Anger, rage, and DID; the whole ‘child abuse’ thing which sorta split me . . . and ‘us’ . . .
We’re ‘defusing’ and working at it hard. Part of our rage is directed at our wife; it’s from some of our life issues, some of them are hers. (It never helps to have two people crippled in a relationship, as she was – and still is in her own ways . . . some are rather aggravating.)
here I feel my rage rising . . . deep breath and continue on . . .
took your advice here Marty; and some “others” besides. It’s the teenager alter that’s been giving us so much hell; he’s very unhappy somehow (and so are we and we are for ‘him’, that part of myself that ‘died’ . . . but has come alive and has been alive for such a long long time).
This is not the life he would have chosen for us; nor the one he made. ‘We’ go along with him every once and awhile; but my! – and he’s a strong one (and strong willed as well).
So . . . we got out a smoke (a real one and another one) and stood out on the porch for awhile (looking at the mountain of stuff – enough to fill a large bed pickup) that we either tore up, threw up (and out of the barn . . . which, by the way, still stinks of the fire we tried to burn down there . . . was half-ass tempted into thinking f-it and light the whole house and one acre yard on fire) . . .
Yeah; it’s kinda scary and sorta bad when ‘we’ get to going like that . . . consumed by an all-fire rage (at least we fixed the playhouse . . . where we sorta broke a window outta the thing . . . and fixed the lawn furniture we threw about the place; scattered all over the yard). “I” try to control ‘them’, ‘it’, whatnot what-have-you . . . but they can tend to run wild (as you can kinda see by the list of damage I’ve done here in the last few hours) . . . that solar light is ruined (gave it a good ol’ football kick halfway across the yard) . . .
and strange thing is – with hindsight I can kinda see where it was coming from – my wife cleaning out the kitchen and leaving me uninformed as to what all now is missing (not a big deal but it is). And with ‘that’ this anger kinda started building . . .
until it got out of control.
I should have seen it coming; I kinda saw it yesterday (why am I thinking “tomorrow”?) when I was with my stepson and I kinda got cutting up with him . . . said some things that were at the time kinda cruel, but not in a heartless kind of way – that was the smoke that was arisin’ from the hood (and I ‘see’/saw ” ‘hood” there, meaning my childhood home – where most of the abuse had happened to me . . .)
Some really kinda bad things in there.
but as required by ‘our’ agreement, ‘we’ are taking our wife to see “Dark Shadows” (she’s an old Dark Shadows fan . . . I thought it would be a good idea) – after taking our son to the 3D version of the Avengers yesterday (I paid, thought it would be fun. Because I ‘enjoy’ having him as ‘my son’ (though he’s no son of mine! (I hear a voice saying).
This is the ‘fun’ in the word “disfunction”, LOL’ing.
Well, I should’ve seen it coming, and I NEED to do a JOB . . .
which is to teach my wife about how to GO about ‘defusing’ me before it can even happen. I took Marty’s advice (remembering) . . . (sighing) . . . go figure, for me it’s just disassociating ‘to the max’ – an old kind of skill I have: pouring goam on the ‘fire’ and putting all those personalities ‘out’ and ‘down’ . . .
though in a way I still gotta put up with HIM – him being our hurt and wounded teenager – I gotta remember that thing; ditto him with “13” and a bit of our child self – those are the ones who need ‘comforting’ from within . . . getting those ‘issues’ under control (deep breath again . . .)
Well . . . gotta ‘git dressed’ put on my fancy shoes (tennis shoes and white ones) . . . bypass that trash near the driveway . . . and get my ass on the road.