We don’t like babies. Never have. Find them confusing; not human beings at all. More like little animals you have to take care of, and raise into human beings.
For one they, they smell and look funny with their big heads wobbling all the while; those pale eyes, vacant sometimes, sometimes studying the world – only later on.
We haven’t been able to form any attention or affection towards babies, none at all. I remember as little Mikie, us kids – there had been a baby girl born in the hood, and all us boys stood around, washing this infant in a bath in the front yard while the mother looked on. She was ‘mother’ to a good deal of us kids in the hood, always greeting us with kisses, big Southern hugs and white smiles. And she baked the best biscuits I’ve ever had.
But I’ve never been able to form an attachment to kids – not the very young ones, not when they’re born; not even laying in my arms. Never mind it’s asleep and smiling, cuddly and cute – I feel about the same towards them as I do the family pet. Of course “I” realize I’m dealing with a human being – it’s just not a human being to me until it begins to talk. Then, and only then can I begin to relate some: form that permanent bond that ‘we’ call love. That deep seated feeling that comes from deep within the heart with no end. The one ‘we’ all call unconditional love. We’re quite human about that, but in a way ‘we’ ain’t – according to our daughter and the ones around us. We love too much; too unconditionally – we can love where they only feel hate towards someone – for some betrayal, slight, or lack of friendship – you never know. I (unfortunately or fortunately) can love someone I don’t trust. Says a lot about myself in some ways; what that means? I don’t know. It’s just different, neither good nor bad . . . but mostly good, methinks.
But we’ve never loved babies, or never loved them a lot. They were just ‘things’ to me until they grew up, started toddling around, and we could teach them.
However, all that’s begun to change.
We have intentionally been running some experiments on ‘ourselves’, finding out . . . things. What is what and who does what and what is for what kind of things. We hadn’t really thought much about our lack of ‘maternal love’, it’s become even less of a problem as the kids have grown, and we didn’t sorrow or cry when my wife had her miscarriage (that was her 2nd one and it would have been our son. We had a daughter instead). And when our daughter got very sick as a 6 week old infant we grieved for her – our ‘new mother’ and our wife and her suffering for this kid. However, if it passed on . . . (shrugging) . . . no big deal. We could make another one, replacing that kid . . .
because it wasn’t a kid until it had grown some.
That does not mean we would not suffer for our wife’s grief. I have known a lot of someones who died. Over seventy of them. “The older I get the more dead people I know,” I always tell folks, especially when commiserating with them over someone they lost. It’s a fact of life. You’re gonna know them. And their numbers keep increasing until you die. When can add just one more. Your own.
But . . . this is where Aoela comes in.
Aoela was created last year by ‘our system’ for our system’s “behalf”. In our DID lingo ‘behalf’ means for the benefit of the system, the whole. We often don’t know what we are doing when we do that. It’s like the orders come from some unseen direction, some unseen force or ‘being’ inside of us – a Major Player and one from which ‘we’ are being kept from being aware of. It’s always been quite a mystery to me, and we suspect this ‘thing’, this force in my life had some time and hand in creating Jeffery Thompson, our mediating alter – the one who has healed us so much and started this blog – still helps us. And he’s rather kind.
Aoela, as best we know of, was made of the best parts of our “Mom” ghost; an evil being. (You’d have to read our “About We” post to know more about ‘us’ and that thing.) “She”, Aoela, was at first a “terrible person” – hatefilled, driving ‘us’ away, making ‘horrible faces at us’ (think “Beetlejuice” and his “exploded faces” – only directly facing you and stuff.). Think a Hollywood movie called “Demons!” with every special effect – the slime and ooze kinda stuff, sticking out eyeballs . . . (lol’ing – enough).
But anyway, she tried to ‘drive us away’ when ‘she’ was half-way created in us. And in doing so we found some parts of some ‘others’ – where they come from we don’t know: Sarah and Samuel. And for some ‘reason’ my system decided to assign the job of “momming” them to Aoela – this half insane woman, insane herself – trying to drive us away; hateful and afraid of everything, not wanting these children – but not wanting exile to the ‘outlands’ of our mind – and with a ‘past’ herself (the 3rd joining within us; makes sense since ‘we’ are 3 most of the time, with 3 each in each segment, joined, going on ad infinitum). If you believe in stories of reincarnation, she and Samuel and Sarah each have an interesting story to tell. (wry smile; most people don’t believe in them.)
But the thing is . . . it has happened. I don’t know how and I don’t know why – we let our littles out last Friday (yesterday; we’re slip-timing again) – to go to the movies and the adult – he never came out (except to say hello once and awhile) and he and Jeffery have been going at it in a conference meeting somewhere . . . showing up from time and again to check in on ‘our life’ (making sure the details are getting done) – but parts of ‘me’ are sure ‘something is up’.
And we have found our maternal love. We brought – they (M3 & Jeffery) brought Aoela up yesterday late – she’s been taking care of “Sammy” (Little Michael’s nickname for Samuel) and Sarah – while our Teen (Matthew) took care of “the kids” (acting as babysitter) – most of the day, along with the Marine. And somehow she’s healed enough (I guess in taking care of those 2 little kids that seem to have been created with her – they were our system’s “teaching tools” or “tutoring” tools for her to work with – thing is, this has all been happening under the hood, in secret from all of us) . . .
and we found our maternal love.
Just to check it (Because you have to verify every experiment to see if it had success – even if you don’t know what you are quite doing or very sure of it) – we went out to the flea market with our wife, knowing there would be little “kids” (Babies, quite specificially, newborns and the like) – and “pulling” Aoela up and putting ‘her’ forward a bit . . .
we could feel that ‘maternal love’ or instinct towards the child. We felt like picking them up. A ‘tug’ in the heart, not just an ‘oh well, that’s cute’ kind of stuff.
It’s a first for us. We didn’t ‘see’ it – that we were lacking maternal love (a blind man can’t see color, much less know a specific one – unless he’s seen it before). A blind spot (like jealousy; we are lacking in that one, too). And here ya go! We found it and now we know what to do when we see one – a baby or something – and feel that crappy ambiance – pull up “Aoela”.
It really makes a difference.
(and so that’s where our maternal love went, we muse and we are thinking, wondering if we ‘built’ it somehow out of a composite being – and where that ‘being’ – or a large part of ‘her’ came from . . . as well as those two mysterious children. Their tales . . . they were ancient and strange if you believe them; they didn’t come from ‘us’.
and we learned something about ‘us’ – how to manipulate the system; using it quite deliberately to accomplish a goal: consciously ‘switching’ beings in order to achieve an emotional state that is more normal and quite human – loving babies.
To ‘me’ it’s an amazing, albeit very hard worn step (it’s taken about a year . . . from inception of the being “Aoela” for her to appear able to extend this emotion in us – and to us (our littles) some).
And – we ask out of curiosity from our DID friends: Intentional ‘switching’ to achieve a positive effect and/or a positive emotion within you: have you ever experimented with intentional switching? To achieve a specified goal? Have you ever found yourself doing it unconsciously or deliberately, relinquishing control to another ‘someone’ who can a ‘job’ better than ‘you’, the host or whatnot? Just curious . . . and curious about the overall effects of ‘using’ a system vs. the system using ‘you’.