DID & Me: There is no ‘I’ in “We”

A commenter asked me something that really made me sit back and think.  And then “I” got a shock.

There is no “I” in our system.  There is no ‘one’ at all (excuse the pun and double meaning.  A lot of ‘me’ loves them.  And we come up with them all the time.  Makes sense given our ‘state’ of mind – being multiple and what-all.)

Somehow we lost the ‘I’ of long time ago, if there ever was “one”.  I’m assuming it was so – somewhere down there in the very beginning.  And then “I” sort of split . . . again, meaning that in two meanings.  As in gone and all split up and ‘things’.

I think I should provide a DID lexicon for ‘me’.  One we all can use sometimes.

“Things” means values, morals, cultural/religious belief systems, emotional contexts, attitudes, outlooks, and . . . things.  Intangibles ones like that.

“Conglamoration” is based on the word conglomeration, meaning a combination of things all stuck and fused together somewhat.  “We” are quite a bit like that.  And “Glamor” in the old sense of the word meant a type of magic; a spell ‘we’ are under.  So you put the two together and whatta ya got?

A magic ‘conglamoration’ of all of ‘us’ together.  Especially when there are three of ‘us’ in here . . . three of us ‘running the system’ and ‘running it good’ – we kinda ‘blend’ all together at the edges, giving the appearance of one person to the world.

Right now I’m kinda the teenager and my grown self – and someone else.  A grown alter of some kind.  Some kind of ‘science self’ self-analyzing ‘us’ as well as a ‘creative’ side – kinda fading and trading places in my mind so suddenly . . . it’s like ghosts, or having them. . .

The third place is usually set up as a seat of ‘rotation’ with two of my primary alters (or hosts) conducting ‘the show’.  The rest of ‘them’ all sit aside, simply ‘waiting’ and/or talking to themselves (selves inside) or someone ‘else’ while they wait their ‘turn’ or to be ‘called’ – rotating these selves in and out of my mind like a constant battalion . . .

It’s kinda cool in a way when you come to think about it.

But there is no “I” in my mind.

That part booked; took off, packed up and went to California – I don’t know where “he’s” gone.

Just that that part has been gone a long long time.

Took a vacation down in Georgia and never left my mind . . . I assume this ‘person’ is still trapped within myself – locked down inside of my mind, or simply hiding . . .

Who knows?  (echoing downstairs . . . in the annuals of my mind . . . who knows?  who knows? softer . . . calling out like echoes disappearing into the darkness of a long long hallway . . .)

Anyway he’s gone.  An extended vacation from mind.

So that leaves ‘us’ – assuming ‘we’ are not just ‘bits’ of him come alive.  And when “I” say “I” I mean the ‘person’ writing, or sometimes a small group of minds.  (Mind you, some of my ‘minds’ or ‘alters’ have minds and alters of their own – making me a multiple in multiple kinda guy.)

But Noel saying that – asking that question of his . . .

it was like re-realizing it all over again.  Kinda shook the roots there, kid – but in a good way, I’m supposing (with a wry smile).  Made ‘me’ realize who “I” am again in ‘my’ life.

Kinda sad in some ways, but not usually.  It just makes ‘me’ kinda different than ‘you’.  A different way of thinking; a different way of being.

Imagine that thing if you can . . . can you?  Imagine there is no “I am?”  Just a “we are ‘someone’ – as far as the world is concerned – but not an “I” within ourselves.

I wonder if you can.  If you are a singleton (no insult intended) or a monomind (my preferred term for it.)  A person with one being and identity.

Can you imagine . . . and then think: how it could be rather good, working as a system and such.  A tinkertoy system where you mix and match and such.  Making a ‘new’ person each time – or the same old ‘one’ if you want to . . . knowing – being comfortable – not being ‘one’ at all.

I wonder if you can imagine it.  “I” know I can.
After all . . . “I’m” living it.  And it can be pretty good.
Wonderful in fact.

Wishing you luck, you fellow DID’ers out there . . . and sympathy to my friends . . . who are single minded.  Just different, like me like you.

(*Note that this applies to me and not someone else.  DID system are extremely compicated and varied throughout.  What applies to ‘me’ may not apply to someone else.  I’m just an example of a system – and a work in progress.)

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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12 Responses to DID & Me: There is no ‘I’ in “We”

  1. Michael says:

    I think and believe that some people never were an I physically as they never had a chance. I thing DID is when there is an I and there is a split. The we really just grew up separably for what I call multiples. I believe this is rare and is only important to know so that what people that are multiple and DID do not wonder so much why they are not anything like those people that are DID.

