Everyone is DID

Everyone is DID, at least a bit.  You have to be.  Those ‘masks‘ you wear to work, that home-time persona – the lover in the darkness, the player with the kids: all ‘aspects’ (in a way) of a DID system.

Everyone has ‘parts’ or ‘sides’ to themselves (ignoring the Ten Percent Rule, which says some don’t – and those I wouldn’t trust with a ten foot stick – something’s ‘wrong’ with them).  Everyone has ‘voices’ in their head as they argue with themselves, agree with themselves, or hold internal conversations.  You use words for that. You have to.  (Hear these words echoing around in your head?  I do.)

Talking with my grandsons awhile back I began to get a feel for when this sort of thing might start happening.

It seems to start when you are presented moral choices as a young child.  When what you’ve learned is the socially right thing to do conflicts what you feel and want, or have been taught perhaps by cultural differences.  The choice can also run in the other direction: your peers encourage you to commit a crime, and you don’t want to – but do, don’t, or might, depending on what side ‘won’.  This seems to generate situation specific personas for dealing with certain situations.  Those masks emerge as a way of expressing one’s self in a socially safe method, one which won’t get you attacked.  Meanwhile, however, there is a ‘part’ or you or a ‘side’ of you which disagrees, fights, or attacks you on a mental or emotional level.  You feel guilty or you feel bad.  Or you feel happy, glad.  Depends on the choice you made.

My grandsons and I were talking about a knife one stole.  He (9) had admitted his crime – no pressure, no anger by me, though his older brother (12) was mocking him, saying “admit it!  You did it!” – until he did.  I am sure the 9 year old was having his own internal arguments as well, albeit in those wordless ways children do before they have the words for their thoughts.  It’s more just emotions.  No doubt he was wondering if grandpa would love him anymore; afraid to stir my anger.  They used to call me “Mean Grandpa” for a reason.  I insisted they do as I say.  And grandpa would run him down in the yard.  Unlike with mom, there was no running away from his punishment.  Which he tried just one time.  The look on his face as I bore down on him (‘grandpa doesn’t ever run’, I know they were thinking) – was priceless.  Eyes all big and round, and that silent “O” of surprise.

But we started discussing why he did it, knowing that it was wrong, and that of course fell into contemplation of temptation, doing vs knowing what’s right and wrong – and why you sometimes make the wrong choices.  That’s when the older one quipped a story (real long – I’ll shorten it:)

“There’s an devil that sits here,” he said, nodding towards one shoulder, “And he’s saying, ‘Go ahead! Take it!  You know you want it!”  Then he nodded towards his other shoulder.  “And there’s an angel that sits right here, saying ‘No don’t! You know it’s wrong!”

He laughed, looking at me a bit confused.  Too many cartoons, I thought, picturing those old Walt Disney cartoons that indeed, featured such a picture for their characters making decisions.  So this is where DID comes about, another part theorized, analyzing this stuff in the background.  Another was still pissed about my knife (it cost me $12, and was hard to find).  And yet another – the adult in me (M3) was looking on, while “Jeffery” was patient and kind.  ‘Jeffery’, I suppose, was running the show; I was just rambling around – leaping into the ‘Grandpa’s’ seat whenever I had to come.

“And you are stuck in the middle,” I finally noted.  He nodded his head.

“I hate that,” he said with a pout, looking at his little brother, who was looking at him with a faintly astounded and confused expression.  I don’t think he got it.  I think he saw the knife – debated with himself about whether he could steal it or not and get caught.  I don’t think “I” or any moral debate really entered his equation, not much.  (He really is quite a sneak thief; we’re working on catching him up.)  But he got busted at school with it, and got punished not once, but thrice.  I wasn’t going to punish him anymore.  I just wanted to teach him a lesson – one down in his soul.  But how?  We know, and are still working on that.  It’s going to be a rough one.  No pain – but a lot of public shame and guilt.  Worked on me as a child.  Should work on him one day.  We’ll see.

After talking it was quite apparent he ‘hears’ these voices in his head: he argues within himself.  ‘Pieces’, I was thinking, looking at him (bemused).  ‘Sides’.  Angels and demons.

Sound familiar?

Everyone’s DID.  And it begins early.  I’m telling ya!  (lol!)

Think about it.  Don’t YOU have sides and parts you argue with?  When did theyy start to form?  Temptations which pulled you about.  Doesn’t it drive you crazy sometimes?  That can be what DID is: parts arguing and pulling too much, in too many directions . . .

What if you could assign them names – their opinions, dislikes, likes, shames – and then shut them out of your mind?

Wouldn’t that give you greater control?

