Who Are “WE”?

About a week ago (it seems), a blogger asked a very important question which has for a long time bothered me:  “How many are there in you?”.  (Thanks, Hobs! – evil grimace, friendly grin, et cetra ad infinitum.)  And if you look up there at my ‘menu bar’ you will see a new entry:  “Who Are ‘WE’?”.

Now I’ve tried this before without much success.  The system is so complicated . . . realizing alters (alternate personalities) have their own alters makes it even more difficult.  But it’s the truth; that’s where some of my “Groups” have come from.  And it makes sense. My wife, who I talked to about this, agrees:  A host developed new alters to handle his situation, then when a new situation emerged which required a new host, new alters were built to handle the transition (the old host had ‘failed’) – and then the new host, in response to his situation, built new alters of ‘his’ own.  Therefore are more ‘alters’, ‘entities’, ‘constructs’, ‘ghosts’, and ‘beings’ – than I had originally suspected.  Originally I thought there were just three or four – then last year sometime I was willing to admit the number might be more – even in the high teens.  But now?  Now I find there are over (perhaps) thirty of them, with the potential for more.

Here is a ‘still’ from a movie I made a long time ago which showed rotating shells protecting a central core.  The original was an AVI format which this website will not display; I will have to convert it to an animated GIF or some other suitable format later on . . .

Imagine a series of broken shatter ‘shells’ (read ‘selves’ or ‘alters’) rotating and counter-rotating around a central core (unseen).  These are the ‘parts’ to myself.  Each was constructed to ‘protect’ someone ‘inside’ – and each has parts of its own.

Yeah, it’s that complicated – somewhat.  But here you go, Hobs: what you asked for – a summary ‘list’ of my beings.  Read my “Self-Inventory” for more – and a complete (as far as I can tell) list and understanding how ‘this’ system works . . . and be aware that not all are available for ‘conversation’; some are only internal beings – they work for ‘me’ and ‘ours’ – helping ‘us’ to heal in some ways, learn more in others.

People kept asking . . . so there ya go.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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7 Responses to Who Are “WE”?

  1. A Spirit of Healing says:

    how did you find out that you have DID? Wonder a lot about myself lately am forgetting so much, muddling things up…….

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    • jeffssong says:

      When I started to talk to the shrinks, they gave me my first clue? “Do you think in plural?” I assumed EVERYONE thought in terms of “we” and “ours” instead of “I” and “mine” when internally addressing themselves. (LOL, there I go again: “themselves”.)

      And I remember specifically and intentionally creating ‘alters’ to deal with aspects of my environment, aka “the Soldier” and “The Machine”.

      DID is a complex diagnosis and not well understood, even by the professionals. Most actually do some harm. But you know – everyone has their ‘sides’ or ‘parts of themselves’ (Good vs. bad, for example.) It is when those ‘parts’ have the ability to ‘take control from YOU’ and make YOU do something you don’t want to do (eg. cut yourself while you stare on -unable to control your body or self – or worse, ‘blank out’ and disappear, resulting in symptoms of amnesia). The diagnosis is kinda rare.

      Look for big holes in your memory which are associated with certain events / places where YOU might have had to change your being – everything: thoughts, behavior, belief patterns, values, morals, et all – that you can’t remember. Eg. for me it is moving. We moved all the time. I don’t remember ever moving. Just huge hunks missing from a few weeks before to a few weeks after. Sometimes you can define a bush by beating around it, ya know!

      PS: Cognitive Therapy. I saw where you are doing that – good. “WE” all used cognitive therapy to ‘get along’ – looking for the bad in the good. And ‘we’ found it. It’s all in how you can ‘see’ things. I wrote a thing on it: “The Bloody Coin”. It’s all about finding the good in the bad things that happened to us; wiping away the ‘blood’ of abuse and seeing the golden coin of how, now, we can understand these things well, is good – for it gives us the ability to have compassion for someone else and (hopefully!) do some good.

      Like they say: Nothing helps you more than helping someone else sometimes. LOL!

      Take care. Have fun. And don’t worry: if you are DID, you’ve been DID a long time. It can only develop in early childhood, though it may take a long time to realize you (or ‘we’, if you are thinking like that) have the thing.

