mean, though not always. I was a “troll hound” – meaning I protected the group from those who would hurt them. Including (sometimes) people in the crowd. I have a way of ‘seeing through things’ – and would get under the skin of the vicious haters and the like; or else try to let them ‘see’ what I was seeing and adjust their attitude. Kept a few people from suiciding on out; one from killing his boss. But I also noticed something – even almost got trapped in ‘that trap’ myself – the eternal ‘anger and rage’ issues towards their abusers (and themselves some of the times); the ever-egging on of another person’s rage, saying “It’s justified!” I’ve since then learned: no, it is not. Forgiveness in the end towards another person’s ‘chase’ towards endless happiness – whether it be by doing right or doing wrong – and recognizing them as a human being (albeit flawed, as we all are) – led to an increase in happiness (and energy! and desire. and lots of positive things), whereas to go on and harbor hatred, rage, and that kind of attitude – with the psychologists abetting them – and feeding it among themselves, and everyone claiming they are right, or their abuse was ‘worse’ and somehow that makes the difference between them and you – nobody wanting to admit they must ‘take their OWN path’ – and that it’s “suggestions” and “opinions” which are offered, not some demands . . .

    But some people PREFER to wallow in their pain because it’s the only emotion they have. It’s either that or anger or rage at someone. So they lash out at someone – over and over again. Even those who try to ‘help’ them. I won’t say they’ve been led down the wrong path – just a different one. They are ‘happy’ with their anger and rage. Just ask them. I have. And it’s true – they ‘like’ being that way – while battling it at the same time!!! (Talk about a “cross-purposes” mind! LOL! We have that a lot of time.) They are “STUCK” – and will be forever until they give up this chase to ‘punish’ their abuser in some way – and just forgive him (and by ‘punish’ I mean get emotionally mad; I DON’T mean NOT reporting the abuse and letting the system have its way with them – crimes must be punished; lessons HAVE to be learned.) Like I used to say (and still do): You can’t be happy if you’re mad. It’s simply not possible.

    As for ‘me’ – the ‘who’ are you talking to? LOL! Always a good question. For the ‘most’ part “I” am ‘co-conscious’, meaning there’s always more than one “up there”, listening to and being aware of the outside world. 3 usually (any more and I ‘crash’ – except in some VERY special circumstances like what happened to us last year). Crashing is dissociating big-time; almost a zombieland like state. Very difficult to move sometimes if it gets really bad. But we can “snap to!” in an instant – just without any emotions to bear, and hardly a thought.

    Information is transferred to the ‘next’ one coming on. That is so we can survive. You can’t have someone ‘switching’ in the middle of driving, or a conversation about something quite technical; nor can you have someone fading out while someone is fading in without that transfer of information. It would be dangerous to our selves. Imagine walking across a street – and suddenly you don’t know what you’re looking for. You might not even realize you’re standing in the road with a semi bearing down on you! In my case? It was a gun. Or a knife sometimes. LOL. Childhood ‘training’ techniques . . . keep you on your ‘toes’ – and able to ‘switch’ at a second’s notice from ‘loving and caring child’ to ‘killing machine’ in an instant – or in ‘my’ case, defend myself. A lot of “CPTS” going on, LOL – cuz’ what child can ‘escape’? We certainly couldn’t, and lived . . . well, ‘different’ comes to mind.

    So . . . usually when you are talking to me . . . you’ve got 3 “on tap” – even more if you consider ‘everyone’ is listening (to some degree; some just ignore you). If we ‘switch’ in the middle of conversation chances are you wouldn’t immediately notice – just a change in tone, or words used, or our accent. (We have one who uses the German “ja”, meaning ‘yes’, for instance). And we may drift off conversation a LOT (okay – here? I hear a lot of laughing inside; most of them ‘kids’ voices). They have ‘inquiring minds’ – just like a lot of REAL kids – which I’ve learned to treat them like that. Which means much love and hugs and … well, what can I say? Our is a different world than yours perhaps – not always ‘fun’ – but it has its own wonders and joys. And ‘we’ are learning how to celebrate them instead of . . . well, instead of the way we were before. Always trying to fight and killing each other inside; or attempting to ‘fuse’ something that couldn’t be fused . . . a lot of things went wrong (and I’ve got the scars on my arm to prove it, LOL – would have rather had the T-shirt instead, LOL!

    Until later Marty – feel free to be confused (I often am, loling – we’re in a damn fine mood; no reason why) – and ask some questions. There is no ‘dumb one’ unless you count the ones unasked (in which case ‘dumb’ takes on 2 meanings, if you get my drift. We often write in double/triple meanings sometimes! and rhymes!)

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