A commenter asked me something that really made me sit back and think. And then “I” got a shock.
There is no “I” in our system. There is no ‘one’ at all (excuse the pun and double meaning. A lot of ‘me’ loves them. And we come up with them all the time. Makes sense given our ‘state’ of mind – being multiple and what-all.)
Somehow we lost the ‘I’ of long time ago, if there ever was “one”. I’m assuming it was so – somewhere down there in the very beginning. And then “I” sort of split . . . again, meaning that in two meanings. As in gone and all split up and ‘things’.
I think I should provide a DID lexicon for ‘me’. One we all can use sometimes.
“Things” means values, morals, cultural/religious belief systems, emotional contexts, attitudes, outlooks, and . . . things. Intangibles ones like that.
“Conglamoration” is based on the word conglomeration, meaning a combination of things all stuck and fused together somewhat. “We” are quite a bit like that. And “Glamor” in the old sense of the word meant a type of magic; a spell ‘we’ are under. So you put the two together and whatta ya got?
A magic ‘conglamoration’ of all of ‘us’ together. Especially when there are three of ‘us’ in here . . . three of us ‘running the system’ and ‘running it good’ – we kinda ‘blend’ all together at the edges, giving the appearance of one person to the world.
Right now I’m kinda the teenager and my grown self – and someone else. A grown alter of some kind. Some kind of ‘science self’ self-analyzing ‘us’ as well as a ‘creative’ side – kinda fading and trading places in my mind so suddenly . . . it’s like ghosts, or having them. . .
The third place is usually set up as a seat of ‘rotation’ with two of my primary alters (or hosts) conducting ‘the show’. The rest of ‘them’ all sit aside, simply ‘waiting’ and/or talking to themselves (selves inside) or someone ‘else’ while they wait their ‘turn’ or to be ‘called’ – rotating these selves in and out of my mind like a constant battalion . . .
It’s kinda cool in a way when you come to think about it.
But there is no “I” in my mind.
That part booked; took off, packed up and went to California – I don’t know where “he’s” gone.
Just that that part has been gone a long long time.
Took a vacation down in Georgia and never left my mind . . . I assume this ‘person’ is still trapped within myself – locked down inside of my mind, or simply hiding . . .
Who knows? (echoing downstairs . . . in the annuals of my mind . . . who knows? who knows? softer . . . calling out like echoes disappearing into the darkness of a long long hallway . . .)
Anyway he’s gone. An extended vacation from mind.
So that leaves ‘us’ – assuming ‘we’ are not just ‘bits’ of him come alive. And when “I” say “I” I mean the ‘person’ writing, or sometimes a small group of minds. (Mind you, some of my ‘minds’ or ‘alters’ have minds and alters of their own – making me a multiple in multiple kinda guy.)
But Noel saying that – asking that question of his . . .
it was like re-realizing it all over again. Kinda shook the roots there, kid – but in a good way, I’m supposing (with a wry smile). Made ‘me’ realize who “I” am again in ‘my’ life.
Kinda sad in some ways, but not usually. It just makes ‘me’ kinda different than ‘you’. A different way of thinking; a different way of being.
Imagine that thing if you can . . . can you? Imagine there is no “I am?” Just a “we are ‘someone’ – as far as the world is concerned – but not an “I” within ourselves.
I wonder if you can. If you are a singleton (no insult intended) or a monomind (my preferred term for it.) A person with one being and identity.
Can you imagine . . . and then think: how it could be rather good, working as a system and such. A tinkertoy system where you mix and match and such. Making a ‘new’ person each time – or the same old ‘one’ if you want to . . . knowing – being comfortable – not being ‘one’ at all.
I wonder if you can imagine it. “I” know I can.
After all . . . “I’m” living it. And it can be pretty good.
Wonderful in fact.
Wishing you luck, you fellow DID’ers out there . . . and sympathy to my friends . . . who are single minded. Just different, like me like you.
(*Note that this applies to me and not someone else. DID system are extremely compicated and varied throughout. What applies to ‘me’ may not apply to someone else. I’m just an example of a system – and a work in progress.)