What if . . . now just imagine – you have a ‘part’ you named ‘Jeff’ and he’s cool as a cucumber; a humanist; another who is that ‘inner child’ in you – but oh! – the pain of childhood – sometimes you just wanna shut it out.  All that interior ‘evil’ – assigning ‘that’ – and all the bad and evil emotions it emotes – out?  Shutting it down, putting ‘it’ to sleep – giving ‘it’ a name so ‘you’ know what you are talking about?  Even to yourself?

Imagine you’ve had to build a number of personas – not just one or two, not ‘daddy’ and ‘husband’ and ‘lover’ and ‘father’; not just ‘child’ and ‘teen’ – but numbers of ones within each one?  One who was ‘teen’ the civilian adult, one the “teen scholar”, one that becomes a Marine, a killing machine; one for this surface environment, one for that – one for in the house, one for out.  One meant to survive in the woods; one for preachers and rednecks.  One for the Jehovah witnesses who used to come around.  And you ‘name’ them by their ages . . . or their wildly converse / diverse attitudes – so ‘you’ can seal them out . . .

and be ‘you’.

The only thing is: you’re not.  Not ‘without’ those pieces up and about.  Not like (I assume) normal people, where ALL of those things are ‘out and about’ all the time, and you keep a constant connection with those ‘parts’ of yourself.  ‘You’ don’t put them on a shelf and let them live – live on for ages, like dolls waiting to come out and pose on stage – an ancient stage, no doubt, but you learned a long time ago: keep anything useful.  Useful once, useful a long time.  Sharp tools should be put away safely.

So when you hear the term “DID” – think about it.  Look in yourself.  You will see – or sense more than likely – sort of what “DID” is about.  A shattering of ‘selves’?  Or a building with a congregation?  Souls inhabiting one plane?  Or a mind making it all up?  Either way: it’s a method of coping with those ‘sides’ and ‘parts’ when they get too divergent, too conflicting – cutting that out of ‘yourself’ and building another ‘self’ out of it.  You can’t “throw it away” for it is a part of you.  (Try to ‘throw’ your inner self out.  Go on, I dare you.  I doubt you can.  If you’re a monomind, anyway.)  Some people can do it – firemen, EMT’s, nurses, emergency workers – shutting off their emotions.  And if you can do that . . .

then you’re DID, no doubt.

(Now . . . go and argue with yourself about what this was all about.  LOL’ing my way outta this yard . . .)

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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14 Responses to Everyone is DID

  1. Marty says:

    So Jeff being a multiple does that mean you have multiple egos plural?

    That would be a great post, how many egos do you have?

    Marty

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    • jeffssong says:

      I suppose it would be multiple egos. Oddly, a question I/we have been asking ourself. I mean there’s no “I”, not really. Usually 3 on top. But each ‘person’ is rather complete, with emotional statuses, opinions, outlooks. Can be quite difficult making a decision, which is why “Majority Rules”. A ‘person’ can get ‘hurt’ or insulted, while not insulting or hurting ‘others’; eg. a kid, but not the adult (who then explains and/or comforts said personality). We have we estimate 30 ‘persons’ or ‘souls.

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      • Marty says:

        Do the therapists or professionals agree that there are multiple egos?

        Interesting dynamics but still train one ego to stay present then must be easy for the rest. habit is habit

        Marty

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      • jeffssong says:

        I think they agree they don’t know for sure; haven’t really posed the question like that. And can’t afford / find a good T here.

        We tried the ‘one ego’ thing for a long time. It didn’t work. Failed time after time again. Ended in depression, bad times. BUT . . . when we said ‘open up, embrace it (the DID) – go with it’ – we’ve been “just fine” to “getting better” a LOT by leaps and bounds. Made more progress in the last yr. since making that decision than the 15-20 years before fighting it. Acceptance and saying ‘the hell with it – I’ll go with ‘myself’ being a multiple mind and ‘being okay with it’ – well, that has worked much more wonderfully than anything the therapists and shrinks were trying. Really. Much happier right now. Much better than before, trying to be just ‘one’. That hurt. And hurt us bad.

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  2. That arguing in your head over what is morally right … That’s not DID…
    http://velcronotstrings.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=774&action=edit

    … this is and the Title of it is literal… there are two posts in a row that are password protected and I told you what they were.

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    • jeffssong says:

      🙂 We know it’s not truly “DID” – but it’s the best example we could come up with to explain to a singleton; one they could grasp and understand. My wife & daughter helped me with this one: how to present the ‘sensation’ by describing ‘parts’ and ‘sides’ and the moral dilemmas between their ‘bad’ and ‘good’ sides or parts.

      True DID is a different thing. Being multiple – another difference. When there is no ‘I’ in the system is the only way ‘I’ know to say. Perhaps from having 3 hosts (over time) – who are still in existence. Don’t know.

      Couldn’t access link. That’s the admin addy.

      Like

    • Ahhhh Thank you for checking it out! Didn’t even notice that wasn’t a good link. try this one instead… http://velcronotstrings.wordpress.com/ and scroll down to the second entry.

      Somehow when I read it I missed that it wasn’t meant to truly represent DID. What I know of DID isn’t anything close!

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      • jeffssong says:

        I figured the title “Everyone is DID” would (hopefully) sub-consciously tickle the singleton’s mind that “Hey! They really aren’t that different!” to help remove some of the social stigma & ‘stuff’ (views & values regarding persons with DID systems). Because quite truthfully, DID people come with a lot of assets when ‘the system’ is under control – which it can be. We ‘sometimes’ got it under ‘one’ (in control, no alters allowed ‘out’); however, eventually every such system degraded until we felt down and out. Typically ‘we’d’ let it go for awhile – a few years – and build a new alter or host to be “the one”. Never! worked out long term. So . . . after many years said “Huh.” You know a symptom of madness is trying the same thing over and over again when it didn’t work the first time. So . . .

        It’s really strange. Somehow ‘we’ agreed to ‘do this’ (embracing the ‘madness’) without realizing we were doing this. Jeff was ‘born’ to to our surprise (came “out of nowhere”, in our opinion), apparently to help us out in terms of resolving our differences, learning to love one another and get along. Still some ‘problems’ with the system – but gee! ‘We’ feel a thousand times better than when we took the psychologists advice and tried to ‘hold it in’, not listen to ‘the voices’ (ourselves) and “shut it out” (depressive feelings – now sporadically confined to a few alters, and even then getting more rare.) We haven’t had a HUGE rage issue in some time (not ‘normal’ for us, either, LOL’ing). We laugh & play & have fun more. Sooo . . .

        just testing the water, sticking the toe in – and gee . . . it seems to be working. So I’ll stick with it for now. :/

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  3. Michael says:

    I disagree. For me the test is are you lying or did you forget. I can say “I did not do that drawing.” I am not lying nor did I forget. I did not do that drawing I no more did it than anyone else did.

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      Like ‘I’ did not write that book (The Boy), my alters did. Mostly this post was to help people with non-DID understand more about what DID is like. Sort of. Gotta keep it simple.
      DID comes in degrees, of course. I cannot judge yours nor your mine. Some DID people have “I” (a single host). Some are amnesiacs. We are not like that. Does that make me not DID? Does that make ‘them’ not DID – using the NIMH definition?

      DID is a broad term. Too broad. the NIMH did us a disservice when they lumped all those diagnoses under a single heading. It’s like saying the flu, pneumonia, the plague, croup, nasal congestion, and sinus problems are “a cold”. Just doesn’t quite ‘cover’ it while it does. A broad spectrum diagnosis for very specific disorders which helped who? I suppose… nobody that I can tell, except the shrinky-doo’s don’t have to remember all the terms ‘we’ DID’ers fall into. :/

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      • Michael says:

        I have found the good therapist see the DX as useful for dealing with the insurance companies and not much else.

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      • jeffssong says:

        It’s all about money. Always money. Screw the people, get their dough, do the least for the buck, and stretch the job out as long as they can milk the last cent for ineffectual sub-standard work. As always. They need their nuts cut off and stapled to their face. Might help add to their looks.

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  4. L Maillet says:

    I do have parts of me that I have created to handle situations. Social, chatty me that attends functions (which I don’t like), interested, concerned me ( that listens to people’s problems), impatient me (that doesn’t want to understand, just thinks- what an idiot), little me that wants to be taken care of and have things decided for me, strong me that wants to run and control everything…. But I know they are all parts of me and am aware when I act each way…

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      😀 Exactly. DID is just like ‘that’ (what you described) just bent a little further. The difference (and most obvious symptom – to ‘me’, anyway) is the memory thing. Able to block off & turn on chunks of memory ‘on command’ (almost). What you are talking about is what we call “the Chameleon Effects” where ‘we’ will assemble or put together a personality aka “persona” that meets the situation – and (lol) – hope it ‘sticks’ long enough to do the job! But at the same time we can shut off whole groups of emotion (Which helps in an emergency, especially with a loved one) to be tough, durable, whatnot. Or just a little kid. The inability for what you might regard as our ‘host’ or ‘core’ to fully control *what* we do and say, however, does give a little bit of a problem. LOL!

      Like

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