Defusing

Anger, rage, and DID; the whole ‘child abuse’ thing which sorta split me . . . and ‘us’ . . .

We’re ‘defusing’ and working at it hard.  Part of our rage is directed at our wife; it’s from some of our life issues, some of them are hers.  (It never helps to have two people crippled in a relationship, as she was – and still is in her own ways . . . some are rather aggravating.)

here I feel my rage rising . . . deep breath and continue on . . .

took your advice here Marty; and some “others” besides.  It’s the teenager alter that’s been giving us so much hell; he’s very unhappy somehow (and so are we and we are for ‘him’, that part of myself that ‘died’ . . . but has come alive and has been alive for such a long long time).

This is not the life he would have chosen for us; nor the one he made.  ‘We’ go along with him every once and awhile; but my! – and he’s a strong one (and strong willed as well).

So . . . we got out a smoke (a real one and another one) and stood out on the porch for awhile (looking at the mountain of stuff – enough to fill a large bed pickup) that we either tore up, threw up (and out of the barn . . . which, by the way, still stinks of the fire we tried to burn down there . . . was half-ass tempted into thinking f-it and light the whole house and one acre yard on fire) . . .

Yeah; it’s kinda scary and sorta bad when ‘we’ get to going like that . . . consumed by an all-fire rage (at least we fixed the playhouse . . . where we sorta broke a window outta the thing . . . and fixed the lawn furniture we threw about the place; scattered all over the yard).  “I” try to control ‘them’, ‘it’, whatnot what-have-you . . . but they can tend to run wild (as you can kinda see by the list of damage I’ve done here in the last few hours) . . . that solar light is ruined (gave it a good ol’ football kick halfway across the yard) . . .

and strange thing is – with hindsight I can kinda see where it was coming from – my wife cleaning out the kitchen and leaving me uninformed as to what all now is missing (not a big deal but it is).  And with ‘that’ this anger kinda started building . . .

until it got out of control.

I should have seen it coming; I kinda saw it yesterday (why am I thinking “tomorrow”?) when I was with my stepson and I kinda got cutting up with him . . . said some things that were at the time kinda cruel, but not in a heartless kind of way – that was the smoke that was arisin’ from the hood (and I ‘see’/saw ” ‘hood” there, meaning my childhood home – where most of the abuse had happened to me . . .)

Some really kinda bad things in there.

(sighing)

but as required by ‘our’ agreement, ‘we’ are taking our wife to see “Dark Shadows” (she’s an old Dark Shadows fan . . . I thought it would be a good idea) – after taking our son to the 3D version of the Avengers yesterday (I paid, thought it would be fun.  Because I ‘enjoy’ having him as ‘my son’ (though he’s no son of mine! (I hear a voice saying).

This is the ‘fun’ in the word “disfunction”, LOL’ing.

Well, I should’ve seen it coming, and I NEED to do a JOB . . .

which is to teach my wife about how to GO about ‘defusing’ me before it can even happen.  I took Marty’s advice (remembering) . . . (sighing) . . . go figure, for me it’s just disassociating ‘to the max’ – an old kind of skill I have: pouring goam on the ‘fire’ and putting all those personalities ‘out’ and ‘down’ . . .

though in a way I still gotta put up with HIM – him being our hurt and wounded teenager – I gotta remember that thing; ditto him with “13” and a bit of our child self – those are the ones who need ‘comforting’ from within . . . getting those ‘issues’ under control (deep breath again . . .)

Well . . . gotta ‘git dressed’ put on my fancy shoes (tennis shoes and white ones) . . . bypass that trash near the driveway . . . and get my ass on the road.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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3 Responses to Defusing

  1. Marty says:

    Does not matter if it is one of my stuck parts from childhood abuse it is all ego o your multiple parts.

    IT is just that parts. See Rick Hanson in Buddhas Brain details that we create our ego or identification from past memories woven together into a story. My ego from my childhood abuse had low self esteem, thought I was shamed,flawed at my core. My dad never uttered a kind word for me, so I sensed a great flaw in me intrinsically.