    Pretty much I know a lot more about people that are DID or singleton as I have known so many. Other people on the other hand will likely never meet a multiple.

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  2. Donna says:

    I am one body, but many souls. DID has been with me all my memory life and I dont know about the single ‘I’ as my therapist and others talk about. I blog too MissPTSDandDID on blogger, and I look back and can see the different ‘Me’s talking’ souls talking about my bodys single life.
    Love reading your blog

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    • jeffssong says:

      I love that ‘sentiment’ (tho’ ‘I’ feel it’s more a fact of life): that “we” are many persons – souls – some newborn and for ‘me’ (and us) to take care of; bring and raise – they will be ‘lost to me’ when I take off (from this life) – tho’ we’ll be meeting again in the future, no fear. Some have different destinations than “I” have – just our religious belief. Quite a large one, lol’ing – encompassing all religions and science. Reconciling them and throwing out man’s lies and attempts to control someone’s other selves. “I” am glad to see another who agrees: these are souls in our life. Great way of thinking, IMO (our opinion – can we get a new lexicon here, DID laughing!) Thank you for your comment.

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      • Michael says:

        I have often wondered why there is no explanation as to why there are more people in the world now than before. Is there as soul warehouse? Is there a God with nothing better to do than keep turning out souls? You would thing God would be better at it with all that practice.

        I am going to start my on religion. God is a multiple and all of us are fragments of his soul. Send $19.95 or you will lose all your souls. With auto deposit each month I can get you more souls than you have now. There is another level but for that you have to become a life time member so I can not tell you about it.

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      • jeffssong says:

        Good dogs go to heaven. Who says this is the only place? I think God is multiple as hell. I think ‘he’s’ a lot like us. My opinion, of course. And I think he keeps splitting. Might explain some of us – and other things.

        Ya know what they say about sensory deprivation. What about a god-being before creation? I think he might have been mad for creating the thing. Or maybe we’re the madness in his mind. Who cares? We’re here.

        $19.95 is pretty cheap for a religion. The preachers charge much more. You’re giving a great deal there. Don’t let the public know. They might roust you out the woods and crucify you – especially when your well runs dry.

        I’ve got an even better deal. $19.95 – and you’re a post-lifetime member. Only get it when your dead. Insured and guaranteed: one soul upon your disposal. I’ll cough one outta my head. (cough cough – hand me a hundred dollars – shipping & handling fee, ya know. Lots of handling there with that one. LOL.)

        Personally I think god got lonely. And a little crazy. I buy into the he’s created in our own image. If you wanna see god, look in a mirror. Of your souls inside.

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      • Michael says:

        I did think of the good after life one. I figured that market was saturated.

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      • jeffssong says:

        I figure some of those SOB’s out there (especially in politics and some of those cops) are going to be soul deficient when the “get there” – they’re gonna need one to get along. Got plenty to spare or can fabricate one for them – though I won’t warranty unauthorized repairs. 🙂

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      • Michael says:

        Now that is a franchise opportunity!

        I may use that “Well you are SDD see you have soul deficiency disorder.

        i already use IDD. Imagination deficient disorder. Worse symptom is you think you don’t have it.

        i might just have to go out in the real world to use my new skills. I wonder if the DMV is hiring.

        i have often thought it would be fun to work for the DMV and not be an asshole. Might create a port to a new dimension or something

        Saw a great licence plate today that got through. WTFNOW I am assuming “What the Fuck Now.”

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  3. jeffssong says:

    LOL, love the license plate. Someone knows the ticket; nobody gets through life unscathed (I reckon).
    As part of the DMV qualification test, you must be able to put your head up your ass. I understand yoga helps with that position. I don’t know.
    When you find yourself wondering if you’ve just gotten screwed, you know you’ve been screwed too often. Something I learned in my Marine Corps career: beware of the Big Green Wienie.

    We could start a new business. You give them post-mortum souls, and I’ll promise to save them in the end.
    Wait: that job’s already been taken.

    On my gravestone they are supposed to carve these words:
    “My! That certainly was interesting!”

    We’ll see about that. And the plan to ship my remains to Antarctica. Part of my Ice Man mission. (Read about Ötzi (Ozzie) someday.)
    Always good to have fun.
    Even after you’re dead sometimes. LOL’ing.