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      • A Spirit of Healing says:

        Thanks very much for this long response. I do not think as “we” very often any more. Actually I can not remember having done that in ages. But practically my whole childhood is missing to me up to the day my mother was burried. That seems to be a major event where something essential broke inside of me. When I was a teenager and in my tweens there have been times when was driving but when I arrived home could not remember how I got there even though I did. It seems to come back lately. The not remembering bit. I have never talked to any therapist about that. Well my latest one does not believe that a soul can break ~ that gave me a glue about how she might think about DID :-). I talk to a self of mine quite often though which was in a situation directly after my father raped me. Thought mainly though that that is more a symbolic thing. She seems to have been talking to my older self then. It is confusing. Maybe more a spiritual thing. I once read a book about a person with DID then still called a multiple person. I was not aware then that I have been abused but thought: “That is exactly how I feel but it can’t be!” And somehow later when I was thinking about that I thought: “If there are more than one inside of me ~ work together please” and things changed. The thinking in “we” and the lost bits of memory stopped mainly. Well these are the glues that made me think about myself and who that “I” really is. The closest that feels real is that there is a protected child, then the 10 or 11 year old I am talking to, a writer and a very practical person who manages my work life. Confusing very confusing. Thanks for your answer.

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      • jeffssong says:

        You’re experience sounds a lot like my experience. I kinda knew I was multiple but then again I did not. I knew I would do things unexpectedly. I didn’t see a shrink until I was in my early 40’s or so. But my dad made me study right behind him every step of the way when he got his Masters in Shrinkdom and Minor in Sociology – part of an experiment he was on. One of us kids got the training and the other did not – to see what they did when he performed his experiments on us. By the time I was 16 he said I was insane; but so was my brother – psychotically so. I guess we both were by then.

        I don’t think a soul can be split, but I certainly think one can be created. By god if no one else, if you wanna look at it like that. And it’s up to “we” to ‘train’ them in the proper way to live and love. Some, ‘we’ feel, we go on to get reincarnated. Others will simply ‘move on’. And for some of ‘us’ it’s a job to do – later on, after we die. We’re not sure about that thing, but we know what “He” showed us (if you’re into believing about god and that one can see him, know him, et all and all of that – to some extent. Some things are kept mysteries to us and for a reason. But primarily I think we are here to learn to take care of ourselves and someone else all at the same time, and it’s hard sometimes – has been – but when ‘we’ learned to really love and behave and understand one another? When “I” (as you might want to call it; in our terms it’s “the Majority” or most of the Crowd – decided to embrace the ‘madness’ and embrace ‘ourselves’ – it got rather good. Much better than ever before.

        It’s well known (or at least to me) that systems can break down over time – even to their own owners – and then ‘things’ come out of them. It may just be some hidden ‘sides’, an inability to have some patience – or something ‘else’ – the hidden parts which did not ‘feel safe’ coming out while you were busy with LIFE – but now that you “have time” they are emerging. I don’t know. I do know that statistically it seems there is an ebb and flow to this thing – and somehow ‘it’ comes out again in the late 40’s and 50’s or so. “They” (the shrinks & professionals say) it’s because we are no longer having to strive so hard to survive – now we are moving ‘up’ a step on Maslow’s pyramid – going for “self-realization” and “transcendance” (which I – or ‘we’ – briefly attended last year).

        No doubt glue gets old with age. (There’s a Yogi Bera quote for you, LOL!). Cracks reform. I know mine did/ have / whatnot – I used to be a more ‘integrated’ being, anyway – if for no other reason than I was refusing to acknowledge or even realize I had ‘other sides’ – which meant I didn’t remember much ‘as a kid’ – except when I really thought about it. And the abuse? I thought it was a normal way of being raised as a child. Ditto ‘et all’ – up until I started to know better and look at what they did compared to what the rest of society did and how they expected a child to be raised (eg. with love, patience, whatnot).

        Yes it is very confusing. And the thing is – there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with having any alters – or none at all. You’re still the ‘same person’ – there’s just something different about you – a different way of thinking / being. And its okay, too.

        Always be careful not to confuse highway hypnosis with a true alter taking over and you forgetting that time. It’s easy to do sometimes. However and on the other hand . . . well, I ain’t no shrink (and got no degree) – but yeah, perhaps you are “borderline personality diagnosis” – which is NOT necessarily a disorder, you see. It won’t become a ‘disorder’ as long as the system works and runs good and you don’t find yourself fighting yourself – and keep an eye (and a journal) on any memory lapses you’re having.