    Now parts of my personality were stuck in coping mechanisms.. Some of my emotions were also stuck. Anger made me uncomfortable, my anger or even my opinion in front of my parents would bring rebuke or violence.

    I started remaking my ego or parts stuck. Now my ego is totally different. Jeff neuroscience asroven the left bran is a computer, garbage in garbage out.What we sa lethally and what we engage contrive ly becomes who we are. What fires together wires together. in other words where you place your attention grows, where you withdrawal,attention withers.

    haeyouconsideredeli,imaging all negative self talk or thought. letitgo. Then add affirmations to program the ego for performance. Hanson also says to say affirmations outloud since it activates the frontal lobes. Call your cell phone and leae a message.

    never sa anything negative about yourself or one of you will bring all from the past to make your stated reality to come true. Wat we say has a large effect on our self image.

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      Hi Marty!
      🙂 It would be great if I had just one ‘ego’ to reckon & deal with, but I don’t. I don’t have ‘the ego’, I have many, or at least several ‘major’ ones. ‘We’ don’t engage in that much negative self-talk anymore, and a lot of the shame from child abuse has been dealt with (did that one last year). Still a bit more to go, but not too bad. Sometimes our raging seems self-directed, but it is not; it is due to a past one’s desires for a different world than the one that we live in. (shrug) ‘He’ gave up that control a long time ago for the benefit of us ‘all’ – and for the creation of a ‘new one’ (ego in your lingo, I’d reckon).

      Now I get what you mean about ‘thinking’ about feeds the thing – I call it “Feeding the Bad Wolf” – which is why “I” don’t allow my wife to talk to me in terms of my alternate ‘egos’ or systems, though that may change; ‘we’ tried suppressing them all a long time ago – and that led to such a flat feeling . . .

      Now I didn’t used to pay attention to ‘all my parts’; hell, I didn’t even know I had them; I just knew that sometimes I would engage in outrageous or out of control behavior; doing things I knew were bad for me and doing them anyway; plagued by bouts of depression and suicidal tendencies ALL the time – self-hurt issues on such a daily basis they became a subject for comment . . . and “I” didn’t know where any of ‘this’ – this anger and rage and so much and many other things – I could ‘feel’ these parts moving around in ‘me’; have these unobtrusive – and sometimes very intrusive – thoughts and feelings and urges – no ‘thought’ behind it; kinda like yesterday when I got really ‘mad’ – or at least a part of me did.

      However . . . what do you do when a thought or a rage pops out of ‘nowhere’ – and you find yourself in a rage? Of course we shut it all ‘down’ – got out the firehoses, disassociated just enough to put ‘that’ part (or several of them; turns out there were 3) – ‘to sleep’ – end of raging. Called up enough to do the job that still needed done (taking the wife out to a movie) – and had a fun time!

      I’ve learned that ‘not thinking about it’ – no self-analysis as to ‘where’d that come from?” – helps – but it can hurt as well. It solves everything for the moment and nothing in the long run. “I” can still get along just fine . . . until another rage starts coming, or a wave of depression – and “I” can’t get my finger on it, but by ‘going through’ all my others, encapsulated ‘beings’ as they were/are, stuck in time albeit making a little progress here and there – in one of ‘those’ I’ll find the reason if I keep on asking “why?”.

      (soft smile – benefit here) – and in todays’ analysis we discovered the ‘teenager’ still feels alone and unloved . . . and with some luck (and our wife’s help) – perhaps that is about to change, tho’ I expect it’s gonna take several months or two. LOL.

      Bee seeing ya! Stay good – and yeah: in an emergancy / crisis, concentrating on breathing and the world – stabilizing (and wiping out) our emotions and thoughts works pretty good . . .
      But even still: it feels a lot like disassociation (flat and with no feeling or thought in my mind.) Good for an emergency; not for the rest of my life. (Been there, done that before; it didn’t work out good.)

      Like

  2. The Hobbler says:

    Just keep writing. That has to help somehow.

    Like

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