DID & Me: Alters Having Alters of Their Own

DID & Me: How Alters Can Have Alters of Their Own

Alternate personalities apparently can have alternate personalities of their own – ones ‘they’ invented along the way, and which therefore are a part of them.  A part of a part, like a sub-assembly.  For ‘me’ it seems to work in ‘groups’ of three, each major alter or former host having 3 (or more) alters of their own.

I have suspected this for some months – over a year! – ‘looking over’ the system and trying to find all my missing memories and ‘parts’.  Some need ‘therapy’, such as we are doing with our boy “13” (a very hurt and young child) – who was supposed to be a temporary being but ended up doing the job so long he kinda found himself with his hands full.  Poor kid.
These ‘groups’ (and I’m going to continue to use “13” as an example) represent the ‘host’ of the time, and that host’s attempts to create alternate personalities to meet the changing life and cultures ‘he’ was in at the time.  Each ‘group’ is formed around a specific location; the individuals are often ‘part’ made to deal with the differences ‘he’ (the host) had to deal with at the time; eg. “the school culture, aka personality”, the “Army one” (the Soldier, made at age 7, comes into play); the civilian one, the home child, the child he was with his friends – that sort of thing.

And then there were the “Helpers” – these would be those sides (or parts) which are accessible by most of our side; eg. “The Scientists Side”, some of the religious side(s); the Recorder (and therefore keeper of our knowledge – and able to ‘duplicate’ himself three times in times of stress or too much information) – and various other ‘little’ helper sides (including some of the ‘Littles’, for instance our Little Mikie being able to bear so much pain – mostly physical).

These were (in part) responsible for maintaining some continuity among the system parts.  For instance our Recorder: we would be lost without him.  Quite literally sometimes – for ‘he’ (or ‘it’) contains the majority of our memories, our training, and our knowledge.  Even the Scientists consult with him.  A very popular (and old) man.

But getting back to “alters within alters” (for that is how ‘we’ see them).  Seeing them as ‘groups’ helps; albeit that is not a very good definition.  Those “parts within them” can have as much effect on the system as the former ‘hosting part’ (or system) did.  Eg. the childhood ‘part’ or system makes us very playful; the Teen . . . well, he’s something else, but has ‘parts’ (including the Marine) built ‘within’ him.  That means (musing here) the “Teen” must be aware of everything when the Marine is ‘around’ (up and active, near or close to being one of the top ‘three’ in controlling outside action and behavior).

However, there are some drawbacks to this thing.  While meaning a fairly sturdy system, capable of great flexibility, should one “part” go ‘down’ (fade, become inactive, ‘hide’ or be in hiding, or become ‘unconscious’) – then all those parts ‘he’ contains go down with him.  We can resurrect some ‘parts’ through effort, but it’s hard.

To give you an example, lets examine what happened last week (or some while ago; time-slipping a bit lately here).

“13” wanted to die.  ‘He’ just wanted it all to be over.  His loneliness, despair, broken heart, losses – they just piled up too high.  He hated the world and all that was in it (sometimes).  And wanted to die.  (Okay, ’13’, we’ve stressed that enough right now . . . sighing.)

So last week (or whatever) ‘he’ decided to “off himself”.

“Well,” we said, “You can try – but we’re not going to let you ‘off’ the body.”  Because we knew (Jeff knew): he couldn’t do this thing, however ‘we’ had to let him try.

Well, he ‘tried’.  Imagine ‘willing’ yourself to death; fading away . . .

and as ‘he’ faded, ‘went away’ – others and their memories started to go with it.  It was everyone younger than his age (giving me a ‘hint’ to some things).  It’s not that they were completely gone – just very hard to access, with huge gloms of them missing.   (Gloms, apparently means “gooey sections” – ‘his’ or ‘their’ words, not mine.)  Could mean ‘conglomerations’, which are assemblages of semi-blended (at the edges) personalities, or groups.

At any rate, as ‘he’ faded I probed my memories – it was getting like dark fog, anything “pre-13” – able to see them, but just barely.  And not all of them.  Most were gone.  (Which is why I’m glad I write so many of them down.)

It was like the first third of my life suddenly disappeared.

Well, ol’ “13” came back – resigned in despair, shaking his head.  We welcomed ‘him’ and his memories back, but it gave me clues to this thing, how it works “for me”.  How alters are embedded in other alters, mostly within the former hosts and/or hosting ‘systems’ – which we gave up, one-by-one, over the years as new environments came up and we found ourselves living in them.

For the most part (if you will excuse the pun!), there are 3 major ‘left-overs’ from major hosting systems (the Children, the ‘Teen’s, and our adults).  Each (apparently) has some minor ‘hosting’ systems within them.  And each of those have more.  (wry frown).

But it explains some things; albeit in a complicated way – but not so complicated.  Like a computer program quined each time for a new beginning; a fresh start.

I’ve got a feeling ‘we’ve’ embarked on another such ‘voyage’ – reassembling, rebuilding since last year (actually a little bit after, when “Jeff” met us).  I don’t know exactly what we are ‘doing’ – perhaps just rearranging some things (like moving furniture in a house); repainting some of it . . . that kind of stuff versus forming up a whole new system from scratch.  ‘Tweaking’ it and adjusting it to fit some facts in our lives.

Apparently it keeps my hands full.  Cuz’ I’ve been writing a long time, LOL.

’nuff said.

(for now!)

LOL.

 

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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2 Responses to DID & Me: Alters Having Alters of Their Own

  1. The Hobbler says:

    You are doing a good thing by experimenting and seeing what is possible. I’m sure there is a lot to work through for all of you.

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      It is. Hard and work, that is. I hate it a lot of times. LOL. (hard L’s). ~ Matthew.
      Our boss says we must take care of each other. Even 13 (and some others) when they are sad.
      Things never remain the same, do they. :/

      Like

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