        We’ll see. But the main thing – and only thing – that matters is being HAPPY (or at least fairly well contented – you know what I mean) – and if you DO have ‘others’ (souls, personalities, bits, bytes, whutnot) – then that is okay, too. And if any turn up ‘damaged’ then you can help them by loving them – never turn one away, because to turn one away is to turn away a ‘part’ of you (that in my opinion, may have either a) grown a soul or b) been granted one of its own accord – who knows?! LOL)

        Keep on eye on things, and on how you are thinking, and if intrusive thoughts come around (you know the “where’d THAT come from?!”) see if you can ‘track’ them down to some certain emotional state or way of ‘being’. You never know . . . you might be a multiple being. But nothing wrong with that in my opinion, as long as ‘you all’ (sides, parts, whatever) – and YOU – are happy within yourself. Or selves, as the case may be.

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      • A Spirit of Healing says:

        🙂 late 40’s? Well, I am in my early 40’s and it seems to be a time of change. Definitely a time of resting as I found a home a last and the surviving part is done I think. it comes up now and then of course. Maybe you never stop surviving but thrive as well.
        I don’t think it is a bad thing to be more than one ~ for me right now it is more a question of “who do I have to care for” and “who am I”.
        I guess to figure that out I try to write my story down in my blog. To figure out what is “my reality” and not that of my family or whoever tried to make me behave or think in a certain way.
        HAPPY ~ am definitely happy, never have been but learn to. Besides my work but that will be sorted sooner or later. I have always come to that “better place” a lot to think and feel 🙂 thanks for your feedback

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  2. Noel says:

    Let me get this straight, if I may ask: so when you switch from one identity to the other, you don’t remember what happens during that time. And if so, how do you know which one is the real “you”? Is there a real “you”?

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    • jeffssong says:

      Fortunately, “we” have pretty much a “co-conscious system”, meaning most of the alters are aware of what is going on in the outside world – however, their emotional states and behaviors alter. This is because it was a survival trait. You can’t have someone ‘coming out’ without them knowing what’s going on. That’s also the reason ‘we’ maintain the “3 on Top” rule – that way there’s always someone ‘on top’ managing the system and passing the information along (that is what the host is for, mostly).

      That is not to say we don’t have memory problems. There are huge gaps in my history. Chores get half done – then I walk away and forget. My wife about sat on a toilet brush I left sticking out of the toilet, LOL! That would have been rather disturbing, not to mention painful.

      Time. Sometimes “I” feel like just a few days have gone by – and it’s been a week or so. Once it was several months! But it “felt” like just a few days, no more. It wasn’t until my wife reminded me and then, combing my mind, I picked up hazy memories of where I had been and what I had done the months before. I get confused on the days. Kinda like where you ‘feel’ like you gained or lost a day during the week – only maybe more. A few days. A week. And sometimes even more. Depends on when ‘that’ particular alter was last ‘out’. “We” literally have had to coach alters who hadn’t emerged since childhood that “this is OUR house, this is our YARD, we all live here” when they ‘awoke’. And more than just once. Again, it was a case of looking at it all and *feeling* like you’d never seen it before – but that 3 on top rule ensured ‘someone’ was there to take the ‘new’ child by the hand and lead him through the house . . . through the yard. Took a few days for several of them, and ‘we’re’ still adjusting to that.

      A ‘real me’. We are ALL ‘the real me’ – or aspects of the person you would meet. I tend to treat all my ‘parts’ as real persons nowadays because I learned that going the other route (which I tried for years) not only didn’t work, but was making things worse. (This was the professional route.) To the point of self-harm, shot memories, very few emotions, parts out of control and warring, and very suicidal.

      I think by “real you”, though, you are looking for there being a single unvarying individual. Unfortunately, that is not so. There are (almost always) 3 active, aware, and perhaps controlling alters ‘on top’, ‘out and about’ and aware. ‘Others’ may eavesdrop and butt in, though. That’s where inappropriate or strange comments can come from, as well as a lot of the remarks we put in those damned parenthesis, LOL!. “I” am learning to try to avoid them.

      I still like to think of it as many souls in one body – some of them just have to grow up some, some are there for ‘me’ and ‘mine’ to take care of or learn to take care of, and we’ll be released at the end of life’s journey. Kinda like a sparkler going up, LOL! If you know what I mean.

      Until later, Noel.

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