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    • Michael says:

      I am hoping if I do not screw up to bad her dead will be better. When you don’t know what will happen at least make up something that helps now. Who is going to rag on you for being wrong? Can’t see a lot of people in the after world spending time saying I told you so. Maybe that is what hell really is. I hope you know first. Sorry just being honest. Hey wait a minute. If it is better I want to know first. If I have to die in an accident I want to be the first person to get hit my a meteorite. First I am assuming that is fatal. Guess that is a big assumption as it has never happened. I want to be swimming and I want people to know I got hit by a meteorite. That would suck to be the first one killed by a meteorite and no one knows it. I have told lots of people of this wish. Least I gave them a good story to tell. i got one for you some meteorites might skip then go around and burn up the next time. So it is possible that someone has only seen two shooting stars and it is the same meteorite. So I want to know the odds. Should meteorite be a verb or something or is it a meteorite before it is a shooting star. I do know you can see a shooting star but not find one. Once you find it than it is a meteorite. I have fun talking about such things to others. Not the ones that tell me to look it up. What do I care what someone else thinks. A girl yesterday came up with I probably had been hit in another life and liked it and that was why that is what I wanted. I love shit like that. Makes the day seem worth while.

      Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2012 16:19:09 +0000 To: dayodayo@msn.com

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      • jeffssong says:

        Alas, unfortunately there already have been injuries caused by meteorites. None thus far have been fatal. This is not to say it could not happen. Look at the dinosaurs. Read the Indian legends, and ancient lore. So you may get in luck. BTW: there are meteorites on your roof. They are micrometeorites. You can even collect them. They look like black sand. Use a magnet to separate them (iron-nickle) from grit. Tons fall every day. (are we getting heavier? More mass to Earth?).

        BTW, funny: “Should meteorite be a verb or something or is it a meteorite before it is a shooting star.” My daughter asked me 2 weeks ago. (I’m the family encyclopedia; it’s that OCD learning, LOL). A meteoroid is in outer space. It becomes a meteor when it hits atmosphere. (falling star). Then a meteorite when it comes to rest on a planet (such as ours). Often ‘meteor’ and ‘meteoroid’ are used interchangeably. Presumably, if you go out in space and get killed by a meteor, it will still be a meteor unless it lodges within you, in which case it just became a meteorite. (Does this mean you are a planet? . . .in a way. A meat shield one. Highly dead. They go about 30K/mph. Lots of energy. BUT if it gets you here on earth, then the rock will still be a meteor while it is passing through you (if it should) which then urns into a meteorite as soon as it strikes earth. Would be going a lot slower, of course, and hot as Hades (perhaps). Would make an interesting death. I would want to stay alive long enough to know: ‘hey, kewl – it happened’ – but hopefully not one of those long agonizing five weeks later covered in tubes kinda death. Just long enuff to go “Oh hay – say, kewl” – pick up the rock (scorch my hand) and go ‘wow’ while examining it just before I fall over dead.

        Yeah . . . that *would* be kinda kewl. (wry smile, kinda laffing). After all: if ya gotta go you gotta go – and that would be one for the Big Books!

        We’ve been thinking about posting our ‘plans’ “last wishes” thing here: our old one and new one revised. Some logistics issues but the money is there. It’s a funny kinda thing. My few remaining friends know (we don’t get out much; its the back thing.) And party by the graveside for those who are left. (Tho’ if all goes according to plan, I won’t be there).

        BTW: the after death stuff? Okay, you believe what you will, but last year I talked about some kind of stuff. And I still believe it. It made sense to ‘me’ and us; logically & scientifically and spiritually, just sorta jived with our inner beings. Not to say we are right. I think what you believe is what you will get – perhaps. But then again, from what “I” saw . . . we’ve got a ‘mission’ and ‘stuff’. “We” are a we being. Some go off to other chores. Some get recycled. Some of ‘us’ were recycled. Our daughter is a ‘recycled’ being (according to the story she told; her 1st one.)

        But – as a friend many times told us:
        It doesn’t matter what you beleive as long as you believe something.
        good enuff for us.

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      • Michael says:

        So then a asteroid will become a Asteror when it hits the atmosphere than a Asterorite when it is on the planet.

        I have sometimes seen ripples on bodies of water than to not look the same as a fish coming to the surface.

        I had something hit my windshield and looked for it and could not find it. There were no cars around or trees overhead. Then I figured out I might get arrested if I was looking for it. I was once arrested for seeing a sky grazer.

        as a friend many times told us:
        It doesn’t matter what you beleive as long as you believe something

        The secret to life is hanging around other people with the same delusions as you and not running afoul of delusional people when there are many of them